Author: wrestlebard

I'm a gay man with an active imagination.

Tats Named

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Topher worked his ass off to track down the answers to this week’s episode of Name that Tat. If he wasn’t such a smart ass, he’d definitely be teacher’s pet. Oh, what the hell. He’s both a smart ass and teacher’s pet. Nicely done, Topher! Let’s review the research that Topher had to do to pull together 5 correct answers.
Tat #1 indeed belongs to…
… co-reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month, Brook Stetson.
Here, Brook’s about to plant his fantastic ass down onto the face of Skrapper in BG East’s Catch Weight 2. The fact that Skrapper didn’t pee his blue trunks the moment he faced-off with this beast makes me seriously respect the skrappy one.

Holy hell, what a catch weight match! Brook’s choice to completely unnecessarily yank on Skrapper’s hair as he squashes him like a bug is just further evidence of why the brute is co-holder of the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month!
Topher had to get a little help from teacher to identify tat #2…
 …which indeed belongs to Can-Am “exclusive” Michael Vineland.
In this pic, Michael is both dominating Landon Mycles and stroking the rookie’s crotch. I made a lot out of Landon’s debut, facing off against Michael in Can-Am’s Pro Sex Fight 1, earning the blue-eyed smirker his own homoerotic wrestler of the month title. Landon also showed up as a prior answer to Name That Ass. But this time around, I’m admiring Michael, his big, hard muscles, and his sweet ink.

That’s right, Landon. Breathe deep and enjoy the view.

Tat #3 gave Topher his toughest challenge, but it clearly belongs to…
Thunder’s Arena’s Jackson.
Despite Topher not seeming to appreciate my additional clues, I indeed have no interest in living in Jackson, Mississippi (though I might enjoy a vacation camping out in Jackson, the wrestler), or in St. Louis, aka STL. 

You know how there are some intuitive responses we have to wrestlers that we don’t really know where they come from? That’s my take on Jackson.  I was completely fixated on him when he debuted against STL in Thunder’s Arena’s Mat Wars 22, yet Jackson’s double-team partner in that match, Scooter, left me merely luke warm. As for the fratboy with Topher’s “lord and master Jesus inked on his side,” however, I’m a fan.
Tat #4 appears to have posed Topher little challenge.
It belongs to BG East’s stunningly handsome Angelo Damato.
Here, Angelo is in a position that makes me green with envy: trapped between Joshua Goodman’s (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!) thighs in Backyard Brawls 3. Angelo’s ass pressed against Joshua’s crotch is the most inspired pairing since  Ang Lee called up Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger and said, “I’ve got a movie for you boys.” 

Of course, Mr. Joshua squirming like a worm trapped between the vice that is Angelo’s tree trunk thighs is awfully entertaining as well.

And finally, Topher appears to have had no problem identifying tat #5 as belonging to…
Can-Am’s Andrew Lane.
Andrew’s brief tenure wrestling for Can-Am seems to have always paired him off with muscle hunk Lincoln Lode. Here, Andrew pins the dark and handsome one with his crotch, displaying Lincoln’s #1 asset to perfection (except for the trunks) in Hotel Hell: Toronto.

Despite a few moments of gloating glory, Andrew almost always played the jobber (and played it well). The bulging muscles and up-for-anything attitude makes me wish that Andrew was still in the biz, so that he could meet my other favorite red-headed homoerotic wrestler, Kid Karisma. After Kid K beat Andrew senseless, they’d surely have made sweet, sweet music together as a fire-cracker tag team.
So there you go. Technically, Topher did require a little extra help, and he didn’t explicitly name all of the opponents. But I’m tempted to offer him the prize for a perfect paper, anyway. What do you think? Does he deserve full credit for his standout performance?

