If there was a breakout winner in the BG East Best of 2014 poll, I think it had to be Lorenzo “Jake” Lowe. LJL wasn’t on the radar in the individual categories, and yet starred in the best mat match, sexiest match, and best overall match of year. I remember when I first saw young LJL debut in Eli Black’s Wrestler Spotlight DVD. I made a comment to someone with insightful taste in homoerotic wrestling that I thought Victor Paz was the breakout newbie star of that DVD. No, I was firmly corrected, it was absolutely LJL (just LL, at that time), who was destined to hit it big. How right they were! Though I would still love to see much more of sizzling hot Victor…
Tim had better take this jungle boy seriously!
Lorenzo “Jake’s” appeal is both obvious and subtle, I think. Boyishly handsome, lean and phenomenally limber, he’s a pleasure in still frame. And that ass is sizzlingly hot! But LJL’s charms really kick into high gear in motion. He has a calm, steady confidence about him. Before he makes a move, he telegraphs a calculating maturity that contrasts beautifully with his youthful suppleness. There’s no wasted motion, no prodigal showiness. The match begins and LJL punches his time card (and typically his opponent’s clock) and gets down to business.
LJL gets down to business.
In his most recent appearance taking on Tim Messina in Gazebo Grapplers 17, LJL gets down to business quickly and with devastating effect. His jungle boy loin cloth is sexy as hell, but inspires little more than contempt from hot stuff Messina. Tim has the edge in height and weight. As he looks down at the jungle boy bouncing on the balls of his feet in front of him, he clearly thinks he’s got this in the bag. Gimmicks are for chumps, right? If you need a leopard print loin cloth to sell yourself on the mat, you must be a jobber right? Wait, did I say leopard print loin cloth?
Tim learns quickly that Lorenzo “Jake” Lowe is no gimmick.
Poor, poor Tim Messina. He never seems to see it coming in any of his matches. Here again, he’s caught completely flat footed by the swarming offense of the jungle cat. LJL puts him down to the mat in about 3 seconds and chains together somewhere around 50 or so soul crushing, completely devastating offensive moves before Tim knows what’s hit him. LJL goes to town on the pro stud, slowly positioning his shocked opponent deeper and deeper inside his clutches, sliding him tighter and tighter until Tim’s got his lips pressed firmly between LJL’s lovely cheeks in sensationally sexy headscissors. There’s very little cocky self-congratulations about LJL in control. He’s much more like a chess master, visualizing offense four moves in advance, studying, calculating, recalibrating. But based on the massive helpings of humiliation he dishes out, it’s impossible to miss how pleased he is to prove to yet another bigger opponent that epically huge things can come in small packages.
Naughty jungle boy!
Tim is no chump, however. Never a chump. I think I’ve read that he has indy pro wrestling experience, which may account for why he’s a bit flat footed to start on the mat in the gazebo. But he’s not about to allow a lightweight jungle boy squash him. Primarily fueled by brute force and bruised ego, he eventually drives LJL back on his heels and mounts a particularly hot offense of his own. Punishing LJL’s beautiful ass is Tim’s road to retribution. He knocks the air out of his opponent’s lungs and then exploits LJL’s vulnerability by draping the jungle stud over the gazebo railing and spanking his ass like the naughty, naughty boy his is! There’s a moment there where I think the indy pro with the bruised ego very well may just saddle up right then and there and ride that beautiful ass into the sunset. But then again, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tim go explicitly homoerotic in a match.
By the look on Tim’s face, you get the impression he sort of likes this!
Tim clearly has a taste for upping the ante on when it comes to the humiliating stakes in this match, however. Rocked hard and rolled over to his back, LJL is simply outmuscled as the indy pro folds him over, mounts his face, and rips him apart at the groin. LJL fans who fantasize about everything hiding between the jungle boy’s legs should sit up and take notice, because Tim gives us an all access tour of every inch. He presses LJL to the limit. The jungle boy’s hamstrings quiver, his ankles shoved far outside the gazebo railings. I don’t know how homoerotically explicit Tim’s wrestling dreams may be, but there’s no denying he is getting off on absolutely owning LJL!
Don’t celebrate too soon, Tim!
As is so often the case, Tim pushes his luck a bit too far bullying and lording it over LJL. Some carefully aimed low blows and a tidal wave of near-feral attacks put the jungle cat in charge again. Pissing off LJL is never a good idea. He makes Tim pay hard and brutally for escalating the war of humiliation, tying him into knots and wiping the mat with his wrung out carcass. Tim does not look like he gets off nearly so much on the receiving end of a total ass whooping as he did pitching. You can pretty much see the phrase, “not again,” written across his furrowed brow as LJL force feeds him the mat. Tim is just not as flexible as his jungle cat opponent, but LJL doesn’t give a shit. He drags every joint far beyond Tim’s tolerances, wrenching out tendon-snapping submissions and desperate screams for mercy. “Gimmick” my ass. There’s something primal and powerful and ripped from the pages of Edgar Rice Burroughs about the way LJL picks his opponent apart, piece by piece.
Victory, and defeat, never tasted so good.
I’m still not sure how homoerotically-inclined Tim may be on any other day, but when this jungle boy lays him out and possesses him body and soul, he certainly doesn’t protest when LJL stretches out over top of him and locks lips. Not that it would matter if he tried to protest. He’s just no match for a 135 pound lightweight “kid” in a leopard print loin cloth. But yeah, Tim Messina isn’t exactly suffering in the end of getting schooled by LJL.
The awards show that turns my crank this season is of course, the announcement of the BG East Best of 2014 polls. Well, technically there is no “show,” although I think there should be. Hot contenders show up on the red carpet. Winners announced. Rip ‘n’ strip wrestling breaks out all over the place. Me, with a gallon of baby oil, standing nearby to keep things moving along nicely. Short of that, let’s take a look at the matches that rose to the top of the rankings of BG East fans and voters.
For sexiest match, voters swung toward X-Fights 38, with Drake Marcos and Lorenzo Lowe taking it all wonderfully too personally. I don’t have any problem at all with this victory, even though I finally decided it was Trey “Oscar” Dixon and Skrapper who demanded my vote. There’s a major bitter aftertaste to X-Fights 38, with Drake and LJL slapping down hard, angry resentment from start to finish, so voters seem to have a taste for the passionately punished grudge angle on for sexy this year. I totally get that.
Best Mat Battle was awarded to yet another LJL match, this one against Cameron Matthews in Submissions 9. I could see this coming from a mile way, even though my personal favorite was Drake and Mason’s brutal humiliation session in Passion & Punishment. Cam and LJL are first rate grapplers, stunning contortionist, and damn fine hunks that are a delight to watch, particularly with a liberal coat of sweat dripping off of them. A second Best Mat Battle honor in a row for Cameron, who took the title with Eli Black last year. Total winners.
Voters picked Demolition 17 for Best Ring Match, with Guido Genatto crushing delectable Jake Jenkins, this year’s (and last year’s, and the year before that) Best Babyface. I’m not surprised my pick, Tag Team Torture 17 didn’t take it, but I am surprised the crowd when this direction. Unlike the best mat battle winner, Demolition 17 was total one-way brutality, which I always assume won’t speak to a significant segment of the voters. I think Z-Man & Kip Sorell have got to be picking their jaws up off the ground to be runners up for this one.
