Ethan Andrews – Page 2

And the Nominees Are…

January 7, 2017 wrestlebardLeave a comment

Continuing down your BG East Best of 2016 ballot, let’s give a long, hard look at the candidates for the next two categories.

Best Body

This is such a brutal category. We could kvetch for days about the ambiguity of those two simple words: best and body. I’ve heard from a few corners a call for more diverse types of bodies for voting, which I get, and I agree with. If I’ve learned nothing else from blogging about homoerotic wrestling for nearly 8 years, I’ve learned that there is a huge range to what turns us on, collectively speaking. Well, this year the nominating committee landed on what I think is a nice range, and in yet another shocker (to me at least), Chace LaChance was not nominated, and thus won’t be eligible to defend his title. Still, this is a very competitive race in which you are sure to find someone who blows your… mind.

Muscling his way into yet another best of category in 2016 is on-fire newbie Beauxregard. Beauxregard debuted in X-Fight 40 and also appeared in Dark Knights 13. He’s a mountain of muscle. I’m infatuated with his lower leg tats. I’m in awe of his monster cock. He’s a magnificent specimen built for the sole purpose of destroying other men and fucking them into oblivion. As I said when discussing his chances at winning Best Abs, I don’t know if he has the fan following yet to power him ahead of some of the other nominees. And if the plurality still swings for fitness model pretty, Beaux’s in trouble. But this is a year for upsets, now, isn’t it?

The nominating committee most definitely likes the looks of Van Sklyer, considering he’s been nominated for every “body” category, including Best Body. Again, Van only appeared in Undagear 26, just barely squeezing that match in before 2016 was up. But no doubt, he makes a big, big impression with that gorgeous body of his. He’s got total pin-up boy potential, and there isn’t an angle of him that isn’t stunningly pretty. And, of course, the face is part of the body, so those bedroom eyes and lush, thick, suckable lips have to be factored into the equation. And his ass, and his bulge, but I’ll discuss those later.

Fans who’ve been waiting for a serious muscle monster to vote for Best Body, wait no longer, because Big Barry Burke has squeezed those gargantuan shoulders into this tight, tight field. Barry only showed up in 2016 to Demolish Kip Sorell, but like Van, that one appearance compelled the nominating committee to put him up for Best Body. The sheer size of this beast is argument enough, but I suspect his mass may distract from the fact that he’s got magnificent aesthetics. That huge, that ripped, that proportional from top to bottom. Fantastic mountain of a muscleman. When he isn’t ripping opponents apart limb by limb, he’s actually crazy handsome, as well. He could totally take this, I think, unless the pretty caucus gets behind one candidate.

Which brings us to my perennial choice for Best Body, my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler, Kid Karisma. Kid K wrestled in Demolition 21, The Great Outdoors 2, Fan Fantasy 4, and Gazebo Grapplers 18 in 2016. I could not be more infatuated with a body than I am with his. As I mentioned yesterday, Kid K also stands out for the incredible consistency he shows up with, match after match, ripped, bulging, not a hair out of place. If this is a year for pretty and fitness model factions to swing the vote, it’s got to be Kid Karisma. Gingers rule!

Of course if it’s painfully pretty you’re after, feel free to check Kip Sorell for Best Body. Kip got demolished in Demolition 20, Demolition 21, and Bearhug Beatings 2 last year. He’s got Superman’s upper body, of course, but I think his weakness is below the waist. Fans eat him up with a spoon, though, and what accounts for “best” may be everything that Kip has in abundance.

And again, I’m delightedly stunned to see the committee include Payton Meadows in the mix for Best Body. Payton showed upon the scene in 2016 and wrestled in Undagear 25 and Undagear 26. As I mentioned yesterday, I think he’s established even less traction than fellow newbie nominee Beaux, which makes him a long shot. But just read my rationale for selecting him for my most recent homoerotic wrestler of the month, and you’ll see why I say that if Kid Karisma weren’t in the mix, I’d be spending my precious vote on the French Canadian’s sensational body. Ripped. Dazzlingly gorgeous. Better complexion than Van. Prettier than Kip. If Payton sticks around in 2017, I think he could generate a massive following… particularly in that jock strap.

Best Bulge

The Best Bulge category could similarly be parsed out between various measures of “good.” However, the history of voting in this category has strongly suggested that what fans think of as Best is all about size. Pete Sharp didn’t show his gargantuan pouch at all in 2016, sadly, and it’s been ages since we’ve had the opportunity to marvel at Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!). So feast your eyes on the selection of meat vying for the title in 2016.

Yep. Again. Van Skyler made a clean sweep of the physical attribute categories, including taking the pole position (pun intended) for Best Bulge. Let’s be honest here, the part of Van’s body seared into our memories and imaginations isn’t his crotch. However, his bulge is perfectly suited to everything else about him. Proportionate and pretty, he’s swinging pipe, no doubt. He may not have the largest frank and beans in contention, but what he’s got is undeniably tasty.

Everything about Guido Genatto is huge, so it could be easy to overlook that his bulge is, as well. Guido wrestled in Biff Farrell’s Wrestler Spotlight, 3-Way Thrash 4, Last Man Standing 2, and Demolition 19. I find it difficult to zoom in on just one aspect of the “Dirty Daddy.” He’s a total package of badassness, muscle belly, edgy/over-the-edge trash talk, and total domination. I’m sure plenty of fans have keyed off on his daddy bulge, though, and he seems to be one of those characters who can do no wrong in his fans eyes. So perhaps this is his year to take home Best Bulge.

Jonny Firestorm’s bulge is legendary. I think I once read an interview with Kid Leopard in which he named Jonny as possessing one of the biggest cocks in the business. In 2016, Jonny wrestled in 3-Way Thrash 4, 3-Way Thrash 3, Ring Wars 25, and Hunkbash 18. I think Jonny could be the dark horse in this field, primarily based on the rabid fan following his has systematically built over the years.

