And the Nominees Are…

January 10, 2017 wrestlebard1 Comment

You only have until the end of the day Thursday to register your vote for the Best of BG East in 2016, so I’m going to power through the remaining categories for those waiting for the completion of this voter’s guide. As always, take it with a grain of salt. My opinions reflect nothing more than my opinions. Just vote. It’s supposed to be fun. All of these wrestlers are beautiful, and we’re lucky to get to enjoy their wrestling, so heap praises on all of them.

Best Submission

I’ve asked for clarification on this category before, but not really gotten any. The options are matches, but they aren’t all really submission matches, so the category isn’t best submission match so much. But we don’t get to vote on a particular submission within a match. I’m sure I’m over thinking it. In any case, I’ll keep my comments brief in the interest of getting through the remainder of the ballot before the polls close.

Two sensationally skilled indy pro wrestlers add up to incredible submissions. I was torn between including a photo of this Mexican Ceiling hold or Lucky’s gorgeous stretcher, hanging from the ropes and wrenching Dick every wrong way. Very top quality wrestling, with sensationally executed submissions.

3-Way Thrash 4 – Jonny Firestorm vs. Brute Baynard vs. Guido Genatto

The options for sensational submissions exponentiate when you throw three highly skilled indy pro veterans in the ring for a free for all. It’s hard to beat Guido’s simultaneous camel clutch on Brute and Boston Crab on Jonny for innovation and strength. This is my second favorite submission in the mix.

Undagear 25 – Drake Marcos vs. Ethan Andrews

Submissions fly every which way between Drake and Ethan, so it’s hard to pick out just one to highlight. I’m partial to this gorgeous figure-4 face-smothering Ethan uses to put Drake out cold. Of course, two pony rides in this match sort of epitomize submission. Extremely hot back and forth in this battle.

Gazebo Grapplers 18 – Paul Hudson vs. Skip Vance

Again, I’m not sure which one submission to highlight, but I’m pretty sure it’s one where Skip Vance is getting his skinny ass handed to him on a platter (because that’s pretty much every submission in this match). I do like everything about this particular submission hold featured here, with Paul applying scissors, a vicious hammerlock, and grinding Skip’s screaming face into the mat, all at the same time. Art, people. Art.

Hunkbash 18 – Jonny Firestorm vs. Calvin Haynes

Again, so many options to choose from. I’ll call out Jonny’s leg choke, over the ropes, with a pec claw chaser, but I’m nearly as much a fan of the fish hook camel clutch. And the ball bashing. And the… wait. We’d better move on if I’m getting through this voter’s guide.

Tag Team Torture 19 – Addams & Alexander vs. Evans and Taylor

Now consider the submission possibilities with 4 wrestlers in the ring, often simultaneously. This is my vote for Best Submission mostly based on how blown out of the water I was by this out-of-nowhere gravity defying torture hold from debuting newbie Chase Addams. Chase calls this hold the Will Breaker, and you should hear 6’2″ Christian crumble like shattered glass when the devastating newbie trusses him up as if he’s been doing this for decades. My second favorite submission from this match is Christian and his tag team partner Charlie teaming up to squeeze a submission out of Ty Alexander with simultaneous face-to-crotch headscissors and a Boston Crab. Tag team wrestling done so, so right in this match.

Sexiest Match

Talk about open to interpretation. Actually, I suspect most of us gauge this category based on how successfully a match got us off. So that means the criteria is extremely subjective, and guessing who may win seems incredibly difficult.

X-Fights 41 – Ty Alexander vs. Steven Ponce

Fuck, this match is sexy. Ty is nobody’s jobber in walking this pornboy through his pro wrestling paces. The match is explicitly and directly about sexual conquest from well before these two even make it to the ring. Surprisingly deep when it comes to the wrestling drama, this is an outstanding entry into the X-Fight lexicon.

Wet & Wild 8 – Christian Taylor vs. Calvin Haynes

Total newbie Calvin Haynes likes the look of Christian Taylor, so he initiates the hottest foreplay on the planet: wrestling. This is another erotic-forward match packed with the drama of two gorgeous, hot studs so obviously turned on by each other. The pool wrestling is brutal. The towel off is tender. And the bedroom wrestling finale is a magnificent combination of both.

Sexy Showdown 7 – Drake Marcos vs. Nino Leone

At the beginning of the match, I thought this “loser gets shaved” things was a little gimmicky. About halfway through, in the middle of gallons of sweat, I was stunned by the intensity and balls out seriousness of the wrestling. By the end, this has always been about hot, steamy, lush passion, with a little side serving of tender loving to give it that sweet finish. I think this is my second place choice for Sexiest Match this year, but buckle up, because this is not the last you’ll see of Drake in this category.

Ring Releases 4 – Drake Marcos vs. Kayden Keller

That’s right, sabotaging his own success as only Drake can, he’s competing against himself for Sexiest Match in Ring Releases 4. Incredibly compelling match with equal parts scream queens, Hitchcock, and Bel Ami. My only complaint is Drake’s gear, which mercifully gets ripped off him soon enough in the match.

Hands down, the sexiest match of the year for me was Matmen 26, between Drake and Skrapper. The match is so aggressive. It’s so intense and brutal and it careens like a runaway train into sweat soaked erotic passion so authentically. I don’t think we see nearly enough full naked wrestling in this homoerotic industry, so the portion of the match that keeps charging ahead well after they both lose their gear is so satisfying. Even though I’m a big fan of both of these boys, this match took me by surprise by how totally compelling it was, and the erotic tension from start to finish is superb.

Best Ring Match

Wrestler Spotlight Biff Farrell vs. Kelly King

This match is what happens when you put a big, bulging pro wannabe in a ring with a bigger, more bulging, sensationally seasoned pro. The story practically tells itself, though you have to watch it to get the bait and switch that Kelly sells so remarkably successfully. Biff suffers so sensationally that it brings a tear to my eye. This is my second favorite ring match of the year.

Last Man Standing 2 – Guido Genatto vs. Dolph Danner

Again, if you want an outstanding ring match, toss two extremely experienced indy pros into the BG East ring and insist they battle until one of them wins with a 10 count. Guido and Dolph classed up the place when it comes to quality ring wrestling and pro brutality. I love the grit and egos and battle of wills. Endurance sport with thoroughbreds like this is rare and gorgeous to watch.

0811_lg — Hunkbash 18 – Jonny Firestorm vs. Calvin Haynes

And then there’s that magic again that you get when you toss a beefcake wrestling wannabe in the ring with a seasoned pro heel. I always, always have a bias toward homoerotic wresting that’s more homoerotic, so this is my second favorite ring match on the ballot. Bigger than life. Beautiful as hell.

Tag Team Torture 19 – Addams & Alexander vs. Evans & Taylor

Again, my vote goes to the opening match of Tag Team Torture 19. From the opening sequence in which Charlie Evans introduces himself to BG East by perfectly executing a Ginger Snap, to the corner to corner melodrama between the teams, to the magnificent intramural contest between Team Vanity to get their opponents to name which of them hurts them worse, to Chase’s Will Breaker, to this Beauty and Beast double team combo (by the good guys, no less), this match is packed with classic pro tag team wrestling with just the right amount of homoerotic flair to make me recognize it as our own.

Wrestler Spotlight Chace LaChance vs. Jake Jenkins

And then there’s what comes from throwing two pretty boys who we’ve watched grow into this business tear into each other. I don’t think of either JJ or Chace as naturals in the ring, which makes the pace and power of this ring match such a pleasant surprise. Not nearly as homo or erotic as TTT19, still there’s a big BGE stamp on this match that comes from the way these two have developed under the guiding hand of the Boss.

Demolition 20 – Austin Cooper vs. Kirk Donahue

And now, for your consideration, the combo of an experienced indy pro jobbing for yet another pretty boy who we’ve watched grow into a magnificent BG East-style pro. I’d almost considered voting for this on the off chance that giving more praises to matches in which Kirk gets clobbered would inspire more of the same in the future. But you don’t have to carry my grudge against Howdy Doody to see a lot to like in this match, not least of which is hot muscle domination, buckets of sweat, and big vs.little boy bashing.

Best Squash

My least favorite category, so I’ll say the least about it. I do love a good squash on rare occasions. Not nearly as often as a lot of you, clearly, because the industry pumps out so many more squashes than I can consume. But sure, on occasion, a one-sided total mauling of one hunk by another hits some sweet notes to savor.

Demolition 21 – Flash LaCash vs. Kip Sorell

Kip squashed like a bug. Gorgeous. I still say that Flash LaCash is far prettier than he seems to get credit for. But it’s hard to focus on the pretty when he’s such a devastatingly effective muscle heel.

Demolition 21 – Kid Karisma vs. Mister E

You had me at “Kid Karisma.” If anyone can carry a squash narrative and keep me engaged, it’s Kid K. He is a fucking BEAST in this match. I’d say more, but it would mostly be about Kid K’s body. This would be my second choice for this category, if pressed to have one.

Masked Destroyers 1 – Trey Dixon vs. Thrash

My vote goes to Trey and Thrash for a few reasons. First, Trey Dixon is a god. Doomed, but a god. Thrash is outstandingly compelling. He’s another incredible debut that could easily have deserved a spot on the ballot there as well. And finally, Thrash destroys Trey in order to own him. A lack of motivation sinks most squashes for me, so when Thrash starts signaling where all this beauty bashing is heading, I’m hooked. Fuck, more Thrash. More Trey Dixon. Please.

Maybe this is my second choice. I don’t know. I will say this match turned me into a big Kelly King fan. Huge push to Biff’s consideration for Top Jobber.

Masked Destroyers 1 – Cybertron vs. Mister E

I have no idea what motivates Cybertron. He’s a magnificent specimen of a man, but honestly, he won this match against Mister E about 45 seconds in. But he doesn’t stop. Why is that? Why don’t I “get” squashes more than I do?

Okay, maybe this is my second place. Whatever. I will say that it’s a little shocking that these two sensational physiques got completely shut out of the body part categories. Though I did put Viggo up for my personal “Best Legs” contest. In any case, massive, mega squash, pretty on pretty.

Don’t forget to vote!

And the Nominees Are…

January 10, 2017 wrestlebard8 Comments

You just have a few days left to cast your ballot for the best of BG East in 2016. Get on it! Still deciding? Let’s look at a couple more categories in this completely unofficial and totally biased voter’s guide.

Jobber of the Year

While I think we tend to reach a quick consensus about what a heel is, I think there’s a mushy definition of a jobber. Of course, the Besties don’t come with a definition of the categories, so you’re free to vote based on whatever inclination you have about what constitutes a jobber. I think of a jobber as a wrestler who is quite likely to lose his matches, even when the objective measures of likely success (experience, strength, skill) probably swing his direction. I think of a particularly accomplished jobber as one that not only loses, but sells it, suffering openly, accentuating the devastating moves of his opponent, conveying the melodrama of the ring by openly telegraphing every soul crushing, ego busting, dignity stealing moment in a way that elevates the story from fleeting fantasy to knock on the door of brutal reality. I think of skilled jobbers as those who make me wince a little when they scream out, whimper, or choke on the pain. A dominating opponent (whether heel or not) dishes up the dominating moves and holds. A skilled jobber serves it to us in its most delicious presentation possible. Like I said, though, you can cast your vote based on whatever definition or standards you look for in a Top Jobber. In any case, here are your choices.

Ty Alexander is back in contention to defend the title of Top Jobber that he won last year. In 2016, he wrestled in X-Fights 41, X-Fights 40, 3-Way Thrash 4, Tag Team Torture 19, and Demolition 19. While he wasn’t a jobber in all of those (particularly X-Fights 41), Ty once again got his ass crushed persistently, and his already outstanding skills at selling his own degradation have only improved with time. He regularly shows flashes of brilliance and dangerousness, which makes him a particularly compelling jobber for me. He doesn’t just get squashed. He gets conquered, beaten down into place, and he withers and writhes and sucks on his own humiliation beautifully. He was my pick for Top Jobber last year, and I have to say he’s head and shoulders above the rest of the field again this year, as far as I’m concerned.