Name That Tat

wrestlebard8 Comments
We’re returning to the subject of tats for this week’s quiz. I love some beautiful ink on a hot, hard body, especially a body engaged in homoerotic wrestling. I realize that not everyone is as motivated by tattoos as I am, which is just further proof that there are different strokes for different folks. I’m sure part of my delight in aesthetically choice ink is that I’m awfully proud of my own tats. So for the aficionado of homoerotic wrestling tats who can be the first to identify the inked homoerotic wrestlers below, along with their opponents in each pic, I’ll be happy to send you a pic of one of my own tats. The deadline for this open-book quiz is tomorrow afternoon. Feel free to post your answers/guesses in the comments below, or drop me an email. In increasing order of difficulty, the tats to name are…
Tat #1:
If you can’t name this tat, welcome to my blog! You must be brand new around here, because this ink is so distinctive and the wrestler has been at the top of my list of homoerotic wrestlers to talk about lately. I’m jealous of the lucky, lucky artist who was given the opportunity to ink this wraparound, multi-colored dragon stretching around this big, stunning hunk’s left thigh, up his ass and hip, and across his lower back. Now that’s commitment that turns me on! And speaking of turning me on, the cocky, sneering grin on his classically handsome face as he crushes still another completely outmatched opponent (this opponent in this pic is way, way, way outmatched) is profoundly arousing. 5’11. 240 pounds. If you have no idea who tat #1 belongs to, I suggest you may want to take a make up quiz after a month of intensive study of contemporary homoerotic wrestlers. Trust me. You’ll thank me.
Tat #2:

I think this ink may be a little tougher to identify for novices, but the match from which it comes has been frequently mentioned on this blog. Look at those thick, veiny pecs! Sweet. Also sweet is the fantastic chemistry between this homoerotic wrestler and his opponent in this match. Every hold is simply a tool for lustful exploration and adoration of their bodies. This big, muscle stud homoerotic wrestler is pictured here in control of his opponent who was both a former “Name That Ass” answer as well as a pervious homoerotic wrestler of the month. I can’t put my finger on his height/weight stats, but he’s big and beautiful.

Returning to the theme of “commitment” exemplified by body art, this portrait of Jesus being crucified, inked across the rib cage of a homoerotic wrestler is full of delightful contradictions and irony. A believer this devout who pops up repeatedly in wrestling matches marketed (let’s face it) primarily to the gay wrestling kinkster just makes me smile. And then there’s the iconic image of abject suffering sketched across the hot body of a rookie who, let’s face it, suffers a whole lot in one humiliating wrestling match after another. Well, to be honest, he’s been in one published product, in sort of a daisy chain of wrestling scenarios, roughly sketched out as two “matches.” In the pay-site, you can just recently also find him getting a wrestling tutorial from another awesomely tatted wrestler who was a former “Name That Tat” answer. And for that matter, the muscle opponent crushing this homoerotic wrestler in the pic above was also a “Name That Tat” answer. The crucifix stud above is 5’8″, 170 pounds, with a frat boy face that turns me on when it’s twisted in agony.

I was introduced to this tatted homoerotic wrestler when I was invited to write copy for the website describing one of his recent releases. It’s his legs that blow my mind and turn me on the most. They’re thick and clearly incredibly strong, and when he scissors his opponents’ bodies between them, I believe every scream of desperate pain that they elicit. He looks like a classic Italian statue, I think. Listed at 5’8″, 178 pounds, in this pic he faces an opponent that I’ve mentioned no fewer than 28 times on this blog (and many, many more to come, I suspect).
Tat #5:
I’ve mentioned before that I sometimes have a craving for freckled, red-headed homoerotic wrestling muscle stud. In those moments, this is one of my go-to homoerotic wrestler boys to scratch my itch. I’ve admired this beefy babyface many, many times, and I have to admit, I somehow never noticed this provocative tat between his shoulder blades until very recently. It looks like a superhero symbol, in which case, this homoerotic wrestler’s moniker should probably be Captain Beat-Me-Senseless. And speaking of superheroes, he’s appeared as superhero “Crush,” and superhero “Blue Wing.” This is intended to be advanced quiz material, so that’s all I’ll give you for this hunk with a peaches-n-cream complexion.
Good luck. You may begin.