On the other hand, Best Squash winners Jonny Firestorm and Nicholas Rush for their Demo 17 match should just prove never, ever bet against Jonny Firestorm (or his fans). I called Jonny & Nicholas total dark horse contenders in this field, and the majority propelled them to the top of the heap. This is a third Best Squash victory in a row for Jonny who seems to own this category as commandingly as he owns his babyface victims. Which again begs the question for me why, oh why, was he not in contention for Best Heel this year?! I also find all sorts of mixed signals about Demo 17’s Guido v JJ match winning for Best Ring and Best Submissions, but Demo 17’s Jonny v Nicholas pulling out Best Squash. Fascinating, perplexing, but again, I say, another reminder to NOT best against Jonny Firestorm.
As I just mentioned, Demo 17’s Guido v JJ again won in the Best Submissions category. As I’ve also mentioned, I’m not sure about exactly what this category is measuring, but I am surprised that this was the match that won. Guido’s match in Demo 18 against newbie Kirk Donahue featured far more terrifying, humiliating, screaming submissions than this one. Cameron and LJL surely won best mat battle for the incredibly acrobatic and insanely hot and dangerous submissions both accomplished submission wrestlers slapped down on each other. And Wet & Wild 7 had submission flying between 5 different hot, wet hunks, including my personal favorite, Mason’s lips crushed against Trey’s balls poolside in a face-to-crotch headscissors. But Guido & JJ? Fantastic match, but I’m just out of step with the majority/plurality on this one.
Best Liplock was awarded to Gabriel Ross & Christian Taylor in Wrestleshack 18. I called this as an incredibly tight field, which I honestly found completely impossible to handicap. There wasn’t a loser among them, though I was blown over hardest by Drake & Ty in Babyface Brawl X and Trey and Skip in Gear Wars 4. However, I’ve never failed to dehydrate whenever I’ve watched Gabriel or Christian in action, and there’s something appropriate about BG East’s resident kisser-king, Christian, taking home this title. Perhaps the key here is that this was Gabriel’s third taste of this title in a row, having won 2 years ago with his lips attached to Drake Marcos, and last year again with Kid Karisma. Fans clearly love watching Gabriel suck face, and I’d give a kidney to lock lips with Christian.
Looks like Guido & JJ nearly grabbed Best Match Overall, but they were runners up to Cameron & LJL’s Best Mat Battle of the year, Submissions 9. There wasn’t a Best Match Overall category in 2012, but last year this award went to the Aryx Quinn and Alexi Adamov’s Ring Revenge. I’m sort of excited to see this award getting doled out to both mat and ring matches over the years. And I predicted Cam and LJL would take this title, despite my tastes lying with Drake v Mason and Trey v Skrapper.
The Demolition series, and particularly Demo 17, certainly was the big winner this year, with 3 victories. Lorenzo “Jake” Lowe also has to be seen as a major league player for starring roles in Best Mat Battle, Sexiest Match, and Best Match Overall, despite being inexplicably absent from the individual wrestler awards. The other major story here seems to me to be the disconnect between best individual wrestler award winners (particularly Best Heel, Best Jobber, Best Debut) and the match awards.
One thing for sure, it was a stunningly hot, incredibly entertaining year in BG East wrestling! Handicapping the field and now going back to review the winners and losers is reminding me all over again what a sensational body of work BG East produced from start to finish in 2014. Congratulations to all the winners, and if any of the losers need some full contact blogger consolation, just let me know. I’ll be happy to soothe, stroke, or knead out any sore spots you’re nursing. And if you haven’t fully appreciated all of these fine homoerotic wrestling matches, consider taking BG East up on the offer to send them your way for 25% off if you order before the end of the month!
The BG East Besties have been announced! I’m about 20 times more excited for this than I am the Oscars. Though if a rip ‘n’ strip tuxedo wrestling match breaks out between Bradley Cooper and Ethan Hawke, I may change my mind. I made my ballot abundantly clear a couple of weeks ago, so let’s look at who the majority of voters picked for the Best at BG East in 2015.
Best Babyface for a 3rd year in a row goes to Jake Jenkins. Little surprise, and there’s nothing to argue with, because JJ is such a sexy, stunning babyface beauty. My vote went into Denny Cartier’s column, but all hail the undefeated best babyface winner, JJ!
In the absence of two time winner Jonny Firestorm, this year’s Best Heel award goes to Kid Karisma. Is it bittersweet for KK that he didn’t get to actually defeat Jonny for the title this year? I’ll never quibble with KK getting lauded, though I am curious that the majority that voted for him didn’t award any of his matches honors this year. My pick, Guido Genatto, scored two matches in the top awards. Of course, no one says any of us are required to maintain any internal consistency in our favorites.
Ripping the title of Best Abs away from 2-time winner Eli Black was Z-Man this year. What a phenomenal field all around, though my adoration will always be for Lon Dumont’s midsection. I will, however, stare for days on end at every inch of Z-Man and marvel at his perpetually phenomenal fitness.
What has to be considered an upset is oh-so-pretty Pete Sharp crowding out 2-time winner Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!) for Best Bulge this year. Pete was my pick, but still, I have to think of this as an upset for the man who’s made his massive bulge such a feature of every match. Perhaps the very fact that Pete is so understated about the massive mountain in his pouch is what sells him hardest as Best Bulge of 2015.
Best Butt of 2015 sees the title change hands from 2-time winner Kid Karisma to always butt-beautiful Cameron Matthews. What an incredibly accomplished, top shelf field to choose from, and I have to think Cameron and Kid are always going to be battling back and forth for fan favorite butt. I think this really requires a butt-naked wrestling match between the two of them to help us make the call for 2015.
Best Body this year broke for Austin Cooper. Z-Man has got to be seething to lose his title from last year! Personally, I think this all merely proves that Kid Karisma (my pick) is the most underrated physique in homoerotic wrestling. However I have no trouble at all seeing what the majority of voters saw when the tapped goldenboy Austin for the honors.
Jobber of the Year goes to last year’s Debut of the Year, Kip Sorell. Rio Garza wasn’t even under consideration to defend the title after owning it the past 2 years. It was a seriously tight competition, and Kip was on the receiving end of some of the hottest beatdowns of 2014, without a doubt (even though NONE of them make an appearance in the best match awards!). I still say Drake Marcos is my top jobber pick, mostly because it irritates him so much to be called jobber, which I think is a supremely awesome quality in a jobber.
Debut of the Year saw the rest of you agreeing with me that Ty Alexander burned up the scene his rookie year. Clearly, one can’t “defend” his best debut title, but just for context, Ty joins the likes of Eli Black (Class of 2012) and Kip Sorell (Class of 2013). I expect to see some amazing things from the sophomore year of adorable Ty.
Don’t forget that all of the nominated matches this year are on sale for 25% off through the end of the month. I’ll take a look at the best match winners next…
I’m slowly catching up on several things, including my reading of homoerotic wrestling blogs. I noticed a recent post by Jonny Firestorm that primarily spoke to his awesome Fan Fantasy 2 match again his “childhood idol” Christopher Bruce. As I mentioned, I love the storytelling in that match. Sexy as hell, and a perfect marriage between Christopher’s phenomenal ass and Jonny’s mountainous bulge. And speaking of asses (and bulges, for that matter), Jonny also took time to celebrate the victory of the New England Patriots in the Superbowl.
