wrestlebard

A Surly Story

May 19, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebard1 Comment

My recent post about Illinois Congressman Aaron Shock has made me think more about self-hating gays (for some reason). Our history is littered with internalized homophobes fighting against the “creeping gay” in society as mere metaphor for their inability to accept themselves for the cock-loving homos that they, themselves, are. The congressman’s pics from Men’s Health, I noted, give him a pouty, belligerent look as he stares at the camera with a little twist of disgust mingled with loathing. I’m sure I project too far when I say that it seems like he’s just daring the (let’s face it) strongly gay audience for men’s “fitness” magazines to lust after him.

This got me thinking about the male model more generally. It’s certainly not the case that the congressman is the first coverboy to be published looking pouty and put-out.

The slightly raised upper lip, the furrowed brow, even as beautiful model Seth Kuhlmann tugs at his muscle-t shoulder straps to show off his smooth pecs and dessert-like nipple tells a similar story. And I suppose, that’s the mark of a skilled model, in that he tells a story. Delectable sexy skin and an irritated, contemptuous snarl provoke both a closer look and a wonder to know more about what’s going in that beautiful, beautiful head of his.

Tattooed hunks recently featured this astonishingly beautiful muscle boy under the title, “Surly Hunk.” Indeed, perhaps it’s surliness that’s the backstory. Perhaps with a worship-worthy body like that, this fine specimen of gorgeous male beauty spends morning, noon and night fucking anything at all that he wants, leading to late nights that make early morning photoshoots a bit of a chore. Maybe the story here is, sure, he’ll take the paycheck, but he’s not happy with his agent for negotiating a 6:30 am shoot after he’s been the star player in a muscle hunk three way romp all night long.

I think the body-beautiful male model who looks put-out has something to say to my own kink for hot, hunky wrestling. One possible backstory is the “dare” part of that scenario I’m imagining for the congressman. The look could speak to the pre-match stare down, the all-business “just take a look at the physique that’s going to own your ass before we’re done here” posturing. An icy, unflinching, nearly zero affect (with just traces of something unnamed boiling underneath the surface) gaze is classic for homoerotic wrestling. Perhaps what catches my eye in the “surly” fitness boy pose is an echo of the nose-to-nose stare down before two barely clad gladiators proceed to use only their bodies to pry, pound, crunch and crush one another until one man concedes that despite all of his earlier bluster, he is undeniably inferior to the studly victor flexing overtop of him.

It’s art, at it’s core, though, so an equally powerful read of the scowling muscle hunk model emerges from a self-hating motif. “I know you lust for me, and I despise you for it” could just as easily be evoked. I strongly suspect that male models have to make some peace (of some sort) with the inescapable fact that they will be orgasm-fuel for gay boys across the globe. Indeed, some of the same boys who do “surly” so well also model in clearly gay-themed campaigns for designer underwear (and there’s no self-respecting straight boy who’s combing through magazines looking for a hot guy tugging at his designer underwear in order to get inspiration for what he should wear…. expect for, perhaps, the aforementioned congressman). But speaking of the congressman, when you put out an explicitly gay-unfriendly political platform and pander to moneybags with a penchant for demonizing the gays, AND you oil up your pecs and pose shirtless in “Men’s Health,” then I’m feeling a little more confident about the backstory I’m going to read into that work of art.

Wanting More

May 15, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebardLeave a comment

You know time must be tight for me when I don’t even have a Name That quiz to post on a Sunday. True enough, major work on the way to major professional achievements are sucking up every spare minute lately. There is an end in sight, which will be greatly celebrated, but in the mean time, I thought I’d mull a over a couple of well-worn thoughts about what I’d like to see more of in homoerotic wrestling.

While I haven’t had time to keep up with posts, I’ve still had time to sit down with some favorite homoerotic wrestling tapes (somehow, I always seem to find time for that!). I was soaking in some BG East Superbout Classics, namely #1 of that name, in which Kid Leopard faces body-beautiful loudmouth, Brian Baxter.