Back Again

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It should come as no surprise that I’m a fan of a beautiful ass. Even more than just ass, though, I love a strong ass that’s the foundation for a hard, muscled, expansive back. Huge wide shoulders, lats draped like living room curtains, corded lower back outlining the spine, and a narrow waist make sense out of a strong ass.
The art of the male body from behind attracts me not just because it arouses (though it does). Certainly, seeing a gorgeous back pointing like an arrow to a deeply creviced ass crack inevitably brings to mind the opening sequence between Stuart and Nathan in the BBC Queer as Folk. But it’s not just about the fuck. Honestly, a beautiful back inspires awe in me. This is just beautiful.

In addition to Stuart and Nathan from Queer as Folk, a strong back also inevitably calls to mind all the back punishment delights that could be unleashed. Less toned backs would fold and wither far too fast, but a thickly muscled back inspires images of hours of endured homoerotic assault.

Vulnerability. Power. Grace. Strength.

Simply beautiful.

Six Degrees of Separation

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I like to think of myself as versatile. For example, I’m deeply aroused by grunting, sweaty carnal aggression building to domination and humiliation (particularly in the wresting ring). At the same time, it’s also absolutely true that passionate tenderness exchanged between two men is also a fantastic turn-on for me. A deep, lingering, all-in kiss does, not infrequently, put me over the top.
BBW v Liam Ryan – BG East’s Squared Circle 3: The Contest
In the spirit of the old children’s game “telephone,” or more contemporarily, “six degrees from Kevin Bacon,” I’ve been having a great deal of fun tracing the tag of homoerotic wrestling kisses. For example, let’s randomly start with this pic of the Brooklyn Bodywrecker mounting little Liam Ryan (the ring rope caught between their crotches makes me swoon). Liam looks understandably entranced with the naked muscle stud heel pausing from his path of destruction to, dare I say lovingly, plant a passionate kiss on him.
Liam Ryan v Iain Scott – BG East’s Britbouts 2
Those same lips of little Liam also enjoyed tasting Scottish hunk Iain Scott, who looks almost chummy in this stolen moment of tenderness, belying the brutal discipline he has in store for his twink opponent.
Iain Scott v Sean Patrick – BG East’s Sexy Showdown 3
It was also hunky Iain’s lips that hungrily paused in his crotch-staining treatment of Sean Patrick to apply a passionate liplock. 
Sean Patrick v Dick the Prick – BG East’s X-Fights 22
Of course, it was Sean Patrick who was known notoriously as “the Kisser,” with his understandably incapacitating go-to maneuver of sucking face, like he did with Dick the Prick, seemingly sucking the fight right out of his opponent, at least momentarily.
Dick the Prick v Jeff Jordan – BG East’s Wrestle Shack 1
Dick the Prick, in turn, enjoyed more than one passionate oral exchange, such as this stunningly gorgeous embrace post-match with the beautiful Jeff Jordan.
Jeff Jordan v Luis Camacho – BG East’s Matmen 15
I find it no surprise at all that Jeff Jordan’s opponents often couldn’t help themselves, with Jeff’s prone, fit, muscle body underneath them and his devastatingly handsome face looking up at them, but to tenderly cradle his head and pull his lips to theirs. Luis Camacho apparently never wrestled, much less paused mid-wrestling to kiss the Brooklyn Bodywrecker, but Luis kissed Jeff Jordan, who kissed Dick the Prick, who kissed Sean Patrick, who kissed Iain Scott, who kissed Liam Ryan, who did, indeed, enjoy kissing the Brooklyn Bodywrecker. Damn, I’d like to get in on that daisy chain…

I’ll Buy That

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Sex sells. At the very least, I’m buying whatever it is that Jared Prudoff is putting out there for consumption, all naked and gorgeous and making me helpless to resist my capitalist masters.

