Colliding Assets

Rock Hard Wrestling’s newest release features a battle between two of my former homoerotic wrestlers of the month: Jake Jenkins and Lucas Payne. Both Jake and Lucas wrestled their way to the top of the ranks in their respective months by turning me on with their gorgeous bodies, snarling cockiness, and highly skilled salesmanship in the ring. Bodybuilder Lucas got my nod back in the beginning of May thanks in large part to his ability to paint such a vivid character with his knack for mocking his suffering opponent and growling like a grizzly. Muscle stud Jake hip-tossed the competition out of the way two months later with his seriously entertaining and hot wrestling savvy that was totally unexpected for such a green rookie.

With two such great tastes climbing into the ring together, this was bound to make me happy. I’m thrilled to report that I’m deeply satisfied with the result! Both Lucas and Jake bring the best of what they do to this match. They’re both jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Lucas growls and humiliates like a nasty bully with a serious delight for domination. Jake tosses, pounds, flies, and works that hot muscle ass of his off from start to finish. It’s a relatively quick bout, but it has a whole lot of the elements that get me off, including that famously astounding camera work that RHW does better than just about anyone, taking you so close to the action that you can just about smell the sweat beading up in the deep crevice between Jake’s pecs as he applies grunting, crushing body scissors on a desperately thrashing Lucas.

The premise for the match plays right into what these boys do best, even if it may be a tad predictable. Jake is “Mr. Skills,” calling out Lucas, who is lifting his “baby weights” at ringside, as being nothing but a bodybuilder pretending to be a wrestler. Skill versus power, big versus little, cocky muscle hunk versus cocky muscle hunk, with bragging rights that much more important for these two young, built, and testosterone-fueled bucks. Side by side you might think that it’d be a stretch to sell Jake as ready to stand toe-to-toe with such a big, beautiful bodybuilder. Jake is giving up a reported 3 inches in height (looks like more), and 15 pounds in weight (again, looks like more). But Jake is fucking fast and furious, and I wouldn’t doubt for a second that any encounter between these two boys would be seriously competitive. When “little” Jake snaps on a full nelson and locks his knees around Lucas’ incredibly narrow waist, clamped across Lucas’ back like a tick, the big bodybuilder’s voice sounds sincerely pissed and frustrated as he does his futile best to dislodge his opponent. “Get off me!”

I’ve lobbed armchair criticisms at RHW in the past for any number of weaknesses, but this match seems like solid wrestling entertainment to me. The holds continue to be too brief, each advantage milked simply too little to fully believe that these guys have quite a passionate lust for domination. But the range of the action is hot as hell. Lucas’ repeatedly digs his claw into Jake’s luscious pec, even while the bodybuilder is crushing the air out of Jake’s lungs with his pride and joy “thunder thighs” squeezing out his fantastically enviable bodyscissors (I’d trade places with Jake in a heartbeat if Lucas promised not to let go of those scissors until I screamed). Jake’s ability to toss, slam, and have his way with his bodybuilder opponent makes me gasp in awe and count up the abundance of evidence that Jake’s had a wrestling resume long before we first saw him at RHW. The sight of Lucas pulling Jake off his feet in a string of bearhugs (including a beautifully suggestive rear bearhug that REQUIRED me pushing pause, rewind, play, pause, rewind, and play) is profoundly arousing. I found it dizzyingly hot to watch the big hunk with those massively thick arms squeeze the pint-sized dynamo and thrash him back and forth, as Jake’s arms and legs fly about like a rag doll in my terrier’s mouth.

Like I said, I’m loving the range of action that these boys deliver in this match. There aren’t many examples of holds chained together like the veterans do so pleasingly, but both wrestlers mix it up with blows, strength moves, throws, slams, and joint work. Jake uses three out of four corners to launch his increasingly deep arial arsenal. Lucas bounds off the ropes on all four sides of the ring in all-in sprints, and I was powerfully entertained to see the bodybuilder choking his smaller opponent in the middle rope in round 2. They cover the geography of the ring well. They spend good time on their feet, in the ropes, in the corners, in the air (particularly Jake), and on the mat. They demonstrate both speed and power, and between nicely sold strikes and some crafty camera work, I found very little to break my suspension of disbelief that these two rock hard hunks were punishing the hell out of each other.

It’s a rare thing to see two of my favorites go toe-to-toe, and it simply demands comparison not only in the sense of competitive combat (as in which wrestling hunk is going to come out on top), but also in the sense of competing for my loyalties as the cream of the crop. Which homoerotic wrestler of the month alum comes out on top in commanding my lust, when the two display their assets one-on-one for 16 minutes of high quality wrestling entertainment? Neither of these beautiful boys are losers, by any means, and I hope that we see more of both of them, building on their ring presence and wrestling skills and continuing to thrill with the cocky characters that they’ve both impressively established.

