Eli Black – Page 3 – Sidelineland

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

February 1, 2013July 1, 2013 wrestlebard2 Comments

February has arrived, and with it a horrendously difficult decision on my part when it comes to anointing a new homoerotic wrestler of the month. BG East alone pumped out an incredibly deep bench to draw from. Just sticking to the very, very top of the line wrestling that grabbed me hardest, I’m seriously drawn to finally put Kid Vicious where he belongs on the throne for his mouthwatering destruction of Len Harder in Ball Bash 3. Former HWOTM and current top contender for the title of my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler, Lon Dumont, worked nothing short of magic in his hilarious and incredibly sexy Hair Stakes match with frequent nominee for HWOTM, Ethan Andrews. Eli Black stuffs the ballot box with two hard hitting Gut Bash 10 matches, the most eye-catching for me pitting him against insanely sexy (and shoe-in for a starring role in Hair Stakes 2) Diego Diaz. Former HWOTM Aryx Quinn and Alexi Adamov put up an automatically iconic muscle on muscle ring battle in Ring Revenge, and in separate matches, former HWOTMs Denny Cartier and Jonny Firestorm are instant contenders for the title on that release as well (it would be a 3-peat for Denny!). I’ve already swooned publicly over two rookies who made my eyes pop out in their go-go boy beatdown in Motel Madness 12: Serbian sex god Arn Nedic and insanely beautiful babyface Brit Connor Cross. And speaking of big, big rookie splashes, the tidal wave set off from massively hairy beast Alain Leclair getting the hands-on welcome that only a devotee of homoerotic wrestling line Ben Monaco can give in Mat Scraps 2 tweaks my impulse to tap a rook. At Thunder’s Arena, a leaner vision of Z-Man is back against a thonged, bootilicous muscle boy by the name of Specimen in Mat Wars 37. Rock Hard Wrestling put out a lip-licking babyface muscle battle between Brodie Fisher (who needs to compete in a most luscious nipples contest with Mason Brooks) and Jason Kane in Strength and Struggle. RHW also celebrated the new year with a Brutally Bashed tag team match (always a score for me) that makes me award a second nomination for Ethan Andrews as well as Brit pugilist Will Stanley (I’m a sucker for an accent… and a lower abdominal tat… and muscles….). Muscle Domination Wrestling has been demanding some of my time recently with matches like mouthwatering daddy’s boy Damien Rush Piledriving the hell out of Tony Law, and an entrancing, nay, hypnotically wonderful performance piece starring Mr. Franchise Master Kevin as the Immortal Vampire to Damien Rush’s Renfield as a members-only release. Did I miss anyone? Probably. Sorry boys. My mind is already spinning out control with so much high class hotness to choose from. It’s not like any of the above fail to deliver exhaustingly satisfying homoerotic wrestling performances. But push, shove, and I’m forced to pick as the one homoerotic wrestler of the month…

5’6″, 135 pounds: Eli Black

… the first 3-peat winner of the Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month title, Eli Black.

Eli isn’t even at the same altitude as Latino giant Diego!

There’s more than a hint of a David v Goliath element about the confrontation between 5’6″ and 135 pounds of painfully lean fighting machine Eli Black and the 6’3″ and 184 pounds of long, luxurious, sculpted Latino lover Diego Diaz. Diego’s laughter rumbles from deep in his chest when Eli finally convinces him that he’s Diego’s opponent. The lightly hairy chested tallboy sucker punches the MMA fighter, lifts him off the top turnbuckle where Eli is perched, and quite literally flings Eli more than halfway across the ring. Holy fuck, the difference in size between these two wrestlers is astonishing!

Gorgeous Diego glistens as he owns Eli early on!

Early going, and this is all about Diego. He’s overwhelming. He bullies and outmuscles Eli like he’s pummeling a 3rd grader for his lunch money. The condensation drips slow and sticky off of Diego’s pouty lower lip as he scoffs at the gross ignorance of whoever thought to send this little kid into the fray against a hairy chested skyscraper of a hunk like him. He peels Eli up off the mat like snatching a lucky penny off the sidewalk. He flings him into the corner and completely overwhelms typically fiercely offensive (in many ways) Eli Black, leaving the anatomy chart of a battler wilting into the ropes. Eli’s chiseled abs are bright red within a couple of minutes of Diego’s massive mitts pounding them like a tough cut of beef. What the fuck were they thinking, indeed!?

Diego totally dominates and looks like a god as he does it!

The story they tell is more complex than this, but let me just cut to the point at which Eli persistently grabs me by the chin and yells in my face that he’s the only possible candidate for HWOTM. Diego is completely brutalizing “the kid.” It’s ugly, I tell you (in an awesome way). He’s twist-tied Eli into the ropes to stretch out those gorgeous abs and leave him wide open for the Latino heartthrob’s gargantuan fists to punch unobstructed. He’s picked the 135 pounder up and slammed him down to the mat over and over and over again. Then he drags Eli, nearly limp and mostly unable to defend himself, off the mat, wraps his huge hands around his throat, and then hoists Eli up in a pristine, jaw dropping overhead choke. A lesser man might have straight-armed Eli directly upward (it takes less strength), but fuck that. Diego holds Eli by nothing but his throat out in front of him a tad so he can watch the kid’s porcelain white face instantly flush dark red. Diego’s body, posed in this moment of total, unquestionable domination, is simply perfect. His gorgeous two handfuls of strong, round glutes; his tantalizing mouthful of a package; the sweat making his pecs glisten underneath his light coat of fur; his long, brown locks sticking damply to his temples; his gorgeous biceps bulging with the 135 pound deadweight hanging at his mercy in his fingers… this story is ALL about Diego. But then, beet red and eyes popping out of their sockets, Eli seems to snap. He shoves the palms of his hands against the Latino giant’s bulging shoulders, pushing their bodies apart just a few more inches. Diego still looks on, snarling insults, admiring the total control he has Eli under… until gracefully, Eli pries his right knee against Diego’s upper abs, swings his left foot backward, and finally drives his left knee sharply into the Latino’s long, long, long and lovely abdomen.

Eli snaps!

Words don’t do it justice, so let me just say that this incredible counter made me go back and watch it again and again, my heart racing harder every time. The athleticism throughout this match is mind boggling, and this particular moment is simply an astounding feat of strength, balance and coordination. The air comes rushing out of Diego’s lungs and, shocked, he drops Eli to the mat. Gulping on air, he tries to grab hold of the offense, and the story, again, but no doing. Hurricane Eli hits, and long, tall Diego’s got nowhere to go but down. He’s cornered, trapped, and pummeled.

Diego’s long legs miss their mark, but Eli’s don’t!

The story was Diego’s overpowering size and strength. The story becomes Eli’s lightning quick, laser beam focused kicks. Our 135 pound MMA champ has had enough of this shit. He got completely humiliated by Morgan Cruise his first time out of the gate. His second gut bash outing (the B-side to this DVD) demonstrated Eli’s complete technical superiority in every detail over mohawked muscle stud Joah Bindao, and still it’s Eli’s sweet ass choked out cold on the mat as Joah snarls and mutters incoherently in victory as he strides out of the ring. Third time isn’t just a charm for Eli, it’s his last straw as he opens up a can of full contact whoop ass on Diego that the Latino stud and everyone else in the world won’t soon forget.

Eli bruises the big man from the inside out!

I’m pretty sure that gorgeous Diego doesn’t take a full breath for the last 15 or so minutes of this match, because there isn’t more than a split second here or there that he doesn’t have one body part or another of Eli’s jabbed into his diaphragm. Turns out, all those overwhelming muscles don’t work so well when they’re deprived of oxygen! Eli is an absolute machine, and by machine I’m thinking of the homicidal computer Hal 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey. He’s focused. He’s relentless. His kicks are a blur. His punches sink in deep. And when Diego is flat on his back, gasping for air and bruised everywhere between his chin and his crotch, 135 pounds of Eli Black trampling his midsection is just big enough to make a big man wail.

