Sidelineland

All About Ty

July 15, 2014 wrestlebard9 Comments

Have you seen the Bette Davis movie All About Eve? If not, do so immediately or else your gay card may be revoked. If so, you’ll understand when I say that I think there’s a hit of Eve Harrington about young BG East rookie Ty Alexander. The doe-eyed young babyface has been at BG East what, half a day or so, but somehow he seems to have aw-shucked his way into a going concern at the company. In my interview with Ty, and in subsequent chats off the record since, he’s been unfailingly adorable, eager, giving off a perpetual air of being just honored to be a subject of conversation. The babyfaced tiger is perpetually self-deprecating, always first to bring up his inexperience. But if you know the Eve Harrington reference, you know that I’m suspecting there’s a lot more not quite right under the surface with young Ty. Did you see the flurry of high flying, high impact pro moves he pulled out of his ass in the opening moments of his debut in Raunchy Rookies 7!? For just a few seconds there’s a look on that dimple cheeked babyface as he’s making a stunned Kayden Keller wail in shock, when Ty smirks, gives just a barely perceptible lift of his chin in a cocky, I-love-it-when-a-plan-comes-together nod of satisfaction. On the surface, the kid is all about how he’s toning his body to raise his game. He’s all about how he’s learning from the upperclassmen and just thanking his lucky stars that The Boss is giving him a chance. He’s all about humility and insecurity and open-hearted ambition. But just beneath the surface, I’m starting to suspect he’s All About Ty.

So if you know All About Eve, then you know that I’m suspecting young Ty has a Margo Channing set in his crosshairs. If his babyface sincerity is, indeed, a masterfully executed veneer overtop of an ice-cold scheme to ascend to fortune and fame with his boot heel planted squarely across the shoulder blades of a headliner in front of him, then I’m suspecting that said Margo Channing is Drake Marcos. Regular readers of this blog know that I’ve had my eye on pretty young Drake since even before he made his BG East debut. That irrepressible grin made me be the first to dub him the Cheshire Cat of homoerotic wrestling. There’s no mystery at all about the fact that Drake instantly also had The Boss’ eye, earning the handsome stud a whole lot of leading roles under what is rumored to be the private and personal tutelage of Kid Leopard himself. He was a Debut of the Year nominee in 2012, and through quite literally a bucket full of blood, sweat, and mostly tears, Drake captured his share of the coveted title of Best Squash of 2013 (of course, being the one squashed by the masterful muscles of Jonny Firestorm). Drake has earned his way into the business, getting his ass handed to him over and over and over (and over) again, by what is now a long string of smirking, self-congratulatory victors. Honestly, I thought that referring to Drake as a jobber-rising was a compliment, because in less than 2 years the stud has settled into the role of one of the most sweetly suffering slices of meat being served by BG East. I thought I was offering some well-deserved flattery when I said that ingenue Drake was unquestionably an accomplished jobber who sells anguish like few others currently in competition. However, Drake seems to have taken my assertion that he’s a world class “loser” the wrong way, and not only has the Cheshire Cat promised me that he’s learning the lessons he needs to learn to eventually actually beat an opponent, he’s even promised that he’s got a little “present” for a certain blogger-critic who’s been too quick to relegate him to the ranks of starlet jobbers and deserving of an ass kicking.

baby3 — Drake takes total command of the larcenous rookie.

Enough about me. This post is actually about Drake and Ty. If you haven’t seen Babyface Brawl X, I highly recommend you get your hands on a copy. It goes much farther down the path of homoerotic wrestling fantasies than 95% of products out there. The plot is thick with intrigue and a touch of melodrama from the opening credits. Dimpled, adorable Ty is captured on camera sneaking into the mat room early to rifle through Drake’s gym bag. The larcenous little cherub fishes out a particular pair of fetching, designer underwear and slips out again with the loot. What we quickly discover, right around the time that Drake is discovering his been robbed, is that Drake has been crowing about these fluorescent lime green trunks to Ty for weeks as they’ve been planning this match. Drake’s been so excited to show off his hot ass in these square cuts, that his jaw just about drops to the floor when young Ty saunters back in, halo in place, and peels down to the very same pair of trunks he just stole from Drake. The balls on this kid! “Aw-shucks I’m just happy to be here” my ass!!!

baby7 — Ty tied up and locked down with authority!

Drake slips into a pink pair of almost as flattering trunks and promptly opens up a can of revenge-whoop-ass on a stunned ~~Eve~~ Ty. There’s just no question that young Drake, despite his abysmal win-loss record thus far, has been learning a thing or two since his debut. Honestly, he swarms all over Ty, leaving the kid simply unclear as to which end is up. Despite Drake’s certainty that I’ve unfairly persecuted him in the past, I’m happy to admit that he is incredible to watch as he patiently, with complete mastery, ties Ty up in knots before the rookie has any idea what just hit him. The intensity in this action is palpable. There’s a throbbing, sweating heat to the tumbles and slams that’s captivating to watch. There’s a moment there where I’m thinking young Ty may not actually be scheming, but rather perhaps he’s just plain stupid, because the upperclassman solidly humiliates the pretty newbie like there’s no tomorrow.

baby4 — There’s the Drake Marcos we know and love!

