Marco Carlow – neverland

Lost Time

February 6, 2016 wrestlebardLeave a comment

Thanks for those checking in on me after not posting for a couple of weeks. Exciting times in the Bard household these days, including an imminent relocation of chez Bard. I’m certain there will be more disruptions in my posting schedule over the next few months as I happily move to greener pastures, but in the mean time, let me make up for lost time and applaud the winners of the 2015 BG East Besties.

In the individual wrestler categories featured winners who were certainly odds on favorites, as well as what I consider a couple of upset surprises. First, as for surprises, I think Jake Jenkins’ successful defense of his title as Top Babyface is a surprise mostly because JJ simply wasn’t prominently featured in 2015. Not that I haven’t fucking adored JJ from day 1, but honestly I figured more prolific wrestlers would have been more on the mind of voters. But JJ proves once again not to underestimate his petite, acrobatic, sensationally hot body or beautiful face. And Kip Sorell stole Best Abs from Z-Man!? Holy fuck, that blows my mind. I’d dip all 5 nominees in chocolate sauce and lick them clean, mind you, but Kip’s relatively low 2015 profile paired with Z-Man’s ferocious fan base has to make this a major upset.

Not so surprising are tried and true chart toppers like Best Butt award winner once again, Kid Karisma. It’s hard to argue with perfection, although Ty Alexander pulled out a runner up for the category, and he’s sworn on FB to claim the title in 2016. Also not surprising me at all is Pete Sharp slapping down the competition for Best Bulge with his his monster package. I think that anaconda could be a gimme anytime Pete’s in the mix. Best Body went to Chace LaChance, which I think is entirely understandable, though I’m glad to see Kid K pulled into 2nd place.

Biff Farrell – Best Debut of 2015(Start lobbying now for a “Best Legs” category next year, and a Monster Quad Match between Biff and Logan Vaughn, please!)

Top Heel for 2015 was Guido Genatto, which is hard to argue with, despite my selecting Joe Mazetti for my vote. Guido’s multiple, overwhelming heel performances in 2015 would be tough to beat by anyone at any time. Top Jobber went to fan favorite Ty Alexander, who was my pick and, I think, a shoe-in for his multiple matches jobbing like the cream of the crop. Debut of the year was a tough call, but I’m pleased that my pick, Biff Farrell, slapped Drake’s pick, Chet Chastain, down like a bitch to claim the title. I still say with a debut year like his, Biff could own this industry in a couple of years if he wanted it.

Guido Genatto and Chet Chastain dug deep to pull out the victory for Best Overall Match of 2015

For the collaborative titles (at least, those requiring more than one wrestler to qualify), there were again a few surprises, at least to me. The Submissions 10 match featuring Cameron Matthews and Zach Reno came out of nowhere to take the trophy, as far as I’m concerned. I’m seriously shocked Jonny & Stone didn’t get the nod from submission fans. I’m also surprised and a little perplexed that the winner of Best Match Overall for 2015 was Guido and Chet’s Fan Fantasy 3 bout, despite that same match only coming in second place for Best Ring Match. If one were to assume that voters were consistent in their voting, I think that would have to mean that a good portion of those who voted for Blaine and Cameron’s Barefoot Babyface match as Top Ring match felt that whatever their top mat match pick was was better overall. Still, I find it intriguing that Best Overall Match was not the best match in its category.

Drake made a big push in our discussion about the nominees for Blaine and Cameron’s Barefoot Babyface match, and I’m not surprised it snagged the Best Ring Match title. Hot, shocking, sensationally sexy stuff. Similarly, I’m unsurprised that Ring Releases 2 pulled out the victory for Sexiest Match, even though my vote went for X-Fights 39 (which still pulled a respectable second place). I’m a little thrilled to see Kid Karisma and Marco Carlow’s Undagear 23 match do so well, winning Best Squash and coming in 2nd for Best Mat Battle. My vote still went for Lane Hartley and Richie Douglas brutally once sided babyface mauling for Best Squash, but Kid K and Marco definitely deserved some lauds and praises for that match. The Hottest Liplock of 2015 appeared in Ring Releases 2, meaning it was Kayden Keller’s face sucking on Ty Alexander that turns fans on most last year. That Skrapper and Christian Taylor came in second place surprises me a little, but Christian certainly deserves the reigning title as resident Kisser at BG East these days, so a second place finish for him makes sense

Kid Karisma & Marco Carlow’s Undagear 23 – Best Squash of 2015

Congratulations to all the nominees and especially the winners. It was a rich, deep bench to call up in 2015. The extramural, cross production competition seems to me to be heating up these days (note Cameron throwing shade on FB about the Besties on his way to promoting his own productions these days). But when it comes to full on, unapologetically gay-oriented wrestling with sensationally sexy action and beautiful bodies abounding, BG East remained the most prolific, diverse, and entertaining, by my estimation. I keep waiting for Can-Am to really reinvest in buying back their stake of the explicitly gay wrestling scene (though they definitely maintain a major claim on the wrestling-foreplay porn narrative), and/or some new production to seriously compete with BG East for the unapologetic eye to gay pro wrestling fans. But as of the close of 2015, I think that market is unquestionably dominated by BG East. It was definitely a great year for a great company and a fantastic battalion of beautiful wrestlers.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Year

December 31, 2015December 29, 2015 wrestlebard5 Comments

Hopefully we’ll have an opportunity to vote on the BG East year end Bestie awards soon. In the mean time, I made my own selections of the wrestlers that grabbed me hardest month by month (I skipped a couple months because life just keeps me from it every so often). My homoerotic wrestler of the month title is a difficult call to make most months. I’m turned on by so much of the fine new releases that I enjoy on a regular basis. But of the matches I’ve seen, the HWOTM title gives me a short list of the wrestlers I enjoyed most over the year.