Aren’t so big now, are you, Diego?

Yep. This is Eli Black’s story to tell, mother fuckers! Keeping the Latino sex kitten flat on his back leaves 5’6″ Eli towering over him, bashing and pummeling. Knees crash over and over into Diego’s gut. Eli nearly rips the long stud’s head off at the neck, wrenching Diego’s back apart vertebrae by vertebrae. Hurricane Eli just stops right over top of his opponent and blasts the Latin American landscape with blow after blow, leaving Diego with nothing to do but hunker down and pray he’s still alive once the storm finally passes.

Eli’s ass wants a recount for Best Butt of 2012!

Now I’d love to get my hands all over Diego’s body, but the meaner Eli gets and the harder his supernaturally lean body works, the more I can’t take my eyes off of him. That ass! His zero-bodyfat muscle glutes stretching well beyond the bottom of his baby blue trunks as he squeezes the steel cables of his legs in a nearly successful attempt to snap Diego in half are epic. I know some fans like their wrestlers bigger, heftier, whatever… and hell if I’m not right with you in crazy lust for the feel of Diego’s mountainous pecs in my hands, for example… but when Eli does what Eli does best, the eroticism of intensely aggressive ring wrestling sprinkled liberally with MMA strikes is homoerotic gold for me. His maniacally conditioned body is insanely fucking hot!

Eli’s rage has taken him over the edge

Eli breaks the once invincible big man down piece by piece in this relentless and increasingly vicious assault. Fuck it if anyone at BG East thinks Eli can’t handle himself in a Gut Bash. The man won Best Abs of 2012, for god’s sake! Perhaps it’s PTSD flashbacks to the Mastodon dripping sweat onto Eli’s quivering bod. Or maybe it’s the shame of having roused from his choke out humiliation at the hands of Joah. Whatever it is that motivates the depths he goes to against Diego (about 5 minutes past the point that he could have secured a half a dozen submissions if he’d bothered), Eli has snapped. Diego is a limp mess in one of the prettiest trees of woe I’ve seen. He’s got nothing to defend himself against Eli’s stomps and punches and knees. He’s done. Stick a fork in him. It’s over. And suddenly Eli dives out of the ring and sprints off camera, returning 10 seconds later with a medicine ball to pound into his opponent’s wide open abs for still further unnecessary brutality. No amount of destruction seems good enough. No humiliation, no act of glazed-eyed viciousness is sufficient.

This is Eli Black’s world!

Diego’s pleas for mercy fade as it’s obvious Eli can’t hear him through the ringing of rage filling his ears. Eli dives out of the ring and returns with a dumbbell from the weight rack. He drags Diego’s gorgeous ass to the middle of the ring and pounds the Latino’s quivering abs with it. Holy fuck, is Diego getting out of this alive!?!

Turns out, “little” Eli Black is just the right size to make Diego Diaz cry!

Diego’s fans need not worry too much, because he’s still breathing by the time Eli storms out of the ring having pounded away the memories of Gut Bashes past. Whether or not Diego has the guts, so to speak, to show his face in the BG East ring again, however, I can’t attest. I hope so. In my personal dictionary, his picture appears next to the entry, “eye candy.” But he was no match for a “little kid” 50 pounds lighter, who, once provoked, unleashed a Gut Bash like I’ve never seen before. I started out thinking that this was Diego’s story to tell, but I was wrong. It was Eli’s turn to strike back, and for the athleticism, the power, the intensity, and the physical perfection of a body whittled down to knowing but it’s singular purpose (ass-kicking), Eli Black is, yet again, my homoerotic wrestler of the month.

3-time homoerotic wrestler of the month: Eli Black

Fuck Concessions

January 25, 2013July 1, 2013 wrestlebard6 Comments

I love how technology and blogs have been increasingly bringing fans of homoerotic wrestling into closer proximity with homoerotic wrestlers. The first time I read one of Joe’s interviews with a wrestler, I was thrilled and inspired. I’m sure there are clock punchers in the business, but the revelation that some of our favorite wrestlers-for-gay-eyes enjoy the attention and appreciate the celebrity they possess within our circle of interest somehow sweetens the pot of the homoerotic wrestling industry. I think of the interviews I’ve had the opportunity to conduct as highlights of the labor of love that I invest in this blog. They’ve brought a welcome sense of humor and humanity to the fantasies I treasure of homoerotic wrestling, and, unexpectedly, they’ve made me a fierce advocate for fans treating wrestlers with common decency and plenty of respect.

Rio Garza – BG East’s Best Body of 2012

So when BG East’s Best of 2012 poll came out, and even more when I thought about the results as they were announced, it made me wonder what the objects of our popularity polls think of being ranked, ordered, and lauded or looked over. From the consumer side of homoerotic wrestling, I found the poll to be a very fun exercise in examining my own tastes in comparison with more than 500 or so other fans. But from the wrestler side of things, I had to wonder what the boys themselves thought of the exercise. Any gloating? Any hurt feelings?

Lon Dumont – Nominated for Top Heel, Best Body, Best Abs, Best Butt… but came out with a trophy

Hell YES! Lon Dumont sent me a text demanding a recount. I don’t know if a recount would help, but I’m entirely with him on finding the results unsatisfying when it comes to recognizing what an insanely hot wrestler he is! My hope is that, as he enters a new bodybuilding season in a few weeks, he’ll take this defeat at the BG East polls and turn it into gold on stage, and then bring in his bodybuilding trophies and shove them, and his bulging biceps, in the face of his next opponent.

Cameron Matthews asks you to just look at this photo and explain his absence from the nominees for best abs and best body

One of Lon’s buddies, Cameron Matthews, also was not pleased, despite anchoring Babyface Brawls 2, winner of best ring match. Cameron made one of the most compelling arguments against his exclusion from the categories of best abs and best body by simply posting to his blog this fucking gorgeous photo of himself from his recent wrestling trip to the UK, in which his unbelievably hot six-pack was doused in oil and on awesome display. Under the title “Best of 2012 Complaints,” Cam reviews the slights and mistake of the pollsters themselves. “Didn’t even make it into the finalist of Best Body 2012. 3rd Place as Top Babyface. Not ranked amongst Best Abs.” Even his razor thin loss to Kid Karisma in the Best Butt category merely inflamed Cameron’s outrage, prompting him to demand a recount. Personally, I think it’s a stroke of pure genius that Cameron has apparently been inspired by this miscarriage of justice to commit himself to earning the title of Best Heel of 2013. I’m wholeheartedly ready for him to earn my vote!

Eli Black won nearly everything he was nominated for… and still he’s pissed!

Even the overwhelming winners at the polls seem a little irked at some of the subtleties of the voting and commentary. I received this extensive text rant from Eli Black early yesterday morning, I’m sure at least in part in response to my gentle critique that Lon’s abs might merit more credit than Eli’s:

Trying to provoke Eli?!!!!! My abs are the very best abs in the wrestling seen these days!!!! 100% American Muscle!!!!! The votes were rigged!!!!! I won them all! I am the face wherever I go, hence why I am Mr. Primus, and I shutdown any compotition around me!!! Austin Cooper?!!! Kid Karisma?!!! For get about it! Eli Black all the way! I’m the champ, and no one’s dethroning me. End of story. My abs are chiseled by God himself!!!!! Picture perfect! No one else could even hold my jock strap!!!!! You people like to forget this is Eli Black’s world – y’all just live in it!