Biff Farrell enters the race as the only full-on muscle jobber. Biff wrestled in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4, Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches in 2016. Like Ty, Biff is always dangerous. He isn’t a jobber because he’s instantly vulnerable and helpless. He sells a match because opponents have to work at it. They have to penetrate his impressive defenses. Biff makes them hurt along the way, but surely, inevitably it seems, his defenses do get penetrated. And then all those massive muscles start quivering and quaking and amounting to jack shit as his opponents beat the living fuck out of him like Stretch Armstrong. Personally, I’d love to see Biff turn the corner and shed the jobber mantle, because I think BG East could use some more full-on babyface heroes who can hold their own and keep the villains from taking it all for granted. But Biff has proven to be a huge talent in jobbing, and he has a ton of fans, so I suspect his unique set of assets could give Ty a run for his money this year.

Drake Marcos keeps getting nominated, but I would argue he’s quickly growing out of his jobber ways. In 2016, Drake wrestled in Undagear 25, 3-Way Thrash 4, Sexy Showdown 7, Matmen 26, and Ring Releases 4. I admit that I have often (and recently) teased Drake about being a jobber, but just between you and me, that’s mostly just because it gets a rise out of him. If we’re being honest, I think his 3-Way Thrash 4 match was the only one that I’d consider him a jobber in. In the rest, he’s too dangerous. He’s too competitive. While he continues to sell suffering in a league all his own, and despite the ongoing scarcity of checks in his victory column, he’s just too competitive anymore for me to entirely buy the inevitability of his defeat. Check out Sexy Showdown 7 and you’ll see what I mean. I’m hoping we see the Cheshire Cat really come into his own in 2017, not just making opponents look good, but shocking and awing his way into the respect he deserves, but has not been getting, including from me (well, mostly from me).

It’s hard to argue with the fact that Mr. E is a jobber through and through. In 2016, he wrestled in Masked Destroyers 1 and Demolition 21. When it comes to getting completely crushed, Mr. E is your man. He takes the high impact moves like nobody else. If there were levels to defeat, his would be the defeated-est of them all. The two knocks against him for the title this year, I think, are that he’s nearly in the realm of a doormat, and I don’t sense he has a huge following. I tend to think of Mr. E matches more like watching his opponents hitting the weights at the gym. They work out, flex, show off their muscles, and Mr. E is mostly just the relatively passive gym equipment. I’d love to see this kid rip off that mask and show us a few moves he’s picked up over the years of getting trounced. In the mean time, he’s a total jobber, just, possibly, too much so.

Kirk Donahue seems like a legitimate threat to unseat Ty as Top Jobber this year. Kirk wrestled in Babyface Brawl 4, Demolition 20, and Gazebo Grappler 18. Personally, I love watching him get his fair-to-middling quality ass beat over and over and over again, so his staking out territory in jobberville suits me just fine. He’s nearly too competitive, too accomplished to quite fit the jobber crown. He has more than a few flashes of brilliance when it comes to offense. But he also carries an undeniable vulnerability with him. He’s on the skinny side. His smirky cuteness is like a giant “hit me” sign stapled to his forehead. And that big, impressive bulge I’m voting for conveys a sense of inherent jeopardy to him. And when conquered, as he is consistently, his suffering is magnificent. My favorite move is when he’s dazed, totally fucked up, not knowing up from down, and he starts crawling for the door to get the fuck out of there. So when his opponent drags him by his hair back for more gratuitous violence, his screaming horror is simply gorgeous. I know he has indy pro fans, but I don’t know if there’s a big crossover of those guys and BG East fans. He’s a worthy candidate, but I have to think he’s a long shot.

Kip Sorell got steamrolled in 2016. He wrestled in Demolition 20, Demolition 21, and Bearhug Beatings 2. When it comes to the air of inevitability about his undoing, he’s got it in spades. The first time I see him not get squashed like a bug on a windshield, I will be deeply surprised. His salesmanship is decent, but not outstanding, particularly in this very accomplished field of candidates. He is ridiculously pretty, though, now isn’t he? And in Bestie voting, pretty seems to carry a whole lot of weight. Don’t get me wrong. I’d like to dip him in chocolate sauce and lick him clean. But I just don’t see him as making the most compelling case as Top Jobber this year.

Debut of the Year

Now things get really, really interesting. Yesterday I said that I thought the Top Heel category was the most competitive, perhaps the Best Body category coming in a close second. Debut of the Year is making a seriously hard run at the most competitive race, I have to think, because there were some sensational, highly memorable debuts this year for several young hunks who instantly grabbed fans by the balls. I love this race because it highlights the range of new talent BG East continues to recruit, from twinks to bears to boys to daddies, you could simply find your favorite kink and vote for that. If you take the category more seriously, though, you have to admit that there were several outstanding debuts leaving fans seriously hungry to see what these hunks accomplish in their sophomore year.

Chase Addams gets my vote for the debut of the year. He debuted in Tag Team Torture 19, and accomplished what very well may be a first in the business by immediately following up his debut match with a second match on the same DVD. I think featuring the same debut wrestler twice on one DVD is rare because newbies are so often a little weak in story telling. Newbies can be a little flat, a little light on personality, so putting them in back to back matches could easily draw attention to their.. .newbie-ness. Chase didn’t just hold his own in both his tag team debut and singles debut on the same release. He nailed it. We’ve got back story (“discovered” by Ty, brought into the business as the next generation of pro wrestling narcissists), and we’ve got character development (egos burn Team Vanity to the ground, and Chase wears his former mentor out in a barnburner grudge match). And that doesn’t even start to appreciate that Chase showed up, day one, with crazy ass torturous pro holds and a jaw dropping (literally) finisher. And, sure, I’m biased because Chase gave me his first interview and charmed the pants off me (again, literally). He’s young, lean, and hungry, and I think that the competition at BG East had better watch their backs when Chase enters the room.

Calvin Haynes caught a lot of attention in his debut this year in Wet & Wild 8, following it up a couple of catalogs later with getting absolutely dissected in Hunkbash 18. With that jawline and those muscles, Calvin could be a major threat in the babyface category for years to come. His debut against Christian Taylor was particularly charming for the erotic text. As a fresh, hot newbie, Calvin was unblinkingly explicit about his sexual interest in Christian. He wanted a piece of that dazzlingly pretty babyface, and he brought all of that hot and hairy muscle to the pool to earn it. My impression is that Calvin caught a lot of fans’ eyes, in no small part thanks to his muscled ass and big, bulging bulge (particularly when things turn intimately hot against Christian). There are simply not enough hot, hairy, musclebound pin-up boys in this business, and Calvin is a breath of fresh air. I’m guessing this may turn into a three-way race between Calvin, Chase, and …

Beauxregard nearly burned the ring up in his debut in 2016. He bookended the year with an initial debut in X-Fights 40 and then following up in the final catalog of the year with Dark Knights 13. I know that fans love him already. He’s massively muscled and hard as granite. He has a rock hard jaw and a deep, 6-packs a day rumbling bass. Just the look on Ty Alexander’s face when big Beaux stepped into the BG East ring for the first time said it all. This guy is instantly a phenomenon. He’s conveyed a lot less backstory than Chase. He isn’t as pretty as Calvin. But he’s a big, terrorizing muscle daddy from day one, which I know makes him a hot commodity among a major segment of fans. I would guess that either he, Calvin, or Chase will take the title.

Babyboy Leone showed up out of nowhere at the very end of 2016 and put up an incredibly hot debut in Sexy Showdown 7. He’s super lean and super gorgeous, and fur fans are wetting themselves over his Wolverine-esque coat. What particularly impressed me was just how game he was to work his ass off to stay competitive with a bigger, badder, much more experienced opponent. I get the impression that Bambino has just one speed, full throttle, and he didn’t waste a second of his debut figuring out whether this underground pro stuff is “real.” He just dug in deep and made himself at home on the mat, and all over every inch of Drake Marcos’ body. We already know he’s sly. Count him out and turn your back, and you’ll get your chest shaved (right Drake?). He’s not the only super lightweight newbie in this race, though, so between vote splitting and his hot off the presses debut, I’m guessing he’s a very long shot for taking this title. Fortunately for him, I’m sure One Direction would always take him back if this wrestling thing does pan out.

I first started interacting with Charlie Evans over a year ago, so he seems like an upperclassman in a field of plebes. However, it’s true that he debuted for BG East in Tag Team Torture 19 and then followed up in The Great Outdoors 2. Like Chase, Charlie did me the honor of granting me a newbie interview, and he had me rolling on the floor laughing. Also like Chase, Charlie is a devoted fan of pro wrestling as an institution. He knows the assets and liabilities he brings into a match, and he has a clear plan for using them both to his advantage. His earnestness and forthrightness have quickly earned him a fan following, and I suspect they very well could earn him a nod for Best Babyface in coming years. He takes a beating like no one else in this race, which could foreshadow some time in jobber purgatory in the near future, but honestly, I think Charlie’s fullest potential would be to take his super sexy, super lightweight body and slay some giants. He’s smooth and ginger to Nino’s hirsute and Mediterranean, so perhaps there may not be vote splitting there, after all. He has a solid social media presence already, which definitely could play into his favor. I still think he’s a long shot to pull ahead of Chase, Calvin and Beaux, but what do I know?

Okay, this will be the last time I say how delighted I am not be the only one captivated by gorgeous newbie Payton Meadows. His debut came in Undagear 25 early in the year, and his follow up occurred late in the year in Undagear 26. I know there’s a huge (you might say, swelling) base of fans for the drop dead gorgeous underwear model variety of wrestler like Payton. If you switch from still frame to video evidence, you’ll discover he is even sexier in motion. And as long as you have the volume on, you’ll also discover that he is a hilarious smart ass. There’s something extra sexy about even classic underground wrestling tropes delivered with a sultry, French Canadian accent, and happily, this clever hottie doesn’t just stick with the classics. If you’re committed to vote for the muscley pin-up boy type, but don’t like them hairy, then toss Calvin aside and saddle up with Team Payton. Even though pretty is so often king, I think Payton is a long shot for this title because his actual debut didn’t generate nearly as much buzz as his follow up, and I just don’t think the underwear model fans have quite fully discovered the magic that is Payton. Nonetheless, I’m praying to the homoerotic wrestling gods that 2017 is an even bigger year for him, and we get to see that phenomenal body, magnificent ass, and razor sharp wit in action much, much more.

So that’s my take on these categories. Don’t hate me if you disagree. Just make a compelling case for your picks in the comments below.

And the Nominees Are…

January 9, 2017 wrestlebard1 Comment

So many choices. So little time. You have until Thursday at midnight to cast your ballot for the BGE Besties, so let’s get on with this voter’s guide for anyone sitting on the fence. Now let’s take a look at the categories that I think of as the most hotly contested out of the whole ballot.

Top Heel

Last year’s Top Heel winner, Guido Genatto, is back to defend his title. I suspect there may be relatively little variability in our subjective interpretations of what is a heel. Vicious. Underhanded. Sadistic. Dominating and devastating. When done right, heels make the pro wrestling world go round in a well-understood way. You have 6 fine options of wrestling hunks who definitely did it right in 2016.

Perennial threat for the Top Heel title, Jonny Firestorm heeled it up in 2016 in 3-Way Thrash 4, 3-Way Thrash 3, Ring Wars 25, and Hunkbash 18. Jonny is always dangerous. Always devastatingly skilled. And he’s always deeply delighted to make an opponent, the bigger the better, scream like a bitch. He has an army of well-established fans infatuated with his particular skill set, almost certainly including his best bulge contender. He’s an institution, and I think he has to be the heel with the best chance to dethrone Guido this year.

It should come as little surprise that my vote goes to my longstanding favorite homoerotic wrestler, Kid Karisma. In 2016, Kid K appeared in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18. He has a strong, well-established base of voting fans (not just me), and he brings a novel, character-based party boy twist to the classic story of a bulldozing muscle heel. Personally, any heel who takes such pleasure in crushing his opponents, and who does it with such panache, and who delights in locking down a post-victory kiss as a trophy is a heel I can’t help but adore.