For the record, I watch football rarely, but I did see the Superbowl. There’s just so little skin in football. And it isn’t wrestling. But I watched as the team that all my friends pulled for when I was a child, the Seahawks, faced off against the Patriots. And I will admit there was a sweet pro wrestling vibe to the narrative with a notorious, cheating, dominant heel smirking and snarling as they stare down a handsome, athletic, virtuous young babyface (at least that’s the narrative I wrote for it). The vibe got me only so far in really enjoying the game. However, the shocking standout of the Superbowl to me was exactly one mindblowingly hot performance from start to finish by just one player.
Julian Edelman’s ass. I mean, the rest of him is sexy as hell, too. But damn, damn, damn that ass!!! Buzzfeed ranked Edelman’s ass as only the 18th best in the game, but for my money, those hot muscled cheeks totally dominated.
So even in my general disinterest toward football on a daily basis, I knew of Rob Gronkowski and his massive muscles. I’d sweated out a couple over his full naked spread a few years back. A sexy meatscicle? Sure. I was prepared to enjoy watching him play, knowing the fantastically muscled physique way underneath all those pads.
Edelman’s ass is muscle art in motion.
But I barely noticed Gronk because Edelman’s ass kept grabbing my attention hard. Buzzfeed notes that his butt is somehow much sexier in motion than any still frame quite captures, and I agree (after wasting far too much of my life searching pics for this post). His glutes have a palpable heft to them. They stretch and flex gorgeously, so much muscle draped extravagantly off the bone. I spent most of the Superbowl trying to decide which player I most wanted to see wrestle him to the ground, rip off his tights and plow him while he cranks out his own ecstatic eruption. Sadly, Clay Matthews wasn’t in the game to contend for the honors. Then again, in my imagination Clay has his hands way, way full with teammate Jordy Nelson’s stellar ass.
Classic Seahawk wide receiver and frequent star of my adolescent wrestling fantasies, Steve Largent.
My instant infatuation with Patriot’s wide receiver took me back to my childhood days of being forced to watch the Seahawks play on television, and learning that football wasn’t nearly as boring as I’d thought it was once I caught sight of Steve Largent’s ass. In fact, Largent and Edelman are about the same height, play the same position, and now for both of them I’ve spent entire football games fantasizing about their asses as I mutter, “Oh, yeah, I’d fuck you.” Of course, once Largent entered politics and I found out he’s a Republican stooge, my muttering was just abridged to just, “fuck you.”
Everyone wants to know how to construct glutes like these!
So only 18th best? Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson even outranked Edelman, which I think is suspect, because although Russell has, by far, the sexiest bedroom eyes in pro sports, I’d drop his ass to the curb in an instant to get my hands on Julian. On the opposite side, Tom Brady’s ass is one of the most disappointing on a pro athlete, and he’s such a prettyboy smirker, the only place in my homoerotic wrestling fantasies for him is trampled underfoot by the top tier hotties battling overtop of him.
Buzzfeed’s top ass of the Superbowl: Seahawk Earl Thomas
And, of course, that’s where my mind goes. What does a homoerotic wrestling match look like starring this way overpaid professional athletes? Buzzfeed passes the time ranking asses. I pass the time casting a no ref battle royale with toss outs, taps outs and knock outs eliminating the contenders. Buzzfeed’s #1 hottest ass belonged to Seahawk Earl Thomas. I’m not convinced that those awesome glutes are actually superior to Edelman’s, but hell yes he easily gets a starring role in the ring for me. To start the melee, everyone cooperates on tossing Gronk’s ass out of the ring early, because he’s just so fucking dominant. The muscle monster cries like a bitch at being teamed up on. Shut the fuck up, Gronk. Wilson sleepers Brady out cold in the middle of the ring. It’s stunningly fast and easy, because Brady just has no fucking clue. No defense. No offense. He just melts in Wilson’s arms and he’s out. Just as Wilson rises to his feet, Edelman blindsides him with a kick to the face and ties his hot bod up in the ropes. The Patriot shoves his hand down the front of Wilson’s trunks and cranks on the quarterback’s balls until the doe-eyed beauty screams his submission. Edelman leaves the crushed kid to watch, totally humiliated, as the contest climaxes. It’s down to Thomas and Edleman, and Edelman drops the competition with a nasty knee to the balls. But he takes too much time strutting and monologuing everyone left in the ring. Thomas rallies, snatches the wide receiver into a brutal bearhug, hoisting the stud completely off his feet, showing off that stunning ass. Edleman repeatedly starts to cock his fist for a jab to Thomas’ face, but Thomas stops him each time by bouncing his beautiful body brutally up and down in the bearhug, shocking the heel with jolts of paralyzing anguish. When Edelman starts to sag in his arms, Thomas slams his weakening body down on top of still unconscious Brady. The Seahawk catches his breath, then drags Edelman back to his feet by a fistful of that hipster beard. He hoists the wide receiver up off his feet, cradled across his chest, and slams him down hard in an OTK backbreaker. Edelman screams, but Thomas instantly bounces back to his feet, lifting Edelman off his knee, spinning him over and slamming him down across his knee in a gut buster that drives every ounce of oxygen out of Julian’s lungs. Thomas holds him here, dragging Julian’s trunks down his legs and leaving that gorgeous ass vulnerably bare. He starts spanking him. The loud cracks are shocking, but Edelman can’t catch his breath for a half a minutes as his wonderful glutes are beat beet red over and over. Finally, sucking down enough air, Edelman chokes out a humiliated, pleading submission. Thomas lets the stud hang there over his knee as the victor flexes a double bicep toward Russell, whose trunks cannot contain just how exhilarated he is by the scene in front of him.
So, okay, football doesn’t have to suck so bad after all.
If you’d asked me last week which classic BG East wrestler a young, green, newbie Jonny Firestorm would have most admired when he first arrived at BG East, most wanted to follow in his footsteps, it would not have been Christopher Bruce. Kid Leopard, probably. Kid Vicious, maybe. BBW, possibly. But Christopher Bruce? Never. Then I watched Fan Fantasy 2.
Jonny Firestorm is exceedingly happy to meet his hero, Christopher Bruce!
Jonny is fucking bouncing on the balls of his feet, he’s so excited when Christopher Bruce walks into the ring room. He’s actually a little breathless, slightly tongue-tied, he’s so excited. His crotch is tented like Mt. Rainier, for god’s sakes, he’s so fucking excited! He whips out a classic Christopher Bruce pin-up boy shot from years ago.
Christopher Bruce in his early days at BG East, showing off what has made him the wrestling fantasy man for so many of us.
Yeah, I’ve lost some fluids over that very shot, too, Jonny. I can so easily see how a young, homoerotic wrestling fan/aspiring wrestler would be star struck to see sensational hottie Christopher in real life. But when Jonny says he’s trying to pattern his career after the notorious muscle jobber, I choked on my tea. This cannot be happening.
Jonny is stoked hard, and I mean HARD, to get a autographed beefcake shot of his idol.
Fan Fantasy 2 was clearly shot several years ago. In the evolving incarnations of Jonny’s physique, this is obviously one of his earliest matches. He’s incredibly lean, tight, just atop the minimum age requirement. I swear that mammoth bulge in his trunks quivers just a little when Christopher signs the pic especially for him, wishing him best of luck in his career. Jonny is practically gagging for the start of this match, to lock up with a fantasy man he’s studied lustfully for years. Who the fuck would have guessed!?
Christopher gets a close look at just how excited Jonny is to feel his idol’s muscles.
