And She Knows How to Use Them

We’re so close to award season and nostalgic retrospectives of the year in review that I can taste it.  Remember 2016, back in more innocent times?  After Obergefell, but before Emperor Palpatine was elected as Supreme Chancellor by the gullible representatives of the Galactic Republic? I think I’ll always look back on 2016 as good old days. But as we prepare our hearts and minds for the supremely sobering task of registering our votes for homoerotic wrestling favorites in this era when winners and losers all admit that democracy is a sham, I want to offer a send up to a category that we seem to never get to vote on. Best legs.

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Thunder’s Arena’s Steel may have the most massive quads in the business

I sort of assume I’m one of about 4 gay wrestling fans who seriously get off on hot, powerful legs.  This assumption is based on several pieces of evidence. For one, as I mentioned, there’s never a category in the year-end polls for legs. Asses, sure, but anything at lower altitude is always neglected. Further, scanning the “muscle” section of BG East’s Arena galleries, I find that there are literally 21 galleries devoted to abdominal muscles, more than 15 galleries highlighting arms (and most of the generic galleries are all about biceps), and at least 10 galleries specifically about pectoral muscles. Look closely for legs, and I can find 2 galleries, and most of the pics don’t even include full length looks at wrestlers’ legs. I have to deduce that there simply is not a raging market obsessed with wrestlers’ legs the way that I am, because otherwise, the industry would pay much more attention to hot, sexy legs.

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Can-Am’s Cody Cummings’ quads cause me to cum

I’ve bitched before about the way that cameras consistently dissect wrestlers at mid-thigh or higher, as if the only objects of erotic lust exist north of there. There are billions of close-up pics of pumped, peaked biceps filling the camera frame. Side chest poses and most muscular poses draw the gaze irresistibly to big, bulging, pumped torsos, but 9 times out of 10, those pin-up beefcake shots crop out 75% of a wrestler’s legs (there’s lots of math there, sorry). So I concede that I must be a rare breed who swoons like a Victorian at the sight of full, powerful, pumped quads and thick, broad calves. When we’re treated to hot shots of scissors and leg chokes, apparently the rest of you are fixated on some element other than those sexy as fuck legs pulsing with punishing power. Clearly, I must be the only one with a running fantasy (starring an ever revolving cast for the male lead) of having my erect cock squeezed to climax between the rock hard quads of a wrestler with killer lower body credentials.

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Thunder’s Arena’s Eagle dazzles with size and proportion

Of course, as with everything, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Personally, I like legs strong, which means that hot legs can come in different proportions and sizes and still check my box. This also means that the degree to which a pair of legs may turn me on is likely (and I’m sure often is) enhanced by the sell of their opponent. But as for sheer aesthetics, I can’t get enough of big, thick quads with massive, low hanging tear drops. I particularly key off on legs with monster quads and multi-headed, shapely calves stacking up a rock hard foundation.

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Mark Muscle is massive everywhere, but I particularly crush on those mile long legs.

For the 12 or so of us who would, if offered, lap up more focus on hot, sexy legs in this business, I thought I’d offer a send up to the homoerotic wrestling legs that grabbed my attention in 2016.  Just for kicks, I’m including a poll on the BG East contenders highlighted below.  Someone is going to bitch about the whole thing being rigged. Probably it’ll be the winner. What the fuck ever.  Who did I miss?

So let’s take a look at the BG East boys whose legs made me do a double take and whip out my notepad. In alphabetical order. Vote below.

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Austin Cooper
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Biff Farrell
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Kid Karisma
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Ramy Khoury
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Chace LaChance
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Thrash
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Logan Vaughn