Not that these are necessarily my top picks of the year. There’s probably some way to do a statistical analysis on the between group versus within group variances (Jose can probably tell us). Some months may present a tighter, higher caliber field than others to choose from, so a “loser” on any given month might have beat the fuck out of a winner in a different month. But I think my top wrestler in a new release in 2015 is guaranteed to be among the 10 HWOTM I called out this year, even if the runner-up might not be.

Anyhow, statistics and logic problems aside, before I can talk about the 10 HWOTM title holders in 2015, I need to anoint a December title holder. It’s a day early, but I’m going ahead and calling the competition for which wrestler turned me on hardest in a December new release. The last piece of the puzzle and the reigning HWOTM as we move into the new year is…

0106_lg

…big, bulging, buff, beautiful, blond, babyface, blue-eyed beefcake, Biff Farrell.

Biff turns thoughtful sizing up the competition.

Frankly, it was a very close call as to whether it was Biff or his opponent, the titular character in The Comeback 2: Joe Mazetti, who turned me on hardest. Joe gets the nostalgia vote, and he sensationally sells the story of a classic heel who can’t, despite his best intentions, turn over the new leaf he so much longs to. Just the thrill of getting to see Joe looking so fucking huge, fit, and fierce is incredibly satisfying, much less getting to see Joe wrestle like he never left the ring in the first place.

Biff savors the taste of making a man suffer between his thighs.

But Biff narrowly rips the title out of Joe’s hands the moment he drops the heel daddy with a sucker shot to the gut and lords it all over a writhing, wriggling Joe, laughing and sneering with Joe’s nogging crushed like a tin can between Biff’s gargantuan thighs. This is a whole new Biff. This is a hungry, brutal, vicious Biff, with a big, bulging sadistic button sticking out and snarling Joe punching that button with abandon.

Biff is such an impressive hunk of man. It’s a joy, and just a little relief, to see his personality come through as 3-D as his bulging, beautiful muscles do. True, the Comeback king puts the buff kid out cold before all is said and done, but it’s that contemptuous, sadistic streak shining through in Biff’s riding time that makes me take a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th look at him as officially graduating from the ranks of the rookies. He plays with and plays off Joe’s larger than life delivery. Gorgeous as fuck, built like a brick house, and now with character complexity and suspense, Biff came on way, way strong to finish 2015.

Biff Farrell is the total package and my homoerotic wrestler of the month.

So somewhere in the pack of my 2015 HWOTM winners, there must be a homoerotic wrestler of the year (HWOTY). I know these are my picks, and it’s all about who turned me on month to month, but seriously, I want to know. Who do you think should be neverland’s HWOTY? Just to warm up for the BG East Besties, vote below for the neverland homoerotic wrestler of the year.

February 2015 – Jonny Firestorm in BG East’s Fan Fantasy 2

March 2015 – Stefan Ramos in Muscle Domination Wrestling’s Six Pack Bash 7

April 2015 – Lon Dumont starring in BG East’s Wrestler Spotlight: Lon Dumont

May 2015 – Marco starring in Thunder’s Arena’s Mat Wars 47

June 2015 – Marco Carlow starring in BG East’s Undagear 23

July 2015 – Ty Alexander starring in Jonny Firestorm’s Custom Combat

August 2015 – Logan Vaughn starring in BG East’s Florida Fights 5

October 2015 – Kayden Keller starring in BG East’s Ring Releases 2

Frey Eagle TV - 8 of 200.jpg — November 2015 – Eagle starring Thunder’s Arena’s exclusive Black Friday release of Frey vs. Eagle

December 2015 – Biff Farrell starring in BG East’s The Comeback 2: Joe Mazetti.

Squash Me Just Right

July 22, 2015 wrestlebard6 Comments

Despite my explicit preference for homoerotic wrestling fare with an element of competitive suspense about it, I’ve been finding myself watching, and enjoying, quite a number of one-sided matches lately. The “squash” is a particular subgenre that I can enjoy, but, like I’ve said, I tend to prefer to see more give and take, more narrative suspense. So it’s interesting to find myself sitting in front of a whole lot of lopsided squashes. Sampling more than my typical diet of them, I’ve been reflecting on what almost always does work for me in a squash, what can but doesn’t always work, and what almost never works for me in a squash.

vlcsnap-2015-07-17-09h25m26s285 — Morgan squashes Joey in Back Buster 5.

