Category: Jake Jenkins

Public Service Announcement:

wrestlebard6 Comments
This is Eli Black’s world. You just live in it.

True story: Out of the blue, a few days ago I got an instant message from Primus himself, Eli Black. He said that I’d “probably want to mention on your site that April is ‘Eli Black Month.” Well, hello to you, too, Eli! To what do we owe the honor of celebrating Eli Black Month? Turns out in April it’s going to be raining Eli! And when it rains Eli, it pours!

Eli’s arm raised in victory in the steel cage last weekend

To kick off Eli Black Month, just days ago the Shutdown did his magic all over some unlucky punk on his way to winning a 2nd round submission with a rear naked choke in his most recent MMA fight. For real.  All that muscle and all that attitude don’t just entertain us troops of fans. He’s also one seriously dangerous pit bull in the cage. Can you imagine having that muscled warrior wrapped around you from behind, squeezing you between his legs and slowly, precisely crushing your windpipe with his forearm? Hell. And yes.

UCW’s XanJey grabs a handful of Primus

Eli unilaterally designated April as his month because he’s also got his fine, fine, fine ass due to appear in one wrestling match after another for our corner of the wrestling audience. First up, catch Joe’s review of Eli’s debut appearance at UCW. I haven’t seen the match yet, but Joe has posted a pic of Eli’s opponent crushing Primus’ balls, and his green trunks are clearly wedged way, way up that gorgeous ass Eli’s not shy about mentioning. Truth be told, I’ve heard a little shit about UCW that’s kept me away, but Eli Black on the docket is bringing them some class and a second look from me.

Exclusive shot of the action at RHW: Eli ripping Austin in half (and loving it)

Are an MMA victory and a UCW debut enough to make this Eli Black Month? Don’t answer until you hear this: Just a couple days ago, Rock Hard Wrestling released their latest product, featuring a match up that makes my mouth water just thinking about it: Eli facing Austin Cooper. Eli is giving up 30 pounds to beefy golden boy Austin. He gets rocked (literally) to a first fall submission, those mind-boggling abs stretched so sweetly across Austin’s meaty thigh in an OTK backbreaker, only to inspire Eli to get down and dastardly for a round 2 mauling of Austin’s impressive abs (but let’s face it, he’s no Eli Black). Check Joe at Ringside at Skull Island for the definitive review (I’ll have more to add in a couple days), but holy shit, Austin lifts, tosses, slams, and basically shot-puts Primus all over the place! In the ropes, hanging upside down in the turnbuckle… sweet man alive, Eli takes a hell of a beating and keeps bouncing back for more!

Eli’s rear choke makes Jake Jenkins reconsider the wisdom of this rematch

So an MMA victory, a UCW debut, and a Rock Hard pretty boy pounding? But wait, there’s more! When Eli talked about some of his then-unreleased matches for BG East in my interview in February, it was his re-match against muscle stud Jake Jenkins that caught my (and several readers’) attention first. The advanced release promotional pics that the boys at BG East generously let me post illustrated the best news I’ve heard in months: this is a jockstrap match! I have to think it was a crush of calls from fans desperate to taste this promised delicacy for themselves that resulted in BG East releasing this visual feast of a match as part of Mat Rookies 1 in their just moments ago published catalog 92.

Coming and going: April is Eli Black Month

An MMA victory, a UCW debut, a Rock Hard ring match, and an epic (and extremely rare) BG East rematch with body beautiful Jake Jenkins!? To top it off, Eli gave me the heads up that his birthday is also in April. As always, it’s just hard to argue (or at least win an argument) with Eli Black (unless you’re Joe, then it seems like it’s hard not to argue with Eli!). With the body of evidence Eli has presented, along with the additional sentimental fact that the Shutdown is about to celebrate a birthday, I just can’t come to any other conclusion. So just sit back, turn on, tune in, and just concede the facts: April is, indeed, “Eli Black Month.”

Stop and Double-Take

wrestlebard3 Comments
Eli Black, aka Shutdown, aka Primus, aka Amazing
February is a short month to reign as top homoerotic wrestler, but Eli Black certainly hit the ground running with his recent release for Rock Hard Wrestling, delightfully schooling body beautiful Alexi “Drago-lite” Ivanov in the brutal realities of post-Cold War combat. Eli scolded me a bit for covering some of the same ground as in his interview with Joe, when I asked him about what aspects of his rocking rock hard body he’s most proud of.  Technically, Joe asked Eli about how it was to work for Rock Hard Wrestling (this was prior to BG East’s release of Gut Bash 9), during which Eli took the opportunity to appreciate how RHW makes his “picture-perfect eight-pack abs and that amazing and stunning ass” look so incredible. So my question wasn’t exactly old news, but I wasn’t about to try to correct Eli Black! I’ll leave that to much more accomplished hands (like Jake Jenkins, Morgan “the Mastodon” Cruise, etc.). And God help them when they try…
Jake put Eli’s divinely sculpted 8-pack on display.

In any case, Eli once again sang the praises of his astonishingly hard washboard and his luscious ass. So as the days wind down in February, I want to echo, once again, what I said to Eli. His abs and his ass are also at the top of my list of favorite elements to the stunning fight physique that Eli has crafted.
Morgan tried to tenderize Eli’s cement core.
Why worry about sculpting a zero-fat granite sculpture like Eli’s? Of course, Eli answered that question for us as well. The better to take a beating, in the unlikely event, and bounce right back to be ready to climb into the ring and come back swinging. Eli’s body is clearly devoted to one task, and one task alone: to be as hard and strong as physically possible. So sure, Morgan pounded the living shit out of Eli’s washboard until his anatomy chart core was a deep, throbbing red. I have no doubt in the least that Eli was roaring to climb back into the ring the next morning, ready to take what he’d learned from getting caught by a surprise spear from the Mastodon and incorporate it into Eli’s own brutally dangerous game plan.
Eli’s ass is certainly eye-catching!

 And that ass! “Pow,” indeed! I throw around the term “bubble butt” far too freely around here, I’ll be the first to admit. I like a powerful, round, more than a couple handfuls of gluteus maximus any day. But Eli’s divinely sculpted ass has no resemblance at all to a bubble butt. Like every other inch of his physique, it’s hard, without an ounce of wasted mass. There’s nothing bubbly about Eli, from his tunnel vision focus on victory to his rock hard, lean butt. But unlike some endurance athletes who seem to whittle their glutes down to being flat as a board, Eli’s got the genetics to sport both zero bodyfat and a truly gorgeous, aesthetic, curvaceous, meaty ass! These cheeks could crack walnuts and look oh, so good doing it!

Eli looked primed to fuck up (or just fuck) Russian muscleboy Alexi.

I got the impression from my interview with Eli, and from Joe’s interview before that, that Eli Black is ready to do whatever it takes to get the point across: that he’s the best. His description of what he’s prepared to do if Attila Dynasty ever tries to recapture Eli’s face between Attila’s dangerous thighs (in an as yet unreleased match for BGE) was profoundly moving for me. He’s going to drive his elbow up Attila’s lean, mean ass; then he’ll ambush Dynasty whenever he climbs into the ring against another opponent, in order to beat them both senseless and shove the third man’s fist up Attila’s ass. Good fucking God! Eli Black’s playbook sounds like a combination of the movie Caligula and classic indy pro. Now that is an inspired homoerotic wrestling imagination!