I have no idea what I’d do with a giant, oversized “hand”bag/suitcase. It’s not as if I’d ever use it. It wouldn’t even qualify for carry on luggage for the plane, would it?

Can I buy *that* Homme de Pouvoir handbag, specifically? The one that Jared is rubbing against his cock, that one? Promise me it has a little of Jared juice left over, and I’ll pay double. Have Jared deliver it on my doorstep dressed exactly like this, and I’ll max out my credit cards for it.

My gratitude to Homotrophy for pointing me in the direction of Jared’s Homme de Pouvoir campaign. Some readers may recognize Jared from his starring role in the Secretarial Pool auditions that I was posting this time last year, in which eight stunning male models competed for a seat at the table of my fictional homoerotic wrestling universe executive staff. Jared clawed, squeezed, pumped and stroked his way to victory in my wrestling kinked imagination to come out on top, literally and figuratively, and become the newest golden boy to help rule the world. Jared and his colleagues are back in my homoerotic wrestling fiction sights, with a new storyline for the secretarial pool currently in production. In the mean time, I’m happy to see that Jared and all his naked gorgeousness are riding high in this universe, as well.

Asses Named

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Congratulations to Stay Puft, who posted the best score for this week’s edition of Name That Ass! All of these glutes this week should be on your list of homoerotic wrestlers to watch. I own matches with all of these hot hunks, and they’re all cherished possessions. Now pull out your quizzes and let’s review the answers…
Ass #1 belongs to…
…the Z-Man, Zack Vazquez/Zack Johnathan… whatever you’d like to call him, I get the impression he’ll answer you.
It’s Thunder’s Arena wrestler Sebastian showing off the Z-Man’s moneymaker in a feet-off-the-floor bearhug in Battlespace 10. The Z-Man hasn’t always jobbed, but let’s face it, he’s jobbed more than his fair share. I’m glad to see in his recent debut with BG East that he’s got a little more to offer than just having his ass beat up and down and shown off from every angle. It is, indeed, a nice ass, though.
Ass #2 belongs to…
…BG East muscle god himself, Wade Cutler.
I was just talking about this proportionally perfect muscle god! Those pecs come in a close second place for my favorite Wade Cutler body part, but hands down, it’s that gorgeous ass that’s at the top of my list. Again, I say, Rod Duart in X-Fights 19 was one damn lucky rookie.
Ass #3 belongs to…
…legendary pornboy, Scott Randsome (aka Kurtus Beefcake).
Specifically, here he’s grinding his balls into still another legendary pornboy, Tom Katt for BG Enterprise’s Fantasy Fight 2. Tom has his eye, and hands, on Scott’s ass from the get-go, but the battle to determine who’s ass is getting fucked is far from a given. Fans of full contact muscle on muscle wrestling simply must own this match.

Ass #4 belongs to…
…Steve Shannon.
Steve did just a few matches for Can-Am, including this appearance on the mats and then in the oil (ah, Can-Am), in Czech Tag Team 2. He wrestled alongside of Sonny Markham, another musceboy extraordinaire, and they faced off against the titular Czechs, Jirka Kalvoda and Jarda Kolar. I’m more familiar with Steve’s more competitive work for On Top Wrestling, and his much, much less competitive wrestling for Sharpshooters. Damn, that’s one gorgeous golden blond man.
Finally, ass #5 belongs to…
…BG East bad boy classic, Jose.
You know you’re a bad ass when you only need one name to inspire fear. Here, Jose wrestles in one of the Paradise oil wrestling matches, up against The Lineman. Jose kicked ass all the time. Always. Satisfyingly. And his cock had its own zip code. Look at the sneer on that face, and then scroll back up and enjoy the ass again.
No shame if you didn’t score a perfect 100. It’s just a signal that you need to watch a lot more homoerotic wrestling. Enjoy your studies!