Paul Hudson seems like the dark horse in this race for Top Heel. Paul wrestled in Chace LaChance’s spotlight and in Gazebo Grapplers 18. He’s devastating and merciless like a good heel, no doubt. He’s neither exceedingly pretty nor a muscle beast, so I worry that some superficial thresholds for fanaticism may not lean in Paul’s favor for a popular vote like this. My gut reaction is that I don’t think of him as particularly sadistic. I don’t know if he takes as much joy in ripping an opponent apart as the other contenders, and he’s such a phenomenal wrestler, I don’t know if we see him resort to underhanded shenanigans as much, because frankly, he just doesn’t need to. But he definitely brings range and richness to this field that I love.

Flash LaCash enters the race with immense heel cred to his name. In 2016, he wrestled in Ring Wars 25 and Demolition 21. He digs his claws into an opponent with a consistent bemused detachment. Flash always starts off assuming that, once having seen his imposing, hot, handsome, muscled body, opponents will, when given the option, simply concede and save themselves a mountain of suffering. They never do, but Flash seems persistently surprised by their determination to get mauled. His initial detachment tends to bubble over into open, sadistic delight once he starts carving. He likes the taste of terror dripping off the bone. I know he has serious fan backing, but with only a couple of appearances last year, I don’t know if he’ll have momentum heading into the voting.

Back to defend his title, Guido Genatto makes a hard case to dispute. He didn’t exactly coast on last year’s success, showing up in 2016 in Biff Farrell’s Wrestler Spotlight, 3-Way Thrash 4, Last Man Standing 2, and Demolition 19. When it comes to heeling, I don’t know if Guido actually enjoys making another man hurt, as much as he enjoys being Guido. He fucking loves being Guido. And being Guido means bulldozing one chump after another, regularly doing housekeeping around his “Heel Hut,” and taking out the trash. There’s not a ton of nuance when it comes to Guido, I don’t think. There is no other mode than beast mode. He’s a force of nature. And he has a ton of crossover indy pro fans who worship the ground he takes a piss on. I have to think he’s odds on favorite for taking the title again this year.

Damn, Beaux made a huge impression on the nominating committee in his debut year. He muscles his way into contention for Top Heel on the merit of just two appearances in 2016, his debut in X-Fight 40 and his follow up in Dark Knights 13. Debuting as a top tier heel is an incredible feat. Beaux’s got the whole package to be nothing short of a wrecking ball as a chiseled, sub-bass bad ass with a porn star cock and a relish for molding opponents into worshippers. The flaming tats licking his calves capture this moment in time best: Beaux is on fire, and if he were to jump in line ahead of these other 5 contenders, I’d call this the biggest upset of the decade.

Best Butt

I prefer to think of this as “Most Awesome Ass.” I don’t remember how many times Kid Karisma has successfully defended his title, but fortunately for me, he’s back again to flex those glorious glutes side-by-side with 5 other studs who think they’ve got what it takes to unseat his legendary backside. One more major shocker on the ballot this year is the absence of Trophy Boy Ty Alexander. No one, and I mean no one is prouder of his pretty ass than Ty, and I’m certain that the Trophy Boy is smarting from the snub from the academy. But we’ve got a job to do, and it’s looking at these 6 asses that were nominated. I suppose the only question is how do you like your ass served? Bubble butts? Taut and athletic? Striated, carved muscle? Thick and luxurious? Whatever your taste, tuck in and take a look at this year’s contenders.

I can’t remember if Jake Jenkins has been a contender for the title of Best Butt before, but he’s certainly classing up the place with that thoroughbred derriere this time around. Jake wrestled in Chace LaChance’s spotlight, Undagear 25, and Catch-Weight 7. His cheeks are crafted by function. His ass isn’t extravagant, certainly not the most muscular or the roundest in the bunch. But it’s perfectly suited to his athleticism and flexibility. I know that JJ has an immense fan following, and I know that there are plenty of fans who prefer their wrestlers’ butts lean and taut. If there’s a split vote between some of the Tom of Finland physiques in this race, JJ could very well pull out the upset.

Speaking of a Tom of Finland physique, we finally arrive at the category that I think Van Skyler makes his most compelling case for. Again, Van only showed off his moneymaker in Undeagear 26 at the end of 2016. His cheeks are sensationally round and lush and squeezable (just ask Payton Meadows). This is prime go-go boy butt, built off what I assume are equal parts wrestling, dancing, and genetics. I think his fan following is quickly growing, but I don’t know if it’s big enough to let him overtake the likes of Kid K. But even a Kid K fanatic like me has to acknowledge that on pure aesthetics, on fantasy man fuckability and sheer beauty, Van’s ass is a serious challenge to Kid K’s dominance.

Fuuuuuuck. Sorry, I just get lightheaded looking at Kid Karisma’s multi-award winning muscle glutes. He put that fine ass to work in 2016 wrestling in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18. I know the Ginger Warrior gets a little tired of us neglecting to worship every other inch of his magnificent physique, but once he strips down to a jock strap and looks the other way, time stops for just a fraction of a second. I’m ready to vote for Kid K for ass of the decade, possibly even ass of the century. Although, all that said, I was blown away by a particular rookie ass in 2016 that made me, for just an instant, forget my absolute loyalty to Kid K’s glutes. Not enough to take my vote, but enough for me to take note to see what could happen in 2017.

Kelly King’s beefy butt also shows up in the polls for the fans of big, juicy, working class glutes. He only wrestled in Biff Farrell’s spotlight in 2016, which might leave him a little lacking in momentum for a poll like this. Honestly, I think this nod to Kelly’s hot ass takes even the BG East back office boys by surprise, because I had a hard, hard time finding a posed shot showing off Kelly’s generous ass. I don’t think he’s been packaged and sold for what a magnificent butt he possesses, but fans and the nominating crew have, nevertheless, noticed. He has indy pro fans, of course, and heel fans at BG East love him, but between just one appearance and a lack of marketing attention paid to his (no less fuckable) ass, I think he’s a long shot for the title this year.

On the one hand, I’m surprised to see newbie Payton Meadows in the final heat of this race ahead of other famous ass-fan objects of lust like Ty and Cameron. Payton debuted this year in Undagear 25 and made my heart stop in Undagear 26. His ass just isn’t as round or muscular as Kid K or Van’s, but holy hell, on the other hand, Payton’s ass is as pretty as they come. Still photos just don’t capture what a fantastic, fantasyman ass this rookie possesses. As I’ve said before, I don’t think a lot of us have discovered his charms yet, and unless you put eyes to the Undagear 26 video evidence, you may not appreciate just what hypnotizing, compelling, fuckable ass he brings to the game. I’ll be shocked if he pulls it out this year, but I predict that if I see those French Canadian glutes looking that perky and pretty in action again, 2017 very well could be the year I stray from my knee jerk loyalty to Kid K.

I’m tickled to see Biff Farrell’s ass in the mix this year. Biff worked that ass hard in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4, Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches. I think this side of him makes a more compelling case than his fight for Best Bulge this year. His ass is a happy compromise between Jake’s and Kelly’s. Round, strong, generous without jiggle, it suits Biff’s beefcake brawler body perfectly. I’d love to see opponent’s appreciate Biff’s assets more. He’s fucking stunning from head to toe, but opponent’s seem to inevitably dive right in to hatin’ and bashin’ on him. Slow down. On behalf of us all, marvel at the wonder that is this big, blond, blue-eyed, bulging beefcake. Take some extra time caressing that beautiful ass. If Biff’s ass was more of the story in his matches, I think I’d give him better odds for Best Butt. But as it is, Biff has a ton of fans who would give a kidney to get their hands on his ass, so he’s hardly a longshot.

Don’t forget to vote. As we all know, having the objective qualifications that make a candidate obviously superior and vastly more qualified don’t amount to victory if people don’t vote. Feel free to make your case for your favorites in the comments below.

And the Nominees Are…

January 7, 2017 wrestlebardLeave a comment

Continuing down your BG East Best of 2016 ballot, let’s give a long, hard look at the candidates for the next two categories.

Best Body

This is such a brutal category. We could kvetch for days about the ambiguity of those two simple words: best and body. I’ve heard from a few corners a call for more diverse types of bodies for voting, which I get, and I agree with. If I’ve learned nothing else from blogging about homoerotic wrestling for nearly 8 years, I’ve learned that there is a huge range to what turns us on, collectively speaking. Well, this year the nominating committee landed on what I think is a nice range, and in yet another shocker (to me at least), Chace LaChance was not nominated, and thus won’t be eligible to defend his title. Still, this is a very competitive race in which you are sure to find someone who blows your… mind.

Muscling his way into yet another best of category in 2016 is on-fire newbie Beauxregard. Beauxregard debuted in X-Fight 40 and also appeared in Dark Knights 13. He’s a mountain of muscle. I’m infatuated with his lower leg tats. I’m in awe of his monster cock. He’s a magnificent specimen built for the sole purpose of destroying other men and fucking them into oblivion. As I said when discussing his chances at winning Best Abs, I don’t know if he has the fan following yet to power him ahead of some of the other nominees. And if the plurality still swings for fitness model pretty, Beaux’s in trouble. But this is a year for upsets, now, isn’t it?

The nominating committee most definitely likes the looks of Van Sklyer, considering he’s been nominated for every “body” category, including Best Body. Again, Van only appeared in Undagear 26, just barely squeezing that match in before 2016 was up. But no doubt, he makes a big, big impression with that gorgeous body of his. He’s got total pin-up boy potential, and there isn’t an angle of him that isn’t stunningly pretty. And, of course, the face is part of the body, so those bedroom eyes and lush, thick, suckable lips have to be factored into the equation. And his ass, and his bulge, but I’ll discuss those later.

Fans who’ve been waiting for a serious muscle monster to vote for Best Body, wait no longer, because Big Barry Burke has squeezed those gargantuan shoulders into this tight, tight field. Barry only showed up in 2016 to Demolish Kip Sorell, but like Van, that one appearance compelled the nominating committee to put him up for Best Body. The sheer size of this beast is argument enough, but I suspect his mass may distract from the fact that he’s got magnificent aesthetics. That huge, that ripped, that proportional from top to bottom. Fantastic mountain of a muscleman. When he isn’t ripping opponents apart limb by limb, he’s actually crazy handsome, as well. He could totally take this, I think, unless the pretty caucus gets behind one candidate.

Which brings us to my perennial choice for Best Body, my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler, Kid Karisma. Kid K wrestled in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18 in 2016. I could not be more infatuated with a body than I am with his. As I mentioned yesterday, Kid K also stands out for the incredible consistency he shows up with, match after match, ripped, bulging, not a hair out of place. If this is a year for pretty and fitness model factions to swing the vote, it’s got to be Kid Karisma. Gingers rule!

Of course if it’s painfully pretty you’re after, feel free to check Kip Sorell for Best Body. Kip got demolished in Demolition 20, Demolition 21, and Bearhug Beatings 2 last year. He’s got Superman’s upper body, of course, but I think his weakness is below the waist. Fans eat him up with a spoon, though, and what accounts for “best” may be everything that Kip has in abundance.

And again, I’m delightedly stunned to see the committee include Payton Meadows in the mix for Best Body. Payton showed upon the scene in 2016 and wrestled in Undagear 25 and Undagear 26. As I mentioned yesterday, I think he’s established even less traction than fellow newbie nominee Beaux, which makes him a long shot. But just read my rationale for selecting him for my most recent homoerotic wrestler of the month, and you’ll see why I say that if Kid Karisma weren’t in the mix, I’d be spending my precious vote on the French Canadian’s sensational body. Ripped. Dazzlingly gorgeous. Better complexion than Van. Prettier than Kip. If Payton sticks around in 2017, I think he could generate a massive following… particularly in that jock strap.

Best Bulge

The Best Bulge category could similarly be parsed out between various measures of “good.” However, the history of voting in this category has strongly suggested that what fans think of as Best is all about size. Pete Sharp didn’t show his gargantuan pouch at all in 2016, sadly, and it’s been ages since we’ve had the opportunity to marvel at Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!). So feast your eyes on the selection of meat vying for the title in 2016.

Yep. Again. Van Skyler made a clean sweep of the physical attribute categories, including taking the pole position (pun intended) for Best Bulge. Let’s be honest here, the part of Van’s body seared into our memories and imaginations isn’t his crotch. However, his bulge is perfectly suited to everything else about him. Proportionate and pretty, he’s swinging pipe, no doubt. He may not have the largest frank and beans in contention, but what he’s got is undeniably tasty.