Cannot WAIT to see Jake and Eli’s world class asses hit the mat!
And I suspect I hardly need to point out to anyone the provocative suggestion that Eli made when I asked him about seeing the preview pics of him wrestling a rematch with hunk stud Jake Jenkins in jock straps. When Jake decided to strip down to next to nothing, Eli took it as a personal challenge to follow suit. “I’ll wrestle naked,” Eli stated boldly in our interview, “just like they did it in the beginning of wrestling in Greek times.”  I, for one, am not about to question Eli Black’s sincerity or the strength of his convictions, so I believe him 100% when he says he’s willing to wrestle naked. This, of course, begs the question of when a wrestling promotion is going to put Eli in front of a wrestler who will deliver the full monty challenge that we’re all now holding our breath for?! So many hot, naked wrestlers to choose from, I’m not sure who to recommend. How about dangling raw, fresh meat in front of this raging bull like Tyrell Tomsen or Christian Taylor? Or how about put him in the expert hands of Kid Vicious or Cage Thunder? Primus says he’s ready to battle like the Greeks, and someone needs to take him at his word!
Eli’s got plans, don’t doubt it for a second!
Eli Black has depths that have yet to be plumbed. He’s fierce, brash, potentially reckless, even, so I hope he doesn’t burn out prematurely. If he takes his knocks and sticks it out, I can’t help but believe every word of what Eli predicts for himself. He’ll be running the show (with an iron fist, no doubt) before all is said and done!

Primus

wrestlebard4 Comments
When Eli Black powered into the title of my homoerotic wrestler of the month on the strength of his appearance last month for Rock Hard Wrestling, followed quickly by his debut match release for BG East, I decided to see if I could track him down for a follow-up interview to his barnburner verbal fencing match (or brawl) with Joe at Ringside at Skull Island. Despite his stated reluctance to grant me this interview, Eli actually seemed pretty open to the idea from the start, and let’s face it, Eli Black loves to talk about Eli Black! Since everything was going my way for this little project, I decided to press my luck and approach the boys at BG East to see if they had any cutting room floor shots of Eli’s match with Morgan Cruise. To my shocked delight, in what I think might be a first ever pre-release of shots from as yet unseen BG East matches, Kid Leopard himself sent me some exclusive, never before published photos of Eli in three yet to be released bouts, with permission to share them here! I get the impression that BG East is thrilled to have this ferociously ambitious tiger by the tail. He kept me on my toes during this interview. He makes some extremely bold predictions for his future success in homoerotic wrestling. And combined with seeing the punishment he can dish out and take, my conversation with Eli has made me that much more infatuated with this fierce, rock hard, seriously dangerous hottie!
———-
Eli Black – ripped, roaring and ready to conquer the world!

Bard: Thanks for agreeing to talk with me, Eli. I read your interview with Joe over at his blog Ringside at Skull Island and I was feeling a little intimidated. Your conversation with Joe seemed to get a little testy. Are you and he still on speaking terms?

Eli: I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to take this interview, but as far as speaking terms, you’ll see if he ever writes anything bad on me again.

Bard: Well, I’m that much more grateful that you did take this interview! I just watched your debut match with BG East against big bruiser Morgan Cruise. Holy shit, Eli! Your body is ripped to shreds! What’s the secret of staying at that level of conditioning?

Eli competes in MMA as well as as his sights
set on RHW and BGE!

Eli: Ugh!! Morgan Cruise, the hamasta pussy. Let me just say first of all that whole match was bull shit! Cheap shots left and right. I can’t wait till I see him again. Oh my God I… hate!!!… losing!!!! He’s got it coming. But I work hard on my body, with various circuit work outs from speed to power to stimulate my muscle, to be primed and ready to take beatings in case I end up taking a b.s. beating like this match was. My recovery that way is rapid and gets me back in the ring ready for more, unlike the rest of the out of shape pussies who are cheap pieces of shit.

Bard: Well your fitness is incredible, and the work you’re doing in the gym is phenomenal to see in the ring! So speaking of your match with Morgan, it certainly looks to me like you’re toying with the big kid in the opening moments. He’s flat-footed, slow, and I get the impression that you could put him on his back in a split second. With your MMA background, do you find it hard not to open up a can of full-contact whoop-ass in the world of pro wrestling?

Eli: [laughing] Yeah, I definitely can’t help myself but go. Whether I’m toying with someone or in a grudge match, I’m really good at finding a weakness in my opponents. And in Morgan’s case I could kick and strike him all day long, but once he speared me, he caught me way off guard, which was unusual for me. But I’m more than positive when it’s me and him again, he’s done! But yeah, I definitely toyed with him in the beginning. I mean there’s no one out there with my skills, so why be scared?

The Mastodon drives Eli into the
corner

Bard: I have no trouble believing that for an instant! I’ve noticed that Morgan has been calling himself “The Mastodon” in his bid to be the next big, bad heel at BG East. Other than him being hairy and, compared with you, slow, I’m not really sure his nickname really says a lot about him. Now that you’ve seen him up close, what nickname would you pick for him?

Eli: Like I said earlier, “masta pussy!” Even so, I wouldn’t even say that he’s huge! He’s not insanely strong. He’s nothing special. I am just gonna say “No Name,” because I don’t have time to waste on giving that cheap ass a nickname. Next time I see his ugly ass, I’ll make sure to cover his face up with his own underwear, with a sign on his back sayin, “Eli Black: I don’t want that!,” because of how horribly I’m going to destroy him! Other than that, his nickname is just plain stupid, and if I were his reflection in the mirror I’d laugh in his face!

Bard: I know a whole army of your fans who would line up to see you do all of that! What’s a good nickname that your fans should call you?

Eli: Hmmm, I like to think I “shutt” down my opponents, so it’s only fair to say Eli “the Shutdown” Black. What ya think about that? Amazing? Yeah, I know. I can be known as that too!

Bard: Both options sound excellent to me! So Eli “the Shutdown” Black, I hope you don’t mind if I ask another question about your body, because it’s quite a favorite topic of mine lately. With a body as amazing as yours, I can imagine it might be hard to decide, but what part of your body are you proudest of?

Eli: Hmmm, well in my other interview I did have a similar question, and since then, other than me getting even tighter and harder than before, it’s still an out of the park easy answer: my picture perfected 8-pack (sculpted by the gods themselves), and my ass that will make anyone stop and double-take more than once. And once again, I give it all to God for giving me this cement block for me to be sculpted the way I am.

Bard: Your 8-pack and your ass top my list of favorite parts of your body as well! I’m also a big fan of body art, so I love your tats. The colorful tat down your ribcage quickly caught my eye. It looks fierce, but I can’t make out what it says. Any special significance to that or any of your other tats?

Number one, the highest ranking, aka the best

Eli: Well, the one on my ribs says “primus,” meaning number one, or the highest ranking, aka the best. The one on my thigh is the outline of the best wrestling state in the world, PA. And the one behind my arm says faith, but if you look closer you’ll see behind it in red is a Chinese reading of the saying “blood, sweat, and tears,” representing what I do and believe in. And on my back, you have my Pitt panther.