Dreaming of meeting your “idol,” your “hero” as Jonny calls Christopher, turns out to be significantly different than actually, in real life, squaring off against the likes of Christopher Bruce. Christopher looks like he’s right about the shape he was in when he made his epic comeback facing down, then looking way up at, Cole Cassidy in Demolition 10. He’s the perfect example of a hot, hard young hunk of man meat who, in my opinion, turns about 250% hotter with a few more years, a lot of devotion to building his body, and a calm, cool maturity. He takes Jonny’s frothing fanaticism in stride. He’s humble. Like a class act, he offers the newbie some advice about succeeding in the cutthroat world of BG East wrestling. When Jonny keeps wanting to show off his own hard trained muscles for Christopher’s appraisal, the veteran keeps reminding him that it’s the fans on the other side of the camera he needs to please, not his opponent. Fuck, I love Christopher Bruce.
Just like Jonny, I’ve dreamed of precisely this view of muscleman Christopher Bruce.
They lock up. Push, shove, and Christopher abruptly hoists Jonny off his feet and sends him flying into the next zip code. At first, Jonny chuckles, still awed at all that power that he’d only dreamed of before. That was fucking awesome, he thinks. Until Christopher does it to him again. And again. And then scoop slams him again, and again, and again, just about burying the newbie several inches deep into the mat. The look of slack jawed adoration evaporates, and a look of bitter resentment at being completely muscle bullied takes its place.
Perhaps that huge mountain of excitement in Jonny’s trunks wasn’t just for “meeting” his idol Christopher Bruce.
I love every second I’ve ever seen of Christopher Bruce in charge. He’s like a gorgeous landslide starting off slow and deliberate and building a completely crushing head of steam. When Jonny tries a defensive wedgie, trapped in Christopher’s bearhug, the veteran muscle jobber snarls with contempt and shrugs it off. How many opponents have desensitized him to the shocking discomfort of getting his balls squeezed and his crack flossed? He’s just so damn dominant in size, in cool confidence, in raw power. I’m always a sucker for a punk ass kid getting fucked up hard by a savvy, seasoned veteran. But then again, I’m a full blown Christopher Bruce fan, so I’m obviously not exactly uninspired to see Jonny drop the handsome muscleman to his knees with several choice, nasty punches to his vulnerable testicles.
Holy fuck, that hurts!
Once Jonny has turned the corner, once he’s set aside his childish ways, no longer humbled to just be sharing the same ring with his long-time idol, the shit gets real, real fast. We’ve seen Christopher brutalized. A lot. But I can’t remember ever seeing an opponent put the hunk on his back, spread his oak tree thighs wide, and not just jump onto his balls with both feet, but stay there, pulverizing poor Christopher’s delicate jewels. This is the Jonny we’ve come to know and love, not the slack jawed fan creaming over an autograph, but the vile, merciless, almost feral lightweight heel who carves up massive musclejobbers like Christopher Bruce like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Jonny puts his muscle jobber “hero” right where he wants him, lips pressed snug and intimate against his hugely swollen pride.
Discounted heel versus naive muscle jobber. It’s a formula we’ve seen before. And still there’s a lot here that takes me by surprise, makes me gasp, and reminds me all over again how supremely fantastic both of these wrestlers are at doing what they do best. The only box not yet ticked for me is to see an opponent worship Christopher Bruce’s unbelievably sexy body even half as devotedly as I do, though I do love seeing how deep down excited Jonny is to tell this story. A catchweight train wreck like this is top notch, powerfully arousing, and perfectly on point.
I have a hair trigger for shower scenes. I’ve gone weeks at a time obsessed with sleuthing out hot, steamy, glistening muscle hunks in the shower, preferably immediately following a wet, sweaty, thumping wrestling match. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had was in the shower. I sometimes wonder if it’s my obsessive-compulsive tendencies coming up when I get seriously fixated on shower scenes. I won’t even try to deny that messes turn me off, and so incorporating personal hygiene and immediately washing away the aftermath probably appeals to my inner approaching-disordered mind. But even if you aren’t OCD, you have to appreciate glistening, wet naked bodies, which is pretty much guaranteed in a shower scene.
Sub Zero peels off the spandex preparing for his post battle shower. Where, oh where do I apply to be his very personal super-valet?!
Last week’s update over at Eye of the Cyclone got me all infatuated again with shower scenes. EOC’s superhero Sub Zero narrowly escaped his own destruction in the serial “Hard as Ice.” Having returned to his secret Ice Lair, the dashingly hot mystery muscle man breaths a heavy sigh of relief and peels off his skin tight super suit to wash away the bitter bruises of his battle with the Xtractor. Last week’s comic panels of Sub Zero prepping and beginning his shower are the motherload of post-wrestling homoerotic shower scenes (though I’d prefer to see Xtractor join him).
Now that is a super sensational ass!!!
I’m in crazy lust with Sub Zero! I’d say that ass could pose a serious challenge to Kid Karisma’s Best Butt reign, if Sub Zero ever made my fantasies come true by appearing in live action homoerotic wrestling. Though I am crazy in lust with Kid K’s ass as well. Hmmm. Clearly the only way to settle this would be a rip ‘n’ strip ring match, followed by a tandem body worship shower scene, of course.
I need a hero, bad!
Like the perfect homoerotic wrestling twist on Psycho, Sub Zero doesn’t see the vile-looking “Cybermite” climbing the shower glass, positioning its vicious-looking metallic legs threateningly inches away from Sub Zero’s glistening, naked ass. Our sizzling hot hero sees the threat too late, turning around just as the mortal threat pounces, diving deep down naked hunk’s throat (well, okay, that orifice works as well, sure). What will happen with his enemy’s remote appendage rooting around inside his sensationally built muscle body? Fuck. To be continued…
I’ve got my loofah in hand… well, in one hand…
So that’s what sent me spinning down the shower scene rabbit hole again. Here are a few more of my very favorite shower scenes from the homoerotic wrestling context. Do you have a favorite, because I’m always looking to add to my go-to collection. Now you’ll have to excuse me, I need to go get cleaned up…
In Motel Madness 8, my long-time favorite homoerotic wrestler (emeritus) spanked Jeremy Burke like a naughty boy before the two retired to the motel bathroom to strip each other and slip into the shower together. Honestly, I can’t see Jeremy at all in the shower scene… all I can see is me there soaping up Mitch’s naked muscles.One of the hottest, unscripted shower scenes ever to grace the end of an outstanding homoerotic wrestling match took place in BG’s Fantasy Oil Wrestling 4.In X-Fights 33, a twinks-gone-wild barnburner, Skip Vance and Billy Lodi got completely hot and bothered first on the mat then in the bathroom, proving that some old flames never entirely die, even when soaking wet in the shower.An iconic homoerotic wrestling production, Lords of the Lockerroom may have not been the most competitive sell in wrestling, but the quality of the bodies featured was extremely elite. A pre-NK Van Darkholme was eaten up and spit out by hot stuff Mark Wolff, but looked very happy to relive the memories as he jerked off in the shower afterward.And arguably the lordliest of the Lords of the Locker Room, Billy Herrington took his fantasy physique to the showers after squashing Nick Steel like a musclejobber bug.
“Bro, I’m going to do some damage to you that you’re not going to walk away from!”
There’s some fascinating combat happening in the comments over at Naked Kombat. The past 4 new releases at NK have been promoted as part of a “Top Cock” series. Each week’s match has some sort of jock-themed drama attached to it. For example, last week ass-tastic Nick Capra and muscle princess Billy Santoro got into a tiff while working out at the gym. Personally, I think they should both be spanked mercilessly for using the leg extension machine, but I have to agree with Nick that based on the orgasmic grunting Billy was making, you’d have thought the muscle stud was squatting an elephant. But no, he was working with way low weights, which inspired Nick to taunt him with merciless contempt while showing him up. Words, pushes, shoves… Naked Kombat breaks out.