Hard to argue with, isn’t it? The mountain of exclamation points alone sort of beat you into submission similarly to the vicious beatings that Eli’s been pounding into the bodies of his opponents as of late. And seriously, what’s to argue with? Coop fans may want to quibble with the implication that Austin’s Wrestler Spotlight shouldn’t have garnered more votes than Eli’s. And I’m first in line to raise a skeptical eyebrow at Eli’s suggestion that his truly astonishingly gorgeous ass is definitively superior to the world class glutes that belong to Best Butt winner Kid Karisma. But Eli has a way about him of being so… persuasive. And I’d give my left testicle for a chance to see Kid K and Eli go ass-on-ass in the ring until one of them is, literally, submissively holding the winner’s sweat soaked jock strap. But scoring wins as Best Debut of 2012, Best Abs, and starring in the Best Mat Battle of the year, it’s hard to miss the ring of stark truth in Eli’s words: It’s Eli’s world, people. We just live in it!

A nod to the fans: Cameron Matthews is one of the many homoerotic wrestlers who appreciates being appreciated

Honestly, even with Eli’s full court press of a rebuttal to the poll results and my needling, every wrestler I’ve heard from has clearly taken the year end poll as a good bit of fun that they’re happy to be part of. And I love that about this community! Mix in homoeroticism, fanatical lust, larger than life personalities, drop dead gorgeous bodies, and a healthy dose of humor, and 2012 goes down in my book as a banner year for BG East and the entire homoerotic wrestling industry.

Best of…

January 22, 2013July 1, 2013 wrestlebard10 Comments

The best of BG East in 2012 poll results have been posted. Joe’s also posted a summary of the winners, implying that he and the popular vote may have parted ways at several points. Same for me, I think. Honestly, I can’t remember who I voted for in several categories, despite the fact that I voted just a few days ago. It’s probably the remnants of my anti-inflammatory and pain meds working their way out of my system.

Sexiest Match: StripStakes 3 – Morgan Cruise vs Damien Rush

I do like numbers though, and I’m happy to see a few more data points available than just who won. For example, Morgan Cruise’s rip ‘n strip ‘n force to cum rookie welcome of Damien Rush in StripStakes 3 scored the trophy for sexiest match in 2012, but check the stats. The match I voted for, Cage Thunder and Lightning Rod’s insanely sexy 2-on-1 destruction of achingly adorably Stinger in Masked Mayhem 9 was just 1 percentage point behind. I think the heat of this competition deserves seeing Cage Thunder and Lightning Rod tag team once again, this time against Morgan and Damien!

Best Mat Battle: Matie Rookies Eli Black v Jake Jenkins

I was with the herd in selecting best mat battle. Jake Jenkins and Eli Black’s Mat Rookie confrontation is a match I think will stand the test of time. And it was 20 percentage points ahead of 2nd place! When we do a best of the best vote for the next decade anniversary or 100th catalog of BGE, I think Jake and Eli could contend for the title against a broader field.

Best Ring Match: Babyface Brawls 2 Austin Cooper v Cameron Matthews

I can’t remember for certain, but I think my vote for best ring match went with runner-ups Jonny Firestorm and Jake Jenkins in Jobberpalooza 12: The Works, rather than category winners Cameron Matthews and Austin Cooper for Babyface Brawl 2. I wouldn’t argue with that outcome at all, really, even though just 5 percentage points separated 1st and 2nd place. I thought that was a very competitive category with several very worthy contenders.

Top Babyface: Jake Jenkins

For best babyface, I think I again went with the herd in picking winner Jake Jenkins who pulled it out by 6 percentage points over Austin Cooper. There are extremely fierce fans in both of these boys’ camps, so I’m not surprised they rose to the top. I’m sort of pleased that of the two, Jake topped Coop.

Top Heel: Jonny Firestorm

Honestly, I just can’t remember who I voted for top heel, but it could have been winner Jonny Firestorm who beat out equally likely candidate I may have voted for, Kid Karisma, by 11 points. Since there was no category for most mindblowing forearms (next year, people!), I’m glad Jonny tucked this one under his belt.

Best Squash: Jopperpalooza 12: The Works Jonny Firestorm v Jake Jenkins

Best squash was not close at all, but I sided with the 17% of decisively swung for Kid Karisma’s gorgeous, sexy beatdown on Skip Vance in Mat Mayhem 23 rather than category winner Jonny Firestorm and Jake Jenkins for Jobberpalooza 12: The Works. I’m glad The Works got a shout out somewhere in the poll results, though. And the writing was on the wall, really, with Jake voted top babyface and Jonny voted top heel!

Jobber of the Year: Rio Garza

Jobber of the year went to fan favorite Rio Garza by 9 percentage points over my pick, Skip Vance. Rio’s got an extremely loyal and not infrequently aggressive (to the point of rude) fan base that makes this result unsurprising to me. For my tastes, however, Skip is much more a classic jobber and entertaining sell. Rio’s awfully entertaining to watch job, too, though.

Debut of the Year: Eli Black

Again, I think was with the herd in picking Eli as the best debut of 2012 by 12 points over Damien, though this could easily have gone a different direction and I’d have been entirely on board. It feels like Eli’s been at BG East for years and years, which suggests to me why this was, as Eli would be happy to tell you, his year!

Best Spotlight Release: Wrestler Spotlight: Austin Cooper

Best spotlight release feature was an 11 point spread between Eli and category winner Austin Cooper. While this doesn’t surprise me, and if I were a betting man I’d have put money down and made money back on this outcome, I placed my vote for last place winner Denny Cartier because his Leopard’s Lair 4 anchor position was fucking AWESOME, and essentially 4 barnburner and brutal bouts for the price of 2. I love, love, love me some Denny Cartier and one of my fondest wishes for 2013 is to see him tap into a nasty streak and headline a new category for next year’s voting: best heel turn!

Best Abs: Eli Black

Best abs was a surprisingly (to me) narrow victory of 2 points by Eli over Jake. What makes for “best” when it comes to bodies and their parts is, obviously, subjective, however my vote went for Lon Dumont by a mile and a half. At the risk of pissing off Eli, I just have to say Eli’s phenomenal 8-pack seems to me to be about 60% conditioning and 40% mass, whereas Lon’s anatomy chart abdominals (the whole pacakge: serratus, obliques, abdomini) are a more aesthetically balanced and all around stunning beauty. I don’t begrudge Eli’s victory at all, mind you, but I just shake my head and contemplate my vast distance from the herd when I see that Lon placed last. For me and my tastes, I think this calls for a Lon v Eli gut bash in 2013.

Best Bulge: Mr. Joshua Goodman

I was, however, right in the middle of the pack in voting for best bulge winner (by 4 points) Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!), who slapped down his junk to power hit past Gabriel Ross’ anaconda. There wasn’t one candidate in this field that couldn’t easily own the title, and I’d go so far as to say that this year was a bumber crop of mountainous packages. Now the task for 2013 is for one of those club boys that he likes to take home and challenge to wrestle for the chance to put Mr. J on his knees, to literally shock the pants off of Mr. J and finally, finally, finally unleash the beast within. I guarantee I’ll buy three copies of that release!

Best Butt: Kid Karisma

Best butt was a horse race between category winner Kid Karisma and 2nd place finisher (by a nose) Cameron Matthews. While we can’t go wrong with any of the contenders for this title, I’m happy to admit I voted for and was campaign chairman for Kid K’s glorious glutes to grab this title. Again, I say, the ferocity of this competition clearly warrants a Kid K v Cameron rip ‘n strip ring battle to be decided by who makes whom kiss his ass. I’ll pay a premium for a front row seat to that one!