Bard: Awesome art, and very cool to see how each piece speaks to your passions and strengths. I think “Primus” could easily be another excellent nickname for you. So when I mentioned to Kid Leopard at BG East that you’d agreed to do this interview, he graciously sent me some exclusive, advanced preview pics of a few matches that you’ve wrestled for BG East that have yet to be released. First, let me say that you look incredible in every shot! Second, I’m immediately drawn to the evidence that BG East gave you a second shot at evening the score with Jake Jenkins after he defeated you over at RHW. What was it like facing Jake for the second time?

In a cage, in the ring, on the mat… Eli “Primus” Black is a triple threat!

Eli: Hmm, I guess Primus would be a good one. You can take credit for that and start it for me, why don’t ya? And yeah, Kid Lep is probably one of the only straight forward wrestlers I’ve met so far. But yes, for all my fans, I got another crack at Jake, and when I say it was once again a match of the year, I left no room for disappointment. You’ll all be out your seats when you see how I do this time around! You ask anyone at BG. I fought everyone to get that rematch with li’l Jake. He tried to get out of the rematch, but like I said, only if you’re lucky! And I mean if you’re lucky enough to beat me, you’ll regret it, because I will get you again, and when you see this match when it’s released you’ll see what I do the 2nd time around.

Down to jocks, Eli is determined to exact revenge
all over Jake’s hot muscled body.
Bard: Cannot wait! The shots Kid Leopard sent look like you’re on the mats, and you start in singlets, but at some point you’re both down to jock straps. Good God, man, that’s a hot set-up!
That ass will command a double-take any day!

Eli: Yeah, he was scared to step in the ring with me again, so I said, “Hey, you have a wrestling back ground like me (just not as successful [laughing]), so let’s get on the mats. While we’re out there, I guess he thought he had a better body than me, and decided to take his singlet down, and I instantly complied by pulling mine down. I’ll wrestle naked, just like they did it in the beginning of wrestling in the Greek times.

Eli’s got the noose tightening around Jake’s neck!

Bard: Pure gold, Primus! And it’s further evidence of what you’ve said about your divinely blessed ass! I cannot wait for that release! I also see that you faced off against a couple of the up-and-coming resident pretty boys of BG East. Attila Dynasty has been squeezing the will to fight out of his opponents between those surprisingly devastating legs of his. Any lasting memories of Attila that you have?

Eli’s got something in mind if Attila ever tries this again!
Eli has Attila all tied up.

Eli: Honestly that whole match is a blur, but if that little pussy Attila ever tries to put my face remotely close to his ass again, I will shove my elbow deep in it next time. Then I’ll jump in the middle of one of his matches and beat the shit out them both, and then shove whoever else was in the ring’s hand up his ass!!!!!

Bard: Personally, I’d love to see some serious shit get thrown down at BG East! First, I’ll send you $10 for elbowing Attila up the ass, and second, I’ll send you another $10 for interfering with his next match to fuck him up some more! Damn, I doubt BG East has any idea quite yet just how high you’re ready to climb!

Eli: I will say that BG East is definitely a whole different world of pro wrestling. Full of cheap ass cheaters and pussies who can only win by taking the easy way out with dirty tricks.  Rock Hard is a little more straightforward, less low blows and dirty shit, and they actually like to battle it out to be a true champion. But I’m not going to make excuses. I will overcome it all and be the champ for all wrestling, and I will go in the history books as the best, because I am the best! I train the best. I will beat the best, and I will show every one how to be the best, and what it takes to be…. Eli……… Black!!!

Bard: Hot damn, Eli! You’ve got me convinced and bursting with anticipation of seeing your master plan play out!  Your take on the differences between RHW and BGE is fascinating. I think I remember from your interview with Joe that you didn’t have a very high estimation of the scene at Rock Hard, either. Both venues have dealt you some hard knocks, but it sounds like you see the need for different strategies to accomplish your goal of conquering them both.

Eli: Yeah, Rock Hard has a bunch of two-faced snobs, but they’re not as dirty as the BG East pussies are. But yes, I will conquer it all, and I’m going to drag every one of my opponents behind me with a noose tied around their necks!

Pretty Chace LaChance does some
chiropractic work on Eli

Bard: Well, no one can say that they weren’t warned about you! I noticed there’s a shot of you wrestling Chace LaChance. I think Chace is probably the most ridiculously pretty wrestler you’ve faced. He’s talked some trash about being a boxer, but I just can’t believe a pretty face like his has ever seriously boxed. Please tell me that you left him significantly less pretty after your ring match!

Eli: No comment on him, but he was nothing that would make me think he ever boxed! Threw a punch at a pillow!!! And I would say he’s not gonna be so pretty on your scale when you see him after this match, regardless of the outcome.

Bard: I’ll take that as a promise, and again, I can’t wait to see that match! So despite having faced a whole lot of guys who did not impress you, if you had to pick one of your former opponents as a tag team partner, who would you pick?

Eli: As much as I hate to say it (and you need to understand I HATE it!), it would have to be Jake Jenkins, only because we both are similar in the way we make shit look good. We both do the work, and he’d be the only one I’d give any type of credit to.

Bard: I can’t say enthusiastically enough how I can certainly see how you and Jake make shit look good! I also have to think that the two of you would be a buzz saw through the unlucky ranks of RHW or BG East. So, you’ve been generous with squeezing this interview in, and I really appreciate it. Before I let you go, I’m wondering if you can talk a bit about what it’s like for you to have a growing group of seriously loyal fans who are tearing up the discussion boards singing your praises. You’ve made a huge impression on a lot of us fans in a pretty short time on the scene!

Eli Black makes shit look good!

Eli: I will say, and this will be the nicest thing you’ll ever here me say, that I love my fans. Believe it or not, as long as you like hardcore matches with great footage and moves and me doing what I do, I will always perform! Don’t doubt it. Keep talking me up. It makes me just wanna push harder!!!! And I have no limits!!!

Bard: That’s a challenge that I and a whole bunch of Eli “Primus” Black fans will be happy to accept! Win, lose or draw, there are a bunch of us crazy for more, and I suspect once we see that jockstrap match with Jake, you’re going to be getting more buzz than you can imagine! We’ll be happy to keep doing our part, as long as you’re keeping up your hot work and working that gorgeous ass of yours! Thanks so much for your time, and I hope we can talk again as you keep tearing up the wrestling scene!

Eli: Thank you. It was a better time than the last one. Just look forward to seeing me push harder and harder! I will never let you down.

Bard: Awesome!

Hotter Than I Can Imagine

wrestlebard14 Comments
Yesterday something momentous happened. This is something that just doesn’t happen often. It played out like this… I posted yesterday on Kid Karisma’s report back to me that Austin Cooper was not the sore loser whose ego just couldn’t tolerate getting owned by Kid K. Apparently, there’s still some as yet unreleased match between Kid K and an opponent who walks away seriously pissed. Most of the time, Kid K assures us, once he’s dominated a lucky hunk in the ring, there are no hard feelings. Typically, roughed up egos are soothed with Kid’s classic concoction of karisma and commitment to bacchanalian delights. They all go out partying together once club gear replaces boots, kneepads and trunks. As is the norm, Kid Karisma revealed yesterday, Austin was out partying with Kid K soon enough after their recently released ring match for Austin’s Wrestler Spotlight DVD.
Kid Karisma can read my mind
As is my way, this sent my imagination into overdrive, picturing these two ripped, gorgeous, hot as hell young hunks tearing up the dance floor side-by-side.  With hatchets buried, Kid Karisma and Austin Cooper hitting the clubs and shaking their respective world class asses together was instantly an image that possessed my imagination with an iron grip.  Then, as if reading my mind, I received this pic from Kid K:
Kid and Coop on the dance floor before the party begins

Turns out, Kid K and Austin beat my imagination to the punch. This is apparently a shot of the two of them early on in an evening out clubbing, studying themselves in a wall of mirrors. It doesn’t look like there are many fellow-partyers yet there, but ohmygod what lucky, lucky (luckyluckylucky) bastards were those who walked onto the dance floor that night to see the sculpted physiques of Kid Karisma and Austin Cooper doing my 3rd most favorite thing to do with hard, hot bodies like theirs!

