True Beef

True Blood. If you watch it and read this blog, that’s pretty much all I have to say to instantly arouse you, isn’t it? After four and a half seasons of beefier and more beautiful, frequently naked, stunningly gorgeous men, and I’m like Pavlov’s dog. Just the initials TB make me salivate.

Joe Manganiello is sculpture!

Season 5 is working me harder than ever, with the undisputed leader of the pack of muscle hunks being big, and I mean BIG Joe Manganiello. The last couple of episodes have finally featured him shirtless and hinting at the thought of him dropping trou. Even in shadows and half-clothed, the sight of this man makes me swoon like an antebellum Southern Belle.

Joe just has to reach for hit pants and I break out into a sweat!

Big, BIG Joe’s superhuman physique has inspired two appearances in my homoerotic wrestling fiction. He crushed two opponents at once in a 3-way barnburner to start, coming out on top of werewolf also-rans Taylor Lautner and Russell Tovey, and walking away with the undisputed title of Top Dog as well as tasty morsel Russell slung over his gargantuan shoulder. He went down in a shower of shame as tag team partners with fellow TB alum, Mehcad Brooks, unable to handle the offense of Gerard Butler and Henry Cavill (with outside assistance from Sean Maguire). Joe inspires about a dozen different homoerotic wrestling fantasies in me every day, so count on seeing him again, and again, and again…

Alexander has Joe under his control. Now there’s a fantasy!

I’m going to discuss the current season now, so if you’re going to go into a tizzy because I might spoil it for you, stop reading. Enough said. You’re big boys, so let me just say that seeing Alexander Skarsgård’s character “glamour” big, hunky, shirtless Joe in this week’s episode set off all sorts of explosions in my mind (and pants). Alexander has appeared in a couple of homoerotic wrestling matches in Producer’s Ring as well, but unlike Joe, Alex has climbed his way to the top both times. If I had to guess, I’d say that these two will show up in the ring together before too long, either in opposite corners or as another tag team. I don’t know which, yet.

Ryan Kwanten looks ready to rumble.
I know I’m not alone in picturing Ryan Kwanten as a homoerotic wrestling god either. Just check Sunday’s interview with homoerotic wrestler of the month, Cage Thunder, in which he names Ryan as the one piece of meat he’d put at the front of the line to get the full Cage Thunder ring welcome!
Even Ryan can’t keep his hands off his hot, naked ass!

I’ve pictured Ryan’s sweet ass in private matches three times in my homoerotic wrestling fiction. The first time, he couldn’t control his cock when faced with the mouthwatering muscle of Jamie Bamber (and really, who could blame him?). His second match saw him fare little better, getting jacked off into a damp pool of loser-hood by the powerful thighs of Shemar Moore. But although it may take him a little while, Ryan learns his lesson and takes down a big boy when he faces Justin Bruening.

Christopher Meloni is a beast in my homoerotic wrestling imagination!
But if there’s been a sexy hunk of beef who’s haunted my homoerotic wrestling fiction more than any other, it has to be season 5 TB newbie, Christopher Meloni. Sweet god almighty, they simply had to have sewn him into the blue polo shirt he wore in this past episode. His bulging shoulders and back look like their about to split the fabric every time he moves. In TB, he’s a sadistic, power-hungry, psychologically domineering and physically dominating force of nature. In other words, he’s exactly like I picture him in the ring!
I’ve got plans for those luscious pecs!
And here’s another spoiler. His abrupt exit from the show made me throw stuff at my television. Getting staked by an ugly, skinny super villain transported me back to watching pro wrestling as a kid. I used to get so turned on by the physically dominant, gorgeous muscle boys in the ring, and then find myself provoked nearly to tears to watch the clearly physically inferior heel lie, cheat, and steal his way to crushing my muscleman hero. Classic. And as bitter as I feel about seeing big Christopher shrivel up into a pile of ashes, there’s something beautiful and nostalgic about being taken back to that place right at the root of my homoerotic wrestling kink.  Happily, Christopher lives on in my homoerotic wrestling fiction, due to make a record setting 5th appearance in the Producer’s Ring, flexing those guns and bringing the pretty boys to their knees. Damn, TB works me so hard!

Truly Sexier and Sexier!