Best Body: Rio Garza

Best body again revealed the distance between me and the herd, with Rio Garza taking the title by 4 points over 2nd place Austin Cooper. Arguably, this could be the most subjective of all of these wildly subjective categories, because what bodies turn us on follow such divergent tastes in bodies among wrestling fans. If this were strictly about physical conditioning and muscle mass, the 2 bodybuilders at the bottom of the heap, Magnus and my choice Lon Dumont, could have easily vied for the top spots. Again, this line of reasoning makes my loins ache to see Magnus and Lon in a head-to-head catchweight ring match of bodybuilding beauties. However, 21% of fans preferred the body of beautifully proportioned, lickably smooth Rio, which I get, despite my tastes drawing me strongly elsewhere.

Hottest Liplock: X-Fights 34 Gabriel Ross and Drake Marcos

The final category placed me back among the masses in selecting the blazingly hot X-Fights 34 match between Drake Marcos and Gabriel Ross, obliterating the competition with 54% of the vote! Truth be told, I could easily be tempted to swing for the incredibly sexy and, yes, I’ll say it, wrestling romantic liplock that Enforcer slapped on Maskador in Masked Mayhem 10 as the ripped hunk hung battered and helpless in a tree of woe, halfway to being entirely unmasked. I admit it: I’ve also gotten off to that scene from Spiderman where Tobey Maguire hangs upside down, his masked half pulled off, as his co-star sucks hero face. Gorgeous fantasy! But holy hell, the heat generated by Drake and Gabriel could heat Reykjavik for year!

What a year! BG East pieced together an incredible collection of outstanding homoerotic wrestling, and all of the nominees and the entire catalog of 2012 releases deserves all this and much more credit. Nicely done, gentlemen!

Enjoy

January 20, 2013July 1, 2013 wrestlebard1 Comment

There are less than 12 hours for you to register your votes in BG East’s Best of 2012 poll, so get to it! My last post, urging you to fulfill your civic duty and vote, generated some consternation from a couple of folks concerned about my electioneering. I hear your concern, and I respect it. But I humbly point out, this isn’t rocket science. Have some fun with it, my friends. Campaign for your favorites. Enlist random friends to sign up and stuff the ballot box with your slate of picks. Lighten up and enjoy. It’s homoerotic wrestling, after all, and if there’s anything that should guide us in reflecting on it, it’s enjoyment.

Rio’s Bad Day: Nominee for Best Spotlight Release of 2012

More to the point, we the electorate can’t really go wrong in this one. Unlike national elections for public office, it’s not like there’s any one potential candidate who could rip apart the fabric of civil society. To assist, not to campaign, let’s take a look at the nominees for best abs as they appeared in 2012 releases. Seriously, there is no “wrong” choice to be made (and you can select a write-in candidate). So have at it!

And the nominees for Best Abs of 2012 are…

Eli Black

Austin Cooper

Alexi Adamov

Lon Dumont

Jake Jenkins

Winning the Hard Way

October 15, 2012July 1, 2013 wrestlebard5 Comments

Jake Jenkins is stunning to watch use those muscles to choke out Eli Black

Sometimes I think of myself as a homoerotic wrestling kink therapist. I often hear from wrestling fans who have questions and problems they want solved with regard to homoerotic wrestling. “Tell BG East to…” or “Why does Rock Hard Wrestling always…?” And not uncommonly, I get messages from readers who tell me that they “just need to vent.” For example, a reader and homoerotic wrestling fan recently “vented” to me in an email regarding a recurring frustration. Like me, he’s a major Jake Jenkins fan. And like me, he enjoys watching Jake kick ass. So when he sees a lot of JJ’s new releases in which the stud puppy clearly gets squashed, he’s irritated. This reader knows my recurring answer to these types of questions: tastes vary. Some of us likely get more kink for the buck to see a hot muscle kid like JJ dominated, while others of us get a harder push over the edge by watching handsome Jake on the conquering in of the equation. But this reader still questions what makes those on “the other side” tick, and what makes them want to see more and more of JJ getting owned.

Jake goes down in a puddle of sweat beneath a victorious Kid Karisma

This exchange brought to mind a similar brief correspondence I had with a reader several months ago, who asked me to exercise influence over Steel Muscle God to convince him to tape some wrestling action in which the godly one gets dominated. This is hardly the first time someone has vastly overestimated my influence. And it’s actually not the first time I’ve heard this particular plea. Personally, I LOVE watching SMG totally use an opponent, particularly one of those hot muscleboys he’s pummeled lately. There’s an absolutely intoxicating scene in SMG’s recent release of a ring “bout” in which he repeatedly sleepers a hot, hard hunk. He puts the fiesty stud out flat on this stomach, and I’m 110% on board with the sell that this is an actual choke out. The hunk goes limp like a noodle. And when SMG shakes and shoves him and rolls him over, the hottie looks absolutely out cold. SMG prods and pokes the unresisting hunk, standing over top of him and flexing his guns, leering down into his slack face, until finally after a half a minute or so, the vulnerable hunk of meat comes to. Fuck me there something so erotic about that little exchange!

Steel Muscle God wreaks divine justice all over another hot muscle buddy

But ripping myself back to my topic for today. Some readers have repeatedly complained that SMG “always wins.” Why doesn’t he star in a muscleboy-in-trouble-scenario for those desperately waiting for him to stroke that g-spot where many fans get topped off by the powerful muscle stud shocked, laid out and humiliated? For the record, SMG has said that he does have a wrestling match in which he “loses,” but I haven’t actually seen it (I think you have to buy it separately from the membership site, and I’m too frugal). But the issue seems to be repeated from many of my kink therapy clients: “my getting off on a homoerotic wrestling match requires that my primary object of lust win (or lose).”

Brad Rochelle wrote the book in making a muscleboy loser epically homoerotic.

And both of these conversations call to mind still another set of exchanges I’ve had with a long-time commentator and avid student of homoerotic wrestling who more than once has chided me that I’m too focused on who wins and who loses. What tweaks the subconscious wrestling kink, he argues, is almost entirely unrelated to specifically whose shoulders are pinned to the mat or which hunk sobs, “I give!” The passion play that homoerotic wrestling presents us is about themes broader than the specific “winner” or “loser,” like broken egos, revenge on bullies, the battle of might versus right, or our personal secret longings to be dominated or to dominate. And, this commentator has also argued, it’s about much more specific elements than the literal “win” as well, such as the particular sell of suffering, how persuasively we’re sucked into longing to see someone punished, the precise angle at which a wrestler’s lower back is pried backward in a Boston crab that convinces us he’s hurting while simultaneously displaying is gorgeous body and bulging package so tantalizingly. There’s definitely the school of thought that literal “winning” and “losing” is almost entirely beside the point.

Brad Rochelle also looks GORGEOUS milking victory out of Patrick Donovan’s withering body!

I’ve pushed back against that hard line. I think the drama of coming out on top is very central to what strokes my homoerotic wrestling kink. The notion of two powerful men, both fully expecting to be top-stud as they climb into the ring is precisely the tension that thrills me. One of them will end up defeated, knocked down a peg, put in his place, while the other will stride out of the ring victorious, top dog, in control. Turn this into a non-competitive, everybody wins, nobody loses, passionless dance of pretty bodies, and I might as well be watching a yoga class, which even when the bodies are smoking hot, it’ll never do for me what a hot wrestling match does.

Pectacular Patrick Donovan also looks dizzyingly hot slapping down a humiliating victory all over Z-Man’s beautifully vulnerable muscle-bod.

And then there’s one last mental association I’m having with all of this talk of winners and losers. At the BGE Headquarters discussion group, someone who has frequently commented on this blog wrote a seemingly straightforward opinion, suggesting that he’d prefer the initial photo galleries in the membership site of BGE not “give away” which wrestler wins and which one loses. He suggested that he’d prefer to maintain the suspense, particularly for those matches that he’s planning on purchasing. Give him enough time to get the new release shipped to him before revealing who ends up top dog.