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Boxes

It’s taken a few weeks, but I’m thrilled to report that I’ve relocated chez Bard to greener pastures. My life is still mostly in boxes, but internet is up an running, so all is right with the world again. I’ve had the opportunity to watch just a little homoerotic wrestling during the transition, and I’ve got some exciting features and interviews in the pipeline. For today, though, I’ll just call out the eye catching new release teasers that have been making me salivate.  As I’ve mused about before, there’s something a little magical about that liminal time between the first glimpse of marketing of new homoerotic wrestling matches and the moment of putting eyes on the product itself.  I’m still consuming about 75% of my wrestling in DVD format, so that enticing moment of promise and anticipation can stretch at least a few days as the US Postal Service makes its way to my door (happily, that distance is considerably shorter for most of my favorite wrestling producers after this last move). Sometimes the marketing inspires my imagination in ways that the actual product never quite matches, but sometimes I’m particularly pleased to be caught by surprise, thrown a twist, or simply served up exactly the titillating, provocative wrestling fare that my heart desired.  In the last couple of weeks, the following new releases have been tweaking my fantasies, and being between addresses has meant the opportunity to suck down that gratification has been even more delayed.  What follows are the tried and true favorites of mine, and every match mentioned below features a hunk I’ve named homoerotic wrestler of the month in the past. I’m sure you’ll see reviews of at least some of these in the coming weeks as I settle into my new home and new routine, but for now, just the first glimpses catching my eye.

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Christian Taylor and Charlie Evans tag up in Tag Team Torture 19

First of all, this tag team in the opening match of Tag Team Torture 19 is spinning me right round.  I haven’t felt a good scratching of my ongoing itch for hot, erotic tag team wrestling in a long time, and the pairing of sensationally handsome and ripped veteran Christian Taylor (former homoerotic wrestler of the month around here) with lovely, lithe newbie and fan of neverland, Charlie Evans, could be just what the doctor ordered.

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Team Vanity: Ty Alexander & Charlie Evans

Increasing my anticipation of this Tag Team Torture 19 match are Christian and Charlie’s opponents. Of course, I sit up and take notice when one of my boybanders, Ty Alexander, climbs into the ring, looking fitter and finer than ever. But his fan-turned-tag partner Chase Addams could very well need to join the band. Newbie heels are are a hard sell for me, though, so the jury is out as to whether the new kid’s marketed phenomenal attitude and ring skills will make me want to throw my underwear at him.

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Matt Thrasher debuts as tag team partner for Brute Baynard

Sticking with TTT19 for just a tad longer, don’t think it escaped my notice that daddy-of-my-dreams and former HWOTM Matt Thrasher has made his BG East debut!  I’ve fallen deep for daddy Matt since the first glimpse I got of him at MDW. I’m rigid with anticipation of what BGE might make of this salt and pepper muscleman.

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Two boybanders in one match!?  Ah, hell yes! You’d think Ring Releases 4 was a custom match I ordered, featuring my long time infatuation Drake Marcos and heel pup Kayden Keller. Drake keeps begging for another shot at taking me on in the ring, so I’m always keenly interested in watching the endless ways that his opponents break him apart piece by piece. I have high expectations that Kayden’s work here will be inspiring and devastating.

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Denny Cartier can do no wrong!

I’m also a Denny Cartier fanatic. I’ve named him homoerotic wrestler of the month at least twice that I can remember off the top of my head. There’s something raw and real about Denny, with a look that makes me weak in the knees and mat wrestling skills that bring me at full attention every fucking time. I don’t know if Chace LaChance is too much muscle and ego to handle, but damn, I’m eager to see Denny give it a go.

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JJ’s got the goods.

Also from Chace’s Spotlight, Jake Jenkins. Need I say more? I’ve been on team Jake from the start, and I’ve never failed to be fully satisfied and completely exhausted with every match I’ve seen of his. He has a dismal record in the BG East ring, making me worry about his prospects against Chace is this match, but his size and acrobatics combined with Chace’s muscle mass, leaves me anticipating a lot of gasping, awe and orgasms.

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Eagle can land on me anytime!

I’ve been off the Thunder’s Arena rotation for a while now, but the tempting teaser of another look at drop-dead gorgeous Eagle stomping the living shit out of Z-Man is one of a couple of strong motivators for climbing back into the arena again. Eagle was one of the rare newbies to convince me to make him homoerotic wrestler of the month, and I’m wanting to see what the sophomore year has in store for the beefcake.