First, what almost always works for me is seeing a dominant pitcher deeply delighted by the feel of mastering his opponent. This is what I’m talking about when I prattle on about “owning,” when one wrestler doesn’t just beat the other, doesn’t just make him tap out or submit, but takes visceral pleasure in controlling an outmatched contender. Obviously, the absence of this element can make a squash a bore for me. The squash where the dominant stud seems thoroughly dismissive, so out of his opponent’s league that he can barely be bothered to pay attention to the suffering he’s causing, tends to disappoint me. I’ll feast for days off of a viscious, dominant heel who obliterates an opponent in a landslide and convinces me, one way or another, that he could very well need to rub one out soon before or soon after the camera’s are turned off, because he’s just too damned turned on. Frankly, this doesn’t even need to be entirely about sexual tension. I’m less interested in whether the winner wants to fuck his opponent’s ass in victory than I am in whether the experience of conquering, controlling, and possessing an outmatched opponent in and of itself seems capable of giving the winner erotic pleasure. Whether he cums all over the catcher’s face on camera, or just leaves me believing that he needs a little “alone time” in the locker room to pound one out on his own, I’m buying it, if he’s selling it.

0120_lg — Kid Vicious owns opponents just right, every time.

A lot of examples come to mind. Most of Kid Vicious’ catalog falls neatly into this category. If KV doesn’t bust a load all over a lamb-to-the-slaughter opponent, I feel 99% certainty that he took care of it soon afterward. He always looks to me like he’s mentally getting off on destroying an opponent (the prettier, the harder). Kid Karisma taps this consistently as well. His recent Undagear 23 match with reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month Marco Carlow is a perfect example. Kid K looks like he’s eating this squash up with a spoon, and when he rips Marco’s gear off, poses overtop of his fallen prey, and beats a hasty retreat from the mat room, I’m convinced it’s not just a hasty retreat he’s about to beat. Jake Jenkins muscle mauling of it-boy Kip Sorrell in Backyard Brawls 8 is another specific example. I think of JJ as one of the most G-rated wrestlers on the scene, but his laughter, his luxuriating in Kip’s total destruction beneath him leads me to write the off camera script that has JJ needing a moment to himself to celebrate beating the living fuck out of that ridiculously pretty pin-up boy.

0437_lg — Kid Karisma glistens with delight as he crushes Marco’s every luscious muscle.

There are other elements of a squash that can, but don’t always, work for me. A predator who plays with his food, for example, can sometimes turn me on, other times no. I’ve written my appreciation for trash talking taunts in the wrestling ring for ages, but in a squash, withering derision can seem more like dickishness than homoerotic tension. Personally, I find taunts more erotically provocative when the battle is close, when there’s suspense as to whose brash boasts will be born out as true, and who will be humiliated in regrets for winding up his betters with checks he couldn’t cash. In a squash, taunting trash talk and verbal humiliation are tricky for me. Sometimes I’m stoked hotter. Somtimes not. Cathweight squash scenarios also can go either way for me. When the opponents are so clearly, ridiculously mismatched in size, a big-beats-little squash can sometimes work for me in a big way, but at other times leave me a little bored with what turns out to be the forgone conclusion. Competitive catchweight matches or, even, little-beats-big squashes typically float my boat big time, all else considered, but it’s a touchy thing if it’s a big-beats-little squash from the start.

h0312_lg — Guido walks the line muscle bullying baby-babyface Kirk Donahue.

Guido Genatto’s matches teeter back and forth with me around some of these coin toss elements. He won’t relent in physical or emotional abuse until an opponent is a pool of sweat and tears, sometimes just this side of the line for turning me on, sometimes just the other. For the big beats little squash dilemma, big Joe Robbins similarly sometimes comes up heads, sometimes tails.

1425_lg — Big Joe Robbins is a big-beats-little Catch Weight veteran.

Finally, it’s a little hard to put my finger on precisely the element that almost never works for me in a squash. I know it by how I feel, rather than by the specific content of the wrestling. When I’m left genuinely feeling sorry for the loser, when I have this impulse to call the principal’s office and report an incident of homophobic bullying in the halls, then I’m totally not on board. When it’s so one sided and the dominant stud is heaping on misogynistic insults, questioning the battered boy’s masculinity, then it touches a nerve that makes it hard to stay in the mood for. There’s a particular stripe of sadism that’s more sociopathic than homoerotic, that delights in inflicting suffering but seems more likely to end in the winner pissing on the loser than cumming across him. That schtick is not in my wheelhouse (no judgment implied, though if it is in yours).

h1009_lg — Ethan beats Jayden in the first 3 minutes, then just taunts and tortures the pretty kid for 15 more.

My most recent experience with this is the third match in Undagear 23, in which Ethan Axel Andrews fucking brutalizes delicately gorgeous Jayden Mayne. I’m not just saying this because Jayden charmed the pants off me in his interview here late last year, selling the living fuck out of being an earnest, ambitious babyface on the rise (though that, he did). And fuck, Ethan’s turned my crank more times than I can count. But then there’s this crime scene that unfolds in Undagear 23. Ethan mauls Mr. Hollywood in such a way that I’m sort of hoping for someone on the camera crew to break this shit up. I’ve seen Ethan sell me over and over on his erotic delight in owning an opponent, but here, he just strikes me as a bully. He’s just mean, not because he’s getting off on it, or he cares if you’re getting off on it, or he secretely intends on stripping Jayden’s fine, fine ass bare and taking the spoils of victory with a Trojan on. He just comes across as enjoying hurting defenseless creatures, just because he can. Call PETA. There’s a sicko who enjoys torturing puppies!

h1030_lg — Ethan just keeps fucking the kid over.