Z-Man can also delight in victory as he rips apart loser muscle boy Brody Hancock

Personally, I think this sounds entirely reasonable and well-reasoned. However, another commentator left a bizarrely mismatched diatribe mocking anyone who could “believe these matches aren’t fake.” This commentator prejudices his own oddly aggressive response by tying them to appalling politics, but my point is actually not his apparent political self-hatred. My point is really that he misses the point entirely. The point is not how choreographed wrestling-for-pay may be in any given example. The question of wanting to milk the suspense of not knowing who wins is wholly unrelated to whether the wrestlers or promoters are staging the matches as melodramas rather than as Olympic sport. It seems to me that the investment many of us have in winners or losers in homoerotic wrestling is entirely about how wrestling speaks directly to our erotic fantasies, not some “objective” evaluation of who, in a fair fight, would kick whose ass.

Babyface Brody Hancock also make victory look so, so sexual when he puts magically nippled muscle hunk Cody Nelson on his back for good.

Suspense, anticipation, the establishment of tension in the plot, the development of compelling characters who establish motivation and commit to their particular roles… these are essential elements of satisfying homoerotic wrestling as far as I’m concerned. However much a pretense it appears in any given match, the context of combat is a core component of what turns me on and tops me off as a homoerotic wrestling fan. It isn’t so much who would win in an actual barroom brawl (not at all, really), but who tells a provocative story about passion and heat, power and strength, skill and strategy, muscle and beauty, and, without a doubt, winning and losing.

Sweat soaked and savoring victory, Cody Nelson titillates musclebully fans when he crushes handsome, lanky, lovely Christian Taylor aka Chris Cox.

So why do some JJ fans never seem to get tired of seeing him humiliated and defeated? Why are others desperate to watch him use those gorgeous muscles of his to pick apart and make another hunk his bitch? How are some fans filled up on a steady diet of SteelMuscleGod owning one opponent after another, while others are insanely aching to see SMG crushed and dominated? I think this state of affairs is simply the landscape in which we live as homoerotic wrestling fans. Our fantasies vary, even as we share a common passion for the eroticism of wrestling drama. It seems clear to me that winning and losing is far from beside the point, and who wins and who loses is directly and intimately tied to what strokes many of us hardest. It’s not that we’re naively buying into the competitive pretense of wrestling-for-pay. I for one love watching Olympic wrestling, but the hottest amateur match is only a fraction as sexy as even the average homoerotic wrestling product as far as I’m concerned. Explicitly homoerotic wrestling is much bigger than the raw rules and tests of strength and skill of amateurs, and more importantly, the point is entirely different. The point of amateur wrestling is entirely winning and losing. But the point of homoerotic wrestling is to get you and me off, and while it’s not the whole story, the drama of winning and losing is one of the elements that makes wrestling the kink that defines me (and many of you!).

For my tastes, Christian never looked hotter than when he brutalized his lover and rumored-to-be tag team partner Skip Vance, tying together homo, erotic, and wrestling in as beautiful a bow as any victory ever has!

Dinner Date Chosen

September 13, 2012July 1, 2013 wrestlebard1 Comment

Cam’s the dinner date of choice!

The commanding winner in the reader’s choice poll to determine which homoerotic wrestler readers would most want to have visit their homes for dinner was none other than wrestling hunk extraordinaire Cameron Mathews. He crossed the finish line with 36% of the vote, which is a decisive testimony to the loyal fans he’s earned from working that gorgeous bubble butt of his off from coast to coast and production to production over the past decade. He held steady at or around 50% of the vote through most of the two days that the poll was open, in fact, looking like he was going to blow away his next closest competition by more than double. However, just this morning, with mere hours left to vote, shit got interesting!

Skip convinces Christian that he’ll show up for dinner with a fan too!

That’s when fierce little scrapper Skip Vance put out a message on Facebook lobbying his fans to mount a come from behind maneuver on Cam (and who among us haven’t fantasized about a come from behind maneuver on Cam!?). Skip offered one fan selected at random to be treated to a dinner made by his own hands if he ends up on top of the polls once all is said and done. He instantly got a bump, pulling ahead of Kid Karisma for second place. When Skip added that both he and former homoerotic wrestler of the month and Skip’s lover, Christian Taylor, would sit down to said dinner with the randomly selected fan, the sprint to the finish line was on! He began to close the distance with Cam at such a pace that I was seriously beginning to suspect a photo finish. While Cam limped across the line with the decisive victory, nobody was stronger around the last turn than hot and eager Skip! As to whether he’ll still auction off a dinner date, we’ll have to wait and see.

Kid Karisma can’t believe you left him in 3rd place!

Third place winner and party-boy muscle stud Kid Karisma has got to be scratching his head right about now wondering how he not only got outpaced by Cam but blown-by flat footed by late bloomer Skip! Somehow, I’m guessing with his life-of-the-party karisma and astonishingly sexy body (look… at… that… ASS!!!), Kid K has never been short of dinner invitations. If he’s ever in need of a hot meal and adoring company, he’s got a place at my table anytime. As for restraining myself from putting my hands on those glutes, no promises, Kid K.

Dinner? Steel Muscle God Dan may be too busy being worshipped!

Not surprisingly, Steel Muscle God Dan had a very solid showing in the poll. It’s not surprising because if you spend any time at all at steelmusclegod.com, you pick up on the fact very quickly that Dan’s got a worldwide following of extremely rabid fans who are very, very loyal to SMG. If he’d put out the call to his worshippers to really mobilize the vote, I strongly suspect he’d have put some hurt on even Cam. I’m not too worried that SMG’s ego will take a hit for not winning the reader’s choice poll here. He’s got muscles of steel, for god’s sake, and the self-confidence to strip naked and demand to be worshipped. However, if he’s ever in the neighborhood and feeling peckish, he can take solace in the fact that I’ll be more than happy to set another place at the table.

“A Fabulous Dinner Date!”

Through back channels I was delighted to hear that Lon Dumont had an opinion on the matter. His opinion was, of course, that he’d make a “fabulous dinner date!” He also mentioned that since he’s been dieting like a fiend in preparation for the bodybuilding season about to commence any minute, he could seriously put 2nds and 3rds away right now, so plan ahead if you invite him to dinner. Lon knows that he has a standing invitation to my table, and I’m also ever ready to apply his instant tan all over every inch of his body before any and every competition (which wasn’t up for consideration in the poll, but I just wanted to make that point clear).

Not everyone could handle an evening with Eli Black

I’m guessing Eli Black knows full well why he didn’t win. You were too fucking scared of him! Truth be told, despite his expansive ego and fiercely competitive spirit when it comes to absolutely everything, I just bet that the Shutdown would completely charm the pants off you if you had him over for dinner. Of course, the poll wasn’t about who you’re ready to take your pants off for, but even keeping my pants on, I’d be delighted and honored to pass Eli the mashed potatoes.

Darius “BMG” is looking for a taste of SMG!

Darius had a solid showing in the poll, reflecting what I happen to know is a loyal base of fans who’ve been wanting to see more of this Black Muscle God – more screen time and more skin! Darius let it be known that he doled out his vote for Steel Muscle God, because despite SMG being a no-show to face Darius stateside, Darius still has his sights set on an epic showdown between the Steel Muscle God and the Black Muscle God. Fuck the poll! I’ll push my furniture to the walls to watch that battle of the gods live!

Is that Chris Isaak? No, it’s hot jobber Ken Canada!

Long-time friend and contributor to this blog, Stay Puft, let it be known that he simply had to register his vote for energizer bunny and possessor of endless hotness and stories of hotness, Ken Canada. He never picked up traction in the polling, but I have to agree with S.P. when he points out that Ken’s sense of humor and enthusiastic understanding of the eroticism of wrestling would make him a truly entertaining dinner date!