The musclebound bitch queen mounts Nick and shows what all those hot muscles can accomplish.
The kombat doesn’t precisely stick to the NK script. The pre-match dramas are the same fare you’ll see in the first 90 seconds of most porn, including wooden acting, severe cuts and editing, and contrived melodrama. NK ref Sebastian Keyes appears out of nowhere, dousing the kombatants in oil and signaling a start to the grudge match. Both hot porn boys are naked from the start (no trunks or jock straps rounds). They still work for NK points, but it’s one 10 minute round and then a quick segue to the sex round, which turns back into fairly traditional domination porn fare.
Nick Capra starts to control the action and own the nelly Wolverine.
I love the fact that fans are taking to the comments to complain bitterly about the backgrounding of the wrestling. I mean, I LOVE that wrestling fans are reminding NK precisely what it is that draws at least some of us to plop down our dough for yet another gay wrestling production. NK has always and unapologetically gone to pornboys for their talent, making NK a pretty cool experiment each week to see what stars of porn can actually wrestle and dominate, and what stars may have lots of pretty muscles, but clearly don’t know a thing about using them in mat combat. I don’t really spend a lot of time with mainstream gay porn, but my guess is that at least some of the shining standouts in NK success are not necessarily the headliners for mainstream porn. Which is all awesome as hell, I think.
Nick wraps those big, beautiful biceps around Billy and gives the hairy princess something to really grunt about!
So I seriously sympathize with the critics complaining that 10 minutes of oil wrestling is a major downgrade for what NK has excelled at for several years. I’ve been one of the voices saying that I’d like to see NK shake up the overly formulaic constraints they’ve existed within, but this isn’t a promising direction. The pre-match melodramas are distracting, drawing in an inauthenticity to what NK has done so well at selling as honest to god pornboy combat. I’ll keep tuning in a while, but I could be another one of the fans who may drop my subscription (for what, the 3rd time?) if the Top Cock genre continues to dominate what NK puts out each week.
Nick shuts the crying nelly up and claims his prize. And just look at that ass cheek in profile!
That said, I also need to say Nick Capra’s ass is a work of art. I’d loved to have seen a full-blown Naked Kombat marathon between him and Billy, because they are both some of the most compelling characters currently competing at NK. Nick is over the top hyper-masculine. He calls his fabulous cock “Tarzan” and refers to it in the third person on Twitter, for god’s sakes. There’s something perpetually, lustfully hungry about him, and true enough, although he’s no amateur wrestling master, he’s raw and aggressive and sensational to watch. And that ass… And as I mentioned the first time I was captivated by him, when unscripted, he’s fucking awesome and intense and authentic. Which makes that opening scene gym tiff such a let down.
Sizzling hot Billy is worn out by Tarzan and then ground underfoot.
I’m totally into Billy for entirely different reasons. In still frame he’s Wolverine: hot, handsome, hairy and bulging in all the right places. Then you see him in motion, on camera, and he’s finger waving, eye rolling bitch queen. And he throws down with the likes of Nick, and I’m just completely captivated, trying to decide whether I’m pulling for the musclebound bitch queen with attitude or the hyper-masculine Italian thoroughbred who has actual conversations with his own cock. It’s an incredibly tough call, because I really like seeing hardbodied, hairy bitch queens in homoerotic wrestling (more, more, more please). Billy sucks me in to pulling for the nelly poof who’s all grown up, infatuated with his own muscles, and doesn’t take shit from anyone anymore, without needing to be any less nelly than he ever was. But then again… Nick Capra’s ass….
The action is, as mentioned, all too brief before the camera cuts awkwardly to the sex round already in progress. The sex round takes up about 50% more air-time than the naked kombat. I appreciate about 90% of the kombat and 5% of the sex round. The math gets complicated, but suffice it to say that as much as am entranced by Nick’s freakishly massive muscle glutes, I’m not very satisfied with the overall Top Cock formula. I hope they foreground the competition and improvisation again. It’ll be a loss if this is a replacement for their old formula, even as formulaic as it’s been at times.
Zach Reno is back, hairier and hunkier than before.
Schwowza! Zach Reno makes what may be the most eye-catching sophomore appearance at BG East in his new release in Gazebo Grapplers 17. I haven’t checked the record, but I think it was Joe who popped his cork first and hardest upon seeing Zach debut in Tag Team Torture 17 last year. Like the match description says, the newbie bore more than a passing resemblance to Michelangelo’s David, with classic tight curls and a supple, powerful, aesthetically muscled body. At the start of his new release, he’s on his back doing stomach crunches as the scene opens. If you didn’t know it was the rookie who made some surprising appearances in the BGE Bestie nominations after just one match in 2014, you’d be forgiven for not recognizing him. He sports an insane rats nest of long, unruly hair on his head, paired beautifully with a full beard, and moderately thick body hair across his sexy torso and thick, powerful legs. If there were an award for most hair on a homoerotic wrestler, Zach would win.
The moment Kid Karisma gets his hands on Zach, that hot, hairy body is displayed to perfection.
And he’s tops not just in quantity of hair. His pre/post-modern do is decidedly sexy as hell. Even if it’s a little frustrating to have that fashion model face frequently covered up, there’s something primal, raw, and provocatively virile about the entire presentation. Kid Karisma agrees with me, I think. “What’s this, a cave man?” my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler chuckles when he strolls into the gazebo to find the hairy hunk working his abs.
Kid K tests out every joint and muscle on the fetching new wrestler.
Despite wearing a sexy, dark blue, sensationally snug pair of brief trunks, it appears that Zach is not expecting Kid K to come all up in his business, interrupting his crunches. He complains about being distracted by the strutting, alabaster vision of physical perfection circling like a bird of prey. He calls Kid K “bro,” demanding some alone time in the gazebo to sculpt his six pack.
Zach, meet Kid K’s superhuman thighs.
Kid Karisma looks famished. I mean, anyone who consistently shows up with bodyfat that freakishly low has got to be carb-deprived, but there’s something about Kid K’s intensity, his eagerness, that seems a notch higher to me than usual. I know the phenom has fantastic taste in body-beautiful opponents, so I’m strongly suspecting he’s as taken with the stunningly hirsute hunk as I am. He wants to get his hands on Zach. I want to get my hands on Zach. I’m delighted to see him get his hands all over Zach.
Homoerotic wrestling sculpture!
The delectable cave man is basically trying to defend himself from cruise missiles with nothing but a wooden club. If you’re half the Kid Karisma fan I am, you’ve seen the muscled wonder build this unstoppable momentum before, swarming, ripping, crushing his overwhelmed opponent from every angle. If you love dominating trash talk half as much as I do, you’ve appreciated precisely the way supremely cocky Kid K weaves a torrent of insults and taunts that seem to reach inside of Zach’s hot, hairy chest and crush his heart.
Kid K expertly drives the hot rookie to the edge of panic.