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The other motivator is the prospect of sampling Thunder’s new babyface bodybuilder Steel up against fitter than ever (how is that even possible!?) Marco, yet another HWOTM. Guys built as magnificently as Steel have a dismal track record when it comes to homoerotic wrestling, in my book at least. I still hold out hope for a second coming of Steve Sterling, a juicy, impeccably crafted bodybuilder who really takes to the genre with enthusiasm and promise. Even if he’s just eye candy, he’s in phenomenal hands in this match.

Can’t wait to dig in, and of course I’ll let you know what I think (as if you could stop me). It’ll probably still be a little while of unpacking and settling in before I hit my stride here again, but I’m looking forward to comparing notes with you soon.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Year

Hopefully we’ll have an opportunity to vote on the BG East year end Bestie awards soon. In the mean time, I made my own selections of the wrestlers that grabbed me hardest month by month (I skipped a couple months because life just keeps me from it every so often). My homoerotic wrestler of the month title is a difficult call to make most months. I’m turned on by so much of the fine new releases that I enjoy on a regular basis. But of the matches I’ve seen, the HWOTM title gives me a short list of the wrestlers I enjoyed most over the year.

Not that these are necessarily my top picks of the year.  There’s probably some way to do a statistical analysis on the between group versus within group variances (Jose can probably tell us). Some months may present a tighter, higher caliber field than others to choose from, so a “loser” on any given month might have beat the fuck out of a winner in a different month.  But I think my top wrestler in a new release in 2015 is guaranteed to be among the 10 HWOTM I called out this year, even if the runner-up might not be.

Anyhow, statistics and logic problems aside, before I can talk about the 10 HWOTM title holders in 2015, I need to anoint a December title holder.  It’s a day early, but I’m going ahead and calling the competition for which wrestler turned me on hardest in a December new release. The last piece of the puzzle and the reigning HWOTM as we move into the new year is…

 

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…big, bulging, buff, beautiful, blond, babyface, blue-eyed beefcake, Biff Farrell.

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Biff turns thoughtful sizing up the competition.

Frankly, it was a very close call as to whether it was Biff or his opponent, the titular character in The Comeback 2: Joe Mazetti, who turned me on hardest. Joe gets the nostalgia vote, and he sensationally sells the story of a classic heel who can’t, despite his best intentions, turn over the new leaf he so much longs to. Just the thrill of getting to see Joe looking so fucking huge, fit, and fierce is incredibly satisfying, much less getting to see Joe wrestle like he never left the ring in the first place.

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Biff savors the taste of making a man suffer between his thighs.

But Biff narrowly rips the title out of Joe’s hands the moment he drops the heel daddy with a sucker shot to the gut and lords it all over a writhing, wriggling Joe, laughing and sneering with Joe’s nogging crushed like a tin can between Biff’s gargantuan thighs. This is a whole new Biff. This is a hungry, brutal, vicious Biff, with a big, bulging sadistic button sticking out and snarling Joe punching that button with abandon.

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Biff roars to life in The Comeback 2

Biff is such an impressive hunk of man. It’s a joy, and just a little relief, to see his personality come through as 3-D as his bulging, beautiful muscles do. True, the Comeback king puts the buff kid out cold before all is said and done, but it’s that contemptuous, sadistic streak shining through in Biff’s riding time that makes me take a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th look at him as officially graduating from the ranks of the rookies. He plays with and plays off Joe’s larger than life delivery. Gorgeous as fuck, built like a brick house, and now with character complexity and suspense, Biff came on way, way strong to finish 2015.

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Biff Farrell is the total package and my homoerotic wrestler of the month.

So somewhere in the pack of my 2015 HWOTM winners, there must be a homoerotic wrestler of the year (HWOTY).  I know these are my picks, and it’s all about who turned me on month to month, but seriously, I want to know. Who do you think should be neverland’s HWOTY? Just to warm up for the BG East Besties, vote below for the neverland homoerotic wrestler of the year.

