Tats Named

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I completed a major milestone today that I’ve been working toward for the past 4 months (accounting for spotty posting and neglected wrestling fiction in that time). So in honor of a banner day in the Bard household, I’m declaring you all “Name That Tat” quiz geniuses, and I’m passing out gold stars to everyone. Let’s review what you, my homoerotic wrestling genius friends, already know:
Tat #1 belongs to…
…Jobe Zander.

Jobe works his ass off in many venues, but here he’s pictured in his hot-off-the-presses newest release for BG East, wrestling against Cage Thunder in Masked Mayhem 8.

Tat #2 belongs to…
…BG East’s Braden Charron.
I haven’t seen this match, but from the stills, I have to say that I think Braden’s gear in Hunk Bash 11 against Kieran Dunne is my very favorite thing that I’ve seen Braden in (excluding seeing him in nothing at all). I’d still like to hear a translation for the shoulder tat. I’m guessing it says something like, “Beautiful Bubble-Butt Boy.”

Tat #3 belongs to…
…Thunder’s Arena’s rookie, Sledge.
Now those are pecs you can sink your teeth (or claws) into! Here, Sledge is pictured in his debut match, going up against muscle tat body beautiful, Eric Fury, in Bodybuilder Battle 27.

Tat #4 belongs to…
…Naked Kombat’s Tyler Saint.
 Tyler is back this week from a long absence from Naked Kombat and homoerotic wrestling, and true to the PR, he’s looking bigger and harder than ever against hairy hunk Alessio Romero.

And tat #5 belongs to…
…BG East classic, Syddo Riley.
Syddo’s buried deep in the catalogs, but he’s a treasure to look at when you find him. This sweet bicep flex from Syddo seems to be not directly related to any one wrestling match that I can find him in, but just to illustrate the excellent use he managed to put all those muscles to, here he is ripping the deltoid muscles off the bone of babyface muscleboy, Tony Romano for Bratpack 12.
So raise your glass with me now and toast to your homoerotic wrestling acuity and to my success of the day! Well done, my friends!

Name That Tat

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Life is settling back on track for me after a burst of incredibly busy, yet productive activity. Now, with time to pay attention to the really important things, I’m happily posting more regularly again here. I even put some good time in on a fictional wrestling story for Producer’s Ring yesterday. For what I hope to be a more interactive angle on this blog, here’s a new Name That Tat quiz for you. On the scant evidence below, name the sexy homoerotic wrestlers who sport this ink. For extra credit, name the opponents they battled in these pics (there’s one trick question on that count). Run the board, and I’ll send you a close up of one of my own tats and laud your homoerotic wrestling expertise far and wide. Good luck, and let me know what you come up with.
Tat #1:
I could have sworn that I’d featured this tat in a prior Name That quiz, but I can’t seem to find it. So here’s a distinctive shoulder tat for a wrestler with lots of releases lately (in only one sense of the word). 6′ tall, 190 pounds (quite a bit of it dangling from right around halfway up). This pick comes from his most recent release (again, in only one sense of the word). 
Tat #2:
Another shoulder tat here. Bonus points if you can translate it… then again, I can’t translate it, so you can say just about anything and I’ll just have to believe you.  This 5’8″, 200 pound major league pornboy hunk has been swimming in the non-pornboy end of the homoerotic wrestling pool, other than a bit of nudity, as far as I can tell. I think he may never have looked hotter than in this particular match, in which his purple and yellow trunks just barely manage to do the bare minimum required of them, due to his astonishingly round, muscled bubble butt.

Tat #3:

Here’s another translation bonus for you (I do know the correct answer to this one). This is another wrestler with some recent releases to his credit. He’s a tasty, big boy treat (5’10” and 210 pounds of thick muscle everywhere). If he’d have been marketed as Jace Bradley’s “little” brother, I’d have totally bought it… but he appears not to be marketed that way in his recent debut on the scene. This match was his debut against another debuting, tatted muscle god.

Tat #4:

Continuing the theme of recent releases (in multiple senses of the word), this pair of delightful “stamps” are just beautiful, right at the tailbone above the striated muscle ass of this “big return” homoerotic wrestler. The only stat I can find for him is 8″, but I swear that’s not the most impressive measurement on this big, hard muscle boy. This match is, indeed, his “big return” to the homoerotic wrestling scene. Welcome back!

Tat #5:

On the other end of the chronological spectrum, this is a classic in all regards. Classic ink, classic homoerotic wrestler, classic hairy muscle hunk heel. I’m not finding his bio, so this one may be strictly for the seasoned experts out there. Trick is, I don’t know if there is an opponent that goes with this pic. It looks more like a promotional pick of the muscle stud, and his gear doesn’t quite seem to fit with any of the matches that I can find pics of him for. So, all in all, this seems like it could be particularly tricky for the novices is homoerotic wrestling fandom.

Good luck! I’ll post answers tomorrow.

Enraptured

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While a California nut job has garnered unfortunate attention for predicting that the world will “end” today, I have to reluctantly admit that I’m having a profound religious experience at this very moment. I haven’t been “raptured,” but I’m enraptured by yesterday’s release of the latest BG East catalog. So much eye candy! Surely there’s some divine inspiration bringing together the likes of coverboy handsome muscle stud, Marco Carlow, and Dev Michaels with BG East-style motel wrestling. And speaking of divinity, I’m powerfully provoked by the promising return of the lickable body of Angelo Blanco in lip-smacking, dicks out, asterisk-punctuated Masked Mayhem 8. I’m aching to see Jonny Firestorm and my former homoerotic wrestler of the month, Bobby Horton, sorting out who’s badder, now that I’ve read Joe’s preview review. But it’ll probably come as no surprise that it’s Gut Bash 8 that’s made the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel’s Messiah ring in my ears.
I’m on board with anything I can get my hands on starring my favorite homoerotic wrestler – nonpornboy, Lon Dumont. If there were ever abs screaming out for gut pounding testing, it’s the competition-quality physique of sexy Lon. Sweet Jesus, that body brings a tear to my eye! Lon’s sporting a shaved head, so if I’m tracking his heads-up from my interview with him a couple of months ago, this match against Joe Robbins must have been taped sometime last year.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Behemouth 6’2″, 240 pound Joe Robbins stacked up side-by-side against crystal cut, 5’7″, 145 pound Lon is a heaven-sent scenario. I’ll take some big v small wrestling fun anyday, but when “small” is the physique of a podium-topping competitive bodybuilder, this just opens up incredible possibilities of homoerotic wrestling paradise.

Holy shit! Lon in still frame getting an ab-workover by big Joe is perfection. So I’m not sure how to upgrade on perfection when it comes to Lon’s razor sharp wit and fast-on-his feet cocky banter forged from years of pro-wrestling. More of Lon is always an answer to prayer, but gut pounding from a beasty Joe is pure, unmerited, divine grace.

Ah, hell, but wait… Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!) shows up on the other side of this Gut Bash 8 package. And speaking of packages, Mr. J has got to have made a pact with the devil, to be that handsome, that gorgeously fit, and having that much heft to have to stuff into skin tight trunks. It’s no wonder that Mr. J is the top contender in my book, to be in line to challenge Lon for the title of my favorite homoerotic wrestler – nonpornboy. 

Damn, damn, damn! While I still say every Mr. J new release ought to repeat the storyline of Matmen 21 (Mr. J challenges an amorous admirer to wrestle for the opportunity to earn the reward of full contact bodyworship of Mr. J), I won’t turn my nose up to Mr. J putting his “20 pack” on the line in a gut pounding ring battle with big Eddy Rey.

The sight of Mr. J squeezing Eddy’s face between his muscular thighs as Eddy is tied up in the ropes makes me think all sorts of delightfully guilty thoughts. One of those thoughts is that this ought to be one of the rides at that homoerotic wrestling theme park that I’ve been fantasizing about lately. I’d wait in line to take Eddy’s place here, that’s for certain. Mr. J is one of the best at making being bad look so, so good. He’s a devilish, sneaky, powerful, egomaniacal hunk who is always chomping at the ass of my favorite homoerotic wrestler- nonpornboy, Lon for my loyalty. It’s like Lon is there, flashing an ab-crunching double bicep pose on my right shoulder, and Mr. Joshua has one hand cradling the back of his head and the other stuffed down his trunks (rearranging his manhood), on my left shoulder.
And here I am, right in the middle, in pure heaven!

Happy Birthday, Ashley!

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Homoerotic wrestling pornboy and friend of this blog, Ashley Ryder, is celebrating his 30th birthday tomorrow! Of course, Ashley’s celebrating with a billion of his closest friends and admirers at the Eagle London, where Ashley is emcee and frequent competitor for Grapple 101 (as well as Strip Academy).

Ashley has extended a standing invitation and encouragement for neverland readers to join him for a wrestling romp at Grapple 101. Being cursed with not living within 5,000 miles of London, I’m bitter that I can’t take him up on the invitation (at least not yet!). If other neverland readers can get there for Grapple 101 or for Ashley’s monster birthday party tomorrow, give him a big kiss from Bard and let me know how much fun you have!

I’m hoping that Ashley shows up in more for-purchase homoerotic wrestling products, like his BG East debut in Motel Madness UK: The New Breed. While I can’t help but be fascinated by Ashley’s other porn skills, they don’t turn me on nearly as much as watching him go toe-to-toe in a wrestling match.

As for turning 30, I wish him many, many more years of hot, body-celebrating, homo-positive, erotic wrestling fun to come. I suddenly feel the need to be patronizing and say that 30 was an absolutely fantastic year in my life, and I hope the same for Ashley. Until the day when he franchises out Grapple 101 to a gay club near me, I’ll look forward to the day when I can afford a UK excursion to do a little public stripping and a lot of wrestling with a handsome, hot, generous and friendly guy like Ashley.

Happy birthday, buddy.

A Surly Story

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My recent post about Illinois Congressman Aaron Shock has made me think more about self-hating gays (for some reason). Our history is littered with internalized homophobes fighting against the “creeping gay” in society as mere metaphor for their inability to accept themselves for the cock-loving homos that they, themselves, are. The congressman’s pics from Men’s Health, I noted, give him a pouty, belligerent look as he stares at the camera with a little twist of disgust mingled with loathing. I’m sure I project too far when I say that it seems like he’s just daring the (let’s face it) strongly gay audience for men’s “fitness” magazines to lust after him.
This got me thinking about the male model more generally. It’s certainly not the case that the congressman is the first coverboy to be published looking pouty and put-out.
The slightly raised upper lip, the furrowed brow, even as beautiful model Seth Kuhlmann tugs at his muscle-t shoulder straps to show off his smooth pecs and dessert-like nipple tells a similar story. And I suppose, that’s the mark of a skilled model, in that he tells a story. Delectable sexy skin and an irritated, contemptuous snarl provoke both a closer look and a wonder to know more about what’s going in that beautiful, beautiful head of his.
Tattooed hunks recently featured this astonishingly beautiful muscle boy under the title, “Surly Hunk.” Indeed, perhaps it’s surliness that’s the backstory. Perhaps with a worship-worthy body like that, this fine specimen of gorgeous male beauty spends morning, noon and night fucking anything at all that he wants, leading to late nights that make early morning photoshoots a bit of a chore. Maybe the story here is, sure, he’ll take the paycheck, but he’s not happy with his agent for negotiating a 6:30 am shoot after he’s been the star player in a muscle hunk three way romp all night long.

I think the body-beautiful male model who looks put-out has something to say to my own kink for hot, hunky wrestling. One possible backstory is the “dare” part of that scenario I’m imagining for the congressman. The look could speak to the pre-match stare down, the all-business “just take a look at the physique that’s going to own your ass before we’re done here” posturing. An icy, unflinching, nearly zero affect (with just traces of something unnamed boiling underneath the surface) gaze is classic for homoerotic wrestling. Perhaps what catches my eye in the “surly” fitness boy pose is an echo of the nose-to-nose stare down before two barely clad gladiators proceed to use only their bodies to pry, pound, crunch and crush one another until one man concedes that despite all of his earlier bluster, he is undeniably inferior to the studly victor flexing overtop of him.

It’s art, at it’s core, though, so an equally powerful read of the scowling muscle hunk model emerges from a self-hating motif. “I know you lust for me, and I despise you for it” could just as easily be evoked. I strongly suspect that male models have to make some peace (of some sort) with the inescapable fact that they will be orgasm-fuel for gay boys across the globe. Indeed, some of the same boys who do “surly” so well also model in clearly gay-themed campaigns for designer underwear (and there’s no self-respecting straight boy who’s combing through magazines looking for a hot guy tugging at his designer underwear in order to get inspiration for what he should wear…. expect for, perhaps, the aforementioned congressman). But speaking of the congressman, when you put out an explicitly gay-unfriendly political platform and pander to moneybags with a penchant for demonizing the gays, AND you oil up your pecs and pose shirtless in “Men’s Health,” then I’m feeling a little more confident about the backstory I’m going to read into that work of art.

Wanting More

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You know time must be tight for me when I don’t even have a Name That quiz to post on a Sunday. True enough, major work on the way to major professional achievements are sucking up every spare minute lately. There is an end in sight, which will be greatly celebrated, but in the mean time, I thought I’d mull a over a couple of well-worn thoughts about what I’d like to see more of in homoerotic wrestling.

While I haven’t had time to keep up with posts, I’ve still had time to sit down with some favorite homoerotic wrestling tapes (somehow, I always seem to find time for that!). I was soaking in some BG East Superbout Classics, namely #1 of that name, in which Kid Leopard faces body-beautiful loudmouth, Brian Baxter.

Holy hell. I love this wrestling! 1) It’s in the ring. Give me the same wrestlers, the same holds, the same dialogue, one match delivered in a wrestling ring and the other anywhere else, and I’ll always get a much, much bigger kink-hit off of the ring action. 2) There’s a snarling, shouting, jeering crowd off camera slinging insults and advice and exhortation toward the wrestlers. I’m enjoying the fact that Naked Kombat is dabbling in a live audience again after swearing they’d never do it again (new insurance carrier?), and I long for the day when BG East schedules some action in front of an audience again. Homoerotic kink wrestling as public spectacle is out… of… this… world fantasy-sexy. 3) This is really, really delightful wrestling. Both KL and Baxter work each other’s bodies with commanding, long-held, agonizing holds and awesomely painful manipulation of joints and physical tolerances. There’s just no fumbling, no “um, what do I do now” looks on anyone’s face. One seamless, sexy, confident, all-in wrestling story. And 4), it’s explicitly homoerotic.

I’m not above implied homoeroticism, of course. I’ll take trunks-on, aggressive domination with a gay wrestling kink “sensibility,” and I’ll run with it happily. But I do deeply appreciate some explicit homoeroticism, whether that be in trunks off action, in body worship/hands on delight, in loser-gets-fucked (or forced to suck) finales, or simply woven into the story through dialogue and backstory development. Case in point: Brian folds KL up, ankles over his head with his shoulders pinned to the mat. Brian holds him in place with his hips pressing down on KL’s ass. Always the smart-mouthed clown, Brian begins to hump KL’s ass, leaning forward and growling, “I’ve always wanted to do this Kid Leopard!” Then, with a chuckle, he adds in reference to another KL match, “I heard you had this done to you by Buddy Justice!”

KL has a tone of desperation in his voice (also under the strain of Baxter’s body pressing him in half), as he snarls, “Fuck you, and fuck him, too!”

As if he’s gotten what he wanted, Brian hops up, letting KL go. Sharp as a whip, a half a beat later, Brian snaps, “I will, and I have.” The crowd outside the ring goes wild, egging on the sexual under (and over!) tones of this match, in which Brian crows about his past sexual conquests and promises to have KL’s ass as well before the day is out (might have worked out for him, if he’d been a little more careful about where KL’s hand was when Brian sat down across his back).

Homo. Erotic. Wrestling. My kink. Always wanting more.

Not a Shock

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Crazy busy in my life for another two weeks, but I have to take note today of the pics of the Republican Congressman from Illinois who is featured bare-chested (and what a chest!) on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine. Aaron Shock has been selected as America’s fittest Congressman. Those of us who keep track of such things will also remember the homophobic response Representative Shock had to being teased for wearing a belt in a magazine pic that “made him look gay.” He jokes these days that he burned that belt. He also reminded everyone how very not-gay he is by criticizing the President’s decision to stop judicial defense of the so-called “Defense of Marriage Act.”

Uh-huh. You can’t see my eyes rolling right now. Notice the look of petulant irritation on his face in both of these Men’s Health pics, as if he knows full well that these male fitness mags are awfully popular as pre-porn with all the gay boys (at least, that’s why I scarfed them up with such enthusiasm as a teenager). It’s as if he’s pumped up and displaying his rippled abs and massive pecs against his will, stepping into so many gay boy’s sexual fantasies entirely involuntarily. My incredulity about a straight politician with a zero-bodyfat personal trainer body is about equal to my arousal in admiring those meaty round pecs of his. When he gives us the dramatic big reveal in a few years, acknowledging that he’s harbored the love that must not be named all along, I won’t bear a grudge (at least not one that can’t be settled in the ring).

Aaron… oh, Aaron. Like a good little cub doing daddy’s bidding, Aaron manages to twist his rocking abs and infinitely clawable pecs into an object lesson in the virtues of conservative politics, advocating for “personal responsibility and planning ahead” (read: the poor, the sick, the unemployed deserve to suffer without the aid of social welfare). It’s the same classist claptrap that we’ve heard for decades (centuries, really), just wrapped up in a much, much, much more attractive package deliberately designed to distract us from the content of his message. This all brings to mind a joint effort that I worked on with Bearhugs this winter, when we wrote a fictional wrestling encounter entitled “Threesome” over in Sidelineland. Threesome stars Adam, a fictional character who is a conservative operative, a staff member of a social conservative congressman in DC who’s a closet case with a gorgeous body and devastating good looks. By day, he winks at the housewives and makes political conservatism seem sexy. By night, he cruises the gay clubs looking for some muscle bottoms to pass the time. Adam gets himself in a little deeper than he expects, one night, as a threesome takes him home for rougher fun than he counted on.

Wouldn’t it be a “shock” to discover that a young, hot, ripped coverboy conservative congressman gets caught up in the same wrestling and bondage fetish trap? No, I agree with you. It wouldn’t be a shock at all.

Asses Named

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There were no grand prize winners for this week’s quiz, but these are some choice asses that you’ll want to know much better, if you don’t already. So pull out your answers and let’s see how you did:

Ass #1 belongs to…
… BG East’s Jordan.
So, it seems that the BG East website confuses “just” Jordan with Jeff Jordan, so even though this exotic dancer only wrestled three times (I hope my slightly inaccurate clue wasn’t misleading yesterday), he has a list of 10 products under his profile. Here, Jordan was unfortunate enough to be tossed into the matroom with one of my favorite classic muscle bullies, Mikey Vee, in Mat Hunks 5. All that  pretty that Jordan brings with him is seriously compromised by the studly buzzsaw that is Mikey. We’ve got Brad Rochelle to thank (so goes the story) for convincing his dancer-rival to settle their rivalry on the BG East mat and in the ring (just one more thing we need to thank Brad for!).
Ass #2 belongs to…
Thunder’s Arena’s (and about to debut with BG East) Devin.
 Devin has the distinct look of someone that I want on my side in a bar fight. He’s got such a huge, solid physique, and that gorgeous ass of his is simply awesome. He’s sold as a competitive MMAer, and this match for Thunder’s pits him against a Russian stunner, Eagle, that Devin reportedly connected with in his MMA travels. Mat Rats 1 is a delight for those who like to watch a tenacious, fast, and confident smaller guy really hold his own (and his opponent’s, for that matter) against a big muscle bruiser. And Eagle has a hot, tight body and a very sexy deep voice, with more of an Ohio accent than a “direct from Russia” one. But it’s Devin’s suffering that works for me above all else here.
Ass #3 belongs to…
…BG East’s Sandro.
Wow. Have I mentioned that already? Wow. The rest of Sandro is pleasing to look at, and he’s fun to watch wrestle, but again I say, that ass is first rate. This posed pic of Sandro from his absolutely most flattering side (behind) comes from his first published match, facing off against CJ Parker in Wrestleshack 11. It looks like CJ spends days trapped with his face shoved into Sandro’s crotch, which I’m sure is all sorts of delight, but how any of Sandro’s opponents manage to do anything other than squeeze that luscious bubble butt of his is beyond me.
Ass #4 belongs to…
Thunder’s Arena’s Iceman.
 Stay Puft has mentioned that Iceman is one his his favorites, and it’s not hard to see why. I’d pay money for a body scissor between Iceman’s golden, massively thick quads. His ass doesn’t fall into the category of “bubble” by any means. Granite more like. And clearly he has balls for days to even play around with the likes of Johnny Bravo in Bodybuilder Battle 5 (is that a future Name That genre? Name Those Balls…).
Ass #5 belongs to…
…everyone’s Rio Garza.
Here, we’re treated to a savage Rio wedgie at the hands of Jobe Zander for BG East’s The Breaking Point: Sexier release. Of course, just a few months later, we saw Rio and Zander going toe-to-toe yet again for Can-Am’s Rocking Rio. Rio has a whole lot of beautiful assets, but his ass has to be at or near the top of the list for me, particularly when he’s in his fitness model condition. Needless to say, a gorgeous side of beef like Rio is never in danger of completely missing the point, as long as he’s taking a nasty beating and suffering like a pretty boy ought to.
So well done to those of you who took a stab at this week’s quiz!

Name That Ass

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I considered Stay Puft’s suggestion of a Name That Foot edition of our game (his tongue in cheek, I do believe), but I’m jonesin’ for ass, so the asses have it. This week’s quiz is back to basics: homoerotic wrestlers with notable asses. You know the drill: name the homoerotic wrestler to whom each ass below belongs, based on the scant evidence I’ve provided. If you correctly name all the asses, you get a gold star. If you name all 5 asses and their opponents in the matches pictured, you can claim delivery of a custom, written-to-order homoerotic wrestling fantasy fiction, and you can recommend the genre for next week’s quiz. Best of luck!
Ass #1:
This is a truly gorgeous ass that immediately grabbed my attention when I first caught sight of it. The wrestler is almost painfully beautiful, proportioned like a classic Greek statue (if that classic Greek statue lived on protein shakes and worked out three times a day). He’s marketed at 189 pounds, appearing in two matches, though 10 matches pop up under his name. He’s sold as a male exotic dancer, which I believe without a second thought. This homoerotic wrestler was apparently brought in for his brief tenure in wrestling by one of my all time favorite icons of the business, but that’s not who he’s facing in the match pictured above.
Ass #2:
You might guess that this is a trick question, but no, ass #2 is not the same as ass #1 (though it looks like they shop at the same store). No, the homoerotic wrestler sporting this muscle butt is not exactly a “pretty boy” carved from polished marble (like ass #1). He brings to mind much more the sensibility of a muscle bear daddy. He’s just very, very recently jumped companies (or straddled, at least), and at 5’10” and 200 pounds, he’s an intimidating hunk of aggressive muscle anywhere he goes. In this match, he faces a Russian who he apparently recruited himself.

Ass #3:
Wow. Um, wow. I’ve marveled at this ass before, and I won’t be surprised to find myself struggling for words of awe for this ass again sometime. Excuse me for just a moment…. wow.  Okay, so this bushy-browed boy has an adorable face, a fit, beautiful body, a tenacious spirit on the mats… but seriously, that ass is a show stopper. 5’9″ and 168 pounds, this shot comes from his very first homoerotic wrestling bout.

Ass #4:
This shapely, athletic muscle ass is dedicated to last week’s Name That Gear winner, Stay Puft. This ass belongs to one of Stay Puft’s favorites. 5’8″, 180 pounds, this stunningly fit, smooth boy is reportedly a cousin of another homoerotic wrestler who’s appeared in a Name That Tat quiz in the past. He’s billed as a former professional soccer player and worldclass kickboxer. The striated, bulging thighs that go with this irresistibly grabbable ass certainly point to the truth that this homoerotic wrestler is an impressive athlete (and one not to be fucked with). But if you’re going to fuck with him, it probably helps to be a half foot taller and 95 pounds heavier than he is (as is his opponent here).
Ass #5:
I typically list the asses in order of difficulty, but I suspect this will be the easiest for most readers to identify. As a result, I’ll say precious little by way of clues. The wrestler here is 6’0, 185 pounds, astonishingly prolific in a very brief amount of time, and the sadist delivering this vicious wedgie deserves a trophy for handing us a truly entertaining and sexy beatdown on this devastatingly pretty- pretty boy… twice.
Good luck, my friends. Let me know what you come up with.

Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month

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Life is moving awfully fast for me lately, which I blame for eating up the time that I would typically spend posting more around neverland. It’s 99% exciting stuff, including some upcoming travel that I may have more to say about soon. But we’re 5 days into May and I still haven’t named a new reigning homoerotic wrestler of the month. Damn! Some poor hunk is going to get shortchanged five days from his reign, but who will be the lucky/unlucky wrestler? Let’s see…

We’re between catalogs for BG East, which is probably good for everyone else, because the preview pics in the BG East Arena for the upcoming catalog is driving me insane (excuse me, both my reigning favorite homoerotic wrestler – non-pornboy division and his #1 contender on the same DVD?!). In the quiet lull between BGE releases, therefore, some other contenders have more of a shot at the title of homoerotic wrestler of the month for appearing in releases that came out for the calendar month of April 2011. First up, I’ll toss a bevy of Thunder’s Arena wrestlers into the hat, including Sledge and BamBam for Bodybuilder Battle 28, Batar and Rambo No Holds Barred 8, and Sledge (yet again) and smoking hot Eric Fury for Bodybuilder Battle 27. Naked Kombat put up my #1 favorite homoerotic wrestling pornboy, Trent Diesel, in a tag team battle (which is all an excellent formula for success in catching my eye!), and I’ll give all four competitors golden tickets to the finale this month, including Trent, DJ, Leo Forte, and Seth Green look-a-like (and surprisingly ferocious) Sebastian Keyes. I’m also giving a nod to NK’s Brenn Wyson and Jackson for their April 20th match (reviewed excellently by Joe), and I’m picking just Nikko Alexander from the April 27th oil match, because he’s a hot, hard, snarling thug hunk who works his ass off in a 2-on-1. I’m having trouble remembering when Rock Hard Wrestling releases came out (I wish they’d date them to make this easier on me!), but I believe that Cody Nelson and Jeff Hollister/Skip Vance get a nod for their recent match, and late in the month, we saw bodybuilder boy wonder, Lucas Payne back for his second RHW match, this time against newbie Trent Novak. Can-Am’s Double-Teamed dropped in April, with an initial look that makes me include Jobe Zander, Rio Garza, and Brenden Cage in the mix. Pro Tag 1 also had an April official release, for which I’ll toss in Rio again, along with Aryx Quinn, Donnie Drake and Cameron Mathews. And speaking of Mr. Mathews, he’s been a busy boy both in front of the camera and behind it, producing his own series marketed through Can-Am, for which I’ll give him several more nods, as well as a top shape Braden Charron in East Coast Mat Battle, and Aryx again for looking particularly tasty in what I’ve seen so far of East Coast Rope Battle.

So there are a lot of great looking hunks, hard working wrestling, and some perennial favorites who almost always have both “objective” and sentimental advantage when I’m doing the picking. But frankly, for raw entertainment and giving me something new that catches me off guard just a bit, I’m going with what I think of as an unconventional pick. Frankly, I think this is my first mention of this homoerotic wrestler ever, so clearly his stock is enjoying a remarkable spike in my rankings. But I’m just calling it like I see it, and this month, the homoerotic wrestler of the month that I see is…

…Rock Hard Wrestling’s Lucas Payne.
After Joe’s review of Lucas’ debut match against Austin Cooper, I have to say that I was luke warm on taking the plunge to check out Mr. Payne.  While Joe gives plenty of credit, everything that he points out as perennially missing from RHW matches leaves me looking elsewhere. A bodybuilder Lucas is a delight to worship, but that does not always translate into homoerotic wrestling gold. But something tweaked my fancy, and I whipped out my credit card and hunkered down for a concentrated introduction to what Lucas Payne and Trent Novak could do for me.
Turns out, more than I expected! The rookies are rookies, let’s face it. And they’re in the straight-end of the homoerotic wrestling pool, which means that those astonishingly tight trunks stay on and the story is all about aggression with none of the satisfying aftertaste of explicit sexual domination. So maybe my expectations were just so low that anything was going to catch me by surprise. Whatever. I was caught by surprise, and specifically, it was Lucas Payne’s mouth that did it for me.
It’s not the way that he sucks his lower lip as he concentrates on dishing out crushing punishment on fratboy Trent, though that is absolutely hot. It’s Lucas’ chatter on his feet that catches me by surprise and makes this match more than I expected. 
To be clear, this isn’t quite a squash, but it’s a squash’s 2nd cousin first removed. Lucas takes a little, but the story is about Trent’s destruction at the hands (and pecs, and thighs) of the bodybuilder boy wonder. What gets me here is that I quickly, honestly believe that Lucas is a punk bully with more muscles than he’s figured out what to do with yet. When he stomps repeatedly all around the perimeter of Trent’s body as the fratboy writhes and wails in pain, Lucas starts to mock him, making fun of his crying. Right there, that’s the moment! Lucas pisses me off with his completely unnecessary verbal humiliation as he’s completely crushing his opponent. Lucas is every overgrown bully that I’ve ever known and feared, delighting in physical domination but really reveling in psychological domination. I buy it. He’s a musclebound prick throwing his weight around, absolutely manhandling Trent and (figuratively) getting off on it. And for that moment of selling me a character I can relate to and feel something about, I’m completely a Lucas Payne fan now.
I don’t know if I’m explaining it well. Of course, his innocent baby face and mocha skin stretched taught over competition ready muscles doesn’t hurt his case (even the zit on his chin is somehow endearing). But I’m jonesin’ on Lucas for more than just that. Early in round 2, he traps Trent’s wrist overhead, behind the fratboy’s upper back, displaying Trent’s impressive physique generously. Trent writhes and sells the pain, stumbling as he tries to free himself, reaching for a rope. “You go where I say you go!” Lucas explains to him cooly. “That’s right, that’s right. Come on!!! Where’s the fight!?” he taunts him. “You go where I say you go…” Lucas repeats, spinning Trent around in a headlock and shoving him face first to the canvas. “… and you go DOWN!” he barks, proving his mastery of his opponent.
Lucas tells this story both physically and verbally throughout, and regular readers know that I’m a sucker for ring banter. He occasionally growls like a grizzly, which brings to mind spicy hints of Rusty Stevens. When Trent is riding a short-lived rally, hammerlocking Lucas’ right arm high up the middle of his back, Lucas refuses to give. “Let’s bring it up a little further! How does that feel!!” the fratboy demands of the bodybuilder boy wonder. Lucas, however, quickly powers out of his predicament and has Trent screaming again in a single-leg boston crab. “Let’s get it a little bit further,” Lucas mocks as he pulls Trent’s leg off the canvas farther. That’s storytelling I enjoy! Lucas reminds us that he’s not only back on the advantage, he’s dishing out paybacks for the fratboy’s earlier cockiness. 
There’s a lot that doesn’t surprise. For example, the RHW high definition production quality is as amazing as always. For another example, the boys don’t quite know how to transition from hold to hold, to build momentum with the wrestling itself. While they do seem to be nursing their holds a bit longer (thank you!), both Trent and Lucas pretty much always work a hold, and then inexplicably walk away, catch their breath, and then lock up for another hold (not sure how that makes much sense, other than that they just don’t know how to chain moves together, to respond rapidly and work reversals). But unlike most of the RHW wrestlers, Lucas has carved out in my imagination a character who is smart, sadistic, and amuses himself by mocking his writhing opponents as he crushes them with his bodybuilder boy wonder physique. Now, I wouldn’t mind seeing Lucas love his own body a little more explicitly (since in RHW, it seems like his opponents never will). I’d love to see him lord it over his screaming opponents, flexing in their faces, literally rubbing their noses in the sweaty crevice between his mountainous pecs. But that said, I love it when Lucas marvels at the power of his legs as Trent wails like a baby, trapped in a crippling body scissor. “Go ahead, try to fight,” Lucas offers. Then, with that lower lip sucked in adorably, he explains, “They call me ‘Thunder Thighs!'”
 Not me, though. I just call him Homoerotic Wrestler of the Month.