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousands times: winner of “best casting on television” for all time is True Blood. Hands down. The show has fed my homoerotic wrestling fantasies since season 1. My celebrity homoerotic wrestling fiction has featured True Blood sex machine Ryan Kwanten being dominated and milked dry by the likes of Jamie Bamber and Shemare Moore, before pulling his act together and besting giant powerhouse Jason Bruening.

Ryan Kwanten in post-coital existential crisis in last night’s True Blood.

Vampire Bill, aka Stephen Moyer turned out to be quite the nasty heel in his underhanded tag team victory alongside Sam Trammel, risking an English backlash in London taking down one of my long-time personal favorites, Russell Tovey and soon to be Hobbit-dwarf, Aiden Turner.

Stephen Moyer checks out Alexander Skarsgård’s pecs (and who blames him?!)

I hold the belief that, in the aggregate, the sexiest men on the planet are the Swedes, and at the head of the pack is True Blood vampire sex stud, Alexander Skarsgård. This explains why Alexander crushed Ashton Kutcher into the mat, shutting the sexy funny man up for good in the Producer’s Ring (at least in front of the camera). Soon afterward, he settled a score for national pride, showing Chris Hemsworth precisely what he thought about the idea of an Aussie being cast as the Norse god, Thor.  I’m not sure who I could imagine besting the 6’4″ blond bombshell on the rise, but if there was one person in my homoerotic wrestling imagination who might pull it off, it very well could be True Blood’s newest resident hunk, Christopher Meloni.

Low rise is never low enough when it comes to the long, lean, gorgeous body of this Swede!

I simply cannot get enough of Christopher Meloni! He came roaring into my homoerotic wrestling imagination making erotic sculpture out of Milo Ventimiglia and Adrian Pasdar, with a little help from his tag team partner Sendhil Ramamurthy. The scene-stealer that he is, Christopher was quickly cast in a singles competition against fantasyman Teddy Sears, showing that Christopher is born to heel.  Still another match was scheduled that was supposed to see Chase Crawford bring badboy Christopher down a rung, but with charisma like Meloni’s, Crawford was destined to be broken (literally). With Christopher’s ego swelling dangerously, the production team in my homoerotic wrestling universe had to take matters into their own hands, and it was finally gorgeous fitness model Ben Godfre who brought the vicious heel to heel, followed by each member of Eli Brody’s executive team taking their shots and pent up frustrations out on the humbled hunk.

Christopher Meloni brings his Chippendales routine to TB.

Not one of these True Blood hunks has faded from my fantasies, and with Christopher packed so tightly into a muscle-bulging designer suit in the past couple of episodes this season, I was aching to the core to see him unleash the beast. Last night he finally gave a hint of what drives me insane, peeling slowly, teasingly out of his suit coat and tie and making me drool to watch him unbutton his dress shirt and slide it slowly, so slowly off.

Bulging shoulders, powerful pecs, a fantasy body sending imaginations exploding!

Fuck, this man is hot! He clearly worked out just right to get into True Blood shape.  He’s bulging in all the right places, lean and sculpted in the rest. He’s biceps and shoulders are huge, rock hard, and pulsing with vascularity.  Damn, I can guarantee we’re seeing now-company man Christiopher Meloni back in bulging trunks and climbing into the ring again in a homoerotic wrestling fantasy borrowing heavily from the brilliant casting of True Blood!

Christopher Meloni’s days in my homoerotic wrestling fiction are most definitely not over!

True Faith

What brand of genius is it that they’ve found in their casting agents at HBO?! I’ve raved (RAVED, I say!), about the uncanny brilliance of the people who have collected such stunningly inspiring hunks as Ryan Kwanten, Sam Trammel, Alexander Skarsgård, Mehcad Brooks, Joe Manganiello, and Stephen Moyer (to name only a few) into one cruise missile to my crotch that is True Blood. Now, reports are out that True Blood has cast Christopher Meloni for next season.

In my daily life, I’ve heaped sneering contempt by the buckets-full on proponents of “Intelligent Design” who argue that there must be a god because the world is just too perfectly ordered to happen by chance. Now, I have to admit, I’m thinking that this addition of Christopher Meloni to the cast of True Blood may have converted me into a believer. This is making me completely rethink whether there is a god controlling things, because this is just too perfect to be believed. Indeed, I’m suspecting there is a god, and he’s a gay man with impeccable taste working for the casting contractor who supplies the divinely inspired collection of erotic fantasymen that make me lost in flights of ecstasy as I ponder the cast of True Blood.