In my imagination yesterday, I had suggested that the only thing that could make that scene any hotter was to throw Jake Jenkins into the mix to form a perfect storm of blond, red-headed, and brunette hunkiness that would surely bring fellow partiers to their knees.  A short time later, I received this little treasure guaranteed to drive me insane:

Now the party can really begin!!!

I do believe in a god, because the karismatic one answered a prayer that I hadn’t even dared to voice out loud. I suppose that may make this threesome the holy trinity, but I’m going to stop the religious analogies there before I get complaints from the devout fringe who may read this blog. I may be too old and not nearly pretty enough to get in the door of any club that might be the setting to see this truly awe-inspiring scene of gorgeous bodies, but having one prayer answered already, my next prayer is to see something like this in person before I die. The smiles on their glassy-eyed faces are making me melt as I see superimposed overtop of them the picture of Austin pounding the shit out of Jake in their jockstrap BGE debut Ripped Rookies… and Kid Karisma tying Jake’s spine like a bow around the ring post in their No Mercy Hunkbash… and what I can only imagine will be a feast for the eyes to watch Kid K and Austin’s new release for Austin’s Wrestler Spotlight (which I’ll be enjoying soon!).

Crowning a New Champion: Kid Karisma

The answer to prayers (or the reading of my mind) by Kid Karisma and his camera isn’t actually the momentous event that I mentioned to start this post. Following up on a fantastically hot, candid, provocative interview to start 2012, the stunning beauty of Kid K and Austin’s match in still frame, and these behind the scenes shots of three of the most gorgeous young homoerotic wrestlers in action today, something even more momentous happened: Kid Karisma knocked Lon Dumont out of the spot of my favorite homoerotic wrestler (non-pornboy)! Lon has absolutely owned that title for ages, and I’m still awfully devoted to him as he remains top contender to retake the title, but without a Lon release in Catalog 91 and with Kid K fulfilling my fantasies before I even have them, there’s just no doubt about it. There’s a fiery, no shit, hardbodied, blue-eyed, freckle-faced, red-headed rugby player turned homoerotic wrestler in undisputed ownership of the title of my favorite homoerotic wrestler (non-pornboy division): Kid Karisma.

Odysseus Arrives

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I completely understand why 44% of you selected wrestling hunk Jake Jenkins as the homoerotic wrestler who best embodies the spirit of Odysseus. He was the runaway winner in the field of 6 nominees (7, really, since SP put in a write-in vote for Wade Cutler). Reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month Rex Braddock, looking an awful lot like Steeve Reeves from his sword and sandal film days, had support early in the voting. But tough young Jake came from behind to spank Rex’s bubble butt handily, garnering 2 votes to his 1 when all was said and done.

When Jake hit the scene as the very definition of Rock Hard Wrestling, I had a hit from the chatter that we were falling into two categories: Jake Jenkins fanatics vs Austin Cooper fanatics. There’s not a thing wrong with blond bombshell Austin, mind you, but I was instantly in the Jake camp. He’s clearly a well-trained athlete, including bringing solid amateur wrestling skills with him to the ring. Kid Karisma probably put it best, dubbing Jake a “fucking monkey” for his ability to climb and jump, swing from the ropes and leap through the air inside the ring. Needless to say, he’s also hot as hell. And he’s quickly developed great instincts for selling a story, conquering more than his fair share of bigger opponents and also suffering like someone with intimate knowledge of what it feels like to get owned.
More to the point of Jake-as-Odysseus, he can totally work for me as a Greek hero, fearlessly facing the wrath of the gods determined to break him in body and spirit. His hot muscled body trapped, squeezed, and tied up helplessly by one sadistic opponent after another (particularly in his BGE work) makes it no stretch at all to think of him as the pawn of Olympus, battered, beaten, crushed and humiliated, but never completely broken.
There’s a virtuous “everyman” quality about Odysseus that Jake just barely qualifies for in my book. If Odysseus didn’t have a little god-spunk in his own genetic recipe, Jake might look just too tasty for the role. But Jake works an awfully compelling mixture of both cocky self-confidence and intoxicating vulnerability at the same time. Through sheer grit, he can endure apparently endless suffering to overcome the odds and bring a relative giant to his knees. In expert hands, though, he can also get chipped away, his iron clad core of muscle and fortitude that much more luscious as he goes down time after time to the dark powers of domination and injustice.
Odysseus brushes against complete destruction over and over again. He’s a mere mortal (a hot, macho, battle-sculpted mortal, of course), so against the divine interference of gods and demigods, he’s tricked and toppled repeatedly. He’s helpless and hopeless, if not for divine intervention that allows him to fight another day. And when it comes to Jake, there are few wrestlers currently in the business who I’d rather see soaked in hard-working sweat, tied up bare assed and in agony like a pretzel, refusing to submit despite facing absolutely zero chance of extricating himself from his tragic circumstances.

BG East Arena has preview pics of Jake in a Wet and Wild match, soaked in see-through speedos, on the edge of getting drowned by Poseidon/Christian Taylor. There are some homoerotic wrestlers that I love watching in a squash (either end of the stick), but Jake, like Odysseus, is most entertaining and lovely when he’s working, working hard, struggling, fighting, battling with every awesome muscle and acrobatic ability, straining to keep me entirely wrapped up in the suspense.

And speaking of suspense, thanks for your words of encouragement and support in my own epic journey to get home. Happily, I finally made it!

My Odyssey

wrestlebard1 Comment

You would not believe the week I’ve had. I’ve slept in three different time zones, been snowed in twice, re-routed 3 times, and I’ve been working my ass off every step of the way. I feel a lot like Odysseus, tackling one epic obstacle after another thrown at me by the gods. And even as I type this, the same demonic snow storm that has trapped me once already has left me snowbound yet again, far from home.

I don’t know what I did to offend the gods, or what bad karma I accrued, or how unlucky I am to have defied probability on so many counts to come up on the short end of the stick. In any case, thank the gods that I at least have internet access now. The subzero wind chill and blinding snow outside are screaming my name, but I’m warm and sheltered for the time being. I’ve been away from the blog so long that I’m struggling to get my groove back. So I’m just going to ask for a little help from you all.

You know the story of Odysseus. Greek hero, thwarted by the ancient gods from his trek to return home to his family after fighting valiantly in the Trojan War. He battled a cyclops. He was briefly made an amnesiac by the Lotus Eaters. Half his men were turned to swine by the witch Circe.  He resisted the temptations of the ensnaring voices and vaginas of the Sirens. At every turn, the gods thwarted his journey home, threatening to take his life, battering him with the strength of all the elements of earth, sea and sky.