Ethan Andrews has a HUGE claim to make for the title of Best Bulge. Ethan only wrestled in Undagear 25 in 2016, which could make him relatively forgettable in the minds of voters, if it weren’t for the fact that he has a massive underground wrestling following that stretches across at least 3 or 4 different production companies. Oh, and that behemoth in his pouch. That’s just fucking hard to forget. He’s lean, which may help his gargantuan bulge seem that much more massively huge, but any way you stack it up against the competition (which sounds like fun), Ethan’s bulge has got to be one of, if not the, biggest of the bunch.

Biff Farrell is another surprise contender for the title of Best Bulge, in my estimation. was busy in 2016 wrestling in 3-Way Thrash 3, Babyface Brawl 4, Hunkbash 18, and his 3 Wrestler Spotlight matches. Honestly, when reading the ballot, I thought to myself, “Does Biff have a particularly impressive bulge?” In researching this voter’s guide, I discovered, yes, yes he does. I think this is another case of big, big muscles distracting from a very hefty pouch. His trunks don’t always accentuate this aspect of his assets, but knowing the army of Biff’s fans ready to rally to his cry, he could very well be a strong contender for Best Bulge.

My vote for Best Bulge is going to go to Kirk Donahue, and not solely so that I can tauntingly report that he’s a huge dick. He swung that pipe in Babyface Brawl 4, Demolition 20, and Gazebo Grappler 18 in 2016. And that bulge was eye catching, even for someone like me fixated on watching his ass getting beat. There I am, over and over, reveling in his smart ass, sugary sweet smirk getting rubbed off, preferably with his opponent’s ass, and I keep getting distracted by that gargantuan bulge! Honestly, my enjoyment of watching him take a beating aside, for a babyface indy pro, Kirk’s got a seriously magnificent bulge that only one audience could appreciate to it’s fullest: you and me.

And if you think the biggest surprises are behind us, just wait!

Crossing the Lin

July 7, 2016 wrestlebard1 Comment

Kevin tugged.png — UCW rookie Kevin Lin hints at good things to come

Someone with impeccable taste (he reads neverland) put me on to fresh meat at UCW. Kevin Lin is sensational to look at, and, I’m happy to report, he’s damned exciting to watch wrestle. This spring, Joe posted a review of one of Kevin’s earlier matches, in which Derrick Cole apparently steamrolled right over him. As the camera comes up on UCW #471, Kevin is visibly battered, rubbing his sore muscles and licking his wounds (metaphorically) from Derrick’s beating.

Kevin handsed.png — Like me, Axel likes what he sees

Puppetmaster at UCW, Axel (aka Ethan) shows up with some sympathy and understanding. “Trust me, I’ve been on the receiving end of Derrick’s punches and all his shenanigans,” Axel pats Kevin on the back affectionately, “and, yeah, it’s rough.” I’m much more accustomed to seeing Axel as a vicious heel from BG East and Rock Hard Wrestling, so I’m instantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Both boys are geared up, Axel in nondescript kelly green trunks and Kevin in what very well may be the best fitting gear of the year, sensationally tight red trunks that can’t quite cover the rookie’s ass cheeks bulging out the top. There’s a number 15 screen printed across his glorious ass, which coincidentally is the score I’d give Kevin’s fucking hot bod (on a scale from 1 to 10).

kevin otk.png — Lesson #1: the OTK backbreaker

“I’m here now,” Axel consoles the new kid, “so I’m going to help you become a better wrestler, all right?” Again, knowing what a vile, sadistic prick he is in other shops, I keep screaming at the screen, Don’t trust him, Kevin!!! But as the coaching session unfolds, Axel is a self-restrained, if harsh, taskmaster. The nasty first lesson is an introduction to an OTK backbreaker. Regular readers know that and OTK is probably my very favorite pro wrestling hold, and sweet Jeebus, luscious Kevin looks delicious arched high and bulging significantly higher. Honestly, I’m just sure that Axel is going to punch him in the balls and proceed to maul the kid mercilessly, but no. He shows him how headbutts to the gut and a deep pec claw can double down the effectiveness of the hold, but then drops him cold and instructs the rookie to give the hold a try on him.

Kevin otk3.png — Yeah, Kevin can do that just fine!

I’m still screaming, Don’t trust him, don’t trust him Kevin!!!, but then Axel permits himself to be hoisted up in a cradle and pounded down across the newbie’s knee. But here’s where things get really interesting for me. Kevin fucking beats on Axel’s exposed gut like he’s pounding in a nail. What’s more, he fucking loves this! I mean, the shining smile stretched across the newbie’s handsome face harkens to some kid opening a Christmas present that he wanted so bad he’d been too afraid to ask for it for fear of the devastation of potential disappointment. He likes the feel of another man wriggling on his line, groaning and grunting in response to the new kid’s ministrations.

Kevin arches2.png — Kevin on magnificent display

I don’t know what Kevin Lin’s backstory is, but he was born for homoerotic wrestling! Axel seems to sense how quickly the hot kid is soaking up his lessons, because after just a couple more controlled experiments of tit for tat, coach says it’s time to just see where this whole thing goes unscripted. All told, this is definitely a narrative built around the contrast between one of the most experienced underground wrestlers in the business facing one of the least experienced. Axel owns him hard, testing the muscle stud’s tolerances, daring him to submit, while quietly urging him never, ever to give up. Kevin soaks it up a like a punishment sponge, breaking out into sweat and screwing up his gorgeous face in agony, but refusing to give to punishing hold after punishing hold.

Kevin armbar.png — Just like this, right coach?