But as mouthwatering as it is to watch Lucas work up a sweat, it’s Jake that sells me hardest and most pleasingly. Lucas pulls his weight, no doubt, particularly with selling the delightful sight of a cocky bodybuilder suffering. But Jake’s delivery of the “little man” who’s in control, out-moving, out-maneuvering, and yes, even out-powering his bigger opponent is just the tastiest treat on the menu. Jake simply works harder and sells every second one step more convincingly and entertainingly. He holds the initiative for about 2/3rds of the match, and although that demands a whole lot of exquisite suffering from Lucas, it impresses me and arouses me even more to see Jake maintain the energy and momentum with a steady stream of beautifully paced, skillfully delivered, commandingly executed wrestling entertainment.

Keep up the excellent work, boys!

Divinity and a Spanking

Someone (and he knows who he is) deserves a stern spanking for delaying for a couple of days my opportunity to rip open a certain padded manilla envelope with the treasure Hunkbash 12 inside. One viewing of Kid Karisma offering No Mercy to  Jake Jenkins, however, and my thoughts of needing to spank someone have evaporated… for now….

Holy…. shit. Good God almighty. Sweet Jesus! There’s just no other way to describe it. This was a religious experience for me. I am completely captivated and captured by this match!

Kid K and Jake tell a truly classic pro tale. The rookie is all eager, flexing in the locker room mirror, tucking in the drawstrings of his stark, white speedos and pulling up his kneepads. He’s a rock hard, barefoot warrior ready to conquer. Like a spider, however, Kid K descends in black boots, black knee pads, and black trunks. A locker room ambush is the rookie’s first lesson: always keep looking over your shoulder, Jake!

It’s a schooling, nearly from start to finish. Kid K drags the rookie around, quite literally by the scruff of his neck. He toys with Jake. He preens and proves over and over that this is “sport” only in the sense that shooting clay pigeons from the deck of a cruise ship is sport. Lightweight hunk Jake is easy prey for being tossed and flipped, hurled and hammered mercilessly by a salivating Kid K. The Kid sets his sights early and unceasingly on Jake’s beautiful lower back. A few body slams to soften him up set the stage for the first of several excruciatingly lingering camel clutches that stretch and strain Jake’s neck and back. Prying the rookie’s head sharply backward with a fistful of hair on one hand, Kid K crunches out a massively peaked single bicep with his other, all to the soundtrack of Jake sobbing in agony.

Kid K is nastier than I’ve ever seen him, and he’s punching every button I’ve got. He looks like he relishes every boot he pounds into Jake’s naked back almost as much as he’s seriously getting off on flexing and posing over top of the battered rookie. I expect Kid K at any moment to yank down his trunks and pound out a couple of quarts in eye fluttering ecstasy. He doesn’t, of course… me, on the other hand….

Kid K is like a master artist in this match.  He has a delightful knack for carefully positioning almost every long, lingeringly held hold so that he (and we) can admire both his and Jake’s ripped bodies. There are no wasted motions, nothing abrupt or interrupted as the master chips away at this masterpiece. Right around 7 minutes into the match, he has Jake weeping in another camel clutch. As the camera zooms in for a close up, Kid K looks right at you and me with a sly grin, even as he barks at Jake, “Give up!?” He captures Jake’s chin in his left hand and pries the rookie’s head both backward and around, making the veins in Jake’s neck rise to the surface. When Jake refuses to give, Kid K rocks back and forth, sliding his hips forward and backward, wrenching on the poor rookie’s back that much harder. I swear, it looks like Kid K is dry humping the young stud’s sweaty, corded back.

Kid K pushes his luck, like all narcissists do sooner or later. He throws in one too many showboating cartwheels on his way toward using his body like a battering ram against Jake in the corner. At the last moment, Jake lifts his elbow and catches the red-headed terror in the face. A truly stunning flying head scissors illustrates that Jake is filling out a legitimate pro wrestling arsenal very quickly. Kid K’s unnecessary roughness has bruised hot young Jake’s ego a little too much, perhaps, inspiring the rookie to return the favor and drag Kid K to his feet by an iron clad fistful of hair. The massive sweat stain that Kid K leaves on the mat after getting awesomely flattened by a Jake Jenkins drop kick makes me swoon, hit rewind, swoon again, hit rewind again, and then swoon for a third time. Suplex after sweaty suplex winds the boy in black. But not for long.

Prying Jake’s back like a twist-tie around the ring post is every second as long as it needs to be to get the job done on Kid K’s side of the camera and on mine. And, okay, so I don’t have a strangling fetish, but sweet Jesus, when Kid K plants his claws around Jake’s neck, schoolboy pinning him and making the rookie’s face turn bright red, I can’t deny it. That’s fucking hot!