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February 2015 – Jonny Firestorm in BG East’s Fan Fantasy 2
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March 2015 – Stefan Ramos in Muscle Domination Wrestling’s Six Pack Bash 7
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April 2015 – Lon Dumont starring in BG East’s Wrestler Spotlight: Lon Dumont
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May 2015 – Marco starring in Thunder’s Arena’s Mat Wars 47
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June 2015 – Marco Carlow starring in BG East’s Undagear 23
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July 2015 – Ty Alexander starring in Jonny Firestorm’s Custom Combat
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August 2015 – Logan Vaughn starring in BG East’s Florida Fights 5
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October 2015 – Kayden Keller starring in BG East’s Ring Releases 2
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November 2015 – Eagle starring Thunder’s Arena’s exclusive Black Friday release of Frey vs. Eagle
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December 2015 – Biff Farrell starring in BG East’s The Comeback 2: Joe Mazetti.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

There was quite a flurry of November new releases at the end of the month. I didn’t come close to sampling everything hitting the market, because I have only so much money and time. But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t moved by what I did see, and when it comes to selecting my favorite each month, the name of the game is what grabbed my attention and tickled my crotch most. So, yes, I’m ready to anoint a new homoerotic wrestler of the month, and based on the sweaty fantasies haunting my dreams in the wee hours of the mornings, that wrestler is…

 

Eagle4.png… Thunder’s Arena’s Eagle.

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Eagle has a classic bodybuilder physique!

This gorgeous newbie made a big, big splash in the homoerotic wrestling pool, debuting in Thunder’s Battlespace 84, then earning the unique distinction of co-starring the Thunder’s first ever extremely limited release,  available for one day only, running headlong into the beautiful muscle veteran Frey in Bodybuilder Battle 85.

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Strike a pose

Regular readers are aware that my HWOTM title tends to go to time-tested, fully formed wrestling personalities.  However, Eagle is definitely not the first, fresh out of the box, mouthwatering muscle man to rise to the top of the cop in a given month.  It takes a rookie with a particular set of jaw dropping assets to put him into this elite company. Bronzed, blond, blue-eyed fitness model Eagle possesses exactly those foot-in-the-door credentials to make me take a double take. And then some!

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“I’m not just a pretty face. I’ve got the brawn to go with it.”

Eagle has a delightfully compelling personality to compliment his muscle mag coverboy aesthetics. In his opening confessional with the camera, he acknowledges precisely what I’m thinking when he tells fans not to worry about his close-up-ready pretty face. Pointing those piercing, hauntingly luminescent eyes straight into your soul, the devastatingly handsome hunk flexes with a cocky sneer and explains that he’s built his comic book superhero physique into such a powerful, completely dominating mass of muscle in order to protect his picture perfect pretty face. He crunches those gargantuan pecs, pumps his massive, peaked biceps, and promises you that he’s abundantly equipped to emerge from any wrestling match every bit as pretty as he started.

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Coach didn’t teach you this, did he Eagle?  Look at the size of those upper legs!!!!

It’s a special joy when a newbie shows up to the homoerotic wrestling mats with unmistakable amateur wrestling experience. Eagle is every juicy ounce as comfortable, confident, and capable as Frey as they lock up, scramble, and score take downs. The narrative takes shape around the notion that Frey finds the fitness model newbie perfectly able to hold his own (and he’s welcome to hold mine anytime he’d like) when it comes to straight up speed, strenghth, and mat skill. After an impressive display of body awareness and control, a frustrated Frey initiates the beautiful rook into the rougher edges of professional homoerotic wrestling. Nut shots set up that wonderful arsenal of corporal punishment that they do NOT train you for in high school wrestling. OTK backbreakers, bone crunching bearhugs, and a spine crunching Boston crab work every bulging inch of the luscious newbie beautifully.

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Eagle squeezes out every last ounce!

Both Frey and Eagle stroll gracefully into one of my favorite plots as the newbie roars back to demonstrate he is a very quick study and enthusiastic to practice everything he’s learning on the fly. It’s his gargantuan quads that feature front and center and really make me gasp in unison with Frey struggling to feed his lungs oxygen. Those massive tree trunks are insane! And he crushes the bearded badboy like squeezing the last fraction of an ounce of toothpaste out of the tube. I buy it 110% when Frey submits, looking for the world like he’s desperate to make an appointment with his chiropractor to get his spine fixed after getting violently rearranged in more than one variation of Eagle’s scissors.