Cage Thunder is busy serving up some meat of his own

I happen to know that Cage Thunder registered his vote in the poll for Lon. Get those two bull dozers on the same page and I can’t imagine what tag team would dare step foot in the ring with them. But around the dinner table, I can’t help but figure that meal would go into the wee hours of the morning as these two profoundly reflective men trade wit and wisdom from never-ending reserves. Personally, I’m a little astonished Cage Thunder didn’t show better in the polling, and I have to chalk it up to Eli’s theory that there were just a whole lot of you too damn frightened to sit across the table from him. Not me. He’s got a standing invitation at chez Bard.

Don’t bother Ben with dinner invitations. He’s building a wrestling career, people!

The rookie sensation with magical lips, Ben Monaco never managed to build a head of steam in voting. Big Ben is brand spanking new to the industry, of course, so pitting him against absolute fixtures in homoerotic wrestling like Cameron Mathews was always going to be an uphill battle for him. My educated guess is that Ben isn’t surprised at all that he wasn’t the top vote-getter, and if anything he’s just that much more eager to plant his hot ass on another opponent’s face and absolutely make you forget all about the rest for a moment and marvel at him as he tests what he’s got against the best at BGE. Ben knows he’s just at the beginning of an incredibly sexy, demanding journey into our hearts, but as for me I’ve got a casserole and a bottle of wine just waiting for him.

Reader’s Choice Poll – Dinner Date

September 11, 2012July 1, 2013 wrestlebard4 Comments

When asked which presidential candidate they would prefer to visit their home for dinner, 52% of respondents named President Obama, compared with just 33% of them selecting $omney. Personally, I think this is the most useless polling question to be asked every four years, but sadly the American electorate seems to consistently prioritize this kind of popularity contest over actual qualifications for leading this country (foreign policy experience? a grasp of the legislative process? the capacity to make life-and-death decisions with regard to the use of military power and weapons of mass destruction? no, we’re more likely to vote based on who we’d prefer to have dinner with… oy). That’s enough of my political analysis for today, other than to alert my Swedish readers once again that if Tax-Dodger $omney is elected in November, I expect one of you to sponsor me as a political refugee.

I say let’s save such weighty questions like who we’d prefer to visit our homes for dinner for really important matters, like considering our favorite homoerotic wrestlers. Sure, dinner table repartee isn’t exactly all that relevant to what compels us most in picking our homoerotic wrestling fare, but I still say it’s more relevant to wrestlers than politicians. So this reader’s choice poll asks you to consider who you’d most prefer to have over for dinner. I’m limiting the field to those who’ve demonstrated at least a little of their communication skills by being interviewed on the pages of this blog. You can nominate someone else in the comments below, but the names on the poll are strictly drawn from the “friends of the blog” on record. This is about the dinner table, mind you. Don’t base your choice on who’d you prefer to make you suffer in a head scissors in the living room after dinner. We’re talking about an evening absent of actual wrestling (though of course the dinner conversation is entirely available to muse on the topic). We’re also not talking about who you want to fuck. This is an evening in which no semblance of sexual contact is going to happen. You can decide how to instruct your dinner guests with regard to attire, so you can eye-fuck them across the table all night long, but physical contact is limited to handshakes and, let’s just say, a lingering, full-body hug to say goodnight (no ass squeeze!). The real question is who would you like sitting across the table from you to talk with, to ask for their insights, to tell them what’s on your mind, to wax philosophical about wrestling or politics or religion or whatever topic the two of you want to talk about. So that’s the background. Here are your choices of dinner guests:

Lon Dumont: the first wrestler to grant me an interview a year and a half ago, Lon’s body and wrestling skills have earned him a permanent spot at or very near the top of my favorites ever since I first set eyes on him. His ring banter was one of the most entertaining and arousing aspects of his work that captured my attention and keeps me coming back for more. But his interview was a revelation into the diverse passions and thoughtful, open-minded outlook on life that make me think Lon would make an absolutely delightful dinner guest. Topics you would most likely find yourself discussing: bodybuilding, pets, indy wrestling, homoerotic wresting, hairstyles, freedom from religion, and Rocky.

Ken Canda: this classic from the early days of BG East has his picture next to the definition of the phrase: hot jobber. His wrestling is foundational watching for those with any interest in seeing the evolution of the pro wrestling babyface jobber into an entirely unique and incredibly arousing fixture tailored to the tastes of the gay wrestling kink audience. No, you DON’T get to pound him in an OTK backbreaker and claw his balls, though under different circumstances, I suspect he may very well be open to it (so save it for your second date). But as evidenced in his extensive interview on the pages of this blog, Ken is happy to stroll down memory lane and tell you absolutely intoxicating tales of behind the cameras shenanigans from the early days at BGE, including delightful descriptions of every wrestler he faced and just how incredibly arousing it was to be brutalized over and over again. You will hear about the esprit de corps that forged bonds of brotherhood and homoerotic beauty among the men who truly enjoyed each other’s company on and off camera, as well as the insights of a fellow wrestling kinkster who continues to live and love the eroticism of wrestling whenever he gets the chance.

Kid Karisma: As he explained in our interview last January, there’s a reason the Boss gave him the moniker Kid Karisma! While you won’t have the chance to get your hands on that legendary muscle ass of his over dinner, you can get lost gazing into those baby blues and have your feet swept right out from underneath you (metaphorically) by that sly, sideways grin and a wink from the man who is as charismatic as they come! He’ll entertain you with the extremely hot candid photos he takes with his phone, and just between the two of you, he’s likely to spill all the dirt on the best, baddest, horniest and hottest action to go on behind the scenes at BG East. I recommend not serving your best china, because I’m guessing this insatiable party boy could be dancing on the table before dessert!

Eli Black: a wrestling match with this hot young phenom would put you on your back in a heartbeat, but a no-holds dinner date with the boy wonder would, no doubt, just as surely keep you on your toes. As I learned first hand in our interview last February, he’s got an in-your-face charm that I personally find completely disarming, but don’t let your defenses down too quickly. Eli is not a man to be trifled with, and polite chit chat about the weather or the price of tea in China will earn you a withering insult and sneer of contempt. But if you’re up for a dinner guest who loves a debate, who wants nothing more than to meet the man who’ll give as hard as he gets, and who never, ever tires of talking about the most important topic of all: himself; then Eli may be your man. I’m also guessing he’ll have his shirt and pants off in a heartbeat if you show a little interest in his ink (but remember, you don’t get to touch, just admire hands-free).

Steel Muscle God “Dan”: SMG rocked my world when he agreed to chat with me about the life of an online bodyworship phenom with an innate understanding of wrestling kink. While you are not allowed to lick his steel muscles from head to toe during this dinner date, I guarantee you that you’ll feel a stirring deep down in your pants the moment he opens his luscious lips and growls out his erotically charged baritone. Seriously, this man oozes sexiness. He could make me cum by reading the phonebook, and I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t come back for more of the same as soon as I reloaded. Although you can’t touch it, SMG is an unapologetic exhibitionist, so whatever attire you specified, plan on seeing him take it off before the meal is over. Be prepared to laugh a lot, because he’s got an entrancing sense of humor, and he’s the only hot bodied hunk I know with both the balls to take our money to worship his naked body AND poke fun at himself. Conversation is likely to revolve around friends, working out, and censorship on the net, but seriously… just shut the fuck up, watch his gorgeous lips move, and let that voice transport you to your fondest fantasies.