While Kevin is clearly a rookie, this is also, obviously, not his first rodeo. Axel didn’t teach him that neck wrenching standing full nelson, nor the silky smooth transition to the mat for a full nelson/scissors combination. And even more impressive, that glaring, gloating, crotch-ripping spladle he applies wasn’t on Axel’s menu either. He demonstrates his quick mastery of each of Axel’s demonstrations, as well. He locks down that elbow snapping armbar like he’s been doing for it for years. And that single leg crab with a twisting ball claw chaser? Yeah, Axel’s inner heel shows through, monologuing how he hates to play it dirty, but feels “compelled” to introduce the newbie to the darker side of what he may face in underground matches. But even that, quick-study-Kev eventually circles back around and shows coach he was taking notes, grinding the fuck out of Axel’s testicles and making him scream.

Kevin crab.png — That wink at the camera owns my soul!

The star of the show for me, however, isn’t Axel, and it isn’t Kevin’s gorgeous face or surprising flair for cranking on the punishment. It’s that magnificent ass escaping the confines of his suction packed trunks over and over again.

Holy fuck, I had to text my buddy who recommended that I check Kevin out and lament that this review was taking me forever to write because Kevin’s ass keeps distracting me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s gorgeous from head to toe. The world has been sorely lacking in seriously competitive, incredibly handsome, Asian muscleboy homoerotic wrestlers, and Kevin is every one of those descriptors. His quads are monsters, and the heft and jiggle of his relaxed pecs make me drool. And that bulge! Fuck, it’s no wonder Axel gets his hands on that prominent package so early in the game. But the showstopper here is that magnificent, muscled, round ass.

Kevin racked.png — Newbie probably didn’t need a torture rack, but he got one.

Coach is harder on the new kid than he probably needs to be, strictly speaking, but adorably eager Kevin leaves on very good terms with Axel. My perpetual suspicion that Axel is going to bully his way into another lopsided squash over someone completely outmatched is unwarranted. Like me, the face of UCW appears to see a whole lot of promise in young Kevin Lin, and just like I’d like to do, he offers the kid a shoulder to lean on as they make their way to the locker room post-match (I’d have also pulled out the baby oil to massage out those kinks and tight muscles). There’s a raw edge to this hazing that keeps the heat at a sizzling simmer, but it stays true to the genre of an enthusiastic breaking in of a dazzlingly beautiful, fantastically fit muscleboy with more enthusiasm than know-how.

Kevin facetocrotch.png — Hard lessons learned up close

But sure as kids’ gotta learn, there will be coaches with just a leading edge of sadistic joy in teaching them. I’m instantly a Kevin Lin fan, and I’m praying to the homoerotic wrestling gods that we get to see all of that beauty and wrestling potential unleashed in a wrestling ring sometime soon, and not as some wilting lotus flower of a stereotype, but as an honest to the homoerotic wrestling gods bulging beefcake with a taste for putting on the hurt. If Axel honestly takes him under his wing and shows him the ropes, holy fuck, watch out boys. There are a couple of monster quads on their way that will seriously fuck you up. In the meantime, my gratitude to Axel (and my apologies for continuing to doubt his sincerity) for repeatedly and persistently showing off the very, very, very best sides of muscleboy rookie Kevin Lin!

Kevin asscheek.png — Kevin’s ass spills out again.

Kevin spanked.png — Axel spanks the moneymaker

Battle of the Bulges

May 3, 2016May 3, 2016 wrestlebard1 Comment

As is so often the case, I have to agree with Joe. The climactic 3rd match in BG East’s Undagear 25 new release is sensationally hot. Featuring hot little chili pepper Drake Marcos turning up the heat with bad boy Ethan Andrews, this classic mat match is a fabulous take on the classic question, “Whose is bigger?”

I’m sure that Drake will take offense at something, despite my best effort to heap praise on his pounding mat confrontation with Ethan Andrews. If I say he’s a top notch jobber, he’s offended. If I say he can suck on agony with the very best of them, his ego is bruised. If I say he’s got a hot, taut, fuckable body he… well, no, he doesn’t seem to really complain about that. But while points 2 and 3 hold true for Undagear 25, Drake is no jobber against Ethan. He suffers under a bulging mountain of pain and suffering, and his sensationally sexy legs continue to make me gasp with pleasure as he milks the whimpers out of his opponent, but the narrative here is not one of Drake’s destiny with failure. In fact, three quarters of the way through this match, I am once again wiping a bead of sweat away from my brow in anticipation of finding out if this is, finally, Drake’s breakout, undisputed, planned and followed through, first ever clear cut check mark in the victory column.

You have to admit Drake looks sensation in charge.

Speaking of bulging mountains, the real stars of this show are the big, flexing pythons straining the confines of Drake and Ethan’s jock straps. That battle really only unfolds once the built-for-fashion singlets come off, which is not a minute too soon for my taste. Ethan’s is sexy enough, but Drake missed the memo that no one honestly looks good in camo. I feel like Ethan is reading my mind when he says as much, right as he’s ripping Drake’s singlet off.

Drake gets a whiff of that all-too familiar smell of humiliating defeat.

Ethan’s bulging doesn’t stop at his crotch, either. I don’t remember seeing the smirking bad boy looking this fit and muscular ever before. Once Drake finally returns the favor of ripping off E’s singlet, the best supporting actor in a homoerotic wrestling drama really comes to the forefront: Ethan’s magnificent, meaty, muscled glutes. As I said, the stars of the show are the packages, but I think the real writing on the wall in Drake’s undoing here is when he seriously melts in Ethan’s figure-4 headscissors. Personally, I think Ethan did his homework, and it shows right here. I don’t know if there was ever a sexier undoing of Drake (and I have studied the subject extensively), than when the Cheshire Cat had the smile wiped right off his handsome face in that exact position, smothered to perfection by Ray Naylor in Mat Scraps 2.

Ray Naylor wore Drake (out) to perfection in this very same hold.