Everything about Guido Genatto is huge, so it could be easy to overlook that his bulge is, as well. Guido wrestled in Biff Farrell’s Wrestler Spotlight, 3-Way Thrash 4, Last Man Standing 2, and Demolition 19. I find it difficult to zoom in on just one aspect of the “Dirty Daddy.” He’s a total package of badassness, muscle belly, edgy/over-the-edge trash talk, and total domination. I’m sure plenty of fans have keyed off on his daddy bulge, though, and he seems to be one of those characters who can do no wrong in his fans eyes. So perhaps this is his year to take home Best Bulge.

Jonny Firestorm’s bulge is legendary. I think I once read an interview with Kid Leopard in which he named Jonny as possessing one of the biggest cocks in the business. In 2016, Jonny wrestled in 3-Way Thrash 4, 3-Way Thrash 3, Ring Wars 25, and Hunkbash 18. I think Jonny could be the dark horse in this field, primarily based on the rabid fan following his has systematically built over the years.

Ethan Andrews has a HUGE claim to make for the title of Best Bulge. Ethan only wrestled in Undagear 25 in 2016, which could make him relatively forgettable in the minds of voters, if it weren’t for the fact that he has a massive underground wrestling following that stretches across at least 3 or 4 different production companies. Oh, and that behemoth in his pouch. That’s just fucking hard to forget. He’s lean, which may help his gargantuan bulge seem that much more massively huge, but any way you stack it up against the competition (which sounds like fun), Ethan’s bulge has got to be one of, if not the, biggest of the bunch.

Biff Farrell is another surprise contender for the title of Best Bulge, in my estimation. was busy in 2016 wrestling in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4, Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches. Honestly, when reading the ballot, I thought to myself, “Does Biff have a particularly impressive bulge?” In researching this voter’s guide, I discovered, yes, yes he does. I think this is another case of big, big muscles distracting from a very hefty pouch. His trunks don’t always accentuate this aspect of his assets, but knowing the army of Biff’s fans ready to rally to his cry, he could very well be a strong contender for Best Bulge.

My vote for Best Bulge is going to go to Kirk Donahue, and not solely so that I can tauntingly report that he’s a huge dick. He swung that pipe in Babyface Brawl 4, Demolition 20, and Gazebo Grappler 18 in 2016. And that bulge was eye catching, even for someone like me fixated on watching his ass getting beat. There I am, over and over, reveling in his smart ass, sugary sweet smirk getting rubbed off, preferably with his opponent’s ass, and I keep getting distracted by that gargantuan bulge! Honestly, my enjoyment of watching him take a beating aside, for a babyface indy pro, Kirk’s got a seriously magnificent bulge that only one audience could appreciate to it’s fullest: you and me.

And if you think the biggest surprises are behind us, just wait!

And the Nominees Are…

January 6, 2017 wrestlebardLeave a comment

I love how the energy picks up when the ballots are made available for BG East’s annual year-end “Best Of” awards. They dropped yesterday, and there’s already a flurry of activity, back room dealing, out and out lobbying, and possible bribery on the table. There’s something so quintessentially pro wrestling about the depths these awards drag us into. The link to the ballot is available in the banner of the BG East homepage, however, it looks like at least some mobile device browsers may not be able to view it, so you can go there directly from this link. You’ve got until midnight of next Thursday, January 12, to register your opinions.

It’s a very robust field of nominees this year. Six candidates for almost every category, and the field is packed with a nice range. Last year I ran out of time to handicap the entire ballot, so I’m going to try to move more quickly this time to take a look at the range of bests at BG East in the service of informing voters not so familiar with all of the candidates. Even at first glance, I’m seeing some major surprises in who is, and who is not, on the ballot, so fasten your seat belts and let’s start this voter’s guide to the BG East Besties. For today, let’s take a look the first two categories.

Top Babyface

The first category you’ll find on the ballot this year is for babyface. Jake Jenkins has OWNED this category for the past 4 years running. I think Jake’s possession of this title may be the longest streak in the history of the Besties. But he’s up against stiff, stiff competition this year, and I’m not just talking about Christian Taylor’s lovely erection in Wet & Wild 8. Let’s take a look at the field.

Jake wrestled in 3 matches released by BG East in 2016: Undagear 25, Chace LaChance’s Wrestler Spotlight, and Catch-weight 7. I’ve been a huge JJ fan from the very beginning. He’s dominant on the mats, dangerous in the ring, and totally convinced (often rightfully so) that his strength, speed, and skill will be more than a match for any and every opponent. He’s got to be the odds on favorite to win again, and I’m teetering on spending my vote on either JJ or one other particular candidate vying to unseat him this year.

My hunch is that Jake’s biggest competition, both literally and figuratively, is likely big, bulging, blue-eyed beefcake Biff Farrell. Biff starred in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4, Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches. The most productive candidate, Biff also commands an army of nearly rabid fans who savor every bulge and bounce, every muscle and move that Biff possesses. So many wrestlers have worn the stars and stripes, but Biff has nearly made them his signature gear, which makes a strong case for his upstanding, patriotic, Protestant work ethic credentials as a babyface. While I’ve always bought stock in big Biff, this year he isn’t on my short list for this category, but I know for a fact he’s on a whole lot of fans’ lists.

Christian Taylor is the babyface beauty who is tempting me to abandon my loyalties to Jake this year. Christian wrestled in Mat Hunks 10, Tag Team Torture 19, Undagear 26, and Wet & Wild 8. I agree with a recent comment I noticed online that called Christian out for possibly being the prettiest penny in BG East’s pocket… ever. He’s earnest without being uptight. His coverboy good looks disguise his seriously dangerous potential in the ring, on the mats, and in the pool. And if there’s anything that just might tip my vote Christian’s way this year, it very well may be the good natured, entirely enthusiastic way he seals off 90% of his matches, win or lose, with a kiss.

Living anatomy chart Kip Sorell is always in the thick of things when it comes to fan favorite babyfaces. Kip got demolished in Demolition 20, Demolition 21, and Bearhug Beatings 2. I do think he may have the babiest of baby faces in contention this year. There’s something sort of intoxicating about possessing the face of an 18 year old (at most) and the body of a 25 year old go-go boy. He’s been cannon fodder pretty much from start to finish in his career, this year in particular. I think of him more as a practice dummy than an earnest young babyface hero, but I know full well that there’s plenty of support to push him into contention as top babyface in 2016.

Trey Dixon was one of my hottest stock picks of 2015. He was nearly MIA in 2016, however, wrestling only in Masked Destroyers 1. The living model of the Oscars statue is sex on two legs, as far as I’m concerned, and if the category was which wrestler I’d like to give an all over tongue bath to, Trey would most likely win walking away. But he was devastatingly thrashed in his one and only match of 2016, and it’s hard to see him pulling this one out against so many much more productive, hard working, nose to the grindstone babyfaces. I’m sending up a prayer to the homoerotic wrestling gods that we get to see much, much more of Trey in 2017.

Kirk Donahue is back, this time making a case for being Top Babyface in the company. Kirk wrestled in Babyface Brawl 4, Demolition 20, and Gazebo Grappler 18. I’ve made no bones about my antipathy toward Kirk. It was his shocking, nay, scandalous entry into these very Bestie nominations just two years ago that started me wanting to see this smirking Howdy Doody get his ass beat again and again. Truthfully, he probably does fall into the babyface category nicely, and he’s a phenomenal wrestler with an awesome capacity for soaking up punishment. I honestly don’t know the depth of his fan following, probably because I start bitching loudly about those shenanigans two years ago, shouting down any other opinions, anytime anyone brings him up in conversation. He’s hot shit, no doubt, but I think he’s a long shot for the title of Top Babyface, and that’s not just my longstanding grudge talking.

Best Abs

The Best Abs award has been changing hands in the last few years. Last year, it was Kip Sorell sending shock waves through the industry by ripping the title away from juggernaut and general of an army of fans, Z-Man. Well prepare for another shocker, because NO ONE who has every won this title in the past even broke into the top 6 contenders this year. Kip, Z-Man, Eli, sit the fuck down. There’s going to be a new sheriff in town before this is all over.

I am shocked shitless that newbie Beauxregard made it onto this extremely competitive ballot! Beauxregard debuted in X-Fight 40 and also appeared in Dark Knights 13. There was a collective gasp heard round the internet when this muscle freak started flexing his insanely built body in the BG East ring. Spines started tingling when that gravelly base voice started making opponents’ knees quiver. And I know I’m not the only one who got lightheaded at the first look of his monster cock. Based on past performance, my sense is that voters tend toward ripped and pretty when they vote for this category. Beaux’s abs are unquestionably granite hard, and he’s taken several dozen punches to the gut in just two matches, amounting to fuck all for his opponents, other than bruised knuckles. Still, I think the newbie is a long shot for this title, this year, based on a relative nascent fan base.

Regular readers know how I feel about Lon Dumont, namely, profoundly aroused and perpetually at the ready with a bottle of baby oil to worship him. Lon only wrestled in Demolition 19 in 2016, but his conditioning in that match was spectacular. Every year, I lobby hard for this pro wrestler turned competitive bodybuilder turned pro wrestler turned competitive bodybuilder to get the praise his magnificent physique and outstanding wrestling deserves. My vote is definitely leaning Lon’s way once again, and with past winners shut out of nominations, maybe this is Lon’s year to take the title.

If this is the year that pretty wins the day, then it very well could be Van Skyler dazzling his way into the title. Van’s one and only appearance in 2016 was in Undagear 26. I don’t think of Van’s abs when I think of which parts of his show-stopping physique I most desperately need to worship, but no one can argue that his incredibly lean, taut, tight abs are perfectly suited to his lean, taught, tight everything else. My sense is that Van is quickly growing a very strong fan caucus that would vote for him for absolutely anything, so he very well might pull out an upset aided by those lush, pouty lips and that jaw dropping ass. I named him first runner up for possessing the best back of 2016, but there’s no Bestie for that.

Kid Karisma’s abs, like the rest of his physique, are persistently and perpetually impeccable. Kid K wrestled in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18, and his level of fitness is both phenomenal and a constant. There’s a reason I’ve kept my title of favorite homoerotic wrestler dialed into Kid K for so long now. Well, there are several, but one of them is his spectacular body. I’m jumping the gun when I say that he continues to be my hands down, no other possible choice for Best Body, head to toe. He also may, possibly, sway my wavering hand to vote his way instead of Lon’s, but it’s incredibly close.

I’m guessing that the odds on favorite to take the title this year is likely last year’s Best Body winner, Chace LaChance. Chace wrestled in Gazebo Grapplers 18, Catch Weight 7, and in 3 matches for his Wrestler Spotlight feature. Chace has a ton of quickdraw fans who enjoy studying his incredibly sexy body probably even a tad more than they like watching his wrestling. My only ding against Chace is that there are 3 different versions of his abs that showed up in 2016 products. I’m certain that it’s more an artifact of the way that BG East releases matches out of chronological order, so I’m sure it’s entirely unfair of me to knock Chace for it, but unlike, for example, Kid K, Chace’s conditioning and the particular presentation of his abs vary from match to match (even within his Wrestler Spotlight matches). His abs are never unsexy. I’d like to saddle up to that torso and pound one out on his go-go boy body, his bruiserweight belly, and his fitness model six-pack. Maybe there’s something foreshadowing about the fact that he ended the year by beating the living fuck out of the inaugural title holder. I won’t be surprised at all if Chace wins, regardless of where my vote goes.

The last shocker in this category is my latest crush, newbie sex bomb Payton Meadows. Like Beauxregard, Payton debuted in 2016, wrestling first in Undagear 25 and then closing out the year with his highly combustible performance in Undagear 26, for which I just yesterday awarded him myHomoerotic Wrestler of the Month title. I say Payton’s appearance on the ballot is a shocker not because his abs aren’t out of this world, but because my sense has been his debut didn’t put him on a lot of radars, and the buzz about his late year match has only just really started. All of that said, going back to my earlier supposition that this title is typically based on equal parts ripped and pretty, Payton could very well be a strong contender. I still say the timing is off for him to take the title this year, but if his performance in Undagear 26 moves you even 1/10 as much as it moved me, I could easily understand how this French Canadian exhibitionist could talk you into voting “oui!” for his abs.