Skip Vance: although I haven’t enjoyed a full-length interview with him yet, Skip did considerately take the time to give me some on-the-record feedback on my take on his real life lover and rumored-to-be tag team partner, former homoerotic wrestler of the month Christian Taylor. An unapologetic jobber with a crazy lust for getting his hot bod bashed mercilessly, he’s off limits for you to dish out any of your own corporal punishment you’ve been inspired to fantasize about after watching Skip at work! But I can guarantee you that you’ll definitely hear him gush about his life of domestic bliss with Christian (including their private wrestling routines), his fierce lust for wrestling, and the catalog of crushing humiliation he’s suffered at the hands of… well, everyone! Don’t be surprised to also get a strong dose of workers’ rights and musings on healthy cooking, because he’s one well-rounded babyface masochist!

Ben Monaco: in our interview in June, Ben gave neverland readers a glimpse into what it’s like for a new kid on the block to get “discovered” by the star-makers at BG East. His hungry lips are completely off limits to you this night, mind you, but perhaps you’ll decide to serve popsicles for desert so you can watch him wrap those baby’s around something long and suck it hard. He’s a new face in the homoerotic wrestling universe, but I can assure you that you’ll enjoy plenty of delightful insights into erotic wrestling from him. Ask him about the gallons of sweat he drenches his opponents with… go ahead, I dare you, because after listening to him describe his body slipping and sliding across his opponent’s drenched muscles, you’ll be politely excusing yourself to take care of a pressing need that’s arisen in your crotch. If you can convince him that you can keep a secret, he’ll tell you straight up who’s doing what on camera and off, and he’ll give you his unvarnished opinion on the ranks he’s still working to rise within.

Cage Thunder: my interview in July was just the tip of the iceberg about knowing the man beneath the mask. You know you want him to knee you in the balls and crush your face into his crotch as you grovel in front of him, but none of that is allowed on this dinner date! So take a cold shower and pick out your finest mask to wear, because Cage Thunder is a class act who’ll demand the best. Points of discussion to prepare for: wrestling, gear, New Orleans, erotica, boys he’s bashed, boys he’s still waiting to bash, the existential implications of all of the above… If you’re daring, though, you’ll just mention the name “Mitch Colby,” and then sit back and watch the sparks fly for hours on end!

Darius: also granting me an interview in July, bodybeautiful private wrestling hunk turned BG East muscle beast, Darius would be a charming dinner date, I’m certain. There’s just something about him that makes me think of the word “gentlemanly.” If it’s the custom in your house, I expect he wouldn’t think twice about taking his shoes off when entering. Hell, tell him it’s the custom in your house and I bet the beautiful hunk of muscle would take all his clothes off to show you your proper respect, because he’s not shy for an instant about showing skin! Working out, the underground wrestling circuit, his plans to destroy SMG in body and soul… all these are likely topics you’ll cover over the course of the evening, but the only thing you’ll remember when the napkins are put down and the last of the wine gone is falling into those gorgeous eyes and watching his knee-buckling sexy lips move as he talks to you. Go ahead and tell him it’s the custom in your house that dinner guests flex for their dessert. Darius is not a man to neglect the niceties!

Cameron Mathews: just last month I interviewed your final option for a dinner date with a homoerotic wrestler. I know you want Cam and Lon to show up together, preferably to reprise their indy wrestling days and wrestle one another in your living room, but it’s not going to happen this time! If it’s Cam who strikes your fancy, just remember you can look at that legendary bubble butt, but you can’t touch! He’s pretty much the epitome of a babyface, but don’t think for an instant that you’ll have some naive kid tucking his napkin in his shirt and asking you to pass the ketchup for his filet mignon. This veteran of nearly every production company across homoerotic and straight-up independent wrestling known to man has seen it all, and if you’re ready to show him his proper respect, I bet he’ll keep the conversation lively with stories from the long road of making a living with a passionate love of wrestling, a hot body, and boyish good looks. If you’re looking for reflections on post-Marxist critical philosophers, Cam may not be your man, because he lives, breathes, eats and drinks nothing but wrestling, my friends. But if it’s every aspect of wrestling from coast to coast, hardbody to doughboy, ring to mat, jobber to heel that will delight you, then you can’t go wrong with picking Cam.

Register your vote at the right. Only one vote per person (this is highly scientific!). Polls close in 2 days. Lobbying for your choice in the comments below is strongly encouraged.

Making Jake…

September 10, 2012July 1, 2013 wrestlebardLeave a comment

After reading my first edition of the a-b-c’s of Making Jake…, Eli Black put me on notice that a little love for JJ is okay, but not to be distracted from appreciating Primus. Having duly noted Eli’s words of caution, here are my next Making Jake… contributions: letters F through J.

Making Jake…

“F” is for flex: the sight of Christian Taylor’s destruction compels Jake to do it in Wet and Wild 6

…flex! While I’d pay a premium to see Jake in “forced to flex” scenario, it’s still delightful to see him look down at the work he’s wrought, such as brutally bashing a whimpering submission from former homoerotic wrestler of the month Christian Taylor, and finding himself irresistibly compelled to plant his left foot on his vanquished opponent and display the very same sweetly sweat-soaked muscles credited with crushing the hopes of another hot hunk. His sight of his opponent’s vulnerability, anguish, and impotence grab hold of his full attention and make Jake flex.

“G” is for grovel: Jayden Mayne makes Jake do it in Gazebo Grapplers 13

… grovel. Jake does dozens of things extremely well (thus the premise for this series of posts), but I have to say I think at or very near the top of the list is his incredibly evocative groveling. He’s such the hunky high-school hero turned cocky homoerotic wrestling stud puppy! Every Jake-match starts with him in the foreground and his cool, calm, supremely confident self-assurance in his destiny to sit on top of the heap in the background. This makes it that much more moving to watch when a long, lanky, young tattooed punk like Jayden Mayne manages not only to get the upperhand on the high school hero (who almost certainly gave skinny kids like Jayden swirlies in the boys bathroom not long ago), but to to put Jake on his hands and knees, controlling the handsome hunk by a handful of hair, and make Jake grovel!

“H” is for horny, which Jake can handle all by himself!

… horny. So it’s totally true that, other than a youthful indiscretion captured on digital recording that I’ve promised him not to name here, Jake’s on-camera career has stayed firmly on the PG-rated side of the homoerotic wrestling pool. For all of the thousands of gay men who Jake expertly turns on at the drop of a hat, my well-educated guess is that off the clock he probably satisfies himself by bedroom wrestling with some phallic-deficient beauty(ies). I swear to you that the boy with the luscious lips is packing major league heat, but he keeps his powertool safely tucked away in everything we’ve seen of him in the homoerotic wrestling universe. But this behind-the-scenes shot from BG East of Jake playing with his nipples is a nothing short of fucking art! Because if anyone can turn Jake on, it’s Jake. Putting the self-stimulated into homoerotic wrestling, Jake’s the man to make Jake horny!

“I” is for incapacitated: Eli Black doe it to Jake better than just about anyone

… incapacitated. A wise, albeit verbose commentor told me once (and then a thousand times) that the winning formula in homoerotic wrestling is taking a gorgeous, powerful muscle stud and watch all those muscles made impotent (which is my runner-up for the “i” category in this series). While I quibble with the notion that there’s just one formula for hot wrestling, seeing bromantic Eli Black shove Jake’s head between his thighs and nearly rip Jake’s arms out by the shoulders while Jake’s breathtaking bare ass writhes and wriggles pointlessly is like a direct shot of adrenaline to my wrestling kink. There are fewer scenes more provocative than watching someone make Jake incapacitated.