I’ve got my opinions about which Drake-slayer wore him (out) best with this hold, but I’ll let you vote below without me swaying your opinions. In the mean time, let me just conclude with a few highlights that are already recurring images in my waking homoerotic wrestling daydreams.

Pony rides. Fuck, I love a sexy pony ride. The supersize serving of humiliation and domination in a pony ride are like the sugary center to the earthy saltiness of a salted caramel. Fascinatingly, both Drake and Ethan score some literal riding time, and it’s Drake’s lap around the mat on Ethan that makes me believe the babyface also-ran might be just about to ride that stallion across the finish line for the first time. Never one to let a slight go unanswered, it’s Ethan’s tit-for-tat pony ride using Drake’s jock strap as reins that brings this pounding race to it’s climactic finish. Sadly, neither pony ride is tucked, confirming yet again that perhaps no one will ever do a post-match pony ride humiliation as provocatively as Rusty Stevens. However, kudos to both Drake and Ethan for saddling up nicely.

The real climax of this match for me (literally) was the brutal cock beatdown that Ethan delivers while pinning a withering, weeping, wasted Drake to the wall. Ethan is fucking gargantuan. It’s just a fact. And he swings that massive, erect member like a battering ram over and over again into Drake’s already tenderized balls. “Whose is bigger?!,” he demands repeatedly, his hotly muscled ass undulating, flexing and relaxing in rhythm as his cock pounds his now defenseless opponent mercilessly. While they don’t pull out the measuring tape or the scales, just eyeballing it (and I did repeatedly), I have to conclude that Ethan’s battering ram is, indeed, quantitatively superior. Drake admits it, too, finally, bitterly, reluctantly.

Drake is hell bent on ripping a trophy off from this match and taking it home with him.

But I’ve got a few words of wisdom as someone who is, my guess, around a decade and a half older than either of these testosterone filled young bucks. Size gets you only so far in life. It is not indicative of capacity for sexual pleasure. And some of the most massively endowed men I’ve had the pleasure of meeting were die-hard, gagging for it, exclusive bottoms (and were sensational at it, by the way). I think 20 years ago, I was much more invested in the question, “Whose is bigger,” but these days, I’ve come to realize that the answer is one of the most unilluminating pieces of information when it comes to sexual performance (homoerotic wrestling or otherwise).

All that said, let me just again reiterate that this match has great pairings of bitterness and sweetness, power and cunning, speed and skill. I’m still left waiting hopefully to see Ethan out-bullied by some doe-eyed babyface beauty that he completely underestimates. And hope burns eternal for darling Drake to pull his shit together and fully execute a balls-to-the-walls take down that I’m certain he has in him. In the mean time, enjoy Undagear 25.

And honestly, what could I have possibly said that petulant puppy Drake could have taken offense to today!? Now, don’t forget to vote for which sphincter-smothering figure for headlock wore Drake best: Ethan or Ray.

Cough

November 2, 2015November 2, 2015 wrestlebard3 Comments

I’ve seen photos of many of you hot hunks dressed in mostly nothing, as sexy versions of just about anything for Halloween. As for me, I dressed as a TB patient for the special day. Well, actually I’ve just had a disgusting, rattling chest cold, which did not leave me feeling sexy or in the mood to party with the rest of you hotties. So I missed seeing the gay male festival of flesh and camp in peron, damn it. Send me your sexy Halloween photos if you’re willing to let me post them here, so that I can enjoy second-hand a few tricks to go with all those leftover treats I’ve been binging on as I convalesce.

In the mean time, here are a few of the terrifying masked men who never fail to turn me on. Prizes for those of you with proof you partied as one of these hot mystery men!

Angelo Blanco is as mysterious as he is sensationally sexy!

hero — Everyone’s hard when Die Hard Conquers Dyno-Man!

Mighty Magnus perfectly terrorized musclebaby Surge behind that mask and all that magnificent muscle.

hero2 — Die Hard lays bare a terrified Steve Sterling.

Has there ever been a more unstoppable (and sexy) masked beast in the ring than The Enforcer? Maskador never had a chance!

ethan — Rock Hard Wrestling celebrated Halloween this year with Masked Mania.

Babyface heroes like Stinger are destined to get stripped and humiliated by villainous studs like Lightning and Cage Thunder!

Superhero Archangel was spoiled, plundered, and perverted into terrifying supervillain Dark Angel.

The Black Spider was ALL OVER El Mascarado Zamora!

Exile is a superhero, but that skin tight black suit, black goggles, and raging trouser snake would strike terror in any opponent!

Squash Me Just Right

July 22, 2015 wrestlebard6 Comments

Despite my explicit preference for homoerotic wrestling fare with an element of competitive suspense about it, I’ve been finding myself watching, and enjoying, quite a number of one-sided matches lately. The “squash” is a particular subgenre that I can enjoy, but, like I’ve said, I tend to prefer to see more give and take, more narrative suspense. So it’s interesting to find myself sitting in front of a whole lot of lopsided squashes. Sampling more than my typical diet of them, I’ve been reflecting on what almost always does work for me in a squash, what can but doesn’t always work, and what almost never works for me in a squash.

vlcsnap-2015-07-17-09h25m26s285 — Morgan squashes Joey in Back Buster 5.