Name That Ass

wrestlebard4 Comments
You know the set up. Based on scant evidence, see if you can identify the homoerotic wrestlers to whom  these fine glutes belong. Never played before? You might want to take some practice quizzes first, just to bone up on wrestling asses. As always, I’ll post the answers tomorrow. The first person to identify all five wrestlers below before the answers are posted, in addition to the opponents in the matches pictured, will not only get bragging rights as teacher’s pet, but I’ll also write you a custom, made-to-order fictional homoerotic wrestling match. Today’s quiz is a theme set, comprised entirely of “classics,” iconic homoerotic wrestlers. This is an open-book quiz, so feel free to consult your notes. Let me know how you do by dropping your answers in the comments below or by sending me an email. Good luck!
Ass #1:
I’ve been hard on this homoerotic wrestling ass… so to speak. However, this wrestler is undeniably prolific, and indisputably gorgeous, and like it or not, he is, at the very least, a fixture, if not an icon, in homoerotic wrestling. 5’10”, 170 pounds, smooth, lickable skin… he’s appropriately very proud of his granite carved abs, which he enjoys dusting off dismissively after squeezing out a submission from his opponent. If it weren’t for that cheesy smirk that creeps across his face far too often, I’d be a bigger fan. But I’m liking his most recent work, and hoping that his quality of wrestling starts to elevate to the quantity of this wrestling. I figure even novices know this ass, but identifying his opponent will be the challenge for intermediate students of homoerotic wrestling asses.
Ass #2:
These gorgeous round cheeks have haunted my dreams. Really, I’ve had dreams starring this classic homoerotic wrestler, and they’ve been fantastically memorable.  He’s listed at 5’6″ and 165 pounds of aesthetically perfect muscle, but his proportions make him look a half foot taller than that, in my opinion. In addition to qualifying in my book as a muscle god, he was also a muscle jobber with a lot of personality. He always sold me convincingly the story of a cocky stud used to getting his way on looks and strength, astonished to discover himself on the bad end of a humiliating beating. He was wrestling an opponent here who was in his debut match (the opponent only tallied three matches in all). What a lucky, lucky boy to be initiated into homoerotic wrestling with this hunk’s cock crushed against your face!

Ass #3:
This homoerotic wrestling ass has provided me what must add up to years of entertainment (counting all the repeat viewings). Iconic as hell, this pornboy always rocked me. I remember seeing his ads in the back of muscle mags as a kid, selling his “workout and lifestyle” videos. At 5’10” and reportedly 202 pounds of big, thick muscle, when he slapped his balls down on top of this particular opponent’s nose, I was in heaven. I own this match. I love this match. Iconic muscle stud v iconic muscle god. Both of them snarling, humiliating, craving the opportunity to fuck the other one senseless. I think you can still find this product from the original distributor, or through a more prominent homoerotic wrestling company selling them these days. You can tell me either name under which he wrestled, and any of the multiple spellings of either name that I can find in print, and still get full credit.
Ass #4:

Iconic? in my mind, absolutely. I had a crush on this blond muscle boy the instant I saw him. I wasted way too much cash with my early introduction to porn-on-demand by watching and re-watching his Triple Play. This pornboy did quite a bit of “bi” porn, which speaks absolutely nothing to me. But his wrestling was hot, if only sometimes competitive. In the match pictured, he was in a tag team bout with another iconic muscle pornboy, facing off against some Eastern European phenoms (go ahead, name them all… show off a little). Most of the pics I can find from this match show someone’s hand squeezing this fine ass, which I totally understand.
Ass #5:
Does this ass look familiar? The gargantuan python stretching the fabric of his viciously wedgied trunks from the front could very well give this away. You’d be forgiven for not remembering the ass, in fact, due to the astonishing sight of this fantastic homoerotic wrestling hunk from the front, once the trunks come off, which they usually did. He’s listed at 5’10” and 174 pounds, but I think more memorable would have been the stats on his stunning cock (I’d guess 9 inches and 3 pounds). He was very productive in homoerotic wrestling, appearing in 17 or so matches. He was a nasty heel with a predilection for clawing at an opponent’s abs like pulling pork off the bone. The shiny sheen on the bodies in this pic should make it simple enough to narrow down the opponent… once you’ve identified the ass in question.
It’s all fun and games, so feel free to post what you come up with. I’m quick with praise and humiliate underperforming students only if that’s what they get off on. Good luck!