I can’t decide who’s ass works me harder (though I’d love to give that a road test), Jake’s tightly packed, athletic glutes or Kid Karisma’s mind-blowingly round muscle butt. Jake’s sweet ass is beautifully and generously displayed, as Kid K lifts him off his feet in a groaning, gasping bearhug. A reverse bearhug chaser, gives us a long look at just about every inch of Jake’s dripping body. I swear, a reverse bearhug never looked so much like a power-fuck!

So I’ve got just a few conclusions to wrap up this inadequate attempt to capture a profound spiritual experience. First conclusion, I was never so right as the day I picked Jake Jenkins to be my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month. I’m on my knees begging the gods to send us more of Jake. Second conclusion, someone (and he knows who he is) seriously needs that spanking for keeping this treasure out of my hands even a second longer than necessary (you didn’t think I’d seriously forgotten!?).

And a third and final conclusion, Kid Karisma can simply do no wrong when it comes to my homoerotic wrestling kink entertainment these days. Time after time, he’s brought his ridiculously sexy brand of nastiness into my wrestling fantasies, doing to one pretty little thing after another, with masterful precision, exactly what I’m longing for him to do. It’s a momentous day, and regular readers can attest that this does not happen all that frequently, but Hunkbash 12 has convinced me without a shadow of a doubt that Kid K has broken into the top ranks of my favorite homoerotic wrestlers – non-pornboys. That’s right, Joshua Goodman! Kid Karisma has refused to call you Mr. Joshua and instead slapped you and your pendulous package back into the ranks of the not-quite contenders. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Mr. Joshua claw his way back into contention, but for now, as of this moment, Lon Dumont had better watch his rippled back, because Kid Karisma is my new top contender for the title of my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler – non-pornboy.

I’m a Pussy

Brad Rochelle: BG East’s Backyard Brawls 1
This has come as a bit of a shock to me, but I have to admit it: I am a pussy. Now, I mean that in the most non-misogynistic (and pro-feline) way possible, but frankly, there’s just no way to sugar coat it. I’m a pussy. A few unkind hearts reading this are nodding their heads and snarkily mumbling that it’s about time that I admitted it. Well… fuck you, that’s not what I’m talking about. I don’t back down from a fight, and I’ve been told by several independent sources that when I’m in a particularly serious mood, I remind them of an angry grammar school gym teacher (which, perhaps oddly, I find really flattering). What I am a pussy about, however, is this heat.
Ryon Long & Greg Michaels: BG East’s Backyard Brawls 2

I’d heard that Boston in late July was hot, but somehow I still wasn’t mentally prepared. I catch myself continually bitching and moaning about the heat throughout the day, and I’m not proud of it. I sleep on top of the covers with a fan blowing directly in my face, and still I’m hot. And now a local colleague has mentioned to me that it’s going to “start heating up around here” over the next few days. I almost started to cry. I can’t deny it. I’m a pussy.

Shannon Embry & Jonny Firestorm:
BG East’s The Contract 9

On the other hand, this sort of heat brings out an abundance of bare flesh. And I’ve been very delighted with the hot and bothered eye candy that Boston has to offer. I keep looking for some BG East wrestling hunk strolling down the street (preferably in his skimpiest wrestling trunks). But despite not catching any BG East fanstymen sightings yet, I have to say, I’ve seen some prime beef that very well might be able to give the BG East boys a run for their money (at least in hunky looks… toss them into the ring and I’m sure our BGE battlers would beat the shit out of these downtown posers).

Reigning Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month:
The sweat-soaked gorgeousness o Jake Jenkins
Regular readers also know what a sucker I am for a thick sheen of sweat on a muscled hunk, so just imagine my constant titillation in a city baking their beefy boys with a side of nasty humidity.
Brad Rochelle: The Contract 6

Back to the self-revelation that I’m a pussy, though… as for me, I just don’t have the body chemistry to enjoy baking my own body. Sun bathing is not on my list of enjoyable pass-times. Watching the fine physiques of hot guys sun bathing is an enjoyable pass-time, but even then, it turns out that I’m such a pussy that my own discomfort is distracting me from that most excellent byproduct of a steamy, summer day.

Kid Karisma & Christian Taylor: BG East’s Wet & Wild 5

And frankly, the notion of a wrestling match is almost too much for me to bear. The last thing I feel like doing in this heat is swapping body heat with anyone else in close quarters. This pussiness is profoundly, existentially unsettling the very core of my wrestling kink identity that I typically find as constant as magnetic north. But a whole lot of aggressive, physical exertion at this moment is almost nauseating to think about.