Like I said, I’m wavering here and there about where my votes will go, so comment below to let me know who you think deserves to win.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

January 5, 2017 wrestlebard3 Comments

I have a few more reviews to write for December releases, but I’m ready to crown the final HWOTM for the year 2016. There were a lot of very high quality matches last month, with a number of outstanding performances that would have earned the title in less competitive months. But I was smitten. In fact, my level of instant infatuation sort of startled me just a bit. Rounding out the HWOTM title holders for 2016 is none other than…

…Payton Meadows.

I’m not the only one who wants a piece of Payton

I’ve been noticing lately that I’m getting turned on by smarts. Intelligence is the unsung hero of my crotch these days. So when Payton faced off against body beautiful Van Skyler last month in Undagear 26, he yanked my crank with both hands by whipping out that razor sharp wit. “Pain is not mandatory,” he lectures in that cock warming French Canadian accent.”You should give up, you should,” he calmly advises like a guidance counselor. “Pain is just weakness leaving the body,” he coos like a yogi as he rips Van apart in an abdominal stretch. He’s like the Pietro Boselli of Montreal, if Pietro was a philosophy professor instead of into numbers.

It would be disingenuous of me to imply that I crushed on Payton just for his brains, though. That. Body. Honestly, I’ve been waiting to hand Van an award of some sort for over a year, because he has all of the raw ingredients to absolutely become the Fantasyman franchise. So I’ve been waiting for that first victory, that first flash of charisma and personality. And he showed up to Undagear 26 and absolutely delivered it! I love him in this. He’s relentless and mean. He’s ready to grab hold of some underwear model and whittle him down to a sniveling little bitch, which, ultimately, he sort of does. This match really should have been entirely about putting him over. And I’m pretty sure a lot of fans read it that way. But for me, shockingly, out of nowhere, there’s one fatal spoiler to that narrative: Payton Meadows goes toe to toe in comparison to every one of Van’s obvious assets.

Other fans whose opinions I respect immensely couldn’t take their eyes off of Van, but I was instantly and continue to be infatuated with Payton’s body. I almost couldn’t believe it the first 5 minutes or so, that (in my opinion, granted) someone, anyone, was upstaging Van’s physique. Like, seriously, I was questioning my reality. Is this actually happening, or am I having a ministroke? Am I actually wanting Van to take the offense because it’s showing off Payton’s body in the foreground!?

The kicker came when Payton took a victory lap after violently wrenching his first submission out of Van, by throwing him to the floor and ripping Van’s trunks off. This should have been the moment that the choir of angels broke out into 8 part harmony in my head at the first glimpse of Van’s magnificent muscled cheeks unleashed. And, absolutely, I fucking loved watching him getting stripped. But then Payton just stands there, legs spread wide, leering down at the fantasyman, and lifts his arms up, silently demanding to have his own briefs removed. The fucking balls on this newbie, insisting on going skin for skin with the mostly dazzlingly pretty piece of ass to hit the industry in the past 2 years!

And Van does. And that choir of angels blasts in my eardrums. Like fucking Jesus the Redeemer, Payton stands there with arms outstretched wearing a perfectly fit jockstrap. Perfectly smooth complexion. Perfect proportions. Perfectly aesthetic muscle tone. And what has to be the most delicious looking ass on the planet.

Payton sweetly sells the cocky, dazzling young upstart who is convinced of his superiority, but who, slowly, despairingly, gets worn down to a nub. He keeps trash talking, even as Van opens up some distance. “I’m just getting warmed up!” Payton snarls defiantly when Van demands another submission. All that gorgeous, bronzed muscle gets owned, over and over, and Payton’s smart ass trash talk starts to reveal that he’s coming to terms with the harsh reality that he’s getting trashed hard. He goes from unbreakable to beaten with nuance and authenticity.

And when he’s starting to really get bullied and humiliated, he racks Van’s balls with his forearm, picks him up by that same forearm, and pins the fantasyman agains the wall still getting racked, off his feet. Pinned to the wall. Actually pinned to the wall. It’s powerful and brilliant. It isn’t a move that an underwear model dabbling in gay wrestling would attempt. It’s got attitude and ego. It’s threatening and soul/ball crushing. After all the smartassness is worn away and Payton comes face to face with his own mortality, he responds by going beast mode. Fuck, I love that moment.

Even in defeat, Payton grabs a handful of glory

Payton’s had a hard couple of debut matches. I get the impression that he may not have grabbed his audience the first time around. But I’m praying to the homoerotic wrestling gods that there’s another season for this unquestionable hit. He has all of the potential to be a breakout star, and he deserves every last ounce of the homoerotic wrestler of the month crown.

Payton Meadows: Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month – December 2016

Cleaning House – 2017

January 4, 2017January 4, 2017 wrestlebard2 Comments

As you might have noticed, I did a little New Year’s house keeping around here. It used to be an annual tradition to change up the color palette and mess around with the formatting here and there. Living the mantra of “things need to change” in this new year, I returned to this annual ritual of rearranging the furniture. My other annual tradition always used to be to author a brief piece of fiction about starting the New Year’s off right, in the way that only readers of neverland would appreciate. Reasserting my long held belief that the active use of imagination is our greatest, and perhaps only, weapon against being consumed by the Borg collective, here’s a little window into what keeps my eye on the homoerotic wrestling ball these nearly 8 years on.

Ringing in 2017

Honestly, I wasn’t expecting much this New Year’s Eve. After having just moved a few months ago, I wasn’t expecting much more than a few phone calls from friends in other time zones before I drank one too many Kentucky Mules and, most likely, passed out about 2 or so hours before the ball dropped. It’s not like I was planning a pity party, mind you, but holy shit, how my spirits lifted when I answered the knock at the door and found globetrotter Eliad on my front doorstep.

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Ellie said he ditched the party boys in Brazil just in time to catch a flight north and ring in the new year with me. He’s always been a doll. Not much of a planner, though. There he stood in subfreezing temperatures all done up in an impeccably tailored tux, with no overcoat. No hat. No gloves. His lush lower lip quivered a bit in the bitter cold. I almost hated to invite him, he was so fucking adorable shivering there on my doorstep. But I grabbed him by the top of his trousers and pulled him into my humble abode, hips first.

I offered Ellie a Kentucky Mule, but he asked for his bourbon neat. I asked if he wanted nosh, but he just silently shook his head and leaned in, those fucking sensational lips hovering inches in front of mine, that teasing grin pulling at the corners of his mouth. I asked what he did want, and he smiled even brighter, winked, and whispered, “Let’s wrestle.”

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He’d been talking about us wrestling for years now. In the beginning, I won’t lie, I was a little intimidated. Ellie’s about half a foot taller than I am, and he’s stacked like Jenga. He’s always been gorgeous, of course, but in the past couple of years, he’s managed to pack on about 15 pounds more of solid muscle while not adding a even a fraction onto his 29 inch waist. He could put a major hurt on a man. I knew he didn’t sincerely want to do me any permanent damage, of course, but a newbie grappler built like Wolverine and hopped up on his first erotic wrestling experience seemed like potentially dangerous territory.

But after a few months of Ellie talking about it, dropping it into conversation, clearly turning himself on by just the fantasy of it, I started to doubt it would ever actually happen. So I called his bluff. “Bring it, Ellie,” I’d tease him, knowing he’d have some excuse of producing a PAPA party on the other side of the globe. “Anytime, anywhere, big boy,” I’d taunt him when he brought it up again. I thought it might actually happen a couple of times when he was flying through the States. He’d stop by for a couple of days. He’d bring up the topic of wrestling. I’d remind him of my wrestling mat in the basement. And then he’d mention some pulled muscle he got from pushing too hard at the gym recently. I gave him a hard time for it, but honestly, he’s such a sweet heart. I didn’t push it.

But here we were, New Year’s Eve, and the hairy chested, babyface beast was ready to get it on. I had a hard on by the time I was dragging the wrestling mats out of the basement. Ellie had already shoved the living room furniture to the walls. I was unfolding the mats in the middle of the room, seriously distracted by watching him, staring at me, untying his bow tie. He unbuttoned his shirt, exposing his lush, bulging, hairy pecs. Fuck, this massive erection of mine was going to be seriously vulnerable on the mats.

I almost jumped when the doorbell rang. Oh, fuck! Not now! Ellie stopped unbuttoning his shirt and leaned against the arm of the couch. He looked a little impatient as he waited for me to get the door. I had a fleeting impulse to ignore the door, but then the doorbell rang five times in quick succession. My cock sagged with the sound of it.

I was ready to tell whatever new neighbor who’d decided to wait until New Year’s Eve to introduce themselves to go fuck off. I opened the door. And, oh. Fuck. It was Matt.

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I’d been harassing Matt for months to come see me, now that we live just a few hours apart. He’s nearly as busy as Ellie is, though. Our last Skype chat, I had specifically said, “Come by anytime at all.” Apparently, Matt had decided this was the time to surprise me with a visit.

He didn’t wait for me to invite him in. He just reached out, still wearing his big, puffy winter parka, and scooped me up in a hug. He gave me a big, lip glossed kiss with his cold lips. It was surprisingly tender for Matt. Until he abruptly hoisted me off my feet, and the hug turned into a bearhug. I arched backward, pressing against his chest to try to pry his hands apart. He shook me side to side. I must have cried out in pain. Suddenly, I was dropped back to the floor, and a half second later Ellie violently shoved Matt’s back into the wall.

It was a slight train wreck. Matt was hurling a steady stream of profanities. Ellie probably was, as well, but my Hebrew sucks, so it’s hard to tell. Matt pushed himself away from the wall to get in Ellie’s face, but Ellie shoved him in the chest, hard, bashing him back into the wall. This was getting way out of hand, really, really quickly.

I managed to intervene after shouting them both down. I made the introductions and explained to Ellie that this was not a home invasion. This was, actually, one of Matt’s tamer greetings. They stared at each other a few long, pregnant seconds, listening to me, but ripping each other to shreds with their eyes. Finally, Ellie backed off and grinned half heartedly, offering to shake Matt’s hand.

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I wasn’t too surprised when Matt slapped Ellie’s hand away angrily. He was slowly cooling off, though. I explained that they’d both decided to surprise me with their visit. Matt was still giving Ellie a cool, calculating appraisal as he shrugged off his parka. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. Of course. Still staring fixedly at Ellie, he bounced his meaty pecs.

I managed to corral both of my guests into the kitchen. I offered Matt food and drink. He took a couple shots of Bourbon straight from the bottle. When he asked what Ellie and I were up to this evening, I skipped a beat. With the tension already thick, I didn’t know if it was a good idea to bring it up, but Ellie growled, “Wrestling.”

The situation was rapidly spinning entirely out of my control, once again. The boys immediately headed to the living room, checking out the arrangements for the match Ellie and I were preparing for. Matt laughed in Ellie’s face, assuring him that I would kick his ass. I should have been flattered, but I could tell this wasn’t about me. Matt was determined to take this instant grudge with Ellie to the mat. I was a little more surprised that Ellie was so enthusiastically taking the bait. These beefcakes were going to wrestle each other, and, wait. What the fuck about me!?

Like I said, this was well out of my control now. Ellie pulled his massive arms out of his tuxedo jacket and finished unbuttoning his shirt. They both took off their shoes and socks. Matt kept his sweat pants on, but Ellie unbuttoned and stepped out of his slacks. His hairy quads were bigger than I’ve ever seen them. His tighty whities stretched around his massive upper thighs and across his world class muscled glutes. He stood about 2 inches taller than Matt, but I’d guess they were about the same weight. Matt’s probably a little more thickly muscled, particularly in the upper body, but it’s all shades of gray. By the bulge swinging freely between his legs, outlined underneath his sweatpants, I was guessing Matt was going commando. Which, again, wouldn’t be a surprise. I sat down on the couch and just watched, momentarily distracted from that feeling of being left out.

They started circling one another. Matt feinted several times, mostly just to taunt and tease. To my surprise, Ellie read him like a book, dancing away gingerly but without taking any of the feints too seriously. When Matt finally made a serious stab at a single leg, Ellie hopped backward as he shoved downward on Matt’s back. Matt dropped to his stomach, and a half second later, Ellie was on top, spinning across his back and controlling his right arm.