First, what almost always works for me is seeing a dominant pitcher deeply delighted by the feel of mastering his opponent. This is what I’m talking about when I prattle on about “owning,” when one wrestler doesn’t just beat the other, doesn’t just make him tap out or submit, but takes visceral pleasure in controlling an outmatched contender. Obviously, the absence of this element can make a squash a bore for me. The squash where the dominant stud seems thoroughly dismissive, so out of his opponent’s league that he can barely be bothered to pay attention to the suffering he’s causing, tends to disappoint me. I’ll feast for days off of a viscious, dominant heel who obliterates an opponent in a landslide and convinces me, one way or another, that he could very well need to rub one out soon before or soon after the camera’s are turned off, because he’s just too damned turned on. Frankly, this doesn’t even need to be entirely about sexual tension. I’m less interested in whether the winner wants to fuck his opponent’s ass in victory than I am in whether the experience of conquering, controlling, and possessing an outmatched opponent in and of itself seems capable of giving the winner erotic pleasure. Whether he cums all over the catcher’s face on camera, or just leaves me believing that he needs a little “alone time” in the locker room to pound one out on his own, I’m buying it, if he’s selling it.

0120_lg — Kid Vicious owns opponents just right, every time.

A lot of examples come to mind. Most of Kid Vicious’ catalog falls neatly into this category. If KV doesn’t bust a load all over a lamb-to-the-slaughter opponent, I feel 99% certainty that he took care of it soon afterward. He always looks to me like he’s mentally getting off on destroying an opponent (the prettier, the harder). Kid Karisma taps this consistently as well. His recent Undagear 23 match with reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month Marco Carlow is a perfect example. Kid K looks like he’s eating this squash up with a spoon, and when he rips Marco’s gear off, poses overtop of his fallen prey, and beats a hasty retreat from the mat room, I’m convinced it’s not just a hasty retreat he’s about to beat. Jake Jenkins muscle mauling of it-boy Kip Sorrell in Backyard Brawls 8 is another specific example. I think of JJ as one of the most G-rated wrestlers on the scene, but his laughter, his luxuriating in Kip’s total destruction beneath him leads me to write the off camera script that has JJ needing a moment to himself to celebrate beating the living fuck out of that ridiculously pretty pin-up boy.

0437_lg — Kid Karisma glistens with delight as he crushes Marco’s every luscious muscle.

There are other elements of a squash that can, but don’t always, work for me. A predator who plays with his food, for example, can sometimes turn me on, other times no. I’ve written my appreciation for trash talking taunts in the wrestling ring for ages, but in a squash, withering derision can seem more like dickishness than homoerotic tension. Personally, I find taunts more erotically provocative when the battle is close, when there’s suspense as to whose brash boasts will be born out as true, and who will be humiliated in regrets for winding up his betters with checks he couldn’t cash. In a squash, taunting trash talk and verbal humiliation are tricky for me. Sometimes I’m stoked hotter. Somtimes not. Cathweight squash scenarios also can go either way for me. When the opponents are so clearly, ridiculously mismatched in size, a big-beats-little squash can sometimes work for me in a big way, but at other times leave me a little bored with what turns out to be the forgone conclusion. Competitive catchweight matches or, even, little-beats-big squashes typically float my boat big time, all else considered, but it’s a touchy thing if it’s a big-beats-little squash from the start.

h0312_lg — Guido walks the line muscle bullying baby-babyface Kirk Donahue.

Guido Genatto’s matches teeter back and forth with me around some of these coin toss elements. He won’t relent in physical or emotional abuse until an opponent is a pool of sweat and tears, sometimes just this side of the line for turning me on, sometimes just the other. For the big beats little squash dilemma, big Joe Robbins similarly sometimes comes up heads, sometimes tails.

1425_lg — Big Joe Robbins is a big-beats-little Catch Weight veteran.

Finally, it’s a little hard to put my finger on precisely the element that almost never works for me in a squash. I know it by how I feel, rather than by the specific content of the wrestling. When I’m left genuinely feeling sorry for the loser, when I have this impulse to call the principal’s office and report an incident of homophobic bullying in the halls, then I’m totally not on board. When it’s so one sided and the dominant stud is heaping on misogynistic insults, questioning the battered boy’s masculinity, then it touches a nerve that makes it hard to stay in the mood for. There’s a particular stripe of sadism that’s more sociopathic than homoerotic, that delights in inflicting suffering but seems more likely to end in the winner pissing on the loser than cumming across him. That schtick is not in my wheelhouse (no judgment implied, though if it is in yours).

h1009_lg — Ethan beats Jayden in the first 3 minutes, then just taunts and tortures the pretty kid for 15 more.

My most recent experience with this is the third match in Undagear 23, in which Ethan Axel Andrews fucking brutalizes delicately gorgeous Jayden Mayne. I’m not just saying this because Jayden charmed the pants off me in his interview here late last year, selling the living fuck out of being an earnest, ambitious babyface on the rise (though that, he did). And fuck, Ethan’s turned my crank more times than I can count. But then there’s this crime scene that unfolds in Undagear 23. Ethan mauls Mr. Hollywood in such a way that I’m sort of hoping for someone on the camera crew to break this shit up. I’ve seen Ethan sell me over and over on his erotic delight in owning an opponent, but here, he just strikes me as a bully. He’s just mean, not because he’s getting off on it, or he cares if you’re getting off on it, or he secretely intends on stripping Jayden’s fine, fine ass bare and taking the spoils of victory with a Trojan on. He just comes across as enjoying hurting defenseless creatures, just because he can. Call PETA. There’s a sicko who enjoys torturing puppies!

h1030_lg — Ethan just keeps fucking the kid over.

Now, I’m 100% certain that there are plenty of homoerotic wrestling fans for whom Ethan’s mugging of Jayden is pure gold. Jayden is genuinely outmatched and outclassed from start to finish, and there’s an undeniable beauty in his spoiled masculine innocence. I’m not suggesting that anyone else does or should feel about it the way I do. I’m just musing, in my own little corner of the internet, about this thing that can take me a little by surprise: a homoerotic wrestling match that simply, essentially, fails to push my buttons. Squashes are just like that for me.

Sometimes they turn me on hard.

Sometimes they don’t.