So my question for you, readers, is which homoerotic wrestler best embodies the spirit of Odysseus?  He’s got to be able to suffer overwhelming odds and profound injustice and keep battling back. He’s got to make women swoon, but prefer the company of his virile young men who follow him faithfully. He’s got to be athletic, strong, commanding and inspire both divine lust and ire. Which wrestler do you most readily picture in a loin cloth, tied to the mast of a ship, swelling with lust and driven nearly mad with desire? You can nominate your own by commenting below, but here are the nominees I’m placing before you for consideration…

Brad Rochelle

With the buzz over Brad Rochelle’s return after a long absence from BG East wrestling, I think he could have the look and the persona to be Odysseus. And perhaps he has his own heroic Odyssey to explain is long absence from the scene.

Cameron Mathews

Cameron Mathews has got to be one of the hardest working hunks in wrestling, which earns him a nomination for the role of Odysseus. Hot body, handsome face, astonishingly lush ass, and an all around good guy… the makings of an epic hero.

Thunder’s Arena’s Boxxy

 Boxxy is my wild card in this deck. I know he’s made a big splash at Thunder’s, and a helpful reader recently pointed me to his bare-all solo work at Randy Blue. He could have the making of a sincere, heroic face who gets pummeled and pounded by injustice but remains true to his belief that by virtue and hard work, he deserves to win in the end.

Jake Jenkins

Jake Jenkins stars in all sorts of fantasies of mine, and it’s no stretch at all to picture him in a loin cloth, battling the giant cyclops, taking a beating and relentlessly bouncing back for more. And I suspect that like me, there are plenty of men and women who’d lie, cheat and steal for his affections, just like Odysseus!

Can-Am’s Paul Perris

Too literal? Whatever. We know that the classic bodybuilder/kickboxer/homoerotic wrestling icon Paul Perris looks mouthwatering when tied up. This man driven wild by the Siren’s song, willingly tied to the mast of his ship by his men, would be awfully picture perfect.

Rex/Rex Braddock

Finally, homoerotic wrestler of the month Rex Braddock has the facial hair and the gorgeous, hairy body of a Greek hero. There’s a raw edge to Rex that I love. He’s somehow gorgeous and yet not pretty. He’s a beast of a man, but neither quite fits my typology of a gym bunny or a bodybuilder. He could be an everyman hero, no doubt. The object of lust, ire and a never-say-die willingness to stare down whatever the gods might throw at him.

Let me know what wrestler you think fits the bill of the classic Greek hero Odysseus by voting in the margin at the right. And wish me luck defying the gods in my own journey home.

Kicking Ass and Taking Names

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When I posted the reader’s choice poll last month for the rookie with the best potential in homoerotic wrestling, I was floored to get a note from my current pick as top contender for the title of my favorite homoerotic wrestler (non-pornboy division). BG East’s Kid Karisma named a couple of the candidates he’d like to get his hands on. I assured him that I’d like very much to see his hands on them, and then I quickly followed up with an interview request. After juggling holiday travels and work obligations, we finally got on the line together for a candid interview yesterday. As you’d expect from the likes of Kid Karisma, he doesn’t pull any punches. He names names and calls them like he sees them. His blunt honesty blew me away and sent me scurrying to my library of Kid K matches to “study” them some more with his insider perspective filling in the background. So turn down the lights, kick up the house music, and settle in for a hot conversation with BG East’s hardbodied party boy himself: Kid Karisma.

Bard: So thank you so much, Kid Karisma, for talking with me today. I’m a huge fan, so this is quite a thrill! To start us off, I just wanted to share an observation: having watched several of your BG East matches, it appears to me that you enjoy dominating an opponent almost as much as your fans enjoy watching you do it. Is that accurate?

Kid Karisma: That is correct! Well, it’s not that I like to dominate. It’s more that I like to show I am in charge, and how do I make sure they understand that? I make them feel humility. [laughing]


Kid Karisma: In Charge
Bard: That sounds like a fine distinction, but I think I understand. You enjoy making sure your opponents know their place… under you and at your mercy.
Kid Karisma: Exactly! And lets face it…most of them think they can hang, but I have way too much energy!
Bard: You’ve got amazing tenacity! Well, amazing everything, but your staying power is astonishing. I’ve noticed that, sooner or later, every opponent finds himself on his back in one of your schoolboy pins with your crotch shoved in his face. First of all, excellent work! Second, do you have any holds or maneuvers that you particularly enjoy inflicting on an opponent?
Kid Karisma: Well something that I started recently in the ring is tangling someone in the ropes to show off their body and have total access to punishing them. I did it against Z-man and Jenkins…talk about fun!  And on a mat I mainly like to crank the neck towards a mirror and have them admire my strength.

Kid K teaching Z-Man the ropes of BG East wrestling
Bard: Those are two excellent strategies that I certainly recognize from your body of work (that I’ve studied extensively). I know it’s a cliché question, but I’ve got to ask it: of the 10 matches BG East has released of yours, do you have a favorite?
Kid Karisma:  Christian Taylor is just fun to wrestle…love that body! Len Harder was feisty. But Jake Jenkins was a challenge and fun, so that one easily wins.  He is small, but his wrestling background and agility made it rather difficult. Plus, imagine getting a hold of that body! Well. I don’t have to! [laughing]
Kid K can feel Jake’s body melting
Bard:  Your match with Jake is a work of art! Damn, you two are an incredible pair in the ring together, and your complete destruction of him is epic. Any particular moment of that match stand out for you, in addition to tying him up in the ropes, as you mentioned before?
Kid Karisma:  I mean, I truly got to work him over completely! But when I had him in the Boston or bent over my knee…God, you can just feel his body melting and weakening…pretty epic.
Bard: Definitely! You mentioned your match with Z-Man and tying him up in the ropes as well. There was a moment where he you hung him over the top rope like the laundry, took a step back to look at him, and then commented, “Looks damn good from over here.” What do you find attractive in an opponent?
Kid Karisma: Well, there are different things I like within all my opponents, but the one thing that always gets me is a beat down opponent.  When you look at them and you know “I just made him my bitch,” that gives me goose bumps just talking about it! I just like to win, and I just happen to be a bad ass in the process.
Bard: Well, I’ve got goose bumps now, too. You are most definitely a bad ass, in the best sense of the term! BG East describes you as 5’8″ tall and 170 pounds, but somehow I find that hard to believe. You sure can fill up a camera with all those amazing muscles! Are those stats accurate?
Kid Karisma: Well, I fluctuate. In my matches against Z-man and Jenkins I was at about 180, possibly even closer to 185. I was pretty damn solid. I have thick legs so that always gives me a very stout look.            I played rugby for many years and started again recently so that’s where that build comes from.  When I played at the University, my legs were double the size.
Bard:  My goose bumps have goose bumps now! Solid is definitely one word that springs to mind when I picture you in the ring. You’ve got amazing legs, so trying to imagine them double the size is blowing my mind! As someone who clearly, and deservedly, loves his body, what would you say is your best body part right now?