Matt looked suddenly a whole lot more serious. He lunged upward to his knees, sliding Ellie off his back. But Ellie wrenched Matt’s right arm behind his back, cinching up the hammerlock with his right hand while wrapping his bulging left bicep across the front of Matt’s throat. Fuck me, I had no idea what I had been about to walk into. Ellie was fucking on it and in charge!

Matt lunged forward, flipping Ellie over his back and sending him skidding on his ass into my coffee table. Bless his heart, I think Ellie was trying to be careful not to break my table. Of course, in the mean time, Matt was grabbing him by the chin from behind and pulling him back to the center of the mat. He positioned his right knee in the center of Ellie’s muscled back and pulled with both hands on the chin lock, stretching Ellie’s neck backward at a sick angle. Ellie’s eyes popped open wide. He clawed at Matt’s fingers in a panic. I suspect this was a little more serious of a match than he was expecting to have tonight.

Just as Ellie seemed to be about to pry his opponent’s hands off of him, Matt windmilled his right fist and pounded it hard into Ellie’s right pec. Ellie’s eyes screwed shut in agony. I suspect the knee jabbing into his right lat was as injured as his pec. Matt swiftly grabbed Ellie’s wrists and pried them backward, folding Ellie’s massive back in half around his knee. Ellie’s huge, hairy pecs quivered, straining, looking for the world like they could snap apart at the seams. His jaw dropped open in a silent gasp.

Matt looked over at me and smiled. “Oh, Bard, this was going to be your New Year’s Eve fun?” He shook his head with contempt while leaning forward, giving Ellie a moment of relief before violently wrenching his arms backward even farther. “You are so fucking lucky I showed up to this party,” Matt smirked, winking at me. “Between the two of us, I think we can probably have a little fun with meat here.”

My cock was about to rip the crotch of my jeans open at the seams, so I not-so-discretely unbuttoned and unzipped to release the uncomfortable pressure. “Ooo, yeah,” Matt chuckled, “you like watching this pretty boy suffer, don’t you?”

Okay. On the one hand, fuck yes. Of course I was getting off on watching Ellie getting ripped apart. On the other hand, I was the one that was supposed to be doing the ripping. The snide smirk on Matt’s face as he watched me involuntarily grab hold of my raging hard on was pissing me off.

Clearly, the whole thing was pissing Ellie off, as well. With a primal growl, he suddenly thrust his hips upward and kicked hard. They both tumbled backward in a heap. Ellie swiftly spun around, in Matt’s guard, and pressed his left forearm across Matt’s throat. There was already a little sweat stain forming at the crack of Ellie’s ass. He was really leaning in, bearing down on the choke, when Matt’s ankles snapped together, his meaty thighs digging into Ellie’s sides. Ellie’s conditioning is superhuman, so I really expected him to hold out, but it took no more than about 4 seconds before he screamed. He rose up on his knees and desperately began to try to press Matt’s knees apart.

Now, I know those scissors. They cracked a rib of mine a couple of years ago. Matt is fucking vicious with that vice. But he isn’t always such a dick. For example, right there, with Ellie almost whimpering in pain, Matt laced his fingers behind his head and smiled up like, well, like a dick. “Cry for me, bitch!” he taunted. So fucking rude. So fucking hot.

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Ellie looked almost paralyzed by the pain digging into his sides. His neck arched backward, his eyes closed, he was clearly nearly at the breaking point. I was feeling bad for the stud. This wasn’t what he came here for. But then he drilled a thumping right jab into Matt’s lower abdomen, and I was feeling a lot less sorry for him. Matt’s ankles popped apart. He was sucking on air, his jaw gaping open. Ellie’s superhuman conditioning roared to life, because he didn’t need even a second to recover. He grabbed Matt’s ankles and rolled the gasping hunk to his shoulders, folding Matt in half. Deftly, he swung around and kneeled over Matt’s face, his sweaty pouch swinging a couple of inches above Matt’s forehead. Ellie used his knees to pin Matt’s ankles to the mat, reached forward, and yanked Matt’s sweat pants down his legs. I was wrong. Matt was wearing a jock strap with a very roomy pouch to let his infamous anaconda swing freely.

I was lost for a moment in admiring Matt’s spectacular bubble butt when Ellie barked, “Count it!” It took me a couple of seconds to register what he was saying. Oh! He wanted me to play ref all of the sudden? Sure. I dropped to my hands and knees and slid a hand underneath the left side of Matt’s back, just to verify that he was squarely pinned. He was. One. Two. Three. I slapped down the count.

Ellie hopped off and danced on the balls of his feet. He looked so damn proud! I felt like giving him a lollipop. Or a blow job. Right at that moment, he could have named his prize. But Matt was roaring to life, bitching like an ex-con sailor. He climbed to his feet and angrily yanked his sweatpants off. He was bitching at me about counting too fast. He was bitching at Ellie about cheating. Mostly, it was just a long string of profanities with no grammatical sense or point to them, other than to express the beefcake’s seriously bruised ego.

It isn’t like there was a bell to ring for round two. Matt just attacked. A shoulder block to Ellie’s sternum knocked the wind out of him. Matt just kept charging, lifting Ellie off his feet and slamming him into the wall. My original oil painting from a artist on the Olympic Peninsula shook off hits hook and crashed to the floor. Fuck, they were breaking my shit.

Ellie pounded down double fisted hammer blows into Matt’s broad back. Matt started to back off, but the second Ellie pulled himself away from the wall, Matt lunged forward again and scooped the 6′ muscle man up into a bearhug. This wasn’t like that playful bearhug he had me in at the front door. I could tell that he was digging those fists deep into Ellie’s lower spine. Matt is incredibly strong. Trust me. I’m not surprised he was able to hang Ellie there for a few seconds, but Ellie is one solid slice of beef. Matt’s grip weakened and Ellie’s toes sagged back to the floor. Ellie was catching his breath, starting to try to squeeze his left hand inside the hug, when Matt grunted loudly, arched backward, and then turned Ellie in mid air, slamming his back to the mat loud enough that my floor boards creaked.

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Matt rolled up and placed his left knee on the side of Ellie’s face, pinning him there humiliatingly as he looked up at me with that shit eating grin and flexed a double bicep. I sat down on the couch again and grabbed my cock, again. Matt was doing this for me. That twinkle in his eye and that sneering upper lip said it all. This actually was about me. Matt was jealous of the attention I had been about to pay Ellie. Fuck, this was hot.

Ellie shoved Matt’s knee away and rolled up to his knees. Matt climbed to his feet, still showing off those gargantuan biceps, but now aiming the guns intimidatingly in Ellie’s direction. Furiously, Ellie lunged for Matt’s lower legs, but Matt kept his balance. He squatted low and locked his arms around Ellie’s tiny waist, hoisting him up with a loud grunt. Ellie’s legs lifted high off the mat, with him now suspended precariously upside down. Matt took a few stutter steps, just to show off, I’m sure, before swinging Ellie forward and slamming his upper back hard to the mat.

That hurt. It’s just a wrestling mat on hardwood floors. Ellie looked dazed, which probably explains why he did nothing to defend himself as Matt grabbed him by the chin and pulled him, tottering, up to this feet. Matt hooked his right arm between Ellie’s legs and scooped him up across his chest. He did a full lap of the mat this time, again, winking at me, showing off. He came to a halt directly in front of where I sat on the couch. Violently, he dropped to one knee, pounding Ellie’s lower back across his outstretched thigh. Ellie jerked in shocked pain, the air exploding out of his lungs. He started to sit up, but Matt shoved his chin back down, bending him backward across his thigh, pressing down with his other hand on Ellie’s hairy right thigh.

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Ellie groaned loudly. Matt looked up at me and smiled broadly. That cockiness, those big, beautiful pecs. Fuck, nothing could tear my eyes away from that magnificent specimen… except for the bulge in Ellie’s briefs. Oh my God. There was Ellie, nearly broken in two in a nasty ass over-the-knee backbreaker, totally getting owned. And he sprouts wood.

Following my gaze, Matt noticed the effect he’s having on Ellie. H was clearly as surprised as I was. And pissed off, I’m sure because Ellie distracted me from adoring him. He shifted his hand away from Ellie’s thigh, grabbing him by the balls through the fabric of his sweat soaked briefs. Ellie screamed. Loudly. Matt’s lips curled away from his teeth in concentration as he bore down on the boy’s testicles. Ellie jerked and kicked, but Matt had plenty of muscle to pin him there solidly across his leg, squeezing the fuck out of his balls.

“Tell Bard you submit,” Matt demanded. Ellie whimpered, sucking down air, before finally whispering, “I submit.” Matt twisted his ball claw for added agony, making Ellie scream again. “Tell Bard that I’m the man,” he demanded. Ellie remained silent, other than agonized groans, until Matt leaned into his twisting ball claw for more pressure. “You’re the man!” Ellie gasped. Matt chuckled, still not relenting. “Tell Bard that you’re my fucking bitch.”

Oh fuck, now I really felt bad for Ellie. I was just about to tell Matt to knock it off, but Ellie gasped, “I’m your… fucking bitch,” before I could say anything. Matt laughed out loud and stood up, dumping Ellie to the mat unceremoniously. He planted his right foot on Ellie’s chest and flexed his biceps again. Fuck, what a sight.

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I started bitching at Matt about being a bad sport. He stomped on Ellie’s chest and walked over him, adding insult to injury, on his way to grab me by the wrists and yank me to my feet. He laughed at my complaints about being a prick to my guest. He pointed out that my erection, now at full mast, sort of undermined my tone of righteous indignation. He had a point. He grabbed me by the back of my head and pulled me toward him, nearly sucking my tongue out of my mouth. Fuck, he’s hot. It’s not like there was no reason I was practically begging him to come for a visit.

And then, like Matt always does, he pushed it one step farther. Still Hoovering my tongue, he wrapped his massive arms around me again and jacked me back up, off my feet, into a bearhug. I grunted in pain, but he kept sucking on my tongue, squeezing me into him, crushing my cock against his abdomen. Did I mention how strong he is? He took a few steps around the mat, stepping over Ellie, with me suspended in that embrace. Finally he pulled his face away, letting me catch my breath as best I could with my ribs getting crushed. “Now, you’re turn, Bard,” he snarled ominously.

I’m not ashamed to admit that Matt beats my ass about nine times out of ten whenever we wrestle. Win, lose or draw, the post-match victory fuck is always well worth it. He’s just so fucking strong, and he exploits his size advantage every last inch. He’s a vicious brawler, and I respect him for it.

On the other hand, there was no chance in hell that Ellie was going to show an ounce of respect to him. I had no idea what was going on at first, when Matt suddenly gasped, he’s eyes bugged out. He dropped me awkwardly to my feet. For the second time tonight, Ellie had intervened to rescue me from his bearhug. This time, he accomplished the task by reaching between Matt’s legs, from behind, and clawing the living fuck out of Matt’s balls.

He clearly had it coming to him, am I right? I tried to keep an eye on what was happening, but it was tough, doubled over and reintroducing my lungs to oxygen. There was a lot of grunting and shuffling of feet, but when I was able to really take stock of what was happening, Ellie had Matt pinned, face first, against a wall. His right hand was still crushing Matt’s balls, forearm deep between Matt’s massive thighs. Ellie used his left hand to grab the hair on the back of Matt’s head and slam his face repeatedly into the wall. When I say, “into the wall,” I mean “into the wall.” There were now a dent exactly the size and shape of Matt’s handsome mug in my drywall.

I just watched in genuine awe as Ellie lunged low and bent Matt backward across his shoulders. His claw never let up for a second on the bad boy’s balls, even as Ellie stood up, using his free hand to grab Matt by the throat and bend his spine around his neck. Holy fuck, I had never seen Matt manhandled quite like that before. Ellie was transcendent. Think Marine O’Malley climbing off the page from his bout with Surfer Larry Schultz. Matt was completely helpless and 6 feet off the mat-covered hardwood.

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“Oh, fuck me,” I remembering muttering to myself. Ellie’s eyes locked with mine, and there was something uncharacteristically unkind about the look he gave me. He walked toward me so deliberately that I stepped backward, tripping over the corner of the coffee table and landing on my ass back on the couch. Ellie stood there over me, his legs spread wide. Slowly, he squatted low, using Matt as a barbell. Just as slowly, he straightened his legs, rising up and flexing those sensational quads.