Bill of Goods

wrestlebard1 Comment
As I’ve made a lot of hay passing judgment on homoerotic wrestling matches and wrestlers, Kid Leopard’s words of caution from the BG East Headquarter’s discussion group frequently come to mind. KL has, on more than one occasion, cautioned commenters not to turn catty as we discuss wrestler’s bodies. The fine wrestlers who strip down and lock up for our entertainment are, in fact, real guys with bruisable egos, who don’t sign up to have every aspect of their physiques trashed and insulted. I think there is a relatively fine line, however. Let’s face it, the bodies are, themselves, major draws that make us tune in. As consumers, we pay up to be entertained, which in large part includes enjoying the appearance of wrestlers’ barely clad/unclad bodies. It’s hardly surprising that we have things to say about wrestler’s bodies. “His ass is hot,” and, “His ass is fat,” come from essentially the same observational position, and frankly they may both represent about the same quantity of charitable spirit. We buy a product, and therefore we feel entitled to treat that product, including the appearance of bodies, as objects available for us to critique. Still, with KL’s words playing in the back of my head like Jiminy Cricket, I try my best to stay on the respectful side of the fine line as I presume to comment on homoerotic wrestlers’ physiques.

With that preamble in mind, let me just ask you: is Naked Kombat’s new rookie, Cliff Jensen, what you’d characterize as a “muscle god?” NK’s text teaser to get you to click through to the match characterizes this pairing as, “Huge-dicked muscle god takes on sexy stud.” Sebastian Keyes is a scrappy little wrestler who fulfills my fantasy of what it would be like to see Seth Green in homoerotic combat.  I’m 100% certain that Sebastian is the “sexy stud,” and not the “huge-dicked muscle god.” Which means that Cliff Jensen must be the one NK is selling as the huge-dicked muscled god in this scenario.

At the risk of sounding catty, I don’t buy the line that Cliff Jensen is a muscle god. Huge-dicked, okay. But muscle god? Is this the physique of a muscle god?

Let me be absolutely clear. It’s not Cliff or his physique that I’m taking issue with. It’s the marketing mind, casting him as the huge-dicked muscle god, that I’m quibbling with. I’d wrestle Cliff in a heartbeat. I’d spank his sweet ass (he seems to like that), and I’d fuck him (he loses but tops from the bottom, so not sure if that says more about Sebastian or Cliff), and I’d count myself as very, very fortunate for the opportunity. I’m infatuated with Cliff’s ink, and in particular, his dragon tat across his right shoulder blade (watch for him in a future installment of Name That Tat!). At 6’3″, he’s a tall drink of water, and there’s no disputing that the boy is physically fit (despite getting winded early in his debut), carrying very little body fat. I hope that I’m not coming across as catty and insulting, because I think he’s a tall, sexy frat boy with plenty of potential. But I balk at characterizing Cliff Jensen as a muscle god.

I’m probably as culpable as anyone in over-ascribing godliness to certain homoerotic wrestling bodies. But when I wax hyperbolic about a physique, it tends to come from a place of nearly disbelieving awe. That body simply cannot be solely human. His face is too handsome. His proportions are too perfect. When it comes specifically to the characterization of “muscle god,” I tend to picture physique stars with slabs of beef hanging off of their skeletons like a meat locker. “Muscle god,” I think, requires competition bodybuilding quality muscle, thick, defined, a little freakish (though I reserve a whole different class of adoration for the “muscle freak“). I’m picturing the mountainously muscled Thunder’s Arena’s Conan, for example…

…or the inhumanly perfect aesthetics of classic BG East muscle man Wade Cutler…

…or even the simply gorgeous, powerful, thick, hard, veiny awesomeness of Kid Brock.