A homoerotic wrestler I’d wrestle in any weather:
BG East’s Mitch Colby
Then again, the right body, perhaps lubricated with some tanning oil, could probably lure me out of my bitchy, whiny buzzkill. I hope you don’t judge me too harshly for this vulnerable confession. However, if you do, wait till September and I’m back in a more familiar climate, and I’ll kick your ass and make you enjoy every second of it.

We’ve Only Just Begun

Note to self: Don’t check the BG East website updates when in a relatively public place. My instant arousal upon seeing a barefoot Jake Jenkins in knee pads and Kevin Von Erich-esque tight, white trunks posing for his ring match with bad boy musclestud, Kid Karisma, required me to stay seated for quite a while in order to keep confidential the tented crotch of my pants. I don’t know if I’ll manage to wait for a DVD copy of Hunkbash 12, or if I’ll cave as I curse the US Postal Service and also buy a 24-hour pay-per-view download of the match in the BGE Arena. Damn my inability to control my lust for instant gratification! Damn, that’s one hot wrestler! Damn straight, he’s my homoerotic wrestler of the month!

As I struggle to see whether I can wait it out for Hunkbash 12, let me celebrate another Jake Jenkins match that thrills me to the core and makes me almost ready to throw a bar mitzvah for Rock Hard Wrestling. The quality of Jake’s recent release against rookie (somehow I don’t think so) Gunnar Bayani (I LOVE that name!!!) suggests that RHW may have finally come of age, as far as I’m concerned. Delightful pacing from two skilled athletes with a story to tell. Gunnar has some professional moves and presence that clearly draw from an established ring career elsewhere. And my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month is both absolutely gorgeous and delivering a delightful combination of amateur tosses and pins mixed in with a growing arsenal of pro-style thumps, flights, and viciousness.

Gunnar plays it cool to start the match. “All that wait, and this is what I get?” Someone needs to check Gunnar’s eyesight, because Jake is looking stunning from go. He sports incredible fitness with thick, athletic muscles in all the right places to keep him both flexible and physically dominating in the ring. And that ass… my, oh my, that ass… packed into those red square cuts to perfection.

The running bit that Jake pushes from before they ever make contact is the comparison of Gunnar to skinny Japanese competitive eating champion, Takeru Kobayashi. Personally, I don’t really see the resemblance, but then again, I don’t suppose that’s the point. It’s about psyching out an outmatched opponent. “You look that that little skinny Kobayashi,” Jake taunts. Let’s face it, no one is going to be intimidated by Takeru Kobayashi unless you’re stupid enough to go head to head with him in competitive eating. In the wrestling ring, however, it’s another story.

“Just like skinny Kobayashi, I beat guys four times my size!” Gunnar snaps back. And although Jake’s physique is way out of Gunnar’s league, Jake is definitely not four times his size. Gunnar unleashes a lightening fast volley to get the action started that has Jake seeing stars. Backing my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month into the corner, Gunnar lands several hard slaps to Jake’s gorgeous pecs that echo around the arena. “Owww!” Jake gasps with a stunned grin that looks unmistakably like he’s actually caught off guard by the sincerity and authenticity of Gunnar’s assault to his beautiful chest. Jake’s beautiful pecs glows bright, bright red for the next 5 minutes of this match.

But once Jake catches the momentum, he illustrates handily what all those gorgoues muscles can do. He picks Gunnar up like a sack of potatoes and flings him to the mat. Just to even the scorecard, he takes pleasure in some tit-for-tat corner abuse. “Does that hurt!?” Jake demands, just checking, just measuring the immediate effect of his swelling dominance over the rookie. “How does that feel?” he asks, as if he’s taking notes in the fine art of exacting the maximum agony out of a skinny rookie. A single leg crab has Gunnar screaming. Jake transitions to a nasty leg lock that looks like he’s nearly ripping his opponent’s leg off at the knee. A lightening fast drop kick, a running scoop slam, and a school boy pin sets him up to return the favor of pounding Gunnar’s tight pecs with his fists. For an amateur wrestler stepping sideways into the pro ring, Jake shows that he’s got a quickly growing arsenal of holds and maneuvers that take full advantage of his strength, flexibility, and finely tuned awareness of his body in motion. He flies off the corner turnbuckle. He lands a drop kick that spins Gunnar 270 degrees in mid-air. Gunnar is going nowhere as Jake slaps down a leisurely 3-count pinfall. “After that you may want to go back to eating hot dogs, Kobayashi!” he smirks.