My homoerotic wrestling fiction is littered with evidence of the spiritual power that the casting of True Blood has had on me.  I’ve written fictional wrestling matches starring Trammel, Moyer, and Kwanten. Skarsgård has shown up twice, and like the two appearances of Manganiello, I’m strongly convicted in my faith that they will show up again. And Christopher Meloni has already been haunting my homoerotic wrestling fantasies hard and loud, inspiring 4 matches in just about any constellation I can throw him into the ring to face (singles, tag-team, gang-bang…).  The last we saw Christopher, he was  left stripped naked in the ring after being mauled by all of Eli Brody’s executive assistants in turn. My idea then was that he was finally, tentatively tamed and would be a fantastically sadistic tool of the powers that be in rookie wrecking more upstart egos, now fully incorporated into the corporate powers of the entertainment-industrial complex.

Hot damn in the morning! If that casting agent who is divine ever opens up a church of homoerotic wrestling devotion, I’m going to be the biggest evangelist the world has seen since Cyrus conquered the known world and incorporated all of the local gods into the pantheon of Persian hegemony. If Christopher Meloni doesn’t appear in a naked wrestling match with Manganiello, Skarsgård and, let’s say Allan Hyde (just to keep things fresh), then my faith in Intelligent Design may waver. Till then, I’m a believer, god damn it!

Any Day, Anytime

I completely get it why some of you aren’t going to find these beach pics of Christopher Meloni hot. I think you’re absolutely missing out on some fine, gorgeous man-worship, but I get it. He’s looking a little bloated around the middle. I think it’s the fault of a poor choice of trunks, though. You can still see the outline of his hot muscled abs. Absolutely gorgeous hunk of man meat here, so if you don’t get that, mores for me to love.
Nothing about Christopher Meloni fails to ooze sexy. Did you see Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle? I swear to you, before I recognized that it was Christopher, I saw him in his grotesque, horror flick inbred freak get up (literally named, “Freakshow”), and I thought to myself, “That’s one gorgeous hunk of man disguised under all that makeup.”
It took me about a minute of listening to his voice before I nailed it. Yes, that’s a man straight out of my fantasies.

Christopher has a recurring character role in my homoerotic wrestling fantasies. He has a nasty attitude. He cheats whenever he needs to and can get away with it. He’s sent more than one young buck hopeful to the hospital. And slowly, so slowly, he’s finally been tamed and is turning into a blunt tool of the producer’s for punishing young muscle stars who’ve grown too big for their britches.

Yes, oh yes. I’d climb into the ring with that any day, anytime.

Gay Wrestling Fiction

I came across gay wrestling fiction on the internet about twelve years ago. I stumbled across a sincere little site with very short stories of celebrities mixing it up at various levels of wrestling skill. Each match-up had headshots of the featured celebrities at the top of the page, with a shorthand description of the match. Somewhere along the way, the link died.

I eventually found some gay wrestling fiction of widely differing quality. Men on the Net has a lot of crappy stories, but some that are fun, including some celebrity matches. Mangler’s Wrestling Stories is a multi-author collection that aren’t often celebrity-based, but some are quite homoerotic. I recently rediscovered a celebrity wrestling group through the portal-blog Rants Roids & Rasslin by John Savage. You have to wait for a sign up period to access the Arena Island Celebrity Wrestling stories by Savage, and he’s adamant that you need to participate by leaving comments on the matches, but the writing and the story lines are entertaining and hot (definitely worth it).

Over the past 6 months, I’ve been enjoying writing my own homoerotic wrestling fiction, Producer’s Ring, featuring celebrity personalities. It’s all a fun game of “what if.” What if the world had truly been revolutionized by the internet? What if consumer capitalism expanded to its logical conclusion, where everything and everyone became a commodity for consumption? And most importantly, what if the entertainment-industry built and destroyed celebrity careers based on wrestling match-ups between the actors that keep gay men buying movie tickets? I write about a different world that caters much more explicitly to homoeroticism, but it’s not necessarily a world I’d particularly like to live in. But I greatly enjoy visiting there every so often. I’m currently working on a series of matches featuring Christopher Meloni, inspired by this awesome photo at the top.