Now, I’m 100% certain that there are plenty of homoerotic wrestling fans for whom Ethan’s mugging of Jayden is pure gold. Jayden is genuinely outmatched and outclassed from start to finish, and there’s an undeniable beauty in his spoiled masculine innocence. I’m not suggesting that anyone else does or should feel about it the way I do. I’m just musing, in my own little corner of the internet, about this thing that can take me a little by surprise: a homoerotic wrestling match that simply, essentially, fails to push my buttons. Squashes are just like that for me.

Sometimes they turn me on hard.

Sometimes they don’t.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

July 1, 2015July 1, 2015 wrestlebard2 Comments

I enjoyed quite a bit of homoerotic wrestling new releases in June. So I had plenty to choose from when it came to sitting down and considering who entertained me most, who turned me on hardest, who stuck with me longest in my homoerotic wrestling imagination. My top two contenders for the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month were opponents in the same match. And although I have a Pavlovian response to the one sensational veteran muscle man in the mix, it’s the relative newcomer that grabbed the spotlight and grabbed me by the balls. So with considerable enthusiasm on my part, I announce that my new homoerotic wrestler of the month is…

marco

… Marco Carlow.

Marco is the cover boy for BG East’s catalog 109.2 web feature for a reason. Undagear 23 is only his 3rd appearance, but there’s star quality in those twinkling brown eyes, the Don Johnson carefully coiffed day-old facial hair, and especially that classically proportioned, sensationally meaty, aesthetically mouthwatering physique. This is his first time taking the crown as HWOTM, and he managed to squeak by one of the most commandingly favorite fantasymen in my personal collection of favorites.

marco7 — Kid Karisma gives us a look at all of Marco’s best sides.

There are plenty of times when a homoerotic wrestling match implies a lot more than it delivers. Having been enlisted on many occasions to write match descriptions for new releases for BG East, I’ve been very aware of the delicate balance of enticing and tantalizing while not misleading. Undagear 23 proposes to deliver a muscle hunk on muscle hunk mat beatdown, with tons of ass slapping, forced-to-flex fun culminating (I daresay, climaxing) in one gorgeous physique star stripped out of his briefs and left flexing entirely naked for exactly one purpose: to get you and me off. Praise be to the homoerotic wrestling gods, because damn it all if that is not exactly what we get when a voracious Kid Karisma gets his hands, and most every other part of his sculpted body, all over beefcake pin-up boy Marco.

marco3 — Kid Karisma is enthusiastically ALL OVER muscle man Marco.

Marco is flexing in the mirror in nothing but bulging hugging yellow briefs before Kid K arrives for the match. I’ve spilled a boatload of virtual ink over Marco before, but there’s something about him here that just lights my fuse all over again. He’s in phenomenal shape, even for his never miss superhuman conditioning. His pecs are pumped to perfection. Huge, gorgeous biceps. Quads that scream out for a gallon of baby oil and a devoutly adoring worshipper (I’ve got someone in mind). He’s understated, not supremely cocky like so many wrestlers, which in Marco’s case does nothing but exponentiate his over the top sexiness. He doesn’t need to talk himself up because the evidence of his outrageous exceptionality is so completely unmistakable. And we learn quickly that this Greek god so deliciously pumped is about 4 weeks out from taking the stage at a bodybuilding competition. Fuck, I’m pushing the pause button to cool myself down long enough for Kid Karisma to arrive!

marco4 — Kid Karisma grinds Marco into the mat!

Kid K starts needling him the moment he arrives. This fact alone astonishes me like few others: apparently Kid K has never competed in a physique competition. What the fuck? I’ve been lobbying for him to win best body at BG East for years because, well, FUCK, look at him! He flexes in Marco’s face asking for the bodybuilder’s assessment. Marco gives Kid K credit for sweet (sweet, sweet, sweet!) muscle mass and definition, but he slights the slightly manic superstar for his lack of posing expertise. There’s a grace and poise about Marco’s side chest pose transitioning like foreplay into a seductive, eye popping side tricep. He squeezes slow and hard, showing off not just the final product, but the beautiful transit of his gorgeous muscles contracting like a wave across his body. Kid K is his typical impatient, in your face, 0 to 60 in a half second self, flashing all the same poses, even measuring up quite nicely as far as I’m concerned, but I have to admit, I sort of agree with Marco. The ginger muscle hunk could use some posing pointers. Of course, taking constructive criticism doesn’t sit so well with fan favorite Kid K. He out hustles flat footed Marco, taking the bodybuilder to the mat with authority and riding that glorious ass for days. So much perfection in Marco’s competition ready physique brings out one of the most relentless, humiliating performances I’ve ever seen from Kid K. He doesn’t just bully him. He doesn’t just control him at will. He demonstrates at every turn that he can shove anything and everything in Marco’s leading man face.