Holy hell. I love this wrestling! 1) It’s in the ring. Give me the same wrestlers, the same holds, the same dialogue, one match delivered in a wrestling ring and the other anywhere else, and I’ll always get a much, much bigger kink-hit off of the ring action. 2) There’s a snarling, shouting, jeering crowd off camera slinging insults and advice and exhortation toward the wrestlers. I’m enjoying the fact that Naked Kombat is dabbling in a live audience again after swearing they’d never do it again (new insurance carrier?), and I long for the day when BG East schedules some action in front of an audience again. Homoerotic kink wrestling as public spectacle is out… of… this… world fantasy-sexy. 3) This is really, really delightful wrestling. Both KL and Baxter work each other’s bodies with commanding, long-held, agonizing holds and awesomely painful manipulation of joints and physical tolerances. There’s just no fumbling, no “um, what do I do now” looks on anyone’s face. One seamless, sexy, confident, all-in wrestling story. And 4), it’s explicitly homoerotic.

I’m not above implied homoeroticism, of course. I’ll take trunks-on, aggressive domination with a gay wrestling kink “sensibility,” and I’ll run with it happily. But I do deeply appreciate some explicit homoeroticism, whether that be in trunks off action, in body worship/hands on delight, in loser-gets-fucked (or forced to suck) finales, or simply woven into the story through dialogue and backstory development. Case in point: Brian folds KL up, ankles over his head with his shoulders pinned to the mat. Brian holds him in place with his hips pressing down on KL’s ass. Always the smart-mouthed clown, Brian begins to hump KL’s ass, leaning forward and growling, “I’ve always wanted to do this Kid Leopard!” Then, with a chuckle, he adds in reference to another KL match, “I heard you had this done to you by Buddy Justice!”

KL has a tone of desperation in his voice (also under the strain of Baxter’s body pressing him in half), as he snarls, “Fuck you, and fuck him, too!”

As if he’s gotten what he wanted, Brian hops up, letting KL go. Sharp as a whip, a half a beat later, Brian snaps, “I will, and I have.” The crowd outside the ring goes wild, egging on the sexual under (and over!) tones of this match, in which Brian crows about his past sexual conquests and promises to have KL’s ass as well before the day is out (might have worked out for him, if he’d been a little more careful about where KL’s hand was when Brian sat down across his back).

Homo. Erotic. Wrestling. My kink. Always wanting more.

Not a Shock

May 11, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebard2 Comments

Crazy busy in my life for another two weeks, but I have to take note today of the pics of the Republican Congressman from Illinois who is featured bare-chested (and what a chest!) on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine. Aaron Shock has been selected as America’s fittest Congressman. Those of us who keep track of such things will also remember the homophobic response Representative Shock had to being teased for wearing a belt in a magazine pic that “made him look gay.” He jokes these days that he burned that belt. He also reminded everyone how very not-gay he is by criticizing the President’s decision to stop judicial defense of the so-called “Defense of Marriage Act.”

Uh-huh. You can’t see my eyes rolling right now. Notice the look of petulant irritation on his face in both of these Men’s Health pics, as if he knows full well that these male fitness mags are awfully popular as pre-porn with all the gay boys (at least, that’s why I scarfed them up with such enthusiasm as a teenager). It’s as if he’s pumped up and displaying his rippled abs and massive pecs against his will, stepping into so many gay boy’s sexual fantasies entirely involuntarily. My incredulity about a straight politician with a zero-bodyfat personal trainer body is about equal to my arousal in admiring those meaty round pecs of his. When he gives us the dramatic big reveal in a few years, acknowledging that he’s harbored the love that must not be named all along, I won’t bear a grudge (at least not one that can’t be settled in the ring).

Aaron… oh, Aaron. Like a good little cub doing daddy’s bidding, Aaron manages to twist his rocking abs and infinitely clawable pecs into an object lesson in the virtues of conservative politics, advocating for “personal responsibility and planning ahead” (read: the poor, the sick, the unemployed deserve to suffer without the aid of social welfare). It’s the same classist claptrap that we’ve heard for decades (centuries, really), just wrapped up in a much, much, much more attractive package deliberately designed to distract us from the content of his message. This all brings to mind a joint effort that I worked on with Bearhugs this winter, when we wrote a fictional wrestling encounter entitled “Threesome” over in Sidelineland. Threesome stars Adam, a fictional character who is a conservative operative, a staff member of a social conservative congressman in DC who’s a closet case with a gorgeous body and devastating good looks. By day, he winks at the housewives and makes political conservatism seem sexy. By night, he cruises the gay clubs looking for some muscle bottoms to pass the time. Adam gets himself in a little deeper than he expects, one night, as a threesome takes him home for rougher fun than he counted on.