Making a Meal Out of Flash LaCash

October 1, 2014 wrestlebardLeave a comment

Offline demands have left me with an incredibly long cue in my list of homoerotic wrestling matches to see next. I’m coming for for air today, so I’m also binging on some of the wrestling that has been calling my name for the past two weeks. First up, let me take some time to break down the mystery and sensuality of one of the new crop of releases directed and produced by “King Cameron” Matthews and made available directly through his website. Cameron calls this 30 minute juicy tidbit “Vampire Scene.”

The scene opens with a sound track homage to a classic B&W Nosferatu, the video in sepia tone, a mysterious view of a trap door revealed in a wooden floor. The camera descends the steps into the darkness to find Flash LaCash in tight black trunks, kneepads, boots, and nothing else but his hot porn stash. He’s chained to an overhead pipe, slowly waking from one nightmare into another. Enter Ethan “Count Dracula” Axel Andrews (that’s a lot of names!), looking so fucking hungry he could eat a… well, Flash LaCash! Ethan is always pale (he’s from Wisconsin, isn’t he?), but he looks like he’s been hiding under a rock for a couple of years, alabaster skin contrasting with his black trunks packed in that particular way that Ethan manages like few others. His face is darkly shadowed, making his well-known visage appear emaciated, haunting, and just that much hungrier. Flash appears not to know how he got here, what’s happening, who the FUCK this lean, shirtless stud emanating danger is. A quick punch to the gut from his captor, and Flash pretty quickly begins to get the picture.

This isn’t the vampire’s first dance. He drags Flash to a nearby coffin and shows what he’s already done to Flash’s friend. We glimpse a lifeless body in wrestling trunks inside the coffin. Ethan promises to give the same special treatment to Flash. The pornstash stud is getting seriously freaked out. When Ethan slams Flash’s handsome face into a corner post of the nearby wrestling ring, the shit starts to get real.

flash4 — Flash is tanned and pumped, full of life, just ripe for pale, lean Ethan to suck him dry.

The bright lights come on the moment that Ethan tosses his prey into the ring. The scenario turns decidedly pro wrestling squash, but Ethan’s perennial “dangerousness” keeps the hot vampire narrative on the surface, along with periodic punctuations of blood sucking. He beats the fuck out of terrified Flash, chaining him helplessly into a corner, forcing his legs spreadeagled over the middle ropes, punching, clawing, ripping apart Flash’s meat from the bone. He lands a crippling kick to the hot stud’s vulnerable balls. And finally he swoops in to take his first taste of blood from the muscle hunk’s neck.

flash3 — The vampire drama is wedded nicely to high quality wrestling.

Flash suffers so sweetly, I’ve been sent running to his back catalog to take a closer look at this hot commodity with such a provocative look. He wails and begs with an earnestness that sells the sexy jeopardy. “Who are you!?” the sputtering stud chokes pleadingly, trying to make sense of the subhuman drama enveloping him. “I”m the person that’s going to make a meal of you!” his tormentor taunts, doing nothing to disturb the thick veil of terrifying mystery that backdrops the full-on muscle bashing drama. Ethan leads the stunning stud around the ring by a collar, humiliating, playing with him like he’s making mountains out of the mashed potatoes on his plate. When Flash starts crawling for the ropes, dragging his hot carcass toward escape, his captor watches him a while, smirking, before swooping in and dragging him back into the pit of despair. Ethan literally gnaws on Flash’s hot, bulging bicep. Crippling leg locks, ball bashing, rope torture, endless chokes and trampling. Big, powerful Flash is whittled down, one shaving at a time, as Ethan beats the fight out of his muscles and sucks the blood from his veins with hardcore sadistic pleasure.

When Ethan finally drags the muscle stud from the ring, it’s only to truss him up again hanging from a pipe, locking on the leather collar and chains again. “That’s right, struggle, struggle,” Ethan mutters. “It’s very much a turn on.” And with that, the credits roll and the subtext of every vampire story ever told climaxes. The vampire narrative is about sex, about domination, about the terror of being consumed by the physical and psychological dominance of a sexy as hell, completely in charge captor who knows how this story is going to end for you from the start. Hot wrestling kink married skillfully and conscientiously with a classic melodrama, served up just in time for the month of frights and horrors, tricks and hot, homoerotic wrestling treats.

BTW, my thanks to Cameron Matthews for giving me permission to post these photos and welcoming this review. Keep an eye on Cameron’s website for more self-produced homoerotic wrestling fare from the margins. He’s got an eye for telling a story and holding onto the erotic tension in a wrestling match with both hands!

Making Jake

August 13, 2014 wrestlebard2 Comments

Jake Jenkins has captured the hearts and stoked the crotches of countless homoerotic wrestling fans in the past few years. His charms are both obvious and subtle. He’s gorgeous to look at under any circumstance. But he’s also prolific and varied in his delivery of wrestling drama. So I’ve strolled through the many splendored thing that is JJ’s wrestling filmography and finally arrived at the really tough part of the alphabet. Some of these final entries in Making Jake are weak, I’m the first to admit. But cut me some slack. The options for descriptors that start with the letter X are x-tremely limited. From U to Z, here’s my take on Making Jake…

…unconscious. Perennially dangerous and with inexhaustible tenacity, many opponents have been simply stunned by the energizer-bunny quality of Jake. Even when you’ve got him down, just try counting him out. With the muscle and the body awareness he’s got, he’ll slip out of your fingers 9 times out of 10. What’s an opponent to do to once and for all not just put, but keep him down? An elite few know you very well may have to make Jake unconscious!

…vertical. Jake fans know that his athleticism is second to none. JJ flies. He does handstands. He flips and twists and slams and stomps. He’s perfectly balanced between grace and brutality. That goes for both pitching and catching. Opponent’s can do astonishing things with JJ’s incredibly fit, flexible, agile, compact muscle body because he’s in such incredible shape he can take astonishing beatings and live to tell the tale. For example, Jonny Firestorm managed to contort JJ’s body into positions and shapes I’ve never seen before, each one more breathtaking and beautiful than the last. There’s something just awe inspiring about watching that moment when an expert heel doesn’t just control Jake’s body, he doesn’t just hold JJ’s life in his hands, he makes Jake vertical.