But when Drake moves in to reclaim his property, you can just about see the switch get thrown inside of Ty. I swear to god, you can watch his face change from awed and shocked and overwhelmed into a vicious little viper in a heartbeat. All of that commanding domination from Drake dissipates as the upperclassman starts to melt, like he has so many times before, under the rage and ruin raining down from another surprisingly accomplished opponent. With the lime green square cuts still halfway down his ass where he interrupted Drake’s attempt to rip them off, Ty folds the stunned stud up and plants his bodacious bubble butt right across Drake’s face. The more the newbie crushes and squeezes, the more we get to enjoy watching that familiar look of despair and agony contort the Cheshire Cat’s handsome face. Only this time, the humiliation is being doled out by one of the babiest-faced newbies on the planet! Oh, the humanity!

baby5 — Aw hell, he actually did it!? Drake… won!?!

Again, credit where due, after assuming his accustomed position and making me think Drake is going to remain the undisputed jobber king, the Cheshire Cat stems the tide, turns the tables and assembles a beautiful succession of debilitating submission holds that make the domineering schemer melt away from Ty’s dimpled cheeks. Unquestionably, decisively, this is the moment Drake promised me months ago. Believe it or not, Drake Marcos genuinely and convincingly beats someone!

I’m sure you’re as shocked as I. Trunks are forcibly traded, then stripped again as the two young bucks are worked into a genuine lather of lust by all of that heat and intensity. The wrong righted, Drake drags his naked prey out of the mat room. Scene fades to black.

baby2 — Careening down the path every homoerotic wrestling match should.

How many homoerotic wrestling matches leave us hanging right at that point? Billions? The real shocker (satisfyingly so) is scene 2. The camera opens on a television where Sunshine Shooters 5 is playing. You know the one, where Kid Vicious and Skrapper are beating the hell out of one another, cock slapping each other’s faces, absolutely brutalizing each other’s naked bodies. The camera turns to the nearby bed, where Drake and Ty have now retired to cap off their wrestling with full on amorous lust. The boys are fully aroused. The bed play is aggressive. Drake clearly has a fetish for getting off to being choked, and young Ty has no problem sliding the upperclassman’s throat inside his arms and toying with Drake’s carotid flow. The boys give the impression that they haven’t gotten off for weeks and haven’t eaten for days, as they consume one another with fantastic ferocity. In one of several cock-inspiring chokeholds, Drake explodes with a grunt of ecstasy that sounds almost like agony. There’s a subtle return of the smirk across Ty’s face as he settles in, finally blowing his own load.

Passionate kissing, stroking. It all ends on such a sweet note… until Ty points out that although Drake won in the mat room, when it comes to homoerotic wrestling, the last to cum gets bragging rights as well. Was that the scheme all along?! Ty both rises in his jobber-on-the-rise stock by losing brutally to the formerly can’t-win jobber-on-top, then slaps down a little ding to Drake’s ego by making sure the upperclassmen was the first to cum!? Drake goes into a rage, scooping up Ty’s wad from across his tanned torso and cum-slaps the climber with an audible, vicious, wet slap across the face.

So, yes. Drake finally… finally scored a legitimate victory over an opponent. He “won,” as he’s been promising for ages that he would, sooner or later. But if the rookie’s plan was in fact, all along, to unseat the jobberiest jobber in competition and add a little erotic insult to injury to boot, Babyface X was never about whether Drake could pull of a victory. It was never about those lime green trunks. It was never about revenge or passion or getting off. Perhaps, just maybe, all along it was All About Ty.

Fantasy Come True

July 8, 2014 wrestlebard2 Comments

A few weeks ago I took note of the fine art of the homoerotic wrestling tease, particularly spotlighting Muscle Domination Wrestling’s promotional sneak preview of their newest acquisition, Mutant. As I mentioned in that post, teasing is a delicate operation. Veer too far one way, it can just sort of piss off your audience and leave them bitter. Too far another way, and it can make the cow moot for all the milk you serve. I liked MDW’s Mutant tease, however, and I pointed out that it did to me what I think an accomplished tease is intended to do. It inspired my imagination to hungrily compose scenarios of what muscle beast Mutant might get up to once the MDW hunks get their hands all over that massive stud. Honest to God, I had absolutely no forewarning or insider trading scoop when I wrote on June 11, “Please, oh please tell me that Mutant is about to meet hairy he-man Chace LaChance in a rip, strip, and oil barnburner.” Seriously, I was just voicing what I thought was the optimal pairing of rookie meat with sophomore fine wine. Imagine my surprise when none other than MDW’s badboy boss Muscle Master Kevin commented on that post, saying, “The epic strength contest and winner-gets-oiled match between Mutant and Chase is 100% confirmed for season 11. Mutant has answered Chase’s challenge and next wednesday you can expect his VIP response to Lachance, showing off how he looks in the very same gear.”

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h39m37s53 — “Mutant, I don’t think, looks like this or wants any part of this!”

Riding the tease-wave to near perfection, the 20 minute Chace LaChance, members-only testimonial video in the MDW VIP Lounge promises and delivers sculpted muscle god Chace in, out, in and out again of gear. “Mutant, I don’t think, looks like this or wants any part of this!” Chace crows, staring down at his incredibly hot body, feeling his hairy muscles with a deeply satisfied groan and smirk of pleasure. You’ll only see Chace’s least seen muscle by joining the MDW VIP membership area, and the same goes for Mutant’s tit-for-tat fashion show video, though be warned that Mutant does his wardrobe changes all off camera. The MDW VIP nook isn’t updated nearly often enough for me, and the interface is a blunt newsfeed-style (no galleries, searchable content, etc., though you can find many massive zip-files of photos and some members-only video content like Chace and Mutant’s testimonials). But I’ve got a major thing for cocky wrestling testimonials and intimate for-my-eyes-only wrestler chatter that shows off a hunk’s voice, wit, and the precise measure of his ego. Chace’s testimonial, like his full-frontal, is pretty damn eye-opening for me. This hot muscle monster needs to have that swelling ego and self-love featured a lot more! Mutant is more subdued, less demonstrative, but that muscled ass is a masterpiece!

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h51m12s101 — Obligatory arm wrestling contest to get some ego bruising going.

Ripped directly from my fantasies, Chace and Mutant’s 26 minute confrontation catches me by surprise time and time again, and these are the kind of surprises I love. The unspoken agenda in Oil Hunks 3 is satiating the gear fetishists among us. Someone seems to have had a blast dressing up both mouthwatering musclemen like his own personal pair of Ken dolls. I lose count of the number of gear changes that happen (off camera) during this match, and I completely lose sight of the internal logic as to why they change gear over and over again. But who the fuck cares, particularly when you get a look at the crystal smooth, granite carved glutes on Mutant as he works out to start the video, wearing a bewildering unitard-ish black and blue… thing. I have no idea how to describe this. There’s no way it was designed for a body like Mutant’s. It looks equally odd on Chace when he squeezes his massive muscles into it later on in the match. But the one thing it does with epic success is give unobstructed views of these boys’ incredible asses. The plot is simple. Hot muscle boys working out in the same gym have to decide whose ~~cock~~ bicep is bigger. I crave them both equally, so I claim objectivity when I say Mutant’s muscles are simply more massive, but Chace’s physique is unquestionably more aesthetically beautiful. Simple visual comparison will not settle this, of course, so the boys arm wrestle. Simple arm wrestling will never settle this, so this muscle feast is heading nowhere else but the wrestling ring.

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h51m51s233 — Plenty of mouthwatering muscle asses in ever changing gear

I’d say the ratio of muscle posing to wrestling is about 50/50, which isn’t my ideal, but it’s hard not to see why MDW felt it necessary to let the camera linger long and hard on almost every stunning inch of flesh on this two beautiful men. Chace controls the pace of the narrative, insisting pose by pose on the side-by-side comparisons. Almost seductively, Mutant obeys at nearly every turn. I’m thinking the fantasy I had that Chace would make this massive musclebeast his bitch for the asking could very well sort itself out, making me suspect I may have actual extrasensory perception.

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h54m47s183 — When they get down to business, Chace sits his fine, hairy ass into the driver’s seat first and most.

Chace again is in the driver’s seat when these massive studs finally get down to touching each other via actual wrestling. Chace is also the one to bring what wrestling experience there is in the ring, using the ropes, applying some decent holds, and working the story arc of muscle v muscle battle for dominance. I find it breathtaking watching the physical confrontation framed within the albeit aesthetically questionable gear choices the boys keep making. In particular, the highlights on bulging packages and bare asses is fantastic. Although Chace brings a nicely established resume from the pro wrestling experts at BG East and Mutant comes with a smattering of fratboy mat wrestling experience from Thunder’s Arena, the combat side is a bit plodding. The boys are simply too massive to move with much speed. Most of the offense is in the form of stomps and trampling, with little showcasing of finesse or tide turning. Bearhugs and a lot of tests of strength carry through the theme that these boys both hang their hats on sheer beef, and they’ve got little interest in controlling vulnerable joints or working on actual submission holds. There’s a strong tone of “just beat the fuck out of each other till just one man is standing” to Oil Hunks 3. I’m always wanting more accomplished wrestling from MDW, but then again… with physiques like these so overtly displayed, I’ve got plenty to hold my attention.

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h55m12s176 — Loser pays homage to the victor’s muscles with a sacrifice of oil.

Just to prove the point that my June 11 prediction was not based on insider trading, when it comes time for one dominant stud to demand the loser oil up his massive muscles, it is not Chace making Mutant his bitch after all. I do love that Chace is game to stroke big Mutant’s muscles and slick the big boy down beautifully. That, paired with Chace going the full monty for the VIP members makes me desire greatly to see this beauty continue to settle in deeper into the most accomplished niches of a homoerotic wrestling repertoire. For all of his gorgeous, bulging mass, Mutant remains a little 2-dimensional for my tastes. He doesn’t enjoy it quite enough when his humiliated opponent obeys his commands. He doesn’t have that lick-lipping, eye fluttering hit of erotic satisfaction at grinding the sculpted, hairy muscle god before him into the mat. Again, however, I say these two incredible specimens deliver plenty to command my attention and make me gasp over and over.

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h58m18s235 — Muscleman Chace is ground into the mat before all is said and done!

My June 11 fantasy, of course, had a part 2 in which having sorted out who’s top and who’s bottom, Chace and Mutant tag team in their next outing against two of the MDW classics, preferably Muscle Master Kevin with subdued and obedient boytoy sidekick Damien Rush. The Season 11 catalog appears not to fulfill that fantasy, but a boy can still hope, can’t he? Oil Hunks 3 is truly delightful on so many counts. This, along with the absolute game-changer that is the Season 11 release of Daddy’s Home, convince me that MDW is determined to make a move, capturing not only more hot slices of man meat to join their stable, but capturing more of the homoerotic wrestling market that gets off on hot guys, hard wrestling, and an unapologetic homoeroticism.

From Asses to Kissing

July 1, 2014 wrestlebardLeave a comment

After Rudolph was the first to correctly identity the beautiful glutes in last week’s Name That Ass game, I asked him to name a topic he’d like to see a neverland post devoted to. He named a classic figure from BG East yesteryears who, I completely agree, has been woefully neglected in the pages of this blog. Honoring both Rudolph’s awesome game winner and the abundant merits of the sexy ass hunk in question, let’s chat just a bit about Sean Patrick.

Sean earned the name, “The Kisser,” by doing exactly that. He used those luscious lips to lock on to an opponent mid-match and suck the fight right out of him. He came out swinging in his notable debut against BG East fixture and ever-dangerous mat daddy, DW, in Undagear 2 (you may have to ask for it, since I don’t see it listed in the online catalog at this point). A hot, long, sexy rookie leading with his lips is quite a way to establish your credentials, so it’s little wonder the BG East boys starting lining up to sample Sean’s wares.

sean5 — Sweaty Ted Hamill was apparently so satisfied by every inch of Sean’s body in Wrestleshack 3 that Ted never wrestled again!

I’ve mentioned before my impression that Christian Taylor became Sean’s heir apparent a few years later. The two bear more than a passing resemblance, at least in my estimation. Very similar body types. Less than an inch in height difference. Classically handsome, dark haired, luxuriously long. And they both have lips that absolutely scream out for some mid-match suckface. Like Christian, there was an instant, intuitive homoerotic passion whenever Sean climbed on board. Kissing shows up with remarkable regularity with both of these pretty boys.

sean7 — Sean clearly had a major oral fixation!

Sean inaugurated the Sexy Showdown series at BG East in his sophomore release. His opponent, Kurt Eriksen, came loaded for bear in order to work over the audacious rookie who had the nerve to completely distract Kurt’s buddy, DW, with those sexy lip locks. So, in a way, the very concept of the Sexy Showdown franchise his built upon Sean’s searching, probing, aggressively grasping lips. There’s no need in Sexy Showdown 1 (or 2, or 3, or 4… Sean starred in them all) to read a homoerotic subtext. The eroticism is right in your face, or, more accurately, planted squarely across the lips of his opponents.

sean2 — Iain Scott nearly rips Sean’s head off in his eagerness to taste those lips!

He regularly wrestled his way right out of his gear, and the lovely, lean stunner had an ever-ready rod proportionally long and, appropriately enough, a magnet for the mouths of many opponents. Sean broke-in epic muscle stud Iain Scott in Sexy Showdown 3, and the meat of both of these incredible studs played prominently in the explosive finish. In Showdown 4, Sean’s sword was once again unsheathed by sweaty muscle pig Bud Orton, who uses Sean’s incapacitation in a steamy figure-4 headlock to make the Kisser lose his load, and the match, but in Sexy Showdowns, who really loses?

sean8 — Hottest homoerotic wrestling finish in history? This has got to be a contender!

Sean also helped inaugurate the Tag Team Torture franchise, starring in what I continue to think of as the paradigmatic example of the essence of homoeroticism in wrestling by teaming up with Patrick Donovan and running into the brutal heel-buzzsaw of vicious, sadistic, perpetually horny Cruze and Jose. There’s so much right about that bout. The pitch perfect positioning of beautiful, lean babyfaces staring down meaty, hungry heels is spot on. Sean and his brave compatriot, Patrick, play their parts with skills that no pair of rookies should be able to, bravely flinging themselves again and again into the breach. And the 2-on-1 double teams, brutal humiliation, and total disregard for common decency of Cruze and Jose send this match hurtling headlong into a genre-defining moment, as Sean and Patrick are stripped naked (Cruze also peels off his own trunks, but just because he’s so fucking turned on!), brutalized, and stacked like cordwood in an innovative double-dose suffering of a camel clutch/boston crab combination. Just for kicks, and judging by the size of Cruze’s erection, he’s getting a major kick out of it, the heels finally force the doomed babyfaces into face-to-face simultaneous camel clutches, topping off (me) the homoeroticism by forcing the humiliated twosome to suck face on command. That’s got to be in my top 5 most insanely sexy matches!

sean3 — Sean commandingly put Ian Nesbitt right where he wanted him.

Sean cemented his credentials as one of the founding fathers of explicit sexiness in homoerotic wrestling by starring in two X-Fights, first against Dick the Prick in X-Fights 22, then against Ian Nesbitt in X-Fights 23. Check out this sizzling match description of The Kisser at the peak of his wrestling prowess and reputation:

“As this erotic epic begins “the Kisser” traps cute Ian in a vicious spladle neckcrank and the tone is set for some very aggressive mat mayhem. The feisty Scot counters with a ballgrab and a surfboard submission, but that just provokes Sean’s mean streak: Ian soon finds his face repeatedly forced into Sean’s crotch, wedged under his bare feet, defenseless against Sean’s infamous liplocks! After Ian “wedgies” his trunks, Sean cranks on a nasty boston crab and then makes him scream in a surfboard. Visibly horny, Sean strips the now less-resistant Ian, trapping him in a nude guillotine/legsplit complete with cocklock and kissing! More humping, more feet in face, with Ian finally “exploding” his load trapped in Sean’s figure-4 headscissors. As Ian cries “I submit,” Sean shoots his load on the Scot’s pretty face. Intensely erotic mat punishment. HOT!”

Sean’s final match. as far as I can tell, was against his former tag team partner Patrick Donovan in Submissions 6. Apparently there was no love left by the time the two lean stars collided on the mat. Maybe the shared public humiliation at the hands of Cruze and Jose was what ratcheted up their Submissions 6 collision to such a vicious, fevered pitch. There was still kissing, of course, but holy fuck, it was so brutal, so aggressive! They nearly rip each other’s heads off in this battle. Face sitting, crotch-ripping, neck-wrenching full nelsons and tit-for-tat guillotines… maybe this was always going to be about determining who has to walk away with the lion’s share of the Tag Team Torture 1 shame. Whatever the reason, we don’t seem to have heard from The Kisser since settling his score with Patrick.

So, on behalf of Rudolph, let me just put this out there into the ether: what did ever happen to Sean Patrick!? Is he still wrestling somewhere? Is he a corporate banker with 3 kids and a 4th wife? Rudolph wants to know, and I’m first in line if anyone can track The Kisser down for an interview. Spread the word. Lots of us have plenty of love left for Sean Patrick!

Another neverland

June 30, 2014 wrestlebard3 Comments

Long-time friend and occasional contributor here at neverland, Jose, has his own homoerotic wrestling blog!? How did I not know this until now? Well, it’s probably in part due to La Sustancia being in Spanish, and I chose the infinitely more practical Swedish when I had to choose a foreign language to learn [note the ironic tone intended, though I LOVE hunky Swedes!]. Jose promises to post a few English translated posts now and again, such as his June 25 scientific analysis demonstrating empirically the qualitative and quantitative tale of the tape comparing the biggest homoerotic wrestling producers in the business.

While I can’t read the labels, this graph clearly demonstrates a number of things. One, data turn me on. Two, Jose and I have extremely high rater reliability when it comes to how we code the Can-Am and BG East catalogs. Three, Jose and I are almost eerily identical when it comes to where our preferences lie. Four, and this is just an initial hypothesis for future research efforts, I may simply be Jose’s English speaking doppelgänger, or vice versa. Or we share the same brain.

lon — Lon Dumont is just one of many shared infatuations between Jose and me.

You may remember that Jose posted a consumer report here at neverland on his private match with Jonny Firestorm (if not, trust me, Jose was an extremely satisfied customer!). Jose and I have bonded in comments and emails over many overlapping infatuations, such as long-time neverland favorite Lon Dumont. We were both a little shocked at ourselves for admitting that we simply had to vote for Pete Sharp for best bulge over the notorious monster package of Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Goodman to you!) this year in BG East’s year-end best-of awards. And recently we agreed that the two of us need to personally welcome Gio Benitez to homoerotic wrestling with a 2-on-1 newsboy orientation. I don’t know what the Spanish word for “twins separated at birth” may be, but, yeah. That. For the vast swath of homoerotic wrestling fans for whom Spanish is a 1st language, and for those with passable Spanish, and even for those English speakers who want another look into the occasional translated post, you must bookmark and visit often La Sustancia. And tell Jose that his English-speaking doppelgänger sent you.

Wet & Wild Meets Wrestlefest

June 27, 2014 wrestlebard4 Comments

Congratulations to Rudolph for correctly fingering the mystery ass in yesterday’s post as belonging to Wade Cutler. I’ll consult with Rudolph about what topic he’d like some attention devoted to on the blog. In the mean time, I’d like to take a moment to consider fluid.

wet — The Cheshire Cat smiles in control of dangerously sexy Skrapper.

Water, specifically. BG East’s newest catalog features a Wet & Wild release (#7, for those counting) that is unlike any I’ve seen before. This has the feel of Wet & Wild meets Wrestlefest, which, in my estimation, dials up the hotness of a Wet & Wild release about 34.6 times. We saw preview shots of these shenanigans smuggled out from OMI (Our Man Inside) last fall. I thought it was probably just the hot boys of BG East blowing off some steam (perhaps each other) in between matches. Little did I realize the fun in the pool would become it’s own full length feature.

wet2 — Trey gets acquainted with rookie heel Kayden Keller’s hot thighs and crotch.

Specifically featured are Mason Brooks, Trey Dixon, Ty Alexander, Kayden Keller, Drake Marcos and Skrapper. Three of these hot numbers have graced the pages of this blog with interviews, and I’d donate a redundant internal organ to nail interviews with the other three. The combat side of the poolside fun starts with a game of “chicken” (at least, that’s what we called it when we played it in the pool as kids). Ty Alexander mounts Kayden Keller(‘s shoulders) and Drake Marcos mounts Mason Brooks(‘ shoulders) to see who can unseat whom. Play turns to elimination submission wrestling, with head-to-heads featuring Kayden v Ty, Kayden v Skrapper, Skrapper v Drake, Skrapper v Trey, and Trey v Mason.

wet6 — Ripped Trey puts the rookie heel Kayden in his place.

I’ve gone on the record about being lukewarm about pool wrestling productions in the past, mostly due to so much fine skin remaining unseen underwater. The boys of Wet & Wild 7 largely take care of that problem by taking the action above the surface, including writhing racks, OTK backbreakers kneeling on the pool steps, and a whole lot of humiliating head scissors perched on the pool deck. This Wrestlefest version of W&W also features a delightful display of personalities that I sometimes find missing among the sputtering and splashing of pool matches. Kayden’s predator face cuts straight to the bone as he eats rookie Ty alive (yum!). Drake’s ever-present smile is beaming as he ambushes Trey from behind (only to be erased as Trey humiliates him later), and Mason’s supremely confident smirk nearly makes all competition wither by itself. Like all pool shenanigans, there are egos displacing more water than bodies, and I adore both the bodies and the personalities getting dunked and crushed equally.

wet7 — Trey shows off the tanned, impeccably toned physique that just humiliated young Kayden. Who’s next, chumps!?

The epiphany in this match for me personally is Trey. I’ve admired his incredibly sexy bod plenty before now. His Passion and Punishment mat match with Skrapper (for which, I’m assuming, their head-to-head in the pool must have been mere foreplay) gives me a fever just thinking of his ripped glutes flexing and covered in sweat under Skrapper’s relentless waves of offense. But when Trey manages to eliminate Skrapper from the impromptu king of the pool tournament, I’m genuinely shocked. But when Trey stretches out his arms, showing off his ripped muscles and glaring with icy cockiness, daring Mason to take his best shot, I am completely, entirely, knees-buckling sold.

wet10 — Too much cocky invites double-teaming!

The Mason v Trey head-to-head turns into a best of three falls, interrupted by a melee of double-teaming brutality in which every boy at poolside gets into the action. I love a gloves-off, rules-be-damned moment when a cocky hunk pushes his luck too far and gets teamed up on and humiliated, so I’ve got so much love for Wet & Wild 7! In this lean and luscious weight class of BG East, nobody is quite dominant enough to defend against a pack of hungry contenders, so watching these studs gang up on and humble the pack leaders is sweetly satisfying. But eventually, Trey and Mason are left standing, and Trey insists on riding the wave to a best of 3 come from behind victory.

wet3 — Trey is either going to snap off Mason’s head with those powerful thighs or drill a hole through his skull with that clenched-jaw-laser-focused stare of total domination.

It goes all three falls, happily. I feast for days on the sight of either Mason’s pumped pecs or Trey’s mouthwatering abs so masterfully displayed by each one’s opponent. The combination of back and forth dominance, however, is glorious! I’ve got to push rewind and watch it all over again when Mason is completely at Trey’s mercy, staring face/mouth first at Trey’s package in a spectacular face-to-crotch headscissors with Trey’s beautiful, tanned, toned body stretched out across the pool deck. Then again, I require an instant replay when Mason latches on a figure-4 choke on the deck, simultaneously showing off his own beautiful ass and his opponent’s hotly muscled, completely owned body. Hot damn!

wet4 — Mason ties up his challenger, perfectly showing off both of their hot, wet bodies.

wet5 — Bad to worse, Mason crushes Trey’s balls and batters his spine in an OTK backbreaker across the pool steps.

wet4jpg — The look of delight perfectly matches the total mastery Mason has over every mouthwatering inch of struggling Trey Dixon!

There’s a winner, though Skrapper is, not surprisingly, ready to fight it out all over again to contest the victory. But then again, everyone’s a winner as the boys top the hill of hot competition and coast headlong into full on passion in the middle of the pool. The affection is absolutely genuine, without a doubt. The open lust is obvious and needs little sell to deliver. Poolside Wrestlefest turns into full on orgy!? Okay, okay, okay! I’m duly chastised. Wet & Wild 7 absolutely convinces me that pool wrestling can be outstandingly sexy!

wet8 — This was all heading just one place: pool orgy.

Name That Ass

June 26, 2014 wrestlebard6 Comments

I’m back from a well-earned vacation and reconnected to internet access. For Throw Back Thursday (or is that so 20 minutes ago?), I’m sending up an homage to one of my favorite pastimes of years gone by: the Name That Ass game. Readers who’ve been with neverland a while, or who’ve scoured the archives, will remember that for a season or two I used to put up the homoerotic wrestling version of the old, old game show, “Name That Tune” (just dated myself, I know). However, this is neverland, so the “tune” was close ups of the luscious asses of homoerotic wrestlers (or occasionally cocks, but mostly asses). I’m resurrecting the gimmick with a twist today. Be the first person to name that ass in the comments of this post if you’d like me to attend to a personal homoerotic wrestling infatuation of yours. You see, I regularly get “requests” from readers to devote a post to a particular wrestler, a specific hold, a notable body part, a categorical gear choice, a favorite match, etc. I typically try to be encouraging but non-committal, because I have the attention span of a tsetse fly. More often than not, I forget, and the request gets buried in my inbox along with my best intentions. So if you have a particular topic you’d like me to post on, take a look at the amazing ass below. Study it well. Enlarge the photo as necessary. Lick the screen if it helps. Whatever it takes, be the first person to identify this beautiful bubble butt belonging to a perpetual infatuation of mine (and many, many of others), and you get to name a topic for me to opine on. And I’ll really do it, I swear.

So with the limited clues above and below, name that ass…

Hot off the presses!

June 16, 2014 wrestlebard1 Comment

The weekend I leave home for vacation, BG East goes live with Catalog 104.1! Damn! There’s a lot of eye candy I’m already enjoying on the website. I’ve had a chance to enjoy a couple of the new releases already, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to give any of these fine offerings a fuller treatment before I get back. Damn, damn, damn! There’s some fine temptations here!

joshua — Muscle sandwich! Mr. Joshua Goodman takes it from the front and the back going 2-on-1 against Braden Charron and Brad Barnes in Tag Team Torture 18.

cam — Cameron Matthews glistens with a bashed Lorenzo “Jake” Lowe draped across his shoulders in Submissions 9.

barry — Instant top tier entry into the Fantasymen category, Big Barry Burke brings the muscle in Ring Rookies 4.

jake — Guido Genatto appears to completely humiliate cocky stud Jake Jenkins in Demolition 17.

jonny — Jonny Firestorm appears to be about to rip the head off of Nick Rush in Demolition 17.

jayden — Jayden Mayne is in a world of hurt against Charlier Panther in Demolition 17.

Thing appear to get delightfully wet and wild with a bevy of babyface beauties in Wet ‘N’ Wild 7.

Do you know who the fuck I am!?

June 12, 2014 wrestlebardLeave a comment

Exploring UCW is like trying to enter a complex conversation already well underway. UCW has a championship title, which is a bit of drama I love. I enjoy keeping the competitive angle in even the most homoerotic of wrestling. At the moment, Eli Black is the “All-Star Champion” of UCW, which is hardly surprising. Eli has always been up front about his designs to conquer homoerotic wrestling, not just by beating every opponent he can get his hands on, but by singlehandedly taking over the back offices as well. Eli’s ambitions are matched only by his extreme dangerousness in combat. Just ask Michael Hannigan and Johnny Deep.

eli11 — Eli starts to clean house before the opening bell.

This is way back in match #332, mind you, but I’m still making my way through the UCW catalog, so excuse me for reporting old news. I infer from the opening dialogue that Michael Hannigan was, at the time, the championship title holder. I also surmise that guest “referee” Johnny Deep is a past opponent of Eli’s. In short, from the start, Eli is staring down two opponents that despise him (the feelings are completely mutual), with the title belt on the line. If it were any ordinary mortal, I’d say bad fucking luck, buddy. But this is Eli we’re talking about, so let me turn my attention to Michael and Johnny when I say, bad fucking luck, buddies!

Not really knowing the full blown characters in this mix (and they are definitely a set of characters!), I’m guessing that this was always going to turn nasty and unfair. So perhaps it’s not so much that Eli deserves the blame for going dark first, as much as he did unto others before they had a chance to do unto him. In the opening moments of the match, Eli absolutely devastates his actual opponent and the referee. I mean, completely destroys them. I’m discovering a hardcore intensity to UCW that Eli embodies beautifully, delivering strikes and take downs that don’t just level the other boys, but make me gasp as well. Damn, I’m pretty sure a couple minutes in that Eli is going to literally wipe the mat with both of these boys without breaking a sweat.

A word about the eye candy before I continue on with what moves me about the action. Eli is pristinely Eli. It’s not for naught that Eli keeps winning Best Abs at BG East. As I watch him take on two punks simultaneously, I keep marveling at his incredible athleticism. He’s whittled down to steel muscles and skin, although his ass (as Eli will be first to tell you) is a perfect balance of form and function. The “ref” (in name only) Johnny Deep wears baggy shorts and a referee shirt throughout, so I can’t say anything about his bod. He is a despicably punk ass bitch, however. I’m just fine saying that. He’s a vile opportunist, jumping in at only the moments when either 1) he can tip the tables in Michael’s favor, or 2) Eli is helpless to defend himself against a smirking, chuckling, sadistic interloper. Michael Hannigan, however, is a bit of an epiphany for me. He’s long and lean. Not nearly the world class leanness of Eli, of course, but a pretty thing to look at nonetheless. But when he turns around… bam! That ass! Holy shit! It may not be as brutally honed for combat as Eli’s, but it is a mouthwatering work of art. Turn the champ back around and it’s impossible not to notice that he’s got a protruding package perfectly accentuated by his trunks. His cheating viciousness doesn’t make me despise him as much as Johnny, and I’m just guessing that my infatuation with everything stuffed in Michael’s trunks are what is swaying my opinion.

eli5 — Vile Johnny has his left hand full.

My favorite moments in the action include Eli grabbing Michael by the hair and flinging him face first into Johnny’s crotch. I’m also infatuated with the sequence that starts with Michael and Johnny applying side-by-side single leg crabs on Eli, with vile Johnny adding insult to injury by reaching down and twisting the fuck out of Eli’s balls. Eli screams and writhes, until suddenly he reaches back with both hands and simultaneously claws both tormentors by the balls, flipping them over to their backs.

eli6 — Once again, Eli has his hands full.

Another highlight for me is when Michael is controlling Eli’s legs from behind and Johnny slides into place with glee to slap on a humiliating face-to-crotch head scissors. The ref is quite literally in mid-laugh, with Eli’s face buried deep, when Johnny abruptly starts to scream in a panic. Eli has chomped down, teaching the ref just how dangerous he can be!

eli7 — Johnny Deep probably won’t try this hold on Eli again anytime soon.

The pace is exhausting. The hits are brutal. The egos are bashed and bloodied. Those who follow UCW more closely than I have already know that the title does not change hand in this match (though since Eli is currently listed as the champ, I surmise it does eventually). But this is all about the incredible sell of Eli Black, as far as I’m concerned. “Do you not know who the fuck I am!?” Eli screams near the end of the match after deftly dodging a standing drop kick from Michael. “Are you fucking serious!? You dumb piece of shit!” This reminds me of a truism that Eli texted me once. This is Eli Black’s world, bitches. We’re just living in it.

eli2 — Eli is assaulted from every angle.

Michael “wins” by having his unconscious body dragged on top of Eli by the ref for the 3-count after Johnny has, yet again, sucker punched Eli and knocked him out cold. In other words, by the skin of their teeth, both Michael Hannigan and Johnny Deep were just barely able to squeak out a victory and escape entirely in tact. The personalities are massive. The wrestling is over the top and deeply convincing at the same time. And I am totally provoked by all three of these game young studs, in different ways, for every second of the 28 minute match.

The Tease

June 11, 2014 wrestlebard7 Comments

I love/hate a hot tease. I think the best/worst tease in homoerotic wrestling continues to be Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!), for constantly calling attention to his gargantuan package but never giving a glimpse of the monster beneath. I used to place Jobe Zander up there in the rankings of most heartless tease in homoerotic wrestling until a helpful reader pointed out to me his “masterpiece” is unveiled in a solo jerk off appearance in Can-Am’s Hard Heroes title Troubled Tights (which I still need to see). There are plenty of other homoerotic wrestlers who milk me/the suspense viciously with a cruel tease. Among them I count dreamy Rio Garza for that luxuriously hot body getting pummeled to a pulp repeatedly, but somehow never losing his trunks, and pendulous Pretty Pete Sharp who, like Mr. J, sports a mammoth bulge that screams, SCREAMS for someone to grab hold with both hands (it’s a two fister, for sure), but somehow, unbelievably, no one has.

First glimpse of Ty Alexander and Kayden Keller (left) before their BG East debut a month later.

When it comes to the heartless tease, of course there are entire homoerotic companies that choose to wear that mantle by marketing primarily to the gay wrestling kink audience without ever explicitly acknowledging the homoeroticism they invoke. I keep a candle lit that one day Rock Hard Wrestling and Thunder’s Arena, for example, will openly dive into the kink they tease, and I suppose the unrequited, underground wrestling tease is a marketing device for building and holding the tension, as we wait and wonder if they’ll step over the line finally. From an entirely different angle, Our Man Inside (OMI) at BG East has been working the tease like no other for the past 6 months or so, sneaking out behind-the-scenes photos of BGE boys between matches, including previewing never-before-seen newbies yet to see the light of day in official release. You may remember that’s how we “met” beautiful bon-bon Ty Alexander and smoldering heel-at-conception Kayden Keller. Kid Leopard himself gave neverland an exclusive tease of BG East’s new Florida campus and, at the same time, previewed now established monster-muscle heel Lane Hartley and go-go boy extraordinaire, Kip Sorell. Stroking the buzz ahead of release is a sweet moment in sex, and I for one think it has the potential to translate most excellently to the PR of homoerotic wrestling promotion as well.

MDW teases us with handsome muscle hunk Mutant

New kids on the block, Muscle Domination Wrestling, have lubed up and are rubbing out an exquisitely tantalizing tease of a new addition to their roster, Mutant. MDW’s VIP lounge members can peruse this incredible specimen of a muscle hunk in detail, and I’ve provided a few examples of Mutant’s beauty here as well. Mutant is about 5’11” and 225 pounds of insanely hot, hard, low hanging muscle with lickable ink on his left pec, right upper arm, and right obliques. Where do these stats come from, you might ask? MDW hasn’t told us anything about Mutant yet. But this isn’t Mutant’s first toe-dip into homoerotic wrestling. He’s also battled down in Florida for Thunder’s Arena nearly ripping fantasy twink Tak’s head off in Battlespace 69 (which for the numbering, I was hoping for something much more explicit).

Mutant looks like he can tease with the best of them.

I think there’s most definitely a place for tease-marketing, because I love getting my appetite whetted just enough to make me drool like a Mastiff every second until I can match up the reality to where my imagination has taken me. I’m not so much a fan of entire tease companies walking the line, but a sweet preview to get our blood boiling like these shots from MDW are tons of fun. Please, oh please tell me that Mutant is about to meet hairy he-man Chace LaChance in a rip, strip, and oil barnburner. Once Chace has made Mutant his bitch, please let’s see a daddy/boy tag team against just about anyone, but I’d give my left nut for it to be Muscle Master Kevin and an obedient Damien Rush. Just the thought of what might be is getting me very hot and bothered. See what a skillful tease can do!?

Thumbs down his trunks, Mutant teases plenty more to come!

Should the Opportunity Arise

June 10, 2014 wrestlebard2 Comments

There’s been a pretty insane rush to marry around my neck of the woods this weekend. Another judge determines that blatant