There are several squashes in BG East’s 109.2 catalog, but this match is far and away the most intensely satisfying of them all, for my tastes. There’s this heart pounding point about 2/3 of the way through when Marco is fucking chugging away on nothing but fumes. He’s explained repeatedly that he’s carb deprived as he cuts down for the bodybuilding stage, which earns him nothing but scorn and taunts from rugby fanatic Kid Karisma, who’s quick to explain to his beefcake opponent that rugby and wrestling are real men’s sports (and they encourage well-fueled bodies). Both of their bodies are dripping with oceans of sweat, their phenomenal muscles glistening and shimmering under the lights. Marco’s sweat drenched briefs have been wedged hard up between his muscled ass cheeks, giving us unobstructed view of those glorious glutes and Kid K unobstructed territory to smack. Hard. Often. Enthusiastically. The ginger veteran drags the bodybuilder up to his knees, and standing behind him, forces Marco to see himself battered and owned in the mirror. Kid K grabs his scruffy chin in one hand, twisting his head, forcing his eyes forward, as he commands the bodybuilder to flex some more. With each flex, Kid K shows off his own mountainous muscles in reply. Marco is battered, compliant, a plaything for Kid K to stroke his own ego to full erection. Total ownership. 100% sizzling hotness.

marco6 — Kid K momentarily is every fan’s favorite for peeling those drenched briefs completely off of the crushed bodybuilder.

Just to be clear, while this is a phenomenal squash, Marco doesn’t just take it. He fights. He muscles his way to a few escapes. When Kid K slaps his ass, over and over and over, he starts getting pissed. But when the heel slaps him hard in the face, the easy going humility of the bodybuilder evaporates into raw anger. He may be carb deprived, but he’s just so damn strong! He gives Kid K a whole lot of trouble, and yet, still, with expertise and command of a seasoned homoerotic wrestling heel, the veteran rises above anything Marco tries to throw at him. When Marco is really good and done, when he can barely pry his massively muscled body off the sweat stained mat, that’s when Kid K swoops in and yanks those wasted yellow briefs off of Marco’s lovely ass. The winner poses over top of his beefcake prey. He taunts and humiliates him some more, and then storms off, looking like he’s ready to swallow an extra-large pizza whole.

marco8 — Marco is forced to study Kid Karisma’s muscles, but before all is said and done, we are treated to a an entirely naked, luxuriously slow, sweat soaked study of Marco’s magnificent physique.

If that’s where it ended, I’d score this match highly. And I’d probably hand the HWOTM title to Kid K for doing so exceedingly well what he does best. But slowly, Marco peels his naked body off the wet mat. He examines his beaten and battered physique carefully, I assume looking for bruises that might mar the physical perfection he’s working on for the stage. And then, like he’s reading my mind, Marco turns to the mirror again and starts flexing. Completely naked. Muscles still glistening with Kid K’s sweat all over him. His thick, flaccid phallus and testicles dangling enticingly as he pumps his gorgeous muscles. He’s exhausted. He says so, several times, and still he keeps flexing his beautiful naked physique, for no other reason than the fact that you and I are going ape shit on our side of the screen. This is where he suddenly snatches the title from Kid K’s hands as far as I’m concerned. If Kid K had stuck around to watch, to keep throwing taunts, gratuitously unfair criticisms while Marco poses naked, I’d probably still hand this to the ginger king. If Kid K had done all that and eagerly peeled out of his own briefs to insist on a fully naked side-by-side, pose-by-pose comparison, I probably would have enshrined Kid Karisma as emperor for life of my homoerotic wrestling favorites. But there’s just something so sincere, so vulnerably earnest about Marco’s naked fineness flexing and gasping and dangling there, post-match, that makes this homoerotic wrestling fan absolutely go nuts for the beautiful, battered bodybuilder.

marco9 — Reigning Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month: Marco Carlow.

You want to see this sensationally satisfying finish, so purchase the DVD. If you’re like me, you’ll want to make this sweat soaked, naked muscleman your screen saver, so settle in with some gatorade and sign onto the BG East Arena for full monty photos. Marco Carlow has never failed to set me off, but this time around, he’s turned me into a full throttle Marco-man, battling exhaustion and complete humiliation to not just wrestle the best for our entertainment, but then to climb back up and give you and me a jaw-dropping, nothing to hide, entirely naked muscle worship session, because Marco clearly wants to be worshipped as much as I want to worship him. I hope getting his fine body wiped all over the mat a 3rd time doesn’t set this phenom off future appearances, because I’m gagging for a whole lot more. In the mean time, around these parts, this is Marco month, and Marco Carlow is unquestionably my homoerotic wrestler of the month.

Old, New, Borrowed, Blue

October 1, 2013 wrestlebard3 Comments

I’m not going to apologize for a moment for taking an extra day or two to savor and study the new releases I’ve got in my hands now from BG East’s catalog 100, before I make my pick for homoerotic wrestler of the month. There are just too many instantly credible candidates to rush this decision. So I’ll make that call tomorrow. Maybe the next day. Depends on whether I need an IV drip to replenish fluids as I go.