Wouldn’t it be a “shock” to discover that a young, hot, ripped coverboy conservative congressman gets caught up in the same wrestling and bondage fetish trap? No, I agree with you. It wouldn’t be a shock at all.

Asses Named

May 10, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebard2 Comments

There were no grand prize winners for this week’s quiz, but these are some choice asses that you’ll want to know much better, if you don’t already. So pull out your answers and let’s see how you did:

Ass #1 belongs to…

… BG East’s Jordan.

So, it seems that the BG East website confuses “just” Jordan with Jeff Jordan, so even though this exotic dancer only wrestled three times (I hope my slightly inaccurate clue wasn’t misleading yesterday), he has a list of 10 products under his profile. Here, Jordan was unfortunate enough to be tossed into the matroom with one of my favorite classic muscle bullies, Mikey Vee, in Mat Hunks 5. All that pretty that Jordan brings with him is seriously compromised by the studly buzzsaw that is Mikey. We’ve got Brad Rochelle to thank (so goes the story) for convincing his dancer-rival to settle their rivalry on the BG East mat and in the ring (just one more thing we need to thank Brad for!).

Ass #2 belongs to…

Thunder’s Arena’s (and about to debut with BG East) Devin.

Devin has the distinct look of someone that I want on my side in a bar fight. He’s got such a huge, solid physique, and that gorgeous ass of his is simply awesome. He’s sold as a competitive MMAer, and this match for Thunder’s pits him against a Russian stunner, Eagle, that Devin reportedly connected with in his MMA travels. Mat Rats 1 is a delight for those who like to watch a tenacious, fast, and confident smaller guy really hold his own (and his opponent’s, for that matter) against a big muscle bruiser. And Eagle has a hot, tight body and a very sexy deep voice, with more of an Ohio accent than a “direct from Russia” one. But it’s Devin’s suffering that works for me above all else here.

Ass #3 belongs to…

…BG East’s Sandro.

Wow. Have I mentioned that already? Wow. The rest of Sandro is pleasing to look at, and he’s fun to watch wrestle, but again I say, that ass is first rate. This posed pic of Sandro from his absolutely most flattering side (behind) comes from his first published match, facing off against CJ Parker in Wrestleshack 11. It looks like CJ spends days trapped with his face shoved into Sandro’s crotch, which I’m sure is all sorts of delight, but how any of Sandro’s opponents manage to do anything other than squeeze that luscious bubble butt of his is beyond me.

Ass #4 belongs to…

Thunder’s Arena’s Iceman.

Stay Puft has mentioned that Iceman is one his his favorites, and it’s not hard to see why. I’d pay money for a body scissor between Iceman’s golden, massively thick quads. His ass doesn’t fall into the category of “bubble” by any means. Granite more like. And clearly he has balls for days to even play around with the likes of Johnny Bravo in Bodybuilder Battle 5 (is that a future Name That genre? Name Those Balls…).

Ass #5 belongs to…

…everyone’s Rio Garza.

Here, we’re treated to a savage Rio wedgie at the hands of Jobe Zander for BG East’s The Breaking Point: Sexier release. Of course, just a few months later, we saw Rio and Zander going toe-to-toe yet again for Can-Am’s Rocking Rio. Rio has a whole lot of beautiful assets, but his ass has to be at or near the top of the list for me, particularly when he’s in his fitness model condition. Needless to say, a gorgeous side of beef like Rio is never in danger of completely missing the point, as long as he’s taking a nasty beating and suffering like a pretty boy ought to.

So well done to those of you who took a stab at this week’s quiz!

Name That Ass

May 8, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebardLeave a comment

I considered Stay Puft’s suggestion of a Name That Foot edition of our game (his tongue in cheek, I do believe), but I’m jonesin’ for ass, so the asses have it. This week’s quiz is back to basics: homoerotic wrestlers with notable asses. You know the drill: name the homoerotic wrestler to whom each ass below belongs, based on the scant evidence I’ve provided. If you correctly name all the asses, you get a gold star. If you name all 5 asses and their opponents in the matches pictured, you can claim delivery of a custom, written-to-order homoerotic wrestling fantasy fiction, and you can recommend the genre for next week’s quiz. Best of luck!