Whatever I always saw as “sweet” about Ellie was, at least for the moment, completely evaporated in the heat of his rage. He did a set of squats and then simply walked forward out from underneath Matt, letting the deadweight slam in a heap on the mat behind him. He took a couple of steps toward me like he was about to beat my ass next, but then turned back around and dragged Matt up to his hands and knees by a fist of hair. With one hand latched onto Matt’s throat and the other wrapped around Matt’s balls again, Ellie lifted the battered beefcake up off the floor, arched his back to hoist him high, and then dropped to one knee, busting Matt’s gut across his outstretched thigh.

He let Matt bounce off his knee and land in the fetal position on the mat, groaning. I caught myself about to chuckle at the thought that I was feeling sorry for Ellie not five minutes earlier. He was now living large and in charge, bending over and ripping Matt’s jock strap off him in a spray of shredded fabric and elastic. Matt’s famous lead pipe slapped down damply on the mat, magnificent as always.

Matt groaned and tried to pull away when he realized Ellie was shoving the tattered remains of his own jock strap into his mouth. Thus gagged, big, bad ass Matt was dragged yet again to his feet, this time to be snatched up in a picture perfect full nelson. Ellie rag dolled him back and forth, making Matt’s pendulous cock slap from thigh to thigh.

“Tell Bard you submit,” Ellie growled as he positioned Matt directly in front of me. Matt’s arms flopped lifelessly as Ellie bore down on the full nelson, pressing Matt’s chin hard into his chest. “I… I submit,” Matt gasped.

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Ellie dropped him like a sack of potatoes at his feet. His eyes locked with mine, Ellie lifted his arms and treated me to his own magnificent gun show. I started applauding. Fuck, this was the best wrestling entertainment I’d seen… ever.

Ellie ignored the applause and turned his attention back on the heap of muscle crumpled at his feet. He bullied Matt up to his knees and scooped him up in his arms across his body. Ellie rolled him up across his collarbone, and then dropped hard to one knee, slamming Matt’s lower back across his outstretched thigh. Retribution, baby! I loved the symmetry. Right then and there, Ellie was a master of the universe.

He pinned him there across his leg. Matt was significantly less flexible than Ellie, so there was a lot less bend. But Ellie pressed hard, nevertheless. He couldn’t help but size up Matt’s jackhammer, feeling the heft of it bouncing in his hand for a few seconds. But the aesthetics gave way to mechanics, once Ellie wrapped his fingers around Matt’s naked testicles and started to squeeze. Matt screamed like I’ve never heard him scream before.

“Tell Bard that I’m the man,” Ellie growled. Ellie was running him right back through the same paces Matt had put him through. Matt choked and sputtered on the pain, but finally gasped, “You’re the man!”

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Ellie dumped him to the mat and stood up, hands on his hips, his rippled abs pumping oxygen to his magnificent, glistening muscles. There was one more tit for tat revenge submissions he had yet to secure from Matt. He looked winded but determined. The only question left was how.

Suddenly, Ellie bent forward and peeled his dripping wet briefs off his long legs. The tighty whities were mostly transparent now. Ellie always looks phenomenal, of course, but he’s never looked this good before, on top, in charge, the victorious gladiator preparing to put his opponent down for good. He leaned over and stretched his soaked briefs over Matt’s head, completely covering his face with them.

Then Ellie squatted low, wrapped his huge arms around Matt’s torso, and hoisted the dead weight up and off his feet into a magnificent, naked bear hug. Matt’s back arched in agony. He tried to press away from Ellie’s hairy chest, desperate to free himself. His groans and whimpers were muffled underneath Ellie’s underwear covering his face. Ellie stomped in a circle around the mat, allowing gravity to grind spikes of pressure into the torturous hold. Matt was weeping when Ellie finally demanded, “Tell Bard that you’re my little bitch!”

Burly, vicious, bad ass Matt bullied into crying like a bitch. Fuck I was savoring this. After several long seconds, Matt slumped over Ellie’s big, bulging right shoulder, still whimpering. “Say it!” Ellie barked. “I’m your bitch,” Matt groaned, resigned, honestly and truly beaten.

I was on my feet for a standing ovation before Ellie even managed to drop the ballast back to the mat. He flexed his peak biceps my way. The grin on his face was once again hinting at that sensationally sweet stud who had seemed, momentarily, to disappear behind the raging hulk who just beat Matt’s magnificent ass so completely. The wink and subtle nod of his head was a clear invitation to laud the victor up close. I didn’t need to be asked twice. I stepped over Matt’s writhing body on the mat and reached out to get feel of those monster biceps calling to me.

Ellie stretched his magnificent body. I massaged his taut traps. I dug my knuckles into the bulging knots in his muscled back. In complete honesty, I whispered to him that he was, in this moment, nothing short of a god. He deserved it. Things finally sorted themselves out, sure, but he was still seriously disrespected in my home. I caressed his glorious, naked ass as I swooned over his complete wrestling mastery. I licked the sweat from the deep crevasse between his gorgeous pecs, stroking his ego, worshipping his power. I felt his hand on the back of my head, pressing me into his chest firmly. And then…

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… well, it’s hazy from there. There was a struggle, definitely. Those pecs are divine, of course, but I couldn’t breath, shoved up between them so tightly. Ellie was smothering me in all that hairy muscle. I sort of remember sagging to my knees, looking up at him, looking down at me. I’m pretty sure I blacked out the first time with my head getting crushed in Ellie’s standing scissors. I roused next to find Matt hovering over top of me, Ellie’s hand shoving him down to his knees. Obeying Ellie’s command, Matt yanked my clothes off. Following orders, Matt started sucking my cock, which was quickly pushing me over the edge, right up until Ellie dropped to his knees over top of me and planted his naked ass across my face. I blacked out briefly again, I’m sure. I think I remember Ellie riding me in a camel clutch, but that’s mostly a haze. I know I submitted over and over again, but I don’t remember how many times. At some point, I roused to realize I was staring up at Ellie’s mammoth erection, my head throbbing in face-to-crotch headscissors. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Matt, squirming in a sleeper hold with Ellie’s big right bicep pressed expertly across his throat. Matt’s thrashing about and groaning slowly faded as he went down. I struggled to stay conscious, just to watch Ellie to jack his gorgeous, veiny cock right in front of my face. I didn’t hold on long enough.

Ellie roused both me and Matt to ring in the New Year at midnight. It was sort of romantic, really, in this way that erotic wrestling can be. Ellie toasted the New Year with my bourbon. Matt and I, on our knees, worshipping him.

It was the perfect way to wake up, on New Year’s morning, sandwiched between Ellie and Matt in bed. Matt and I teased Ellie about beginner’s luck. Matt promised to whip Ellie’s beautiful ass the next time they wrestle. I complained that I never had my fair shot at either of them. But there’s no denying it. Ellie was the New Year’s Eve champ. We have a tentative date for the three of us to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.

Best of 2016

December 31, 2016 wrestlebard1 Comment

I had every intention of posting some more niche categories for you to chime in on as we look back on the best of homoerotic wrestling for 2016. But alas, time and tide await for no man. The clock has nearly run out on 2016, and probably not a second too soon. So instead of polling the readers, I’m just going to put forth a few of my own personal picks for the best in homoerotic wrestling in a few more categories almost certain not to show up in any official year end fan polls.

Best Back

Fuck, I love a big, broad, thickly muscled back. I suppose a lot of guys probably don’t think of the back as a particularly lust worthy. I, on the other hand, think a hot, sexy back is immense value added. It seems far too often neglected by the gym bunny crowd, making a truly gorgeous, crafted classic V and wide wing span that much more notable. Again, for my tastes, there are mechanics involved, like proportion, shape, and thickness, but that last, little, hard-to-articulate aesthetic comes down to whether a back makes me ache to slap down a massive load across the expanse of it. So, as with everything, it’s about what it inspires in me as much as any particular objective, measurable quality that we could all agree on. My top three favorite backs in 2016, in reverse order, are as follows:

2nd runner up is Lon Dumont. So much has been said about Lon’s phenomenal abs, and deservedly so. But damn, that back is a work of art! I would love to see 2017 be the year that opponents climb into the ring with Lon and acknowledge what a hot, rocking body this magnificent muscleman possesses, and fuck, that back should be on the list of things for an opponent with taste to admire.

1st runner up for me is BG East’s muscleboy Van Skyler. He’s a dizzyingly sexy fantasyman from the front, sure, but fuck, that gorgeous back could be more perfect only with a stream of cum painted across it.

I don’t have access to better pics, but trust me, Thunder’s Arena’s Scrappy has a magnificent back. His perfect V points like an arrow that supremely fuckable ass. He’s phenomenal to watch wrestle. The attitude, the power, the beauty from every angle. But my heart rate spikes every time I see his best side. Scrappy has his admirers, clearly, but I have think that he’s one of the most underrated athletes in the homoerotic wrestling industry. He’s a handsome fucker with some sweet mat skills, but I’m waiting for him to just turn around, extend that lat spread and flex those glutes, and bring the right opponent to his knees.

Best Tag Team.

There were precious few tag team matches in homoerotic wrestling in 2016. A producer once told me that tag team matches are few and far between because it’s just too much of a pain in the ass coordinating 4 different schedules (plus the production crew). So they’re a rare treat that I, personally, enjoy immensely. So here are my top 3 favorite tag teams in 2016, picked out of some inexact formula of ring skills, beauty, teamwork and chemistry, with just a little of that extra added allure of making we want to join them in a 3 way (and I’m not strictly talking wrestling now).

Zack Johnathan (aka Z-Man) and Austin Cooper

2nd runner ups for me were the fascinating pairing of two sensational, iconic figures in homoerotic wrestling, Z-Man and Austin Cooper, teaming up for Rock Hard Wrestling in All-Star Brawl. I’m not convinced that they have a ton of chemistry when working together, but two hot, sexy stars this big and this popular make a sensationally sexy pairing.

Raving Savages Zach Reno and Matt Blakewood

1st runner ups, and thus first in line for me to climb into a petite, muscle packed, loin clothed sandwich with, are Wrestle4Hire’s Ravaging Savages, namely Zach Reno and Matt Blakewood. These bearded badasses were a thrilling surprise for me in their magnificent take down of behemoth muscle giant Mark Muscle. Despite pulling off some fabulously coordinated double teaming, I think they are just a little unequally yoked, as evidenced by Matt having to turn alpha and order Zach around a bit to finally finish off their superhuman opponent. But holy fuck, these micro beasts were a sensational turn on for me in 2016.

Team All-Americans – Rookie Charlie Evans and veteran Christian Taylor

In what has to be the hottest, most entertaining tag team match in homoerotic wrestling this year (this decade?), ginger newbie Charlie Evans joined forces with fantasy veteran Christian Taylor to bring down the house in Tag Team Torture 19. Their opponents, newbie Chase Addams and Trophy Boy Ty Alexander, could have totally taken this award, if their out of control vanities hadn’t set them on a path to self-destruction from the start. What Team Vanity lacked in teamwork and coordination, Team All-Americans excelled at. This was such a fabulous narrative of earnest babyfaces versus narcissistic heels, with the juicy melodrama of the upstanding All-Americans suffering heaping loads of underhanded brutality, and yet enduring, having each others backs, and through raw skill, will, and teamwork staying in the fray long enough for their egomaniacal opponents to make one too many mistakes. I would pay a premium for those dick selfies they snapped with Team Vanity’s phones. And absolutely, if there’s a tag team I’d most want to join for a rip and strip, baby oiled menage a trois, in 2016, it’s Team Vanity.

Best Gear

I’ve had some extensive conversations with Ty Alexander about the dangerous waters of expressing strong opinions about gear. I’m no Joan Rivers, and I hardly claim any particular expertise in fashion. But I definitely know when a particular gear choice does NOT do it for me. And, occasionally, I think to myself, that hunk was made to wear that! As with everything, there are mechanical factors that go into my estimation of gear, like fit, color, and complexion. But in this case, that hard to describe, major component of what I like has to do with me deciding, at least momentarily, that a wrestler actually may be even sexier in this particular gear than out of it (trust me, that’s a rare conclusion for me). Well, at least I think to myself that I’d like to see him in it before ripping it off of him. In any case, what I think may be the most sensational gear choices of 2016 are as follows.