Jake works my wrestling kink every bit as relentlessly and skillfully as he inevitably works over Gunnar. Slamming the rookie’s face into the turnbuckle, he taunts, “How do those corners taste!?” Multiple powerslams leave gunnar gasping for air. Jake sells some suffering as well, as Gunnar delivers unmistakably expert offense.  His running drop kick squarely into Jake’s face looks awfully nasty and perfectly on the money, from my angle. But eventually overcoming exhaustion, Jake just manages to catch Gunnar in mid-air as he leaps off the turnbuckle, reversing the flight it into a beautiful power slam that has the rookie helpless. Jake quickly lifts Gunnar across his shoulders in an entirely convincing torture rack in the center of the ring, pulling hard on Gunnar’s body as the rookie screams in desperate agony before gasping out his submission. “We’re 2 and 0! Game over!” Jake flexes, his body beautifully pumped from a seriously athletic match.

Jake, my homoerotic wrestler of the month, I’m passionately hoping that we’ve only just begun!

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

I’ve recently had no less than 3 back channel comments quibbling with my choices of homoerotic wrestler of the month in the past. I LOVE it that so many of you have strong opinions about who deserves the fan-love and fawning worship. I even appreciate it when you give me your well-considered rationales for why I may have got it wrong from time to time. Personally, I feel strongly that there’s room for a few more homoerotic wrestling fan blogs out there, which would most certainly result in competing wrestler infatuations for us to respectfully debate in the public arena. In the mean time, however, I feel compelled to humbly soldier onward, noting the flip of the calendar and the time to select a new reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month.
Just to remind you, the method to my madness is to promote and celebrate new releases, so I choose each homoerotic wrestler of the month based on who turned me on the most from among the wrestlers who appeared in new wrestling products in the previous calendar month. June new releases posted a relatively small selection to choose from, and yet I found the decision a tough and close call. BG East came out with their summer surprise line-up, including for consideration the likes of Kid Karisma and Z-Man from Fantasymen 33: Muscle Pros, cross-over rookie lovelies Jake Jenkins and Austin Cooper from Ripped Rookies 1: A Score to Settle, Marc Merino for his work getting worshipped, worshipping, and then getting muscled out by Stan Greer in Wrestle Worship 2: Triple Emission, and both Ashley Ryder and Rob Chandler from their fantastically charged motel match from Gear Wars 3: UK Kink. Jake Jenkins did double time to stuff the ballot box this month, also appearing for Rock Hard Wrestling sporting square cuts and a mop of curly hair, initiating lean and mean Gunnar Bayani (I LOVE that name). Thunders Arena put up Dallas in both their newest Custom Vid against a second entry for Z-Man this month, as well as in a No Holds Barred match against the sexy one himself, Big Sexy. Can-Am presented extremely strong contenders in June, including Jobe Zander taking matters into his own hands against jaw-dropping rookie physique star, Thiago Diaz, and Rusty Stevens, the prodigal son himself, returning from retirement to climb into the ring and post a Pro Sex battle against new potential infatuation for me, Kevin Crowes. Finally, from Naked Kombat I’m tossing three pornboys into the hat this month, including DJ for appearing both in singles and tag competition, Phenix Saint for a powerful singles match and then walking away with his tail between his legs in tag competition, and Trent Diesel looking to be not only my favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy, but also the first 3-peat homoerotic wrestler of the month.
Did I miss anyone? Like I said, there are extremely strong contenders for my homoerotic wrestler of the month title. Veterans, current and former favorite homoerotic wrestlers, stunning rookies… a high quality field from a relatively small list (compared with some months). I’ve gone back and forth, making lists and comparing strengths. It’s fine, delicate calculus, but in the end, I’ve settled on one wrestler who is yanking my crank just a little harder than the rest…
Here’s where I fully expect to get some push back, because I realize that there are several of you who are more smitten with Jake’s rookie buddy in BG East’s Ripped Rookies, Austin Cooper. And I totally see it. The golden boy with hollywood handsomeness and a bubble butt is fantastic, and with a couple inches taller and 10 pounds more muscle than Jake, Austin makes a really big impression on me, as well. But here’s where the subjectivity and completely personal tastes come into the picture. I’ve got a thing for the shorter hunk of muscle who goes toe-to-toe with the bigger opponent.

I’m certain that my lust for wrestling hunks under a certain height is directly related to my own stature. Watching Jake (or Denny or Lon…), I can’t help but identify with the shorter stud. And like Denny and Lon, Jake has the fiery, complete lack of self-consciousness about his size that gets me very hot and bothered. Austin’s gorgeousness and superficial superiority in still frame serve only to make me crazy for every snarl and commanding offense that Jake slaps down.