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He pounds his huge, flexed thighs demonstrating the power that just fucked Frey over!

And the newbie is so fucking proud. He preens and pumps cockily. He flexes those insane quads, pointing at them and trash talking the veteran writhing on the mat at his feet. And then here’s the plot point that makes me weak in the knees. Frey fucking goes after the goldenboy’s pride and joy. He targets Eagle’s huge thighs for a cruise missile attack. There’s no skirting around the edges. He doesn’t distract him with one thing in order to sneak attack the tree trunks on the sly. It’s ego versus ego as Frey charges headlong into what is undeniably the kid’s proudest asset and, at face value, his most devastating tool in threatening to upend his seasoned pro opponent.

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Uh oh. Speaking of getting fucked over!

Frey locks on a figure-4 leg lock, and suddenly all that luscious meat hanging off of the bone is useless! Eagle looks shocked.  He’s panicked as the reality of his knee about to snap in half washes over him. Technique and a perfectly executed plan defy the overwhelming momentum that the dazzling newbie was riding. All that mouthwatering promise, all that cocky, stunningly beautiful physical perfection, all that cocky, athletically accomplished, roaring young ego certain of his date with destiny… left screaming in a pool of sweat and tears.

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Eagle can’t walk when Frey is done with his pride and joy legs.

I’m hoping Eagle sharpens his talons and flies right back into the fray, because he completely did it for me in Bodybuilder Battle 85. In the mean time, for the body, the beauty, the wrestling, and the storytelling, Eagle is my new reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month.

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Physical perfection coming and going. Eagle is my new homoerotic wrestler of the month.

The Eagle Has Landed

Publishing over 1,300 blog posts over about 6 years comes with an occasional privilege. No, I don’t mean taking shit from rude people insulting me about my opinions. That’s just a gift that seems to keep on giving, true enough, but the privilege that I’m talking about today is an occasional sneak peak of homoerotic wrestling products not quite yet released. I was on a short list sent a wrestling match by Mr. Mike at Thunder’s Arena. They’re trying out a new marketing approach in honor of the most post-modern of holidays, Cyber Monday.  November 30, 2015, for one day only, you can download a muscle on muscle feast featuring industry titan Frey (aka, Austin Cooper) getting his hands all over new, young muscle phenom Eagle.

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Eagle is more than just a pretty face. But just look at that face!

I haven’t yet seen Eagle’s debut match against Dozer in Battlespace 84, so I’m late to the game in assessing this very tasty, fresh cut of meat. So you’ll forgive me if I take a moment to evaluate the promise of this magnificent kid. First of all, those eyes. I know, I know.  You aren’t shelling out cash to admire some guy’s eyes. But honestly, take a moment, because Eagle’s eyes are stunningly beautiful. Those eyes would stop me in my tracks if I saw this perched out a bar somewhere. Before I had the opportunity to confirm he’s built like the proverbial brick house, I’d be signing up for a ride based on nothing but those translucent, shimmering, riveting baby blue eyes.

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I’m calling it: the new goldenboy of homoerotic wrestling!

So, yes, the kid is pretty.  He knows what you’re thinking, too. Painfully pretty often means heel bait in homoerotic wrestling.  So Eagle gives you a little testimonial by way of introduction, assuring you that although he gets paid good money as a fitness model to look pretty, he’s got the muscle and the wrestling background behind him to be much, much, much more than a pretty face on the Thunder’s mats. Though, again, at the risk of repeating myself, I just have to say again, fuck, he is lusciously pretty.

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Frey may no longer be top goldenboy, but he’s not without his massive assets.