2nd runner up is Trophy Boy Ty Alexander. To say that a pair of trunks look like they were made to be worn by a wrestler is, quite literally, the truth when it comes to fashion-obsessed Ty. He has an immense collection of custom made wrestling outfits that he showed off in 2016. Possibly my favorite were the opal trunks he wore in his grudge match against fleeting tag team partner Chase Addams in Tag Team Torture 19. Lush fit, beautiful contrast with Ty’s all-over tan, and generously providing reading material for when he plants that ass on Chase’s face. They tell a story all on their own, which, considering Ty’s panache for storytelling in the ring, adds compelling nuance and subtext to a match.

I let my attention wander away from Jobe Zander for a while, but suddenly, in 2016, I took another look and discovered a whole new man. I’m assuming there was some nefarious transaction with Satan involved, or perhaps a genie in a bottle, to transform Jobe into the ripped sex god he suddenly is today. However it happened, I was blown away by the super-low-rise, sky blue banana hammock he wore this summer in Can-Am’s Decrotchery 14. His hot, rock hard glutes look insanely sensational, and Jobe’s masterpiece is framed like the work of art it is. The seaming, the gorgeously tight outline of his monster cock… everything about these trunks scream Jobe. A fashion critique would likely note that the pouch pulls away from his inner thigh just a fraction as a result of a fraction too little fabric to manage to cover his famously gargantuan python. But who the fuck are we kidding. That tiny gap, the shadowed space stretched too tight at the side of his crotch, is exactly what makes this gear perfection.

My choice for Best Gear in 2016 is Rafael Valmor from BG East’s Fan Fantasy 4. Honestly, Rafael had an unfair advantage, considering Kieran Dunne made him try out about half a dozen pairs of trunks before acknowledging the obvious truth that these baby blue square cut swim trunks achieved absolute perfection. The combination of that baby blue against his bronzed, Brazilian body is so fucking lovely! But it’s the cut that boggles my mind. I swear it looks like these trunks were sewn together right on his body. From the back, they dip exactly to the top of his ass crack, squeezing each gorgeous ass cheek like loving friend. From the front, they suck to his muscled, upper thighs, and then leave exactly enough acreage to let his mouthwatering bulge stick out just right. I know, I know, I keep using the word “perfection” too often in this category, but I can think of no other description for Rafael’s gear here. Kieran agrees with me here. Mouthwatering, aesthetic, masterful engineering, absolute perfection.

Best Wrestling Character

I think of this last category like picking Miss Congeniality, only most of the time, the most compelling, sexiest wrestling personalities in homoerotic wrestling are decidedly uncongenial. As a fan, I talk about this aspect of wrestling often, the sell, not just of any particular move or hold, but of the wrestling story as a whole. There are plenty of homoerotic wrestling matches that seem to pop up out of nowhere, with the combatants’ motivation for stripping down to their barest essentials and beating the living fuck out of each other remaining mostly a mystery. But there are some sensationally entertaining hunks on the scene who absolutely emote. They set the table for us, sometimes with dialogue and explicit backstory, but often with just a smirk and a sneer. I love wrestlers who can convince me that they aren’t just waiting to clock out, but that they’re motivated and passionate about working up a sweat and settling some score. This is less about being a heel or a babyface or a jobber, but about conveying the virtual world in which hot hunks in the briefest of trunks defy gravity, obliterate the conventions of common decency, and pit nothing but their bodies and cunning against one another for a reason. That’s fucking sexy as hell for me. So here are my top 3 wrestling personalities who did all of that the best in 2016.

I’ve missed seeing more of Aryx Quinn in homoerotic wrestling lately, but even showing up relatively rarely, he tears apart the competition in body and soul. As my 2nd runner up for best wrestling character, Aryx could easily drive fans wild with just that rocking body and those incredibly devastating wresting skills. And yet, every time he shows up, he brings that sexy as fuck, sneering, domineering, trash talking attitude that typically conveys a crystal clear motivation to rip an opponent apart in order to fuck them senseless in victory. I’d argue there’s no other wrestler in competition today who inhabits quite the wrestling character that he does with such supreme success.

My 2nd runner up for Best Wrestling Character is Kid Karisma. Kid K consistently conveys a transparent motivation for throwing down, built on several interlocking factors. He loves the way he looks, glistening with sweat and showing off his magnificent muscles, having beaten an opponent to submission and flexing over top of him. He clearly loves the way it feels, possessing another man, bending and breaking him, milking whimpers and screams out of him. Kid K sells a particularly sweet vintage of sadism without a hint of maleficence about it that’s incredibly novel and compelling. And, at least 2 times out of 3, he wrestles because it turns him on. So often, after ripping a lucky bastard apart piece by piece, you’ll catch Kid Karisma climbing on top, saddling up, and smacking down a lusty, passionate kiss. Both in his wrestling work and in conversation, he consistently comes across as a hearty partier, a prankster and a smart ass, who wrestles for the sheer pleasure of it.

Best Wrestling Character in 2016 for my tastes was Matt Thrasher. Again, like Aryx and Kid Karisma, Matt inhabits a relatively unique persona in the business, I think. Particularly in his work for Muscle Domination Wrestling, Matt is the Daddy’s Home franchise. He’s gorgeous, of course, but he absolutely owns the salt ‘n’ pepper daddy beat in today’s industry. Youngsters of all shapes and sizes keep throwing themselves in his way, calling him old, calling him grandpa. And with patience born of experience, Matt chuckles, and then turns the ageist bullshit on its head by beating the living fuck out of every ankle biter he meets. He’s bulging and hairy and sweats like a Margarita in August, but its the way he carries that off in his seasoned, savory picking apart of young bucks that makes him such a phenomenal character. He’s never impulsive. He’s deliberate and decisive. And he persistently possesses the sexy, compelling character motivation of crushing the dreams of youth as he turns cocky kids into his sniveling bitches.

So those are my picks for some of the aspects of homoerotic wrestling that I, personally, key off of, but which don’t tend to find their way into end of year fan polls. Feel free to praise any wrestlers who you’d have picked for these (or any other) category in the comments below. And happy new year, people. Here’s to a hope and prayer to the homoerotic wrestling gods that we all survive 2017 with a few civil liberties left.

Best Ink of 2016

December 24, 2016 wrestlebard1 Comment

Damn, maybe we need to brand 2016 the year of the rookie! The vote was less robust, but still decisive in selecting BG East muscleboy Calvin Haynes as having the best ink in the business in 2016.

I have to admit, I’m a bit infatuated with the peekabo anatomy chart art up and down his big, bulging, bad ass left arm. I think it does precisely what fine body art should. Namely, it accentuates and draws attention to what is so impressive and attractive about Calvin’s bulging muscles, and it gives me a serious passion for getting a lot closer and studying every illustrated inch of him. Preferably coated in baby oil (purely for the aesthetics, of course).

The hunky blond beauty had a sizzling hot last quarter of the year, debuting in a sensationally sexy lust fest against Christian Taylor and then getting a magnificent pro beatdown in the ring like only Jonny Firestorm can deliver. He’s still an enigma as far as what lunch table he’ll be sitting at over the long haul. He has similar raw ingredients to be a beautiful beefsteak whipping boy like big, bulging, beautiful Biff Farrell. But he’s already making a name in the erotic end of the pool, demonstrating a carnal lust driven by the heat of wrestling competition that you just can’t fake. Like Sexiest Nipples winner, Chase Addams, the future looks pretty wide open for illustrated Calvin, and I hope the fan appreciation for his ink only contributes toward propelling him toward a sensationally successful 2017.

Christian gets his hands on Calvin’s ass

While I love Calvin’s ink (and pretty much everything else about him), he was not my personal choice for Best Ink of 2016. Of my top five favorites, my choice for the singular Best Ink was, actually, KARN.

Fuck, this beast fascinates me. I’ve been intrigued by him in still frame for a couple of years, but it was sinking my teeth into Wrestler4Hire this year that really made me into a full on fan. I love his intense, pro personality. I love his cocky, smirking, taunting humor in the ring. But damn, I am seriously passionate about his body, and, in particular, the extensive art on both arms and shoulders.

I’m pretty sure the color palette puts KARN over the top for me. Color, in and of itself, isn’t always going to make for superior ink. But in KARN’s case, oh fuck, yes. I am incredibly frustrated that the promotions he wrestles for (Wrestle4Hire and Can-Am, both, I’m pretty sure, via Cameron Matthews) do not provide some fan fueling, high def photos of him. Like a shooting star, I’ve only been able to admire him from some distance, most often less than crisp or detailed video captures, blurred by motion and implying even more magnificent beauty than can be actually seen with the naked eye. Please, oh please, homoerotic gods, put KARN in front of a professional quality digital camera, preferably in super briefs and nothing else (well, or less), and let me study this work of art in fanatical detail, please!

KARN’s cover art is the clearest, most up close we get to see

And since I’m lifting up my year end prayers to the homoerotic wrestling gods, I’ll just say that an autographed beefcake shot of KARN would help make this chilly, depressing end of 2016 turn significantly brighter in the new year.

Sexiest Nipples of 2016

December 23, 2016 wrestlebard3 Comments

I’m calling the race for Sexiest Nipples. At 9:00 am (EST), the official vote tally propels BG East rookie Chase Addams into a decisive victory as possessing the sexiest nipples in homoerotic wrestling in 2016.

On the one hand, this has got to be considered an upset. Young Chase appeared in only two matches (on just one DVD, no less) this year. He was up against some pillars of the scene who have long established, massive fan bases. Frankly, I was a little worried that the selection of sexiest nipples was going to blur into a rush to judgment based on biggest pecs, which is a distinctly different category, in my book. But neverland readers decisively picked lovely, lean, lickable Chase and those beautiful half dollars emblazoned on his smooth chest.

On the other hand, I am happy to report that Chase is also my personal pick for Sexiest Nipples of 2016. I find it refreshing when, on these rare occasions, my tastes and the taste of readers coincide. If you read my interview with the master craftsman of pro wrestling holds, it comes as no surprise to you that I key off on Chase’s gorgeous, pinchable, suckable nipples. They caught my eye from day one. Although his double header debut in Tag Team Torture 19 was outstanding, classic, straightforward pro wrestling for the most part, just the presence of Chase’s radio dials elevated the erotic tension magnificently. Well, Ty wrestling bare assed and Christian and Charlie using Team Vanity’s phones to take dick pics placed TTT19 securely in the homoerotic end of the pool. Nevertheless, I stand by my original position: Chase’s magnetic nipples kept the erotic heat on simmer throughout both of his matches.

I’m curious to see if this Off Broadway award may be a harbinger of bigger things to come for Charming Chase. I have it on good authority that BG East will be doing another fan poll for year end awards, and I’ve got to imagine that Chase will be a top contender for Best Debut of 2016. Among neverland readers, he’s clearly caught a lot of attention.

I get a strong sense of Chase being on the cusp of something big. He’s well positioned, at the very least. His social media game is already stronger than 98% of homoerotic wrestlers, and I still say that the future of this industry (and most industries) is in multi-platform marketing. If you haven’t followed him on FB, you’ve been missing out on a growing catalog of pics of Chase showing off his aesthetics, including some provocative shots of his private wrestling resume. Beyond just getting off on Chase’s beauty, however, you can also start to get a sense of the man behind the nipples. His dark sarcasm and icy cold cockiness hint at what very well could be a future headliner. He appears to be both fully embracing of the homoerotic side of wrestling, while consistently demonstrating an achingly earnest and sincere devotion to the science and art of pro wrestling.

And those fucking nipples! On social media, Chase has enthusiastically endorsed a suggestion from Kayden Keller that a side by side comparison and battle for the belt with nippletastic Mason Brooks is in order. I also have whole heartedly supported the idea, because that much hot, hard, smart, young talent in one wrestling match would be absolutely incendiary.

Whatever is in store for Chase Addams in 2017, neverland readers and I agree. In 2016, he had the Sexiest Nipples in homoerotic wrestling.

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