Jake’s presence on the mat for Ripped Rookies connects some dots for me that I was only guessing at from his ring work for Rock Hard Wrestling. A wrestler with amateur cred, who can dance on the balls of his feet, who can play a fraction of an inch of leverage for all its worth, who is both muscled and incredibly flexible… all of this can translate into instant erotic wrestling kink gold. With just a subtle shift of his center of gravity or the not-so-subtle tolerance of getting twisted and tied up into gorgeous, sweat-soaked, bare-assed knots, Jake’s body tells the story of an eager athlete who’s worked not only his beautiful muscles but also his awareness of his own body, his opponent’s body, and his understanding of the precise mechanics of joints and their tolerances.

Jake has timing and an awesome look of orgasmic ecstasy when he’s pressing an advantage on his way to a crowing victory. Particularly with Ripped Rookies, Jake has also illustrated in his rookie career that he can work up a tasty sweat, go muscle-for-muscle in tests of strength, and really wail in agony as someone who genuinely understands the experience of suffering.
Jake rocks me and delights me. Even on the mat or in the ring with bigger muscle boys with more classically handsome features (arguably), Jake grabs me by the chin, demands my eye contact, and refuses to let me glance away for even a moment. He’s a rookie, no doubt about it. He’s not always polished, and he doesn’t always tell a seamless story the way some of the veterans he beat out for the title this month can. But I’m infatuated with every moment he wrestles, every lightening fast counter, every stomp and squeeze, every roar and gasp.
You may have picked someone else (and I really do enjoy hearing about it). But I’m awfully pleased with the very strong performances of my new homoerotic wrestler of the month: Jake Jenkins.

Bard’s Fantasy League Picks

When Z-Man debuted with BG East 3 months ago, a regular reader emailed me to let me know just how excited he was by this news. He immediately speculated on who from the BG East roster Z-Man should wrestle next. Turns out, he hit the nail right on the head, proposing that a Z-Man v Kid Karisma bout would be over the top arousing.

Of course, now we know, Z-Man followed up his mat debut with BG East with a pro ring muscle match against none other than Kid K. Nice call, savvy neverland reader! And your prediction that a Z-Man v Kid K match would be smokin’ was perfect prognostication.

From a different angle, Cage Thunder recently called out both BG East rookie Austin Cooper AND proposed a detailed ring match scenario against Austin’s rookie buddy, Jake Jenkins. I’ve got a major league crush on Jake,  so Cage’s proposal to face him in the ring is fueling my imagination. Jake in white trunks with pale blue trim, then 30 minutes after stepping into the ring with Cage, stripped naked, pounded into a daze and helpless in Cage’s skilled hands… well, this concept is pure gold, in my estimation.

All of this speculation, proposal and prognostication sheds light on what I assume must be a nearly universal mental exercise that wrestling kinsters play: the fantasy homoerotic wrestling card. At least, I’ve been playing that game for as long as I’ve been erotically captivated by wrestling. I love that these virtual connections available to us now, like blogs and emails, give us the opportunity to compare notes. So, in addition to a Cage on Jake Jenkins ring strip battle, here are the current top 3 fantasy league homoerotic wrestling matches on my scorecard:

Lon Dumont v Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!)

I’ve fantasized about this combination long and hard. Not only would this settle once and for all the question of who deserves the title of my favorite homoerotic wrestler – non-pornboy division (but remember, it’s about who turns me on the most, not necessarily who “wins”), I also think this would be an absolutely amazing mash-up of two delightfully different sets of assets.

Thiago Diaz v Brad Rochelle
I haven’t even had an opportunity to see if Thiago has anything at all to offer in the wrestling ring other than that fantasyman bod and that hefty package dangling between his legs, but I’m already lining him up for some rookie initiation. The return of Brad has been a long-held aching fantasy of mine (and many others, I know), and I think Brad working over Thiago’s muscles from top to bottom would be an earth-shaking combination of veteran fan favorite with jaw dropping rookie sensation.

First of all, Kid V partnering with Rafe Sanchez has long haunted my homoerotic wrestling dreams. Second, I’ve nursed a whole lot of lust for a PG-to-R-rated evolution of the careers of pretty, innocent, eager muscle boys Cody and Travis. I picture this as both a coming-of-age wrestling scenario for the bright-eyed boys as well as Rafe’s first apprenticeship match, learning from the master of sadism himself.

What are your fantasy league homoerotic wrestling matches of choice?

Tightening Bard’s Belt

My post on the cost of my wrestling kink generated a lot of feedback. One nice result from my nervous confession that I’ve never tracked down permission from Can-Am to repost their pics is that I got an email from Can-Am giving me permission to repost their pics (thanks!).