The title of this blog post was nearly “Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper,” but at Thunder’s, Eagle’s veteran opponent goes by Frey rather than Austin Cooper, as he’s known in competition elsewhere.  I’ve often referred to Austin as homoerotic wrestling’s reigning goldenboy, so it says something that dazzlingly pretty Eagle instantly rips that title from the veteran’s hands in the opening muscle pose down. Not that Frey isn’t every ounce as gorgeous and titillating as ever. He bulges in all the right places, and all of his bulges bounce and quiver with just the right heft. But if we’re talking homoerotic wrestling’s resident goldenboy, Frey looks downright pasty white and lumbersexual with his pale, pale skin and sinister red beard. Eagle is a bronzed god, with thighs that completely dwarf Frey’s powerful legs, and an incredibly aesthetic, perfectly proportioned back plunging via an incredibly tiny waist into a lush, powerful, thickly muscled set of glutes. At the risk of getting yet another boatload of hate mail from Coop fans, I’m just going to say what I see here: Eagle’s fitness, muscle size, muscle tone, tan, fuck, even his perfectly smooth skin tone puts the bulging, bearded veteran to shame. There, I said.  Let the hate zingers fly.

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Two phenomenal physiques. Two seriously impressive mat wrestlers!

Physique aesthetics are, however, merely one component in what turns me on about this genre, of course. So color me delighted when the opening third of this face off demonstrates that both Frey and Eagle are equally credentialed amateur wrestling masters.  They trade single leg take downs for days. They put each other’s backs to the mat with authority.  I’ve known from the beginning that Frey is an accomplished amateur mat wrestler, but seeing him get pushed and tested by this shining, golden kid that’s just smacked the pretty right off of Frey is completely unexpected.

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Shit just got real, Eagle.

I won’t spoil the drama of competition too much for you, but I think Mr. Mike will understand if I have to say that the heat turns way, way up once Frey starts teaching the beautiful young pretty boy the difference between amateur and professional wrestling. He lays the physique star out like Thanksgiving dinner in a long, lingering, agonizingly arching over the knee backbreaker that shows off most of the kid’s best assets. All of Eagle’s muscles are just laid out there for the veteran to torture.  Your amateur wrestling coach didn’t teach you about that, now did he, Eagle?

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Eagle’s thighs are HUGE and punishing!

Eagle is a quick study, though, and he is firmly in possession of all of the equipment necessary to not just dazzle fans, but also put the hurt on an opponent. It’s his gargantuan thighs crushing Frey’s ribs that slowly, wetly milk the grudging respect out of the veteran with a gasping submission. Frey has to take a minute to recover, which merely gives Eagle the time to flex and crow about his magnificent quads. He flexes those monsters in victory, and I’m signing up for the Eagle fan club instantly. Fuck, this guy is built!

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Now you’ve pissed him off, Eagle!

Frey is that much more determined to snap the kid off at the knees, targeting precisely Eagle’s pride and joy legs for the veteran’s last ditch effort not to suffer a humiliating defeat from the very same kid who snatched the title of reigning homoerotic wrestling goldenboy from him 10 seconds after taping started. Sure, the biceps and the pecs are fucking huge, but there’s nothing quite as titillating or entrancing as egos this massive pounding into one another in a desperate attempt not to be humiliated.

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Aesthetics. This kid needs, and clearly wants, to show us more skin.

One final, relatively minor point that I have to mention.  You know how a lot of homoerotic wrestlers, particularly newbies, are unable to contain their self-consciousness, how they tug and pull at their trunks to keep as much skin covered by the tiny swath of fabric that producers let them walk onto the mat with?  Well, Eagle does exactly the opposite.  He’s always tugging down at the top of his trunks.  It’s like he’s dying to show us how insanely tiny his muscled little waist is.  The relatively modest square cuts he’s in seem to persistently irritate him because they cover up too much of his perfectly unblemished, gorgeously bronzed skin. Every time he pulls them down, showing off a fraction of an inch more of his very lower abs, giving just a glimpse of his ripped, ridged hip flexors, I fucking love this dazzling beautiful kid a little more.  Get this beast out of square cuts and let his inner/outer exhibitionist fly free, Mr. Mike! Clearly both Eagle and I are just dying for him to show more skin.

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Have a very happy Cyber Monday.

I could get into celebrating Cyber Monday each year if there were more presents like this wrapped up and waiting for me.

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Just try to tear your eyes away from this pretty boy!