“J” is for jump: Cliff Johnson absolutely demands just that from resident “little fucking monkey”

… jump! Jake’s compulsion to fly is precisely what prompted Kid Karisma to refer to him as that “little fucking monkey” in our interview last January. “I have never seen someone jump around as much as him,” Kid K marveled. The first time I saw Jake wrestle, my initial snap judgment was that he had amateur wrestling cred which would translate to underwhelming entertainment value in the pro wrestling ring. Right about the time that thought occurred to me, Jake came bouncing off the ropes both feet first to land a totally respectable and highly entertaining flying drop kick! Of course, not every match makes Jake jump. But in the pro ring, in firm possession of the match momentum, all it takes is some over-confident, flat-footed, unsuspecting hardbodied hunk standing in front of him to make Jake jump!

Evoking Eli

August 26, 2012July 1, 2013 wrestlebardLeave a comment

I always feel a little intimidated when I hear from Eli Black, which, frankly, is how I assume he likes it. He’s equal parts over-the-top ego, stunningly hot physique, and seriously devastating wrestler. He’s a force of nature, I think, and resisting him is a little like shaking your fist at a hurricane. So when Eli says that if anyone deserves an a-to-z montage of the wonders of his wrestling range, it’s him… well, who am I to argue? I’ve still got more “Making Jake…” lined up, but in honor of Eli Black reminding us that not only does he read homoerotic wrestling blogs, but he desires, nay, demands the loyalty of his gay fans, I’m more than happy to inaugurate a new series all about the a-b-c’s of Eli Black. Here’s to evoking Eli’s…

… arrogance.

Appropriately enough, let’s start with the arrogance that Jake Jenkins evokes from Eli. I have to guess these two hardbodied hunks would have quite the bromance if it weren’t for the deep seated need that they both have to be the undisputed top dog. Hell, it was Jake who complained last winter when I presented a reader’s choice poll for the hottest, most promising rookie in homoerotic wrestling, but forgot to list Eli on the ballot. When they first met at Rock Hard Wrestling, Jake came out on top in the end, but all along the way, he managed to evoke from Eli some of the sweetest, most compelling arrogance I’ve seen in the ring in a long time.

… barbarity.

JJ and Eli stirred up still more of that primal chemistry when the mad geniuses at BG East threw these two polecats into the mat room together for Mat Rookies 1. Sure, it started out nice and friendly-like. But when the singlets came off and the shit got personal, holy hell if beautiful Jake didn’t evoke in Eli a raw, fierce barbarity that takes my (and Jake’s) breath away!

… consternation.

By no means has it all come up roses for Eli, perhaps suffering his most humiliating defeat at the hands of heel-rising Morgan Cruise in Gut Bash 9. An accomplished MMA fighter like Eli would have no idea to expect he’d be brutally speared by the Mastodon and then brutalized for an eternity as Morgan targeted Eli’s “picture perfect abs.” You can just read it on Eli’s face halfway through his utter destruction. This just wasn’t the way it was supposed to be! Morgan did a whole lot of things to Eli in that match, but perhaps most delightfully, he evoked Eli’s consternation.

… despair.

Eli Black is not a man familiar with defeat. Having chatted with the young hunk a couple of times, I’m also convinced that Eli’s sincerest wish is to pair his irrepressible desire to dominate with his fiercely loyal and lustful base of gay fans who study his every move and flex in infinite and intimate detail. So when shockingly forced to submit, or as when he met Jake for the first time in the ring at Rock Hard, going down in the best out of three falls, the pathos is thick and moving when Eli clutches his battered abs and covers his eyes as if to prevent himself from seeing his own destruction (and from being seen by the Eli loyalists lining up to watch his amazing ass!). Once again, hand it to Jake Jenkins to draw out something stunning, totally arousing, and perfectly pitched for the wrestling kink audience when Jake so powerfully evoked Eli’s despair!

… euphoria.

Eli’s Wrestler Spotlight collection is a prized possession of mine. Personally, I’ve lingered long and hard on the match in the middle of the line-up, in which stunningly beautiful rookie Victor Paz turns out to be not only bigger than ripped Eli, but nearly as experienced in MMA, making the friendly mat tussle turn into an incredibly arousing display of holds slipped on with grace and then joints stretched to the edge of human endurance mercilessly. But I’ve heard from at least 5 different people for whom it’s Eli’s 3rd match in that set, against bubble-butted little beauty little Lorenzo Lowe that worked them by far the hardest. Maybe it’s precisely because Lorenzo isn’t nearly a hardbodied hunk like Eli’s other opponents… perhaps it’s the doe-eyed fearlessness with which he starts the match and make’s Eli scoff… or maybe it’s the surprising success the beautiful babyface has in locking Eli up and planting that gorgeous bubble butt on Eli’s face… but whatever it is, it’s hard to miss the furrowed brow, closed eyes, and awe-struck slack jaw that washes over Eli with Lorenzo’s handsome face finally tucked up so nice and tight between Eli’s steel cable thighs, leaving the scarlet-faced rookie with a super-close-up of that amazing ass (count me majorly jealous!). Sweet Lorenzo (who I swear looks an awful lot like my first boyfriend) evokes a whole lot from Eli, but what a payoff to see him evoke Eli’s euphoria!

Got your own abc’s of Evoking Eli? Send them my way, preferably with a pic to illustrate them, and I’ll pass along your keen eye and literary savvy in a future post. In the mean time, for the record, let me just reiterate the obvious. This is Eli Black’s world, bitches. We just (fortunately) live in it!

Evoking Eli

August 22, 2012July 1, 2013 wrestlebard1 Comment

Eli & Jake don’t stay in their singlets long in Mat Rookies 1

I got a message this morning from none other than 2-time homoerotic wrestler of the month and all around homoerotic wrestling stud extraordinaire, Eli Black. It seems that Blogger was acting up (yet again) and not allowing Eli to post a comment to my recent post on “Making Jake…,” the a-b-c’s of Jake Jenkins in action. Here’s Eli’s 2 cents on the subject (or, knowing Eli, let’s just agree that the value of his thoughts are priceless):

Hey I got a comment for your Jake Jenkins post! So, ok, it was all nice to give someone else the spotlight, but enough is enough! Eli Black is here to turn your frowns into cheers! I could totally write a book, nay, a bible on the Eli Black abc-to-z’s! 1) It’s Eli Black’s world, in case you forgot. 2) I’m the best there is, plain and simple, and 3) I will be until anyone else can beat me fairly! Finally, 4)(z) my picture perfect abs, followed by my amazing ass! Point proven!!!

The extensive rivalry and, at the same time, grudging respect between Eli and Jake has been extensively documented. But it seems there’s a limit to the Eli’s willingness to let Jake soak up the attention! Fuck, I love it when my favorite homoerotic wrestlers grab us by the ears and demand our total loyalty!

Eli puts Jake in his place!

As is my way, I absolutely have to parse out Eli’s comment in agonizing detail. My first observation is that some smart-ass might try to point out that Eli seems to be confusing a-b-c’s with 1-2-3’s. I, however, could easily picture me getting my ass kicked for being that particular smart ass, so I’m on board with any way at all that Eli wants to countdown his credentials to utter greatness!

“…Primus, meaning number one!”

I’m also compelled to point out that a wrestler who goes out of his way to trash talk even the mere musing of fans about other wrestlers is h-h-h-ot! Damn it all, Eli’s ego alone could put a match-ending rear choke on most opponents. For any poor bastard who hasn’t seen Eli in action, let me just assure you that his wrestling and MMA skills are every bit as devastating as his razor sharp wit and soul crushing banter.

Picture. Perfect.

And finally, I love a man who appreciates his own assets, and Eli’s put his finger on precisely why he’s got an army of homoerotic wrestling fans salivating like Pavlov’s dog the moment we hear he’s got a new release. Picture perfect abs. Truly amazing ass.

Truly AMAZING!

Point taken, Eli. I still plan to continue the Making Jake series, but I’d be completely insane to miss the opportunity to also initiate an “Evoking Eli” series to review even more of the a-b-c’s (or 1-2-3’s) of living in Eli Black’s world!