Kid Karisma works his intoxicating magic, no surprise. But the hunky, hairy, hardbodied beauty of a rookie sells his side of the bro-bashing beautifully. There’s something dizzying to me about Kid K’s polished marble fantasy physique, blue eyes and perfectly coiffed hair, ripping apart the primal, grunting dark and dashing cave man. My socialized gut makes me associate liberal coats of body hair, fuck-it-all tangles of head hair, and an “I-eat-hipsters” bristling beard with aggression, masculinity, invulnerability. Kid K is, on face value, the more vulnerable figure, like a vision of a delicate angel, crafted entirely for pleasure. So Kid K heeling the fuck out of Zach and making the bro scream in a panic grabs me by the balls just right.
Total control. Zach goes completely limp and entirely vulnerable in Kid K’s front-face sleeper.
Zach turns into little more than Kid K’s plaything pretty quickly. Dazed and confused, the fratboy cave man is humiliated over and over again. At one point, Kid K literally shoves his own head underneath Zach’s arm, forcing the rook to at least look like he knows an offensive maneuver. Zach rouses to try to make Kid K regret it. Yeah, Kid K has never heard the word “regret.” The most intoxicating moment by far for me is near the end, both hunks wedgied lusciously, Zach slipped snug and intimately in a front-face sleeper. He’s been beaten for days, but still, fireworks go off in my head when I watch the cave man struggle, then slowly sag. His arms flail but then droop to his sides. His back drops, his legs growing weak, as his conqueror sucks down every ounce of conscious strength and fight left in him. Then he hangs there in Kid K’s embrace, completely out, still on his feet because Kid K is holding him up, relishing the feel of the moment.
Thanks for the memories, Zach. Can’t wait to see that hot, hairy ass make many more!
I still say being nominated for Top Babyface for 2014 was just too soon for Zach. He just had far too little screen time to compete with magnificent contenders like Kip, Jake, and my pick, Denny Cartier. But January 1 is such an arbitrary temporal boundary. The momentum between Tag Team Torture 17 and Zach’s destruction in Gazebo 17 is deeply compelling. I don’t know what’s in store for him, but I hope it’s prolific and involves getting his mop of curls yanked mercilessly and his beautifully hairy ass spanked relentlessly. And I desperately hope he calls more top shelf heels like Cage Thunder, Guido Genatto and, please-oh-please-oh-please Kid Vicious “bro.” I’d pay premium prices to watch that unfold.
Mere hours are left for you to register your votes for the 2014 BG East Besties. The last 4 categories I have to reflect on are what I think of as the most dramatic and titillating. Like saving “best picture” and “best actor in a leading role,” I’ve held off on reflecting on these because these mean most to me in any ways. First up, let’s look at those who sold the most compelling characters this year, beginning with nominees for Top Heel.
After a bumpy start in BG East his first go a couple of years ago, Morgan “the Mastodon” Cruise has been a perennial heel. Vicious, merciless, with no regard for life or limb, much less rules or good taste, he’s very on point at all times. His monologues tend to be constant, regardless of his opponent, and I long for new depths of sadism fro him. But he’s got a ton of fans.Guido Genatto has a boatload of nominations for Best Ring Match, Best Squash, Best Submissions, Best Overall Match. He doesn’t just heel, he obliterates. He’s a steam roller who delights in cheating because, fuck, who’s going to try to stop him? Definition of a heel.Lane Hartley has so much swagger and he’s so damn pretty, he nearly slides out of heeldom when I picture him in my mind’s eye. He’s relentless and deeply sadistic. He takes great pleasure in the screams and tears of his victims.My reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler Kid Karisma drips with contempt, supremely confident that his muscle and might will roll right over every victim placed in his way. I don’t think of him as a dirty tricks wrestler, because he’s just so fucking dominant, why would he need to rely on cheating? Sadistic as shit, yes, but the top heel?Cage Thunder is a top shelf heel at all times, even though his appearances in 2014 were scarce. The mask, the body, that awesome cock… everything about him is perfectly tuned to inspire terror. He did what he does fabulously, but with just one match on the books this year, will he claim Top Heel of the year?
Shockingly, the reigning Top Heel the past two years running, Jonny Firestorm, was absent from this year’s slate. Was Jonny’s work somehow less dominant, less dastardly, less sadistic? With him suspiciously out of the way, however, someone is definitely taking the crown for the first time. I’m leaning toward Guido because of both quantity and quality of his matches. His trash talk alone is terrifyingly hot, but his muscle domination and indy pro heel superiority are absolutely soul crushing. I’m guessing fans will break his way or possibly Morgan’s. I think Cage Thunder is a long shot this year solely because he didn’t put up more evidence of his heel mastery in 2014, but he very well could be the sentimental favorite of long-time fans.
Top Jobber is crazy competitive this year. I would argue a jobber is not someone who just gets squashed, but someone who sells that he whole heartedly believes he has a fighting chance, even mounts some offense and keeps the suspense building, but sooner or later, inevitably goes down in crushing defeat. A jobber isn’t a pushover. He’s not a joke. He inhabits a full story arc, even if the outcome is as certain as the sunrise. You and I know a jobber is doomed from the start, but he doesn’t. Let’s take a look at the contenders for this nuanced category.
Ty Alexander has been a house on fire his debut year. I think he’s a clear frontrunner for Debut of the Year, and he quickly developed the narrative of his legitimate skill and enthusiasm doomed to be crushed under foot. At times I wondered if his masochism was too far in front, if he wanted to be beaten so bad that he collapsed the suspension of disbelief. But he assembled an army of fans who I’m sure are behind him (because the view is so damn fine from back there).I got harassed for discounting Kirk Donahue’s qualifications to be in the Best Butt contention, so I realize I may be asking for it again when I say that, although he made my crotch stir hard with an epic sell jobbing in 2014, it was just one match. The suspense lasted about 17 seconds before Guido was grinding the kid into pulp, which he sold like a champ, but still, was it enough to say he was Top Jobber for 2014?Jake Jenkins carries so much water at BG East it’s amazing. Total top tier, multi-award winner babyface, he took major beatings in the ring in 2014 establishing a fantastic claim to be considered Top Jobber. Ignore his mat work. That’s a whole different JJ, and BGE deploys their boys in different genres with entirely different aptitudes. In the ring, though, in those “beat me” American flag trunks, he was an incredible jobber.Drake started the year first jobbing hard for Mason Brooks and then getting pissy with me for admiring what a hot jobber he is. The handsome jobber fucking HATES being called a jobber, which somehow merely makes it only that much more certain that he’s such… a… JOBBER. To top it off, after searching the ranks of bloggers to find someone he can finally beat, he still ended up in a tree of woe with my heel grinding into his defenseless chest. What a jobber…Kip Sorell is one tasty muscle jobber. His claim to Top Jobber seems clearer than his contention for Top Babyface, as I mentioned earlier. However, I’m not entirely sure Kip honestly believes at any point leading up to or during any of his matches that he has a snowball’s chance in hell. That makes him blur somewhere between a doomed character in a Greek tragedy (aka, a jobber) and a helpless victim of a mugging/attempted rape (aka, a farce). Fans love him every time he suffers hard, though.
Tough call, with a ton of blurry lines depending on exactly what you think and feel about jobbers in general. Two-time winner Rio Garza was not nominated this year, leaving the field open for a first-timer to be guaranteed the crown. With the fond memory of him out cold, stripped naked, and with his trunks stuffed down his throat in the middle of the ring after coming face to face with a certain blogger, though, I have to punch Drake Marcos’ ticket (once again) for Top Jobber. I think his biggest competition for this one is Ty, with the difference being, in my mind, mainly the certainty that Ty would love to be Top Jobber, while Drake would hate it. Paradoxically, I think that gives Drake the edge here. Long shot I think is JJ, mostly just because some people will vote for him regardless what the category is. He’s so complex, though, and you have to partition out his mat work to fully justify him as Top Jobber.