But I will marvel briefly once again at the momentousness of BGE100. Celebrating 100 catalogs of the highest quality homoerotic wrestling, BG East has given more than a passing nod to both their past and future with their choice of wrestlers and matches to be featured for the anniversary edition. Marrying the best of homoeroticism and the best of professional wrestling takes a lot of heart, a lot of art, and maybe even a little good luck to be as successful as BG East has been. So here’s my nod to whatever it is that adds up to their formula for a long and healthy relationship with their avid fans, in this case: something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.

bidd — Old School BG East Matmen: Robin Carter and Big D!

Something “old”: I’m calling out another epic revival to accompany the earthshaking return of both Brad Rochelle and Kid Leopard to the BG East ring. Almost/even more anticipated is BG East’s grab bag of mat matches “from the vaults,” highlighting out most notably for me a Matmen 24 match featuring classic matman Robin Carter and the living legend himself, “Big D” Ward. Big D was awarded a lifetime achievement award at the end of Wrestlefest 2 which was, what, 10 years ago at least!? Big D’s dominance on the mat was always AMAZING to watch, and his sudden and long absence from new releases was marked by many with grief and mourning. Bringing this “old” gem out from the vaults and dusting it off for catalog 100 is fulfilling the wishes of hundreds of Big D fans clamoring for more of the legendary master of the mats for years!

trey — Trey Dixon is just one of the rookies debuting in catalog 100

Something “new”: I think one of the things that BG East does simply better than just about anyone is constantly recruiting top quality new talent, and they did not spare new faces in putting together catalog 100. I’ve already noted the jaw dropping looks of new fantasymen Kip Sorrell and Lane Hartley from Fantasymen 35. Also eye-catching (to say the least) is g-g-gorgeous newcomer Trey Dixon getting every impressive inch of his mouthwatering body squeezed through the ringer of Jake Ryder’s erotically sadistic will in X-Fights 36.

Something “borrowed”: So Lorenzo “Jake” Lowe’s opponent in Undagear 20, Flavio” could be something new and something blue as well, but I’ve settled on celebrating the “something borrowed” in this match. LJL has his hands full of the bulging muscles all over incredibly built Flavio, but happily both of these boys get stripped to barely mentionable thongs. Owning a massively constructed hunk of beauty like Flavio is no small feet for “little” LJL, so it’s no wonder the hot BG East executive has sweat pouring off his body in streams before long. Fortunately, Flavio’s baby blue and incredibly sexy trunks serve as suitable towel to soak up LJL’s perspiration. Like the gentleman he is, though, LJL returns the garment… in the rookie’s face… where it lands with a splat.

marco — Marco Carlow’s blue trunks, like his groin, are nearly ripped apart by Jake Jenkins!

Something “blue”: It looks like Joe at Ringside at Skull Island is as captivated by the main event on Undagear 20 as I am: muscled babyface beauties “the original” Jake Jenkins and Marco Carlow. There’s so much right about this match, including but not limited to the change of wardrobe about halfway through. Before that, though, I could stare for days at the most amazing battle of all in this contest: the seams of Marco’s blue trunks nearly ripped apart time and time again as JJ ties the muscleboy up like a Stretch Armstrong doll. There’s so much goodness packed inside that blue fabric, and JJ displays it from every angle physically possible. And I’m the master of spoilers, so stop reading now if you don’t want to know too much…. because Marco’s blue trunks nearly could have counted toward “something borrowed,” except for the fact that JJ does not give them back!

So I need to get back to sucking down gatorade and staring at more of catalog 100 until my eyes burn. Catch you on the other side of ecstasy.

By the Numbers

September 24, 2013 wrestlebard2 Comments

I feel like I’m just about to lose my shit in anticipation of BG East’s release of catalog 100. 100 catalogs packed with some of the sexiest, most iconic moments in homoerotic wrestling history!? You’ve got to expect that reaching the centennial mark will mean something big. The Arena preview pics so far are dizzyingly hot. Just check out Joe’s assessment of just one of the matches from the upcoming Fantasymen 35. This match features perpetual top tier fantasyman Kid Karisma getting his hands all over unbelievably pretty newbie, Kip Sorrell,, and in Joe’s words, “Karisma does a genius job of showing off Sorell’s fine points while breaking the picture-perfect physique down for spare parts.” Prepare yourself to be dazzled before you click over to Joe’s, though. Sweet Gaia, the vascularity on Kip (who is, I predict, an immediate frontrunner for both babyface and rookie of the year awards) is blowing my mind! So far the boys at BG East have released preview shots for 4 new collections (Fantasymen 35, Matmen 24, Undagear 20, and Wrestlefest 3), but a typical catalog could have as many as 2 or 3 more products, so I’m holding my breath for what more mind/wad-blowing treasure they may still unveil for the 100th (what is that, like, the platinum-plated-gold anniversary?) Since I’m obsessing about this anyway, I thought I’d take time today to handicap one of the matches that’s previewed in the Arena and already haunting my dreams, Undagear 20’s yet-to-be-released match pitting Jake Jenkins against Marco Carlow.