Ass #1:

This is a truly gorgeous ass that immediately grabbed my attention when I first caught sight of it. The wrestler is almost painfully beautiful, proportioned like a classic Greek statue (if that classic Greek statue lived on protein shakes and worked out three times a day). He’s marketed at 189 pounds, appearing in two matches, though 10 matches pop up under his name. He’s sold as a male exotic dancer, which I believe without a second thought. This homoerotic wrestler was apparently brought in for his brief tenure in wrestling by one of my all time favorite icons of the business, but that’s not who he’s facing in the match pictured above.

Ass #2:

You might guess that this is a trick question, but no, ass #2 is not the same as ass #1 (though it looks like they shop at the same store). No, the homoerotic wrestler sporting this muscle butt is not exactly a “pretty boy” carved from polished marble (like ass #1). He brings to mind much more the sensibility of a muscle bear daddy. He’s just very, very recently jumped companies (or straddled, at least), and at 5’10” and 200 pounds, he’s an intimidating hunk of aggressive muscle anywhere he goes. In this match, he faces a Russian who he apparently recruited himself.

Ass #3:

Wow. Um, wow. I’ve marveled at this ass before, and I won’t be surprised to find myself struggling for words of awe for this ass again sometime. Excuse me for just a moment…. wow. Okay, so this bushy-browed boy has an adorable face, a fit, beautiful body, a tenacious spirit on the mats… but seriously, that ass is a show stopper. 5’9″ and 168 pounds, this shot comes from his very first homoerotic wrestling bout.

Ass #4:

This shapely, athletic muscle ass is dedicated to last week’s Name That Gear winner, Stay Puft. This ass belongs to one of Stay Puft’s favorites. 5’8″, 180 pounds, this stunningly fit, smooth boy is reportedly a cousin of another homoerotic wrestler who’s appeared in a Name That Tat quiz in the past. He’s billed as a former professional soccer player and worldclass kickboxer. The striated, bulging thighs that go with this irresistibly grabbable ass certainly point to the truth that this homoerotic wrestler is an impressive athlete (and one not to be fucked with). But if you’re going to fuck with him, it probably helps to be a half foot taller and 95 pounds heavier than he is (as is his opponent here).

Ass #5:

I typically list the asses in order of difficulty, but I suspect this will be the easiest for most readers to identify. As a result, I’ll say precious little by way of clues. The wrestler here is 6’0, 185 pounds, astonishingly prolific in a very brief amount of time, and the sadist delivering this vicious wedgie deserves a trophy for handing us a truly entertaining and sexy beatdown on this devastatingly pretty- pretty boy… twice.

Good luck, my friends. Let me know what you come up with.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

May 6, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebard1 Comment

Life is moving awfully fast for me lately, which I blame for eating up the time that I would typically spend posting more around neverland. It’s 99% exciting stuff, including some upcoming travel that I may have more to say about soon. But we’re 5 days into May and I still haven’t named a new reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month. Damn! Some poor hunk is going to get shortchanged five days from his reign, but who will be the lucky/unlucky wrestler? Let’s see…

We’re between catalogs for BG East, which is probably good for everyone else, because the preview pics in the BG East Arena for the upcoming catalog is driving me insane (excuse me, both my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler – non-pornboy division and his #1 contender on the same DVD?!). In the quiet lull between BGE releases, therefore, some other contenders have more of a shot at the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month for appearing in releases that came out for the calendar month of April 2011. First up, I’ll toss a bevy of Thunder’s Arena wrestlers into the hat, including Sledge and BamBam for Bodybuilder Battle 28, Batar and Rambo No Holds Barred 8, and Sledge (yet again) and smoking hot Eric Fury for Bodybuilder Battle 27. Naked Kombat put up my #1 favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy, Trent Diesel, in a tag team battle (which is all an excellent formula for success in catching my eye!), and I’ll give all four competitors golden tickets to the finale this month, including Trent, DJ, Leo Forte, and Seth Green look-a-like (and surprisingly ferocious) Sebastian Keyes. I’m also giving a nod to NK’s Brenn Wyson and Jackson for their April 20th match (reviewed excellently by Joe), and I’m picking just Nikko Alexander from the April 27th oil match, because he’s a hot, hard, snarling thug hunk who works his ass off in a 2-on-1. I’m having trouble remembering when Rock Hard Wrestling releases came out (I wish they’d date them to make this easier on me!), but I believe that Cody Nelson and Jeff Hollister/Skip Vance get a nod for their recent match, and late in the month, we saw bodybuilder boy wonder, Lucas Payne back for his second RHW match, this time against newbie Trent Novak. Can-Am’s Double-Teamed dropped in April, with an initial look that makes me include Jobe Zander, Rio Garza, and Brenden Cage in the mix. Pro Tag 1 also had an April official release, for which I’ll toss in Rio again, along with Aryx Quinn, Donnie Drake and Cameron Mathews. And speaking of Mr. Mathews, he’s been a busy boy both in front of the camera and behind it, producing his own series marketed through Can-Am, for which I’ll give him several more nods, as well as a top shape Braden Charron in East Coast Mat Battle, and Aryx again for looking particularly tasty in what I’ve seen so far of East Coast Rope Battle.

So there are a lot of great looking hunks, hard working wrestling, and some perennial favorites who almost always have both “objective” and sentimental advantage when I’m doing the picking. But frankly, for raw entertainment and giving me something new that catches me off guard just a bit, I’m going with what I think of as an unconventional pick. Frankly, I think this is my first mention of this homoerotic wrestler ever, so clearly his stock is enjoying a remarkable spike in my rankings. But I’m just calling it like I see it, and this month, the homoerotic wrestler of the month that I see is…

…Rock Hard Wrestling’s Lucas Payne.

After Joe’s review of Lucas’ debut match against Austin Cooper, I have to say that I was luke warm on taking the plunge to check out Mr. Payne. While Joe gives plenty of credit, everything that he points out as perennially missing from RHW matches leaves me looking elsewhere. A bodybuilder Lucas is a delight to worship, but that does not always translate into homoerotic wrestling gold. But something tweaked my fancy, and I whipped out my credit card and hunkered down for a concentrated introduction to what Lucas Payne and Trent Novak could do for me.

Turns out, more than I expected! The rookies are rookies, let’s face it. And they’re in the straight-end of the homoerotic wrestling pool, which means that those astonishingly tight trunks stay on and the story is all about aggression with none of the satisfying aftertaste of explicit sexual domination. So maybe my expectations were just so low that anything was going to catch me by surprise. Whatever. I was caught by surprise, and specifically, it was Lucas Payne’s mouth that did it for me.

It’s not the way that he sucks his lower lip as he concentrates on dishing out crushing punishment on fratboy Trent, though that is absolutely hot. It’s Lucas’ chatter on his feet that catches me by surprise and makes this match more than I expected.

To be clear, this isn’t quite a squash, but it’s a squash’s 2nd cousin first removed. Lucas takes a little, but the story is about Trent’s destruction at the hands (and pecs, and thighs) of the bodybuilder boy wonder. What gets me here is that I quickly, honestly believe that Lucas is a punk bully with more muscles than he’s figured out what to do with yet. When he stomps repeatedly all around the perimeter of Trent’s body as the fratboy writhes and wails in pain, Lucas starts to mock him, making fun of his crying. Right there, that’s the moment! Lucas pisses me off with his completely unnecessary verbal humiliation as he’s completely crushing his opponent. Lucas is every overgrown bully that I’ve ever known and feared, delighting in physical domination but really reveling in psychological domination. I buy it. He’s a musclebound prick throwing his weight around, absolutely manhandling Trent and (figuratively) getting off on it. And for that moment of selling me a character I can relate to and feel something about, I’m completely a Lucas Payne fan now.

I don’t know if I’m explaining it well. Of course, his innocent baby face and mocha skin stretched taught over competition ready muscles doesn’t hurt his case (even the zit on his chin is somehow endearing). But I’m jonesin’ on Lucas for more than just that. Early in round 2, he traps Trent’s wrist overhead, behind the fratboy’s upper back, displaying Trent’s impressive physique generously. Trent writhes and sells the pain, stumbling as he tries to free himself, reaching for a rope. “You go where I say you go!” Lucas explains to him cooly. “That’s right, that’s right. Come on!!! Where’s the fight!?” he taunts him. “You go where I say you go…” Lucas repeats, spinning Trent around in a headlock and shoving him face first to the canvas. “… and you go DOWN!” he barks, proving his mastery of his opponent.

Lucas tells this story both physically and verbally throughout, and regular readers know that I’m a sucker for ring banter. He occasionally growls like a grizzly, which brings to mind spicy hints of Rusty Stevens. When Trent is riding a short-lived rally, hammerlocking Lucas’ right arm high up the middle of his back, Lucas refuses to give. “Let’s bring it up a little further! How does that feel!!” the fratboy demands of the bodybuilder boy wonder. Lucas, however, quickly powers out of his predicament and has Trent screaming again in a single-leg boston crab. “Let’s get it a little bit further,” Lucas mocks as he pulls Trent’s leg off the canvas farther. That’s storytelling I enjoy! Lucas reminds us that he’s not only back on the advantage, he’s dishing out paybacks for the fratboy’s earlier cockiness.

There’s a lot that doesn’t surprise. For example, the RHW high definition production quality is as amazing as always. For another example, the boys don’t quite know how to transition from hold to hold, to build momentum with the wrestling itself. While they do seem to be nursing their holds a bit longer (thank you!), both Trent and Lucas pretty much always work a hold, and then inexplicably walk away, catch their breath, and then lock up for another hold (not sure how that makes much sense, other than that they just don’t know how to chain moves together, to respond rapidly and work reversals). But unlike most of the RHW wrestlers, Lucas has carved out in my imagination a character who is smart, sadistic, and amuses himself by mocking his writhing opponents as he crushes them with his bodybuilder boy wonder physique. Now, I wouldn’t mind seeing Lucas love his own body a little more explicitly (since in RHW, it seems like his opponents never will). I’d love to see him lord it over his screaming opponents, flexing in their faces, literally rubbing their noses in the sweaty crevice between his mountainous pecs. But that said, I love it when Lucas marvels at the power of his legs as Trent wails like a baby, trapped in a crippling body scissor. “Go ahead, try to fight,” Lucas offers. Then, with that lower lip sucked in adorably, he explains, “They call me ‘Thunder Thighs!'”

Not me, though. I just call him Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month.

Gear Named

May 3, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebard2 Comments

It took Stay Puft mere minutes to correctly answer all 5 questions in yesterday’s Name That Gear quiz! Now that’s a good eye for homoerotic wrestling gear! There were other players who also correctly identified all 5 homoerotic wrestlers from their gear, but it was definitely Stay Puft doing it first. With Topher running the board last week, and SP sticking a fork in this one in record time, I may have to start making these quizzes a little harder again. That’s not to say that SP doesn’t deserve the laurel leaves for the week, so let’s take another look at what he saw so quickly.

Gear #1 belongs to…

Thunder’s Arena’s Big Sexy, of course!

Specifically, Big Sexy has his hands very, very full with the muscle stud juggernaut, Ace Hanson, in No Holds Barred 3. In his recent interview with Joe at Ringside at Skull Island, Big Sexy seems to indicate that he may have his own little fetish going on with those pink and lime green trunks of his. At least he seems infatuated with that particularly attractive gear. I think we all need to pitch in and buy Joe a plane ticket to south Florida to take Big Sexy up on the offer to wrestle him, with Joe getting dibs on wearing the pink-n-lime trunks!

Stay Puft correctly nailed gear #2 as belonging to…

…muscle jobber boy extraordinaire, BG East’s Troy Baker.

This is another example of an iconic homoerotic wrestler who, if you don’t know, you must instantly stop reading this blog, click over to BG East, and order a Troy Baker DVD – nay, a couple of them, with at least one of them being Troy’s Wrestler Spotlight. This mouthwatering shot of Troy’s golden trunks wedgied high between those unbelievably aesthetic mounds of muscle that are his ass cheeks comes from his Wrestler Spotlight DVD, where he faced off out of doors with Jarret Cole. The term “golden boy” seems somehow completely misplaced on anyone else, so those metallic gold posing trunks epitomize Troy in homoerotic wrestling.

Gear #3 belongs to…

…BG East’s Josh Avery.

There’s just something about homoerotic wrestler’s named Josh sporting egos the size of watermelons over at BG East. Josh pulling out the headgear and gloves (take note, Ace, it has been done… just sayin’…) was always nice storytelling. Meeting up with muscle jock Adam Killion for Mat Hunks 3 may have been more than Josh bargained for, but nothing keeps the babyface badboy from pulling out the gear and raising his game another notch.

Stay Puft instantly named gear #4 as belonging to…

BG East’s Muscle Mask.

I still find it astonishing that this masked musclehunk jobs. All that muscle looks like it’s hard earned and built out of something other than just hours at Gold’s Gym. That, and that big granite chin of his always make me intuitively expect him to open up a can of heel whoop-ass. So watching him felled by one opponent after another is fantastic storytelling, as I watch in wonder at the big, intimidating muscle hunk brought screaming to his knees.

Finally, gear #5, indeed, belongs to…

BG East’s “Tarzan” Tyler Reese.

I own this match in which Tyler faces Ricky Martinez in Ringwars 10. First, Ricky dominates the wild one commandingly, which, let’s face it, must have even surprised Ricky. All is said and done, really, until Ricky goes a little too far, humiliates a little too much, takes below-the-loin-cloth liberties in dishing out humiliating punishment over Tyler. As a result, Tarzan Tyler taps into his inner beast, making Ricky sorry he ever stepped foot in the ring. The priceless moment comes early on, though, when the boys are giving their all, and suddenly, Tyler’s eyes go wide as he looks up toward the camera in panic. The leather tie at the side of his loin cloth has come undone, and he’s holding it up, quite literally, by a string. The scene cuts awkwardly, panning back to Tyler suddenly geared up securely once again. When Tyler abandoned the loin cloth and cut his hair short, I lost my infatuation with glimpsing his bare ass cheeks. There just wasn’t the fun of watching in anticipation of another delightful wardrobe malfunction.

So thanks again to Topher for the most excellent suggestion of a new Name That genre. I expect we’ll see future editions of Name That Gear, but regardless what the future holds, this moment, this week, it’s Stay Puft who’s on top of the Name That heap. Nice work!

Name That Gear

May 2, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebard3 Comments

It was warm enough for short sleeves and shorts yesterday, so I was delayed in my weekly Name That post. The clouds have set in again, so I have renewed focus (and a sunburn). In cashing in his prizes as winner of last week’s Name That Cock quiz, Topher came up with an excellent suggestion for the theme for this week’s quiz: Name that Gear. Of course, there’s iconic gear that seems indelibly linked to one particular homoerotic wrestler. Think Brad Rochelle looking over his shoulder at the camera, his gorgeous glutes packed into trunks with the word “SPEEDO” stitched across the ass. So now that Brad’s off the table as a possible answer to this week’s quiz, here are some close ups of some other, perhaps less iconic, gear that I associate with one particular homoerotic wrestler or another. Just by way of hints, all of this gear shows up more than once, helping to build the association between the wrestler and the gear. So none of this week’s answers will be one-hit-wonders. Again, with all credit to Topher for the concept, let’s get down to business and play Name That Gear.

Gear #1:

If you’ve read Joe at Ringside at Skull Island recently, this is a gimme. Joe even has dibs on these trunks if ever he accepts the offer to wrestle this smart and gorgeous wrestler. I’m hoping that Joe not only accepts the offer to wrestler him, not only wears the trunks, but writes a tell-all for the rest of us to enjoy vicariously!

Gear #2:

Okay, so, true enough, you’ve probably seen these very gold lamay posing trunks on more than one fine, round white ass, but I will now and always associate them with this particular homoerotic wrestler… and his fine, round white ass. I believe he wore them four times, meaning he wrestled in other gear even more often, but I can’t quite conjure an image of this iconic homoerotic wrestler in my mind’s eye without him sporting these metallic golden trunks wedged up his stunning ass cheeks as he suffers.

Gear #3:

The fight gloves and headgear were a go-to device for this homoerotic wrestler punk. Like punching it into high gear, he would frequently whip out this gear at a particularly opportune time to get himself into the right frame of mind to put the demolishing, finishing touches on an opponent (like he did against the answer to question #2, above). In the match pictured here, the cocky stud hits a brick wall of muscle from another jock hunk in only his second of three lifetime homoerotic wrestling matches.

Gear #4:

Although this homoerotic wrestler most recently appeared in a different mask, up until that point, he was always sporting this colorful mask. I foster a running fantasy of this gorgeous hunk tied up, at my mercy, stripped and every muscle examined with adoring care (with the mask on).

Gear #5:

Again, unmistakable gear choice here. Impossible to miss, and damn brave, considering this homoerotic wrestler seemed perpetually to have trouble tying that knot tight enough to hold throughout a whole match.

So guess the homoerotic wrestlers sporting the gear above, and if this is just all too simple for you, also identify the name of their opponents. Comment below or drop me an email to let me know how you did.

Poetry

April 29, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebardLeave a comment

A recurring theme in neverland is my kink-taste for text, and particularly dialogue in homoerotic wrestling. I think that amateur wrestling only revs my engine to a point, precisely because they execute a wrestling match so impersonally. It’s “just” sport, whereas throwing in some taunting, some screams of agony, some degradation and gloating dialogue, makes the wrestling about sorting out a relationship. Catching up on my, “I’ve got to own that some day” list, I was recently struck by the marathon, expert eroticism of Kid Leopard and Dick the Prick in BG East’s Submissions 4. This should be beat poetry, I think. When the action has moved to the mat room, and after KL has broken Dick’s spirits repeatedly, he schoolboy pins Mr. The Prick and begins grinding his crotch into Dick’s face.

“Yah, yah… so much for the pretty boy. Yah, so much for the fucking pretty boy. Pinned. Pinned with a dick in his face.” Dick begins to stroke his own cock as KL humps his face and heaps on the humiliation.

“Yah, pinned with a fucking cock going across his lips. Yah, ain’t it so, boy, huh? Ain’t it so? Yah… yah… fucked up in the ring, squashed on the mats, and now sucking crotch. Yes sir, pretty boy. Yes sir. That’s where you belong. That’s where you fucking belong…”

KL pulls his dick out of his trunks and proceeds to slap Mr. The Prick’s face with it, while Dick strokes his own cock harder, groaning louder as he does.

“That’s where you fucking belong. Yah… yah……… yah. Juice is flying isn’t it? Yah… yah… yah...”

KL turns around, dropping his ass on Dick’s face. He punches Dick’s hairy right pec, eliciting a groan. “Yah,” KL continues, “bridge that ass up!” Dick obediently arches his hips off the mat, until KL pounds his fists into Dick’s pecs again, driving Mr. The Prick back down.

“Yah, oh yah,” KL mutters, his balls pressed against dick’s lips. “Yah, fucker, pinned!”

Dick gasps. His body goes rigid, and then he erupts in cum shooting up his abdomen, his groans of ecstasy muffled with his mouth stuffed up KL’s ass.

“Pinned! Fucker! One…. two… three… pinned your ass. Now, I’m going to pin your dick.”

KL slides to Dick’s side and positions himself crotch-on-crotch, grinding his hard cock onto Dick’s.

“Yah, pinned your fucking dick,” KL mutters an instant before his own body begins to quiver. “One… two… three,” KL counts, cum streaming out of his cock precisely on the count of three. He stretches his body over top of his vanquished opponent, his face hovering a fraction of an inch over Dick’s.

“Not bad, punk.” Their lips lock together hungrily.

The most astounding thing of all about this fantastically hot scenario? There are still almost 15 minutes left in this match!

Games

April 29, 2011July 1, 2013 wrestlebard2 Comments

I have a friend who makes me play every kitschy pop culture game on the planet. For the record, in my life as a mini-series, I’d have Jason Bateman play me.

In my life as a motion picture, I’d have Jake Gyllenhaal play me.

Again, just for the record, I’d have to say that I’d fuck Joey…

…marry Chandler….

…and kill Ross (to stop the whining).

A more entertaining game, but not one my friend has the necessary expertise to play, would be to play with homoerotic wrestlers. Let me see. In my life as a mini-series, I’d have Cody Nelson play me.

In my life as a motion picture, I’d have Brad Rochelle play me.

And given the options that I’d need to squash, job, or competitively wrestle one each of the following, I’d choose to squash The Enforcer (that mask is coming off, baby, along with the trunks!)…