Thiago Diaz and Jobe Zander – Can-Am’s Decrotchery

Speaking of which, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I saw the preview pics of Jobe Zander’s new match for Can-Am against one of the hottest new muscle bodies I’ve seen in a long time, who goes by the name Thiago Diaz. Thiago is absolutely phenomenal to look at in still frame.  My head is about to explode in anticipation of seeing if he’s just as kinetically hot and whether he can sell some sweet homoerotic wrestling. The sustained ball torture he appears to endure in his rookie debut entitled Decrotchery looks like seriously nasty shit of the variety that Jobe specializes in. If Thiago shows up in Can-Am’s series Pro Sex Fights, I may need CPR (preferably delivered by Thiago).

Rusty Stevens and Kevin Crowes – Can-Am’s Pro Sex Fight 4

And speaking of my jaw dropping (and hot muscle bodies and Pro Sex Fights), Can-Am has also posted in their store their newest Pro Sex Fight starring former long-time holder of the title as my favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy, Rusty Stevens! I don’t know what this means for Rusty’s announcement that he was retiring from porn last autumn. But knowing nothing other than that Rusty has climbed into the pro wrestling ring, I can already say with absolutely certainty that he’s back in contention to slam, squeeze, pound and fuck his way through the ranks of my favorite homoerotic wrestlers. And this rookie that he’s squaring off against is making my head spin with almost as much velocity as Thiago Diaz! Kevin Crowes is devastatingly handsome, constructed like a go-go boy addicted to his workout endorphins, and sporting what looks to an epic cock and major league, aesthetically gorgeous ink. Smart money might be on Rusty totally owning the rookie hunk, but then again, Rusty’s long resume of wrestling domination doesn’t feature much ring action at all, and this very well may be the first time that I’ve ever seen Rusty out-prettied by an opponent (possibly with the exception of David Taylor).

Jake Jenkins and Austin Cooper – BG East’s Ripped Rookies 1: A Score to Settle

In addition to the happy bonus of getting word that Can-Am is okay with me reposting, joining the ranks of the generous folks at BG East, Thunder’s Arena, and Rock Hard Wrestling, my post on the cost of wrestling kink also generated some sincere efforts from several folks giving me advice about what subscription I ought to choose to be the one to drop. Jon gave me more of a psychological assessment of my core beliefs and motivations, concluding that his read on my equivocation is that I should drop Can-Am and Thunder’s. Off line, I had one adamant reader insist that once you’ve seen one Naked Kombat, you’ve seen them all, so I shouldn’t expect anything too new or novel to need to keep investing in them. Someone also made the most fair point that the real cost-benefit ratio should be measured at the top end of the discounts that all 4 of my subscriptions offer (even if I’m too undisciplined to budget the big bucks for one time per year cost savings).

Leo Forte & Trent Diesel – Naked Kombat – The Bondage Match June 22, 2011

With that in mind, let me point out that I could get 365 days of BG East Arena delights for $125. A year of Can-Am Max and the opportunity to pine over the likes of Thiago Diaz would set me back $179.95. The most cost-efficient means of enjoying Thunder’s Arena’s Thunder TV is 90 days for $59.99 on a recurring bill (not sure why a non-recurring 90 days should suddenly jump up to $100… should that be a year?), which would equate to $240 for a full 360 days. And finally, for Naked Kombat’s exclusive content, I could be maximizing the fuck for the buck with their 1-year subscription at $169.99.

Z-Man and Dallas – Thunder’s Arena’s Custom Match

Since I’m not made of money, and since I anticipate some big bills coming up related to a barrage of travel obligations in the next 6 months, I feel like the cost-benefit analysis brings me to an unmistakable conclusion. Thunder TV, I’m afraid, is the weakest link. I’m going to sign back off of them, regretfully, but I’ll check with Joe at Ringside at Skull Island for any can’t miss new releases that he reviews from Thunder’s. Thanks to everyone who gave me your thoughtful advice. Now, if anyone has any other wrestling kink websites out there that I’m not tracking, let me know if you think I’m missing out on some major kink gold. And of course, should Rock Hard Wrestling come out with an exclusive content membership option, I’ll have to reconsider everything. It would require a whole new cost analysis of my overall wrestling kink budget, of course…

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So here’s the scenario: a long, lanky runway model climbs into a pro wrestling ring with a shorter, muscle bound fitness model, determined to put the “little guy” in his place. Regular readers of my work in the fictional homoerotic wrestling universe of the Producer’s Ring will recognize this story line instantly. But wait… I didn’t write this story! This is a live action, high definition, sweat and muscle throw down brought to you by the franchise that specializes exclusively (for the most part) in fantasy men: Rock Hard Wrestling.

New RHW wrestlers Jake Jenkins and Cliff Johnson star in RHW’s newest release. Jake is the 5’7″, 155 pound fitness model. Cliff is the 6’1″, 175 pound runway model. Staring one another down in the middle of the ring, these two instantly tweak one of my “guilty” wrestling kink pleasures: short v tall.