Hottest Liplock may not be a category others think of as the top tier choice to make, but I fucking LOVE this category. Like “Best Submissions in One Match,” the context isn’t entirely clear. A particular liplock? Perhaps not, since the nominees are just matches. I love wrestling liplocks, though, so however you slice it, I’m so into this category.
Babyface Brawl X was sexy as hell and a fantastic concoction of bitter aggression and full on sexual arousal, which is one of my favorite formulas. Drake and Ty were fighting for victory, for dignity, and most of all, for Drake’s trunks. Some of the hottest liplocks are NFSW, but every one left me wondering whether it would be interrupted by more bitter fighting, which makes everyone of them hot, hot, hot.Wrestle Shack 18 was full of full on homoerotic wrestling lust between Gabriel Ross and Christian Taylor. This was a fantastically sexy pairing, with tons of value added for the stark contrasts between their bodies. Christian is reigning kissing champion of BG East in my book, but I don’t know if Gabriel was as convincingly committed to the liplocks.Holy shit Trey Dixon and Skip Vance were on FIRE by the end of their Gear Wars 4 match. How no penetration appeared on camera is a mystery to me, because Skip’s rod is visibly throbbing and Trey looks like a starved man sitting at an Old Country Buffet. This particular jockstrapped, cock-sitting, body-scissors-oh-fuck-it-let’s-suck-face moment brings a tear of ecstasy to my eyes every time.Raunchy Rookies 7 saw the seismic double debut of Kayden Keller and Ty Alexander, putting up one of the sexiest, most explicit, fully erotic wrestling matches I’ve ever seen a rookie (much less two) manage. Kayden looks like he could eat the face off of adorable Ty, but the corporal domination leads ultimately to merely a double explosion in the middle of the ring. Sizzlingly hot liplocks, particularly once the gear is stripped.Pain & Punishment 1 has locked down a boatload of nominations all over the place, so yet again consider the fine eroticism of Mason Brooks squelching Drake Marcos’ screams of anguish with an intoxicating liplock. Not nearly as many liplocks in this bitter, bitter feud as for other contenders, but the aggressive, dominating, domineering face suck is enacted to perfection.
So many fantastic liplock moments that speak to the very heart of what moves me most about homoerotic wrestling! If I could vote for all of the nominees, I would, because they all rocked me dizzyingly hard. Just one, though? Fuck. It’s razor close between Babyface Brawl X and Gear Wars 4. My vote finally goes to the homoerotic jobber wonder twins, Drake & Ty, whose Babyface Brawl X was incredibly innovative and pushed the envelope in all the right directions. I have no idea what the majority will vote for in this category. I won’t be surprised for whoever wins, though I’m pulling for the jobber wonder twins.
Now for Best Overall Match of 2014…
Guido Genatto once again complicates the field with two entries, first for Demolition 17 against Jake Jenkins. I don’t know if a squash is likely to win because of the constituency that just doesn’t like them, though this one was incredibly tasty.Demolition 18 found Guido again crushing another jobber like a grape, this time wunderkind Kirk “don’t-discount-my-ass” Donahue. This match definitely made me most genuinely concerned for the life and limb of a wrestler this year. Was it best overall?Mat wrestling entries for Best Overall Match include Passion & Punishment 1’s Trey Dixon v Skrapper. Intensely, intimately, shockingly erotic without an ounce of hot, hard, painful wrestling action spared. Incredible match. Totally legitimate finalist for this category.Yet another Pain & Punishment 1 entry is Drake Marcos getting schooled like a stubborn pup by sexy as hell philosopher king Mason Brooks. This match pushed all my buttons a lot. Awesome drama that extended well beyond the narrative on camera. Fantastic wrestling, awesome suffering, sweat, luscious bodies… I’m convinced, but I’m slightly surprised it pulled the nominating committee to include it.Pretty boy ring feast, Ring Hunks 2 makes a surprise entry here (as far as I’m concerned). Truly a watershed moment to watch Z-Man really come into his own and set the pace, control the tempo, and tell the story (not to mention fucking own every inch of Kip Sorell). Another squash though, making all 3 ring match entries in this category way one-sided. Not judgment on my part, just an observation.Submissions 9 puts in the last contender with Cameron Matthews and Lorenzo Jake Lowe chaining together one dizzyingly hot hold after another until everyone is coated in sweat (and most of us on this end of the screen coated in other bodily fluids). Highest quality mat wrestling, big egos, energizer bunnies, bitter aggression.
I’m fascinated that all three ring match entries are squashes. That, along with Guido’s double entry, really fucks with my confidence in predicting a frontrunner. My vote is going to Mason and Drake because of several factors, including Mason’s gorgeous naked ass, Drake’s horrified whimpers, bitter trash talk, a gallon of sweat, and the ball rolling that would lead to me snapping Drake’s photo flat on his back under my foot about 9 months later. Extremely close 2nd place for me is Trey and Skrapper. Holy fuck that’s one over-the-top hot, hard fought, insanely sexy match. My barely better than a random guess for the majority on this one is Cameron and LJL, mostly because of Cam’s fan following. I think long odds are on Guido & Kirk.
If you haven’t voted yet, this is your Bard approved final ballot to point your way to where my tastes take me:
There’s been some confusion about the BG East Best of 2014 poll. For the record, it is still open, and will remain so until midnight tomorrow night, February 8. You can find the poll through the homepage by clicking on the “All 2014 Releases” button and then clicking the poll banner at the top of the page, or simply click here to go to the poll directly.
Let’s take a look at a few more categories. What defines a babyface is fiercely debated among some wrestling fans. When I’m thinking of babyfaces (which is often), I’m picturing a wrestler who is eye-catchingly beautiful, earnest, optimistic, trusting in the rules of wrestling and human decency to make the wrestling ring an honest to god contest of strength and technical skill. A babyface is stoked to be cheered and admired. He expresses contempt for vile evil doers who take short cuts and disregard rules and good sportsmanship. As I look at the field of BG East Bestie nominees for Top Babyface of 2014, that’s the standard I’m holding up to each of this sizzling hot leading men. Let’s take a look at who’s in the running.
Kip Sorell certainly has “dazzlingly beautiful” down to perfection. He’s also earnest and eager. Kip jobs so blindingly fast, it’s hard to tell exactly what his take is on things like “rules,” because he’s typically flat on his back and reeling within seconds of the start of a match. He does wear white to perfection, though, which seems very true-to-babyface.Zach Reno (left) surprises with yet another appearance in the 2014’s poll, despite only appearing in one match (and a tag team bout, at that). He clearly made a huge impression, and he’s already making fans swoon in 2015 with his hairier, hunkier rendition of the same Michelangelo’s David form he showed in 2014. But 2015 is not 2014. Was he best babyface in 2014?Jake Jenkins has owned top babyface two years running, and he’s back to slap down the opposition yet again. It’s hard to argue that JJ fits the babyface typology to perfection, particularly when he slides that hot bod inside American flag trunks, as he did in 2014. Heroic, earnest, banking on strength, skill, speed, and flexibility to overcome dirty tricks. Hard to beat!Is it too soon for 2014 newbie Richie Douglas to make a full fledged run for Top Babyface? I’m torn, because the rockin’, ripped boy next door is achingly beautiful, straight up sincere, facing down long odds like a hot jock who’s never heard of a short cut. I think his stock is rapidly on the rise, but has he owned Top Babyface already?3-time homoerotic wrestler of the month Denny Cartier makes me weak in the knees with his dimpled chin, bulging pecs, and full frontal offense. Has he ever, ever even bent a rule or been anything less than aggressively sportsmanlike? He’s not superhuman, but he’s somehow intensely, potently, powerfully, vulnerably human, heroic, and gorgeous.