I buy “muscle god” for a lot of homoerotic wrestling physiques, frankly. There are a lot of fine works of art wrestling out there with entirely worship-worthy bodies with more than an echo of divinity built in. But Cliff Jensen’s charm is just not cut from that cloth, I’d argue.

He’s pretty. His long and hunky. He likes his ass spanked hard, god damn it. And for all of that (along with the stunning body art), I’m a fan of the rookie. But “muscle god?”

I just don’t think so.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

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Ah, hell. The task of sorting through the potential homoerotic wrestlers of the month for March is paralyzingly difficult. Everywhere I turn, there’s another beautiful bauble catching my eye. Typically, I like to run down all the contenders, even those who I may not have seriously considered for the title, but who deserve an honorable mention. There are just too many honorable mentions to mention this month, so I’m giving you might top tier, March 2011 elite eight from which I made the very difficult call of who’s taking the title as my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month. No one will be surprised to hear that Patrick Donovan is definitely a finalist, for his very sweet initiation of the Z-Man into the delights of BG East in Sunshine Shooters 4. Z-Man would have gotten one of those honorable mentions if I hadn’t felt so overwhelmed this month (though, I suppose I just honorably mentioned him). Equally unsurprising will be both Brook Stetson and Mitch Colby for their Sunshine Shooters face off. Holy hell that’s one hot, intense match. Kid Karisma slaps away a whole boatload of would-be honorable mentions with his freckled bulging bicep and fantastic victory celebration over Christian Taylor in Wet & Wild 5. Despite my incredulity toward Joe at Ringside at Skull Island for insisting that Ringwars 19 is the must-have collection of the year so far, I have to admit that Alexi Adamov secured his spot in my elite eight this month just as relentlessly as he secured Nick Naughton’s face trapped between Alexi’s sweaty thighs as he dangled from the rafters. I’m giving Naked Kombat’s DJ another very impressed nod into the final elimination round for his total mastery of Kyle Braun on March 23. Spot #7 in my elite eight I’m going to hand to Big Sexy from Thunder’s Arena for exactly three reasons: he’s big; he’s sexy; and he spends about 90% of camera time in No Holds Barred 6 with his hand wrapped around Z-Man’s balls. My final spot in my elite eight had belonged totally and solidly to Cameron Matthews for Can-Am’s Pro Bashed Triple Threat… until yesterday, when Rock Hard Wrestling came out at the very last second dangling Travis Storm in front of me, pounding a sweaty beat down on Chris Cox/Christian Taylor. The Southern boy with big teeth, a huge back tat, and a hot, fit body turns my eye yet again, and Travis slips in under the wire to be a finalist this month (especially for his fantastic final fall finish as he screams at Chris ferociously with the long and lanky one draped helplessly across his knee).

Damn, that is one fine stable of homoerotic wrestlers who all powerfully impressed me in their March new releases. Sending 7 of these hardbody hunks home seems somehow unthinkable. But you don’t pay me the big bucks to equivocate (I know, you’ve heard that joke before). After agonizing and sweating over this, pouring over match after match, exhausting myself with studying the fine, subtle details that require repeat viewing after repeat viewing, I’ve made my decision. It’s a first for my reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month title, in that it’s a 2-way tie. There’s just no way to give one of these boys the advantage. I simply have to name them co-holders of the reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month title:

Mitch Colby and Brook Stetson 
I’ve already vetted their Sunshine Shooters 4 match extensively, and Joe has also taken a turn singing its praises. But you know me. I’m never at a loss for more words of wonder at a truly inspiring, crazy sexy homoerotic wrestling match.
Brook was a surprise to me. I’d never seen the big hunk of hairy muscle in action before, though I’ve marveled at him in still-frame plenty. His jaw is just too square, I thought. He looks too much like he’s been ripped off of a cigarette ad… or a Colt Model centerfold. I walked into this match with eyes for no one other than Mitch, who has long been a homoerotic wrestler title holder emeritus, regardless of where he happens to fall at any given time in my rankings. About 2 seconds after the pre-match stretch-n-flex starts, I’m enthralled with Brook. Like Mitch, I can’t help but find my eyes wandering back in awe at his hot body and commanding, nay, domineering presence before he even lays eyes on Mitch. He fills up a room, particularly a relatively compact Florida sunroom, with more than just his 5’11”, 240 pound body.

Despite my helpless awe in my initiation into the wonders that are Brook Stetson, Mitch quickly grabs me by the chin and demands the appreciation that he’s come to expect from me. This is Mitch in peak physical condition, tanned and toned, thick in all the right places, tight and narrow everywhere else. I could camp out for days on Mitch’s body and never grow tired of adoring his pecs, stroking his powerful thighs, licking his biceps (for starters)…

Faced with a mountain of a muscle man in front of him, Mitch looks vulnerable, which is the beginning of my crazy lust for Mitch to keep facing that fear, to keep getting outmuscled and tossed around by his heavier opponent, to keep getting twisted and pried and crushed and still keep coming back for more.

Intensity is the word that keeps coming up in relation to this match. The wrestling is intense and up close. The grunts and flexes and squeezes and crunches are intense. The stunningly hot bodies, with sweat dripping onto one another as they exchange riding time on top, is mesmerizing. This match is not about looking pretty or playing or horsing around or hamming it up (not that those things don’t have a charm). It’s not about choreography. It is about two big, hard hunks in intense muscle v muscle competition, with fantastically entertaining jock strap wrestling building to a climax of complete domination and hunk humiliation. Both Brook and Mitch equally make this my favorite homoerotic wrestling match this past month, so there’s just no way around it. Brook Stetson and Mitch Colby are tied for the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month.

A Knockout

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Photographer Joe Oppedisano simply connects all the dots between wrestling/fighting and homoerotic kink. In addition to some sweet, tasty pics (look under photos/artistic/Knockout), you can also appreciate a “making of” the Knockout photo shoot, via Greenwood Cooper and downloadable via Queer Channels On Demand (QUOD), if you live somewhere quite a ways east of where I live. I can’t attest to the reliability of QUOD, so this isn’t me telling you lucky, lucky boys in the UK to unload some pounds with them (you probably know better than I do). I am, however, quite certain that Joe’s eye peering through the viewer of his camera is seeing exactly what I’m seeing.

The intensity and intimacy of combat is erotic. Period. Straighten it up all you want, but I just can’t bring myself to believe that the homoerotic kink is a late-comer to male combat sports. Joe’s art may shorten the distance between HBO pay per view fights and Naked Kombat, but I refuse to accept that anyone alive today suddenly invented the notion that hot, hard, sweaty men pounding, squeezing, and climbing on top of each other until one of them is flat on his back and begging for mercy is sexy. As. Hell.

Full contact, I’m on the record, is not as arousing and engaging as wrestling for my tastes. It’s not that the moment a big, blond hunk’s eyes roll into the top of his head, as the tatted bad ass cracks his shin across the side of his face, doesn’t make my blood pump in all the right places. It’s just over so quickly. I need a little time to savor it, to milk the moment (so to speak), to be moved by the suspense of pressure and leverage and endurance and domination. When one hunk can turn the lights out on the other in a split second, I have to worry that it’ll all be over and done with way, way too soon.

QUOD tells me that I live in the wrong part of the world to check out Knockout. This is just one more reason I need to move to the UK (along with Russell Tovey, the real Being Human, Ashley Ryder and Grapple 101).