I don’t know exactly what it is that makes a short v tall wrestling match so intensely erotic for me. There’s of course something inherently sexy about one man dominating over another, and a notable size differential adds to the available repertoire of domination holds, lifts, and blows that more closely matched opponents might not be able to pull off. But by no means am I just a fan of the big guy tossing around the little guy (though that can be awfully satisfying). My kink also kicks into high gear at the sight of a smaller opponent beating the living shit out of the bigger guy. Perhaps it’s the nod to a bullied-revenge plot that speaks to my inner, insecure gay adolescent. Since I’m not exactly the tallest kid in the class myself, maybe I’m just superimposing myself, empowered and dominant, onto the tight “little” package of Jake Jenkins. Perhaps Jake becomes my avatar, working out all the aggression and righteous indignation I’ve felt over the years when bigger guys stare down at me with a smirk of condescension.

In any case, here’s what I see: Jake and Cliff execute nicely, in fact better than your average RHW match, I’d say. In the actual delivery of kicks, stomps and punches (which RHW matches consistently seem to fixate on), Jake and Cliff both sell with convincing flair and timing. Cliff is determined to not undersell his suffering when Jake has been on a roll, and I, for one, applaud that. I’m okay with the miraculous recovery under most circumstances, but I like the pathos of a wrestler fighting with the aches and pains of a vicious attack in order to battle his way back on top, despite himself. Cliff looks like he really struggles to overcome not only Jake, but his own physical tolerances for pain and exhaustion. Love that.

I don’t know where Jake or Cliff are coming from, but I’m guessing Jake has some amateur wrestling experience on his CV, and that Cliff does not. Jake sets the terms of this match instantly by going for a pinfall. Fall one, indeed, eventually goes to Jake for wrapping the long, long body of his opponent up into an ass-splayed small package. It’s a hold like this that makes me long to be ringside, with my champ, Jake, holding Cliff immobilized and humiliated, for me to slide into the ring and more closely examine, in tactile detail, the humiliated physique of the vulnerable hunk. I think there’s a market there, for not just the loser-gets-fucked by the winner scenarios (done delightfully and often), but perhaps a loser-gets-fucked by the winner’s manager, patron, second, or partner. You tag ’em, Jake, and I’ll bag ’em.

What makes me think that Cliff doesn’t have the amateur cred that Jake does is his second fall win with an odd pin that, while immobilizing Jake to his back, leaves the fitness model’s shoulders nowhere near making contact with the mat. It’s one too many “pins” for my taste anyway. Bring on the submission torture, boys! Speaking of which, I’m liking the corner abuse both boys inflict in turn, in a tit-for-tat exchange with legs “trapped” over the top ropes and the victims hanging helplessly upside down for bashing. Cliff takes the lead first, stomping and punching Jake’s rippled abs, taunting him nicely. Jake follows up, with a significant assist from Cliff to get into position (size differential is requires some stagecraft on a few counts… no harm, no foul, I’d say). Jake lands two hot drop kicks into the runway model’s abs, without a ton of momentum, but hot, nevertheless.

The third and decisive fall is a figure-4 leglock submission following up a completely gratuitous stomp to the runway model’s balls. Now there’s the glimpse of greatness I hope for from RHW! There are no refs. They sell a full contact, NHB sort of story. So there’s absolutely no credible reason that we aren’t seeing more ball bashing. There’s just no excuse for failing to see more long, torturous holds with the catcher screaming in agony and the pitcher taunting, delighting, soaking in the sight of his domination. Cliff taps way too quickly in the figure-4, and Jake releases the hold similarly too fast to make this entirely kink-satisfying. And the pecs on Jake are screaming for some laughing pec claws threatening to rip the fitness boy to shreds. Cliff’s comparatively soft core should provide a legally binding requirement for Jake, the fitness model, to claw, stretch, pummel and knead the runway model’s abs like a loaf of bread dough.

As is so often the case with my reviews for RHW, I say again, there’s a lot that’s going right here. The gay wrestling kink audience (surely 99.9% of RHW revenues) should find plenty to entertain us. But the personalities need to be about 15 times bigger, the holds held about 3 times longer, the gear either about half the size, or stripped out of the square cuts partway through to much less/nothing, and the physiological bases of homoerotic wrestling abuse (pec/nipple abuse, cock & ball bashing, holds that not only dominate (lingeringly) but display these impressive physiques like serving up a platter of steaks) need to be covered with their audience in mind. I know, it’s easy to be Barcalounger Quarterback. I don’t want to suggest that I wouldn’t snap up another Jake Jenkins match (please, I beg of you, against Travis Storm), in a heartbeat. But I’m still waiting to throw that coming of age party for RHW that Joe and I have been longing to celebrate.