For me, this category comes down to the tried and true, solidly developed babyface characters of Jake Jenkins and Denny Cartier. I think JJ’s momentum and unblinkingly fanatic fan base makes him the top contender for the popular vote, but my personal vote is finally leaning Denny’s way. JJ has an edge to him in some matches, a cocky, smirking, I’ll-go-as-low-down-as-you-dare-me-to attitude, whereas Denny just clenches that Clark Kent jaw and dishes out due respect almost every time. And in 2014 he had the distinction of taking that upright intensity to introduce Lon Dumont to mat wrestling, including finally getting bulldozed by the notorious pro heel. The dark horse who could defy the odds this year I think may be Kip Sorrel. I’m always a little surprised not to hear more buzz about the living Ken doll, so I’m wondering if there’s a silent majority out there just waiting to make Kip upend JJ.
Now let’s turn our attention to the category of Best Squash. This is a category that instantly turns off some fans who just don’t enjoy one-sided crushings. I, however, am not that type of fan. I fucking love gasping, dangerous maulings when both the pitcher and catcher sell it with enthusiasm. I think we have some notable contenders and, perhaps, some surprising absences in this year’s slate.
In Demolition 18, Guido Genatto so overhwlemed newbie Kirk Donahue in his doomed debut that the babyface punk literally tried to crawl on his belly from the ring to escape his brutalizer. Amazing sell. Total squash. Crotch tingling one-sided brutality.Jonny Firestorm is tried and true in dishing out squashes, having won last year for grinding jobber Drake Marcos into a pulp (I so know that feeling). This time, he turned his tornado offense on Nicholas Rush in Demolition 17. Classic heel-in-charge Jonny nearly beheading and breaking into pieces long, lean Nicholas. Squash!Another Demolition 18 match featured Flash LaCash taking pro muscle mayhem to the task of trashing the fuck out of Jake Jenkins. Flash made the most of JJ’s superhuman flexibility and endurance, twisting and tying the unlucky acrobat into some gravity defying holds I’ve never seen before. JJ screams. Flash laughs. Incredibly hot squash.In Jobberpaloozer 13, Austin Cooper literally broke newbie Leo Tomasi’s nose and laughed at the blood trickling out the lean stud’s nostrils. “Dr. Cooper” (as he dubbed himself) decided the medically advisable treatment was to hang the hot rook upside down in a tree of woe and keep on fucking him up. I love Dr. Cooper the heel, and Leo brought out one of the most magnificent crushings from him.Both Guido Genatto and Jake Jenkins are nominated in other products in this same category, which I think may very well split the votes of their most loyal fans. Guido’s mauling of JJ in Demolition 17 was spine tingling to watch, and Guido treated us frequently with glimpses of JJ’s bare ass with trunk pulls. Sensational squash, but was it best?
Two matches from Demo 17, two from Demo 18, and JJ and Guido showing up in multiple contenders? Very complex field to try to handicap. Personally, I’m going with the one and only non-Demo entry, because Dr. Cooper and Leo Tomasi owned me hardest and truly surprised me when I noticed how hot I found it to see Leo bleed. Dr. Cooper is an incredible heel, perhaps made more so by the distance he’s traveled since his heel turn. Honestly, I’m not sure at all how to predict where the majority may lean in this one with all of the overlaps, so I’m going out on a limb and saying I think the majority (and the hardcore Coop fans) will swing the vote the same way I’m going, with Jobberpaloozer 13. I’m also demonstrating the size of my balls by saying I think Jonny v Nicholas is a serious underdog this year. I have to also note that all of these Best Squash contenders are ring matches from just 3 products. What happened to Passion & Punishment 1, with Mason Brooks spanking Drake Marcos like the naughty boy his is, which may have been the most satisfying squash of the year in my book?
Now for the newest category in the BG East Besties, the vote for “Best Submissions in One Match.” I struggled with the variable construct of this category. It’s not “most submissions,” though I suppose some could vote with that interpretation. It’s not the best “submission” in a match, because the nominees aren’t specific submissions, but the matches themselves. It’s also hard to miss the fact that the nominees for Best Squash line up very closely with nominees for “Best Submissions in One Match,” making me think the nominating committee also lacked a little clarity in the scope and range of this debut category.
Jonny is the master of innovative submissions, so I totally buy the entry of Demolition 17, Jonny v Nicholas Rush here. Jonny, indeed, brought his inspiring understanding and mastery of human anatomy to ripping Nicholas apart and tearing one panicked submission after another out of him. This crotch-ripping, knee-wrenching, kneeling toe hold (what the fuck do you call this!?) is stunningly sexy wrestling sculpture. Hot, hot, hot submission.Submissions fly like a flock of sparrows when Cameron Matthews and Lorenzo Jake Lowe bring their deep arsenals of submission holds to Submissions 9. Two of the most accomplished submission wrestlers on the books, Cam and LJL stretch themselves and each other beyond belief. The arch, the bulge, the sweat, the way Cam is ripping apart at least 6 joints simultaneously in this hold is, again, a work of art.Demolition 18’s match featuring Guido Genatto & Kirk Donahue makes another appearance, and there’s no denying Guido “welcomes” Kirk to BG East with a barrage of some of the most terrifying ring submissions ever. I particularly love this choking backbreaker, with Guido leaning his face up close to Kirk’s cheek to hear the newbie gasp out panicked submissions over and over.Most submissions in one match may, arguably, have to be awarded to Wet & Wild 7, but that’s because 6 wrestlers were involved in every variety and pairing. Trey Dixon and Mason Brooks are specifically called out from this product for the nomination in this category, and I totally agree that these two hot bodied hunks put each other through some of the sexiest submission holds on record. This particular shot of Mason nearly knocked out cold in face-to-crotch headscissors, with Mason going limp right about the time Trey looks like he’s mid-orgasm, is one of the hottest submissions I can remember.Guido Genatto played Jake Jenkins’ hot, flexible body like a pipe organ in Demolition 17. JJ’s determination to go up against massively muscled indy pro veterans is hot (and more evidence of why he’s a 2-time Top Babyface winner), and Guido is a maestro of ring submissions. This leg lock, with JJ’s boots trapped against his groin, as backdrop for a neck-breaking chinlock is simply fantastic.
So I’m choosing to dole out my vote for this category based on particular submissions (to be specific, the one’s I’ve highlighted above). If it were “most innovative submissions,” I’d easily vote for Jonny & Nicholas. If it were most terrifying submissions, I’d probably take Guido and Kirk. I’m picking the best submission as in the one that I found sexiest, the one that recurred in my early morning wet dreams, the one that I replayed in real life and in my fantasies most, which was, for me, Trey Dixon’s poolside face-to-crotch orgasmic headscissors. Since the category itself seems spongy to me, predicting a winner is tough, but I’m thinking Cameron Matthews and LJL’s fans will swing this their way. I think the longest shot is Guido and Kirk, both because Guido fans will be split and because Kirk is such a new commodity.
So the Bard-approved ballot as it stands now looks like this:
Sidelineland 