The tale of the tape is already compelling. Jake consistently weighs in at 155 lbs on his 5’7″ frame. Marco is an inch shorter and weighed in 15 pounds heavier in his one released BG East match. In other words, beautiful little muscle stud Jake is faced with, potentially, his biggest (pound-per-inch) competitor so far in his BG East tenure. Taking a look at Marco’s pics, it’s hard to ignore that the boy has slabs of beef hanging off of his ridiculously conditioned frame. I’d be willing to make a side bet that his right upper arm is measurably thicker than Jake’s neck (but I won’t pay up unless I’m the one holding the measuring tape to them!). In a side-by-side, the lusciously beautiful, proven powerful Jake Jenkins is instantly giving away serious advantage to the unquestionably superior size and, almost certainly, strength of muscle man Marco. On a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 being “absolutely impossible” and 10 being “a complete certainty,” I give the likelihood that Marco will repeatedly outmuscle Jake (tests-of-strength, powering out of full nelsons, squeezing submissions out of rib crushing bearhugs) at an 8.

Experience, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. Marco Carlow has exactly one prior appearance in a BG East release, in which he faced the muscle beast Dev Michaels in a New Orleans motel room for Motel Madness 11. Marco made a surprisingly good showing, as far as I was concerned, despite a good deal of flat-footedness, lack of speed, and limited repertoire. In this case, he was giving away 30 pounds to the mountain of muscle Michaels, and still Marco successfully put the hurt on the giant and quite nearly secured the final fall submission.

However impressive was Marco’s rookie debut, however, being flat-footed, slow, and technically limited in wrestling skill does not bode well for facing Jake Jenkins. Jake has wrestled 9 times for BG East and 12 times for Rock Hard Wrestling. Match descriptions indicate that Jake is both a highly accomplished amateur wrestler as well as a novice MMA boy, and he’s certainly taken to the special demands of homoerotic wrestling like white on rice. At RHW, Jake tends to be more of a bad ass than he is at BG East, where he generally wrestles clean, at least starts out amiable, and has a healthy (but not overinflated) sense of his extensive assets, especially on the mats.

jake10 — Jake breaks Christian Taylor in half in Wet ‘n’ Wild 6

The heaviest opponent Jake has faced at BGE was Christian Taylor in Wet ‘n’ Wild 6, but that seems a poor comparison to judge his promise against the likes of Marco Carlow. Christian’s 175 lbs are stretched across 6’2″ of height, which averages out to about 2.36 pounds per inch of height. In other words, Christian is one stunningly beautiful, long, tall drink of water, but he’s no muscle man. Inch-for-pound, although over half a foot shorter, Jake was almost exactly the same proportionally (2.35 pounds per inch), and with a boatload more mat experience, it’s not surprisingly he tied the tallboy into knots and left him whimpering in a pile. Rating the likelihood that Jake will spin his nearly naked, sweat-lubricated body all over a stunned Marco and lock the muscle boy up tight repeatedly like a twist-tie, I give it another 8 out of 10. The likelihood that Marco will be knocked on his ass when he pushes amiable Jake one step too far: 9 out of 10. The likelihood that Marco will, like half of Jake’s opponents before him, comment on Jake’s ferocious intensity that makes pit bulls cower: 4 out of 10.The likelihood that Marco squashes Jake and gets out without suffering multiple, expertly administered, joint-snapping submission holds that Marco’s never even heard of, much less suffered in: 1 out of 10.

jake3 — Sweat-soaked buddy Austin Cooper proved too much for “little” Jake to handle!

Perhaps a more realistic comp would be to look at a couple other of Jake’s opponents who, although technically not as heavy as Christian, are closer to the weight/power ratio of Marco. First, Jake’s long-time tag partner Austin Cooper faced Jake in their simultaneous BGE debut in Ripped Rookie’s 1. Austin’s weight-height ratio is 2.39 pounds per inch of height, which makes for a pretty noticeable size advantage over little Jake (4/100ths in this case is not a negligible difference). Also, the two are pretty damn equally matched in mat experience, and they’ve wrestled each other and together as a tag team multiple times, essentially zeroing out any experience advantage. Against equal experience and a not-insignificant size disadvantage, how did Jake do? It was incredibly competitive (as in, please bottle those gallons of sweat, because I’m buying!), but slowly, but surely, goldenboy Austin absolutely owned Jake’s lovely ass! I believe Ripped Rookies was filmed in the very same mat room as Jake’s match with Marco Carlow, and in both matches, the boys start in singlets and end in jock straps. So if Jake’s performance against the dominating power of Coop is any measure, he could be in for a world of hurt against Marco whose weight-height ratio is a jaw-dropping 2.58 pounds per inch of height. I put the likelihood that Jake is hoisted off his feet and completely at Marco’s mercy at one point or another at around a 7 out of 10.

jake4 — Kid Karisma owned “monkey boy’s” smoking hot ass!