 Kid Karisma: Well if I said anything but my ass, people wouldn’t take me seriously. It’s fucking huge! And all muscle, I would like to add! But, I say my arms! I have some serious peaks on my biceps, and have you seen my tri’s?
Kid K shows off his… triceps.
Bard: When I’ve been able to tear my eyes away from your muscled ass, yes I’ve appreciated your upper arms quite a lot. Wrapped around the throat of an opponent, they’re profoundly moving to see! What sort of workout routine do you have to sculpt your body so successfully?
Kid Karisma:  I must admit I have been working out for over 13 years now. So I have done it all. But my workout mantra is Form and Focus: Proper form while focusing on the muscle and high reps work wonders. Also, it’s 80% diet. That’s the hard part.  I was raised to be a jock I guess; maybe that’s where my attitude comes from. [laughing]
Bard:  Sounds like your physique is well earned! You know, of course, that you have an army of Kid Karisma fanatics that are completely in awe of the sight of you flexing those peaked biceps over a crushed opponent. What’s it like knowing that you’ve got fans swooning over every inch of you?
Kid Karisma:  Well it is very humbling, first and foremost, I must say! I am always flattered to hear compliments (even though most are deserved), and without the fans supporting me, well you know…you were just there… The Boss wouldn’t schedule me to beat up some punks. But at the end of the day, my body helps, but it’s my attitude that my fans really love.  Look at how many worthless pretty boys wrestle for various companies. Nothing but bodies with nothing behind them, a pretty face to beat, if you ask me. The Boss honored me with kid and karisma, because he saw something. Let’s face it; I earned the right to be swooned over. Also, for every person that thinks I am hot, there is one that hates me. At the end of the day none of those punks would say it to my face though! [laughing]
           
Bard:  I think that’s really why I picture you as a foot taller and 30 pounds heavier… it’s that ferocious, huge, gigantic confidence you have! And I’m certain you are absolutely right that’s what fans are so crazy about. Well, that and your superhuman ass. So speaking of Kid Leopard, how did you first get involved with BG East? Did The Boss happen to see your gargantuan thighs sprinting down a rugby pitch?
Red Baron teaches Kid K what friends are for
Kid Karisma:  No, nothing like that. My best friend, who’s been a fan of BGE for a very long time, got the chance to audition with them a few years back. He dragged me along for moral support. The next thing I knew, I was suited up and facing off in a three-way with my friend, aka “Red Baron,” and Cage Thunder. Before I walked out the door, the BG East boys were asking for more Kid Karisma.
Bard: We all owe a debt of gratitude to Red Baron! So, personally I try to avoid bad mouthing any of you gutsy wrestlers who work so hard to bring us such pleasure, but I love to hear the dish. Any inside scoop you’d like to share about any of your competition? Any wrestlers out there that you’d like to tell us fans what you really think of them?
Kid Karisma: [Laughing] Well, there is one guy, but the match hasn’t been released. It was easily the most intense match I have ever done. He hated my guts, and he hated the fact that I was much stronger and boisterous. Here’s the deal, if you ever had a chance to meet me, you’d know that all I want is to party. So all the haters I wrestle end up partying with me, and they end up loving me! Except one! [Laughing]
           
Bard: Oh my God. As soon as that match is released, I’m hitting you up for a follow-up interview to hear more about that! You’re most recent match was against Hoyt Riley who ended up putting a tick in the Kid K loss column. How the hell did that happen?
Hoyt Riley drops some hurt on Kid K
Kid Karisma: Listen… first off, fat ass sat on me!
Bard: [laughing]
Kid Karisma: …And I was still hungover as fuck! So go him.
Bard: Sounds like that one may still sting a little. What about some of the other wrestlers you’ve faced?
Kid Karisma: Jake is like a little fucking monkey.  I have never seen someone jump around as much as him.  Too bad that didn’t help him! In the end, he is just a kid…a nice kid…and I am Kid Karisma… or also known as a bad ass!   And as much as I will get shit for this from both The Boss and the fans…who in the fucking world taught Garza to wrestle? I thought they did a better job in Mexico! I mean, I have a luchadore mask out of respect… but give me a fucking break. But he is fucking hot! You should see his ass up close…mouth watering.
Bard: Indeed, my mouth is watering as we speak!

Kid K has some ideas about what to do to Christian Taylor’s body
Kid Karisma:  And I wish I could have Christian on a mat only. The things I would do to his body. Well, yeah, your blog is x-rated, right!? [laughing]
Bard: Do NOT hold anything back on my account! This is fantastic stuff!
Kid K is confident Rocco remembers this fondly
Kid Karisma: Oh, and remember Gear Wars against Rocco?
Bard: Extremely fondly, yes I remember it.
Kid Karisma: God! He fucking thought he was God’s gift to the world. I showed him who mac daddy at the end of the day is!
Bard: That you did! He looked seriously put out to get owned so completely by you. I’d be hard pressed to believe he walked away letting bygones be bygones after he squirmed so bitterly with your ass planted on his face.
Kid Karisma: Listen…if you remember, he tried to get out of shit quick, and I let him sometimes. But he loved every second and every drop of sweat of mine on him.  I’m pretty sure he still plays with his hole thinking about my ass, socks and whatnot in his face!
Bard: [Laughing] That’s hilarious!… and seriously turning me on. We’d better change the subject before I completely lose my focus. So are there any wrestlers you haven’t faced yet who you’d like to introduce to the ropes?
Kid Karisma: It’s not like I have a thing for taller, or shorter for the matter, but tight lean bodies.
Bard: You’re ready to work over anyone with a tight, lean body?
Kid Karisma: Yeah, and some other fat ass to redeem myself! There are a couple of pretty boys out there that I would like to get my hands on.  Can I just say, “Bend over… I mean GIVE!”
Bard: I pity any opponent who isn’t in top condition when they face off with you. Strike that. I envy any opponent that faces off with you. You’re an artist! Any pretty boys you’d like to name, or should we just leave it at that?
Kid K says Kirby Stone “looks like he’d
love to get beaten by me.”
Kid Karisma: Well, there are a few out there.  You know that innocent kid, Stone or whatever…he looks like he would love to get beaten by me.  He could be fun.  Or some novice hot kid that needs a good beating into the game [laughing]. I may actually pop one for that…especially when they can’t figure out what just hit them.
Bard: Kirby Stone? Hot damn, that would be incredible! And if you “pop one,” I’m buying two copies (if we’re talking about the same thing). You’ve been incredibly generous with your time and remarkably candid! I feel like you’ve given us some amazing insight into what makes you such a hot commodity in the ring and on the mat. Before I let you go, is there anything else that you’d like fans to know about you when you aren’t conquering one pretty boy after another for BG East?
Kid Karisma: You are very welcome, and it was definitely fun chatting with you, even though I got a bit wordy here and there. You know us shit talkers can’t help it! [laughing]  I want to thank everyone for their continued support while I am developing as a wrestler, and there are many more hot matches planned that continue showing me at what I do best: kicking ass and taking names! Also, remember that without all of the supporters out there, I won’t get to demolish hot ass boys…and what a shame that would be. I also would like to thank you for taking the time to talk to me, and it definitely has been a pleasure. Plus it’s awesome to have someone so attentive listen to me rant! [laughing]
Bard: The pleasure, I assure you, is entirely mine! On behalf of a whole lot of us, we can’t wait to watch you put more pretty boys in their place, and by that I mean sandwiched between your monster thighs, crushed beneath your epic ass, or choked by your python arms! We’ll keep buying them and loving them as long as you keep knocking them down!
           