…wet. I’ve got a major thing for wrestlers that work up a heavy lather of sweat, and Jake can definitely get there. When droplets make his muscles twinkle and his bulges glisten, Jake is transported into another realm, joining a pantheon of immortal gladiators demanding to be worshipped as celestial beings. As Ethan Andrews proved, JJ also looks damn good with a bottle of water poured onto him in the middle of the ring, piling humiliation onto defeat. Thankfully it’s never come to this, but it just wouldn’t be a full on JJ match if his opponent didn’t make Jake wet.

…x-rated. Okay, so here’s where you must cut me slack, because I know full well that Jake’s wrestling filmography is PG-13, at best, and that’s only if you have a fundamentalist Christian prude on your ratings board. True, JJ did dally briefly under another name in some full frontal solo work for a beefcake company, but formally speaking, that wasn’t “Jake.” But thank the wrestling gods JJ has been wrestled out of his singlets and trunks on just a few occasions, leaving him in nothing but a sweat soaked jock strap. The briefest glimpse, barely more than innuendo, of his exposed hole exponentiates JJ’s overall homoerotic sexiness across the board. There’s not an inch of him that doesn’t deserve awed worship, but there’s something just for gay wrestling fans when a match makes Jake x-rated.

jakeyelp

…yelp. I’ve said it before, but let’s review it again. Jake is a cool customer. He’s got a sharp wit and a razor tongue, but the quantity of what comes out of his mouth in a match is perpetually restrained. He sells pain most often silently, or at most, with anguish welling up behind a wall of ironclad self-control. So it’s a special treat when an opponent not only drives Jake to the edge of busting through that wall, but managed to squeeze just right and make Jake yelp.

…zealous. Jake embodies many different characters. At Rock Hard Wrestling he started as a brutal heel. At BG East, he’s been a beautiful babyface, a stern initiator and a stunned jobber in various combinations. There’s something achingly hot, though, about Jake as a valiant jock, as certain in the virtue of hard work as he is in the scales of justice tilting his way in bringing victory as reward for his earnestness. On just a couple of occasions, JJ has flashed that wide-eyed, broad smile, wrapped himself in patriotism, and flung himself face first into harm’s way trusting in the rightness of his convictions to weather the storms of dirty tricks and dastardly deviousness hurled back at him. That earnestness is misplaced, of course. This is professional wrestling we’re talking about. But there’s something deeply evocative when a certain gear choice, or a particular partner, or specific opponent manages to make Jake zealous.

Well there you have it. I struggled to select among many excellent option for most letters of the alphabet in attempting to capture the range and depth of Jake Jenkins, so I may very well go around the circuit all over again some day. But first, there’s a certain 3-time homoerotic wrestler of the month who has his own parallel series that I need to pay attention to. Now that I’ve found Eli Black’s most recent work at UCW, I’m obsessed with exactly what it is that evokes the enthralling essence of Eli.

In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

May 13, 2014 wrestlebard2 Comments

Eli Black pretty much owned neverland about a year ago. The incredibly dangerous stud was the first ever to claim the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month here 3 times. I wondered what had happened to him after what seemed like a drought of Eli releases for several months. Then BG East releases their newest Eli feature, going undie to undie with underwear model pretty boy Z-Man in Undagear 21. And around the same time, out of the blue, Ethan “Axel” Andrews contacts me and offers to introduce me to UCW.

I’ve enjoyed Joe’s coverage of UCW for years now. He has a special relationship with the UCW boys, it seems. For some reason, I’ve never sampled them. I think it’s the aesthetic of the blue tarp covered walls. But Ethan assured me he believed I’d like what I saw, so he gave me some complimentary review copies of a few UCW matches that he personally picked out with me in mind. How could I say no? And, of course, Eli Black plays a prominent role in this sexy ass mix tape.

eli6 — The All-Star Champion of UCW, Eli Black!

So THAT’S where Eli’s been! The UCW files show Eli with more advanced ink than his BG East appearances, so I’m deducing that his UCW work has happened since he first taped with BG East. Over at UCW, Eli appears to be a notoriously underhanded heel. And, ironically, Ethan “Axel” is apparently a notoriously aboveboard face. Welcome to Wonderland, Alice! They’ve apparently been calling each other out for months by the time they face one another finally on the UCW mats. The opening trash talk is angry and vicious (like I love it!). Both boys are in very brief blue trunks. Ethan’s pouch is gargantuan, which is a detail that comes back into this story pretty damn quickly.

Early on, this appears to be a mugging. Ethan is all over Eli like a bad rash. Honestly, it’s a mugging when Ethan (who is determined NOT to be a bully?) zeroes in on Eli’s bandaged, injured arm, viciously cranking, punching, and kicking it relentlessly. Eli is stunned like I’ve never quite seen Eli stunned before. That right arm hangs lifelessly at his side. He’s nothing more than a mouthwateringly hot plaything for furious Ethan to torture. With rising confidence, he starts to focus on Eli’s pride and joy (not his ass, his other pride and joy), his abs. Kicks, punches, even a headbutt to the gut delivers the contempt that Ethan feels for Eli’s ripped 8-pack. But even without ever seeing a UCW match, I could’ve told Ethan he was barking up the wrong tree. A mountain of gut bashing is what Eli refers to as a breather. Sure enough, Eli roars back, scoops him up, and slams Ethan to the mat with authority.

eli5 — That mammoth package was just too big for this NOT to happen!

“My turn!” Eli crows, going to town on Ethan’s also impressive, but let’s face it, nowhere nearly as ripped abdominal wall. Ethan’s got his sights set farther south, though, quickly turning to crushing that humungous pouch of Ethan’s with the heel of his barefoot. Then both feet. Holy shit, Ethan screams.

eli2 — Amazing athleticism from these two stars.

There’s a ton of ass slapping and ball abuse traded between the two of these studs. It’s astonishingly evenly fought, both in athleticism, fitness, and viciousness. Neither of them can quite believe that their tried and true finishers simply cannot seal the deal. They get angrier and more frustrated by the minute. The pacing is surprisingly engaging. The personalities are huge and hot. And I don’t even mind the blue tarped walls, particularly when Eli has Ethan scooped up in his arms and pounds him over and over into the cinderblocks.

eli4 — The three sexy stars of this match.

This is careening into a blue-ball stalemate when Eli proposes a gut punching contest to settle their score. Gut punching contest with Eli!? What the fuck is Ethan thinking? Oh, that’s what he’s thinking. When it’s obvious he’s never going to make Eli’s impenetrable armor quiver, he delivers a low blow, swarms all over Eli’s gorgeous ass, and puts him down for the count.

“This is the ONLY time I’m going to cheat to win!” Ethan promises the camera as he leaves the mat. But somehow, it feels like Eli’s loss may be even a bigger victory for the dark side of the force. Who can resist that feel of dominating power that comes from a shocking low blow? Who can pick up the mantle of bad ass bully and then, voluntarily, set it down again to play it straight? The force is strong with this one, and I suspect that Eli may not exactly consider this entirely a “loss.”

Me? It’s a winner in my book, and I’m thrilled to get another Eli Black-fix in my system.

Tuesday Trunk Pulls

February 25, 2014February 24, 2014 wrestlebardLeave a comment

In a “fresh tugs” edition of Tuesday Trunk Pulls, there’s a big crop of trunk pulls in the new release section at BG East. I mean, a lot! If you need a little extra leverage, if you need a little handle to get everything in just the right position, always feel free to grab hold of the tiniest tether: your opponent’s trunks. And if there’s a camera nearby, treat the rest of us to a little pre-Christmas unwrapping party!

pulljonny2 — In Tag Team Torture 17, the 3-way barnburner between Jonny Firestorm, Mike Pitt, and Cameron Matthews gets vicious fast. Never one to shy away from jerking on his opponent’s trunks (and showing off some beefy ass), here Jonny drags Mike’s hips off the mat by his straining trunks.

pulljonny — An equal opportunity brutalizer, Jonny shows the same disrespect to Cameron Matthews, with the added bonus of showing us why Cameron is always a contender for the best butt award.

pullcameron — In a “reap-what-you-sow” morality tale, Jonny discovers that payback is both a bitch and a vicious wedgie when Cameron drags his fine ass across the ring by a double-fistful of Jonny’s purple trunks.

pullethan — Ethan Andrews does not need any additional advantage to completely squash, obliterate, and trounce lovely, lithe Lauden Sevior. But that doesn’t stop him from taking sick satisfaction in yanking on the go-go boy’s jock strap and long, flowing locks to add humiliation to total physical domination in Passion & Punishment.

pulljonah — Jonah Richards grabs everything he can to subdue fellow Raunchy Rookie Ken Okeda.

pulljoshua — In Hunkbash 15 Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!) spends about 40% of the bout with his fingers yanking on Rio Garza’s trunks. Understandably.

pullkayden — Raunchy rookies know not to let a little fabric or “rule” get in the way, such as when Kayden “Hungry like the Wolf” Kayden pries Ty’s hips out of the corner with a severe yank on the trunks, in order to set him up for more gut punching brutality.

More Masonry

January 10, 2014 wrestlebardLeave a comment

Somebody’s watching me… or is it the other way around?

I’m not sure if Mason Brooks is stalking me or if I’m stalking Mason, but every time I turn around, the thinking-man’s homoerotic wrestler is there. Debuting with BG East merely a year ago or so, Mason has since given me an interview, sent me Christmas presents, commanded star treatment in my homoerotic wrestling imagination, and now he’s also showing up at Movimus.

In his recently released match against “Case Thornton,” (aka, Ethan “Axel” Andrews… how many names can one stud use!?), Mason is intensely aggressive and full throttle. His ass in those lime green skimpy trunks is nearly enough to distract me from his ever-hypnotic nipples.

Unfortunately for Mason, he’s in over his head, getting out hustled and outmaneuvered by one of the most experienced wrestlers in the online wrestling scene. He gets that sweet, lime green clad ass spanked by the appropriately confident “Case,” getting schooled convincingly. He gives away the first fall to an arm bar before CT (aka EAA) can snap it off at the elbow. The second fall is a who’s got whom situation, with both lean bodies wrapped up so tightly it’s a little difficult to tell whose body part belongs to whom, but it’s the chokehold wrapped around Mason’s throat that makes his face blush dark red and his hand tap out. In the final fall, he goes down to a figure-4 choke that manages to also nearly rip his right arm out by the shoulder socket.

mason303 — CT(EAA) rides Mason relentlessly

The boys are sportsmanly and playful in the end, demonstrating that whatever the drama on the mat, these two fucking love to wrestle. There’s nothing overtly erotic in this match up between two hunks who have overtly erotic elements on their wrestling resumes, which is, of course, totally fine. Erotically minded wrestlers can compete and kick ass just like non-erotically minded boys can. But apart from trunks wedged high up between ass cheeks, erotic wrestling fans should know that this is sweetly competitive and an intense chess match, but not “gay” in anything but subtext and what the viewer brings with him.

Mason continues to entertain and arouse me, and if he’s the one doing the stalking, all I have to say is, “Keep it up, stud.” Now, I need to get back to obsessively combing the internet for any sign or sighting of Mason and his nipples…