One other comp I think needs to be addressed, and that’s Jake’s ring match against 165 pound Kid Karisma in Hunkbash 12. Kid K’s weight-height ratio is, before now, the most dominating that Jake has faced, with a 2.42 pounds per inch of height measured. Again, Kid K has a boatload more experience than Marco Carlow, and for my tastes, Kid Karisma is never more dangerous than he is in the ring, which is arguably Jake’s weakest genre. So how did Jake, 2012’s top babyface, do against 2012’s best ass winner? Holy fuck, it was a massacre! Karisma trounced the babyface before Jake even left the locker room! JJ battled back to claim one submission, but that was his one bright spot in an unremitting train wreck of a match for poor Jake. Kid K destroys him, tying his spine in knots around the ring post, crushing his face into the apron, trampling, pounding, squeezing, and delectably dominating Jake into yet another quivering pool of sweat and humiliation. So again, although he’s been highly competitive and dominant even, against boys his size, including extremely pedigreed mat wrestlers and MMA fighters, when Jake’s been faced with serious muscle boys not even close to Marco’s concentrated muscle mass, he’s gone down brutally hard. The likelihood that still-green muscle man Marco will enjoy serious riding time on Jake’s ass, bullying the babyface and rendering Jake’s hot bod a limp rag at various points in this match: 6 out of 10. The likelihood he’ll make Jake cry: 4 out of 10. The likelihood he’ll make Jake beg like a bitch for mercy: 3 out of 10.

A few more numbers that I’m estimating based on nothing more than my personal tastes and adoring study of countless hours of homoerotic wrestling (remember, 0 means “absolutely impossible” and 10 means “a complete certainty”):

Likelihood that either of these boys loose their jockstraps: 2.

Likelihood that they both lose their jock straps: 1 (I’m an eternal optimist).

Likelihood that we catch a glimpse of either of their balls spilling out of their jockstraps: 4.

Likelihood that we catch a glimpse of either of their assholes: 6.

Likelihood that I decide before this match is over that I’d tap Jake’s ass over Marco’s: 3.

Likelihood that Marco’s mountainous pecs get clawed: 7 (though that doesn’t seem to be Jake’s style).

Likelihood that Jake gets stretched over Marco’s knee and spanked like a naughty boy: 3.

Likelihood that Marco shoves Jake’s face in his crotch and makes him smell his sweaty crotch: 3.

Likelihood that both boys give a bare-assed muscle posing session towering over top of their prone opponent: 10 (because the Arena documents both!).

Likelihood that Jake takes the final fall: 8.

Likelihood that one of these boys claims my homoerotic wrestler of the month title off this match: 3.

Likelihood that have to push pause and clean up a bit within the first 5 minutes: 6.

Likelihood I’ll be obsessing about catalog 100 all day long: 10.

Asses Named

June 7, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebardLeave a comment

No perfect marks for this week’s Name That Ass quiz, but that just means you’ve got more delightful studying to do. Let’s start with a closer look at these beautiful butts:

Ass #1 belongs to…

BG East rookie muscleboy, Marco Carlow.

Marco’s debut in Motel Madness 11 against BG East first-timer (but hardly a rookie) Dev Michaels is such a feast for those looking for muscleboy wrestling in private. Marco is gorgeous from head to toe, and that round, hard ass is stunning. Love it. Lusting after him. Waiting for more Marco!

Ass #2 belongs to…

Naked Kombat’s rookie pornboy, Gavin Waters.

I’ve already talked quite a bit a about Gavin’s tag team bout alongside fellow overconfident bully, Nikko Alexander. It’s an ensemble work of art, and my favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy, Trent Diesel, rocks me hard. But sweet man alive! Gavin Waters is a beast! Love his attitude. Love his body. Love that ass.

Ass #3 belongs to…

Can-Am’s Lincoln Lode.

Lincoln’s been out of the scene for a while, as far as I can tell, but his brief tenure in homoerotic wrestling made a big impression on me. His face isn’t quite as classically handsome as, say, Marco Carlow, but the frat boy smirk on that sliced and diced gymbunny physique never disappointed. He almost always paired up with red-head Andrew Lane, which made me write a lover-backstory for the two in my own mind. Here Lincoln and workout buddy Billy Watt play wishbone with Andrew’s legs in Hotel Hell: Toronto. This match illutrates my point: Lincoln’s ass was almost as perfect as glutes get.

Ass #4 belongs to…

…BG East’s new wrestler (but again, not a rookie), Torvik Tirva.

I’m a sucker for an accent…. and a nice ass… and tattoos… but even still, there was something that caught me by surprise by how turned on Torvik’s motel match with Brad Flash made me. When Torvik gloats and taunts, it’s absolutely fantastic entertainment. When he wrenches on Brad’s knee until the scrapper can’t stand up, Brad extends a hand of gentlemanly congratulations on a job well done. Again, I say, when Torvik slaps the extended hand away with lip-curling contempt and congratulates himself with a sweet flex in the mirror before walking off laughing at his injured opponent, I’m sold.

Ass #5 belongs to…

…Can-Am’s handsome babyface hero, Maverick.

Homoerotic wrestling is littered with beautiful bodies who lingered far too briefly, and Maverick is a prime example. He had a face of a big screen movie star, the body of a Greek sculpture, and the chin-up, knight-in-white hero vibe that had me reverting to pre-adolescence and lustfully rooting for the good guy. And that ass! His opponent in Young Musclestuds Wrestling 4, Trey, seems to be as awed by that work of art as I am.

In honor of “big” news in U.S. politics this week, there’s no way in the world that next week’s quiz could be anything other than a new edition of Name That Cock. So study up on your homoerotic wrestling cocks now!

	wrestlebard on The Wish List
	RayAtL on The Wish List
	wrestlebard on Leather and Lace
	ramondon32 on Leather and Lace
	ramondon32 on The Wish List