Kid Karisma: Sweet. Have a good day!
Bard: You too!

Kid Karisma, ready to party

Reader’s Choice – Nick Collins

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Voting was enthusiastic and the competition was hotly contested, but Rock Hard Wrestling’s Nick Collins managed to hold off a late surge by BG East beefcake, Morgan Cruise, to claim the Reader’s Choice award for the recent rookie with the brightest potential.
Jake Jenkins ties Nicky up like a pretzel

Nicky’s appeal can hardly be a mystery. The lean, ripped body… the shaggy, long, yankable hair… that hefty package and oh-so-sweet round ass vacuum packed inside those skin tight trunks… still frame alone makes eager Nick Collins someone to watch.

Jake has his way with fresh, young Nicky

In both his singles and tag-team debuts at Rock Hard, he also shows clear evidence that he can wrestle. He’s nowhere near the polish and ring savvy of the RHW catalog 6 breakouts like muscle stud (and former homoerotic wrestler of the month) Jake Jenkins and his partner in crime, Austin Cooper (who, let’s face it, have come a long, long way in their short careers). Nicky has some amateur wrestling background, clearly, in the way he leverages is lean, tight body to flip and control his opponents. He’s a fit young stud who can get tossed and slammed and keep coming back.

Jake and Austin cannot get enough of rookie bashing Nicky

But he is a rookie, let’s face it. He sells about 40% of the time. He goes from 0 to 60 (writhing in agony to snarling with contempt and hardly breathing heavy at all) in the blink of an eye. He hasn’t yet really sold me, at least, with a reason that he’s climbed into the ring to face brutal, full contact competition. I can imagine the backstory, but sweet, sweet Nicky hasn’t yet really fleshed out the character and motivation for us.

All that fit muscle and bulging potential!

Which may be why so many of you tapped him for the rookie with the most potential. He’s got such sweet, bulging, squeezable raw materials to work with, and at the same time he’s got a boat load of improvement to make to turn a couple of passenger seat matches into a full on homoerotic wrestling kink persona that draws us in for more than just the beauty of that baby, baby, babyface and lean, hard body.

When he sells it, Nicky’s a gorgeously vulnerable babyface

Check babyboy out getting battered and abused by muscleboys Jake and Austin in his tag team defeat with partner Cliff Johnson, or pounding out two out of three to take a victory from fellow fresh face rookie Gunner Bayani.

Sweet, sweet potential!
Personally, I think my favorite homoerotic wrestler, non-pornboy division (and current homoerotic wrestler of the month) Lon Dumont needs to ring the school bell and open up a clinic for all of these rookies to learn so, so much (with sweet Nicky at the head of the class, of course)! I’ve also got a deep craving to see the top contender chomping at Lon’s ass for the title of favorite homoerotic wrestler, non-pornboy, and former homoerotic wrestler of the month, Kid Karisma, wrap little Nicky’s back around a ring post like a Christmas ribbon. Potential? Hell, yes.

Jake Jenkins’ House

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Eli Black receives the customary welcome to Jake Jenkins’ House
I completely concur with Joe when he concludes that when it comes to Jake Jenkins’ newest release on Rock Hard Wrestling, “This is a match that makes my blood surge.” Of course, Jake has never failed to make my blood surge. Standing perfectly still, this man makes me shift in my seat. When he climbs into the wrestling ring, struts around a bit, and then drop kicks and slams the hell out of his opponents, I’m reminded why he’s both a former homoerotic wrestler of the month around these parts and why he’s currently muscling his way through a highly competitive pack non-pornboys vying to break into my reigning favorites.
Eli is lean, mean and looking to send a message by destroying Jake in his debut with RHW.
Jake’s opponent is 5’7″, 140 pound “rookie” Eli Black. Eli gets the rookie card only because this is his first appearance on RHW. As far as I can tell, it’s his first appearance in the world of aboveground/underground wrestling for a gay audience (please do correct me if I’m wrong!). I was prepared to be underwhelmed by Eli and have eyes for no one other than Jake, but as is often the case (and always delightful), I was surprised that the astonishingly lean, blond battler gets my heart pumping as well. Eli appears completely overwhelmed and outmatched in the opening salvo, but when Jake flashes a double bicep and taunts him, he awakens a fierce fighter in the rookie. With Jake still in mid pose, Eli shoulder tackles the cocky stud, lifting him off his feet and spearing him violently to the mat.
Two distinctly different body types, but all rock hard muscle on both.

Eli is all muscle. Jake is too, of course, but they wear their amazingly fit muscles very differently. Eli is incredibly lean. He unquestionably qualifies as “rock hard,” but it’s an entirely different aesthetic than Jake’s thick, powerful bulges in all those beautiful places. Despite Eli’s leanness, however, one aspect of his amazingly trained body sticks out – that amazingly hot beefy ass!  
Eli makes a wish to become the next RHW phenom.
Eli’s ring presence also jumps out at me as something notable, impressive, and not quite “rookie” quality.  He tells his story with skill that exponentiates his raw, lean sexiness. He even takes the 2nd fall with an fantastically hot triangle choke hold. The degree of hot wrestling kink in this submission is comprised of equal parts gorgeous salesmanship from both wrestlers, the extremely erotic positioning of Jake’s face stuffed high up between Eli’s thighs, and Eli’s aggressive, taunting crowing as he’s in such complete control of his muscle stud opponent. “Tap!” he barks down domineeringly into Jake’s purple-hued face. “I’m the champ now! My turn to shine! Jake Jenkins is OLD NEWS!!!” When Jake does, indeed, submit breathlessly, Eli’s flexing victory lap around the ring is an incredible, detailed, stunning display of human anatomy. 
Jake Jenkins’ living large in Jake Jenkins’ house.

As Joe suggests, however, at RHW, Jake is increasingly thrilling as a coldly calculating sadistic heel. While Eli has an arsenal that no “rookie” ever possessed, the bundle of beautifully bulging muscles that is Jake Jenkins simply doesn’t stay down for long. In round 3, he has Eli gasping for air and soaked in sweat, back to being outmuscled and outmaneuvered. He snaps on a tit-for-tat triangle choke, but just as Eli looks like he’s about to concede, Jake lets him go (as in, he releases the hold and then instantly drags his nearly defenseless opponent back up to his feet for more torture).  He humiliates Eli with a nasty wrist lock, demanding that the blond cry “mercy,” even as Jake steps on his head, crushing Eli’s face into the mat with a sadistic smile.  It’s like the sheen of sweat coating Jake’s gorgeous pecs serves to lubricate his momentum as he plows from one crushing, torturous hold to the next. His tantalizingly long-held Boston crab, butt to beautiful butt, is some of the most beautiful sculpture on the planet.  When Jake flings the dumbfounded rookie over the top rope and into the shadows of the RHW set, I can’t always make out what he’s saying, but Jake continues to snarl contempt down upon Eli as the rookie slowly peels himself off the concrete only to find himself slammed back inside the ring. The final chapter of this entertaining 27 minutes is all about Jake’s sadism. “I wanna hear you screamin’,” he repeats calmly, over and over as he locks the rookie up in one debilitating hold after another.

“Don’t come in my ring,” Jake says with a smirk as he looks at the withered rookie. “This is Jake Jenkins’ house, buddy!”

Don’t let that flat-chested bitch beat you!

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The Rock Hard Wrestling tag-team match pitting former homoerotic wrestler of the month Jake Jenkins and his frequent friend and foe, Austin Cooper against twink scrappers Cliff Johnson and Nick Collins has been up for a while. However, my pennies have been diverted elsewhere, so it’s only now that I’ve had an opportunity to dip the ladle back in the gamey elixir of Rock Hard Wrestling’s unique talents at filming hard, devastatingly handsome hunks laying down some pro-style maneuvers.

Like the past several RHW matches I’ve watched, I’m giving this tag-team bout a thumbs up. There’s a glaringly weakest link in this mash up that you can’t miss. What the hell was little Nicky Collins thinking climbing into the ring against the experience and outrageously gorgeous muscle physiques of Jake and Coop!? Cliff, while still seeming to me to qualify for twinkdom, has a nasty attitude of a heel to make his slender form seem somehow that much more potently dangerous. Cliff is a cocky son of a bitch. He’s mean. He’d like nothing better than to dominate and humiliate a couple of fitness model pretty boys who think that a competitive amateur wrestling resume can translate into the professional wrestling ring. I get Cliff’s motivation. Little Nicky, however? He’s nervous. You’ll see what I mean. No doubt, he’s got a poker face, but he’s got tells you can see a mile away. When he’s leaning across the top rope, taking a breather while Cliff is getting tossed, slammed, pummeled and crushed inside the ring, I swear you can see it written on little Nicky’s face: damn, glad that’s not me. As a lamb led to slaughter, little Nicky Collins is perfectly on cue.

Jake Jenkins continues to captivate me. Perhaps the homoerotic wrestling world might be divisible into Jake-fans and Coop-fans. It seems to me that I see devotees of each who don’t seem nearly as interested in the other. If the world were that simple to dichotomize, I’d be squarely on the Jake Jenkins side of the fence. The face, the body, his adrenaline on turbo boost, his ass… in this tag-team match, Jake also reminds me of another reason that I’m so turned on by him: that mouth.

The action in this match is well-paced. The boys use about 80% of the ring, and there’s a healthy mix of amateur and pro wrestling moves as they inhabit territory in mid-air, on their feet, and down to the mat. Within the first 5 seconds, Jake and Coop are cheating, with Coop pounding Cliff into the unfriendly corner where Jake locks him up from the ring apron to leave him defenseless against his partner’s assault.  As often happens in RHW action, the tables turn on a dime (sometimes leaving me feeling a little whiplashed, in fact), and Cliff illustrates his hottest move: with one arm wrapped around Austin’s throat from behind and the other controlling Austin’s left arm behind his back, Cliff drops to one knee, driving Austin’s lower back squarely down on top of Cliff’s bent knee (when he pulls this off on Jake late in the match, you can see why it’s even more devastating on a shorter opponent!). It’s a sweet move that looks like it really hurts, and Cliff repeats it often. The golden boy looks like he’s got nothing to counter it, in fact, which inspires Jake, watching on with concern, to bark encouragement from the corner. “Come on Coop! Don’t  take that shit from him. Make him sniff your ass!”

The greatest tragedy of this match is that when all is said and done, the boys-wonder have neglected to follow through and make Cliff sniff Austin’s ass. However, there’s plenty of storytelling still to come. Each time one man gets the upper hand and exploits his advantage to the point of cocky arrogance, it comes back to bite him in the ass. With Coop’s number on speed dial, Cliff delights in hurting the big blond beauty. For his troubles, as soon as Jake tags in, he scoops Cliff up in his arms, lunges backward and flings the lean and mean one over his head, slamming him to his back.  As payback for Jake taking some extra liberties rubbing in the domination over Cliff, little Nicky (inexplicably) exhausts and schoolboy pins Jake, pounding his pecs for days. Now, my armchair assessment is that Jake could eat Nicky for afternoon tea and still have room for a porterhouse steak. However, the sound of panic rising in Jake’s voice as he cries for some underhanded interference from the ring apron makes me swoon just a little. “Get him off me!” Jake pleads/demands of Coop. “You’re close! Get him off me!”

With the badboy interference from outside the ropes pushing the reset button, little Nicky suddenly has a giant target painted on his ass. Jake controls the nervous one with exquisitely commanding strength and focus. Folding up Nicky’s legs and prying them upward in a nasty-looking backbreaker, Jake revels in the sight of the twink pounding his fists into the mat helplessly. “Eat the mat!” Jake chuckles as he shoves little Nicky’s face downward with his right forearm. A few seconds later, he’s tossed Nicky to his back, rolled him up with Nicky’s ass pointed at the ceiling, and pinned his shoulders to the mat for a leisurely three count pinfall with Cliff looking on from the ring apron in disgust.  “That’s how you do it in Jake Jenkin’s house!” Jake declares.

The start of round 2 finds wiry Nicky slipping behind Jake and wrapping a sloppy choke across the muscle stud’s throat. The look on J’s face is priceless (10:13), as he smirks at Coop and rolls his eyes in contempt for the twink backback he’s got on. A second later, he bends forward, sending unprepared Nicky head over heels and slamming to his back with a gasp.  As I said, little Nicky is the weakest link by far, both in selling and in keeping pace with quality wrestling of the other three. His primary arsenal is that schoolboy pin and flurry of fists to Jake’s pecs that he comes back to a couple times more. He takes some nice punishment, especially from Jake, and 7 times out of 10, he sells some satisfying suffering. But the pec punching offense wears a bit thin, and the boys-wonder thankfully make him pay for his lack of creativity.

The other three relative veterans dial up the storytelling, pretty much redeeming little Nicky’s performance as far as I’m concerned. While it’s primarily little Nicky punching Jake, Cliff gets in some gratuitous shots as well. When Coop tags in, he’s determined to even the score and defend his partner’s honor (now that’s sexy!). “You going to hit my guy like that!?” Coop shouts down into Cliff’s face, tit-for-tat schoolboy pinning the lean wrestler and delivering a barrage of retributive pec punches. Cliff is nearly pounded a couple of inches into the mat beneath Coop’s big, beautiful body and jabbing fists. “Yah!” Coop crows, climbing off his dazed opponent. “You aint hittin’ nobody now!

With little Nicky in his corner leaving the storytelling to more expert hands, Cliff battles his way back to his feet and drops big Coop with some choice strikes. “You slap me like a bitch, huh?” he growls furiously.

“You are a bitch!” Coop shouts from one knee, letting his mouth keep writing checks even while Cliff is cashing in on a growingly arrogant beatdown.

But it’s Jake’s mouth that works me hardest, as he jumps into the battle of words from his position in the corner, waiting to enter the fray. “Don’t let that flat chested bitch beat you!” he shouts encouragingly to Coop.

While this match is not seamless, and there are several moments when the boys have to remind one another where the story arc is taking them next, the final 45 seconds are beautifully executed and majorly hot. The muscle stud victors finally start firing on all cylinders, and with all 4 men in the ring at once, Jake and Coop deliver side-by-side, simultaneous offenses like synchronized swimmers.  With little Nicky draped across Jake’s huge shoulders like a mink stole, and bitter-in-defeat Cliff screaming in pain racked across Coop’s sculpted body, my anti-heroes delight in humiliating the outmatched, outmuscled team and, they absolutely pulse with testosterone as they flex and taunt overtop of the battered losers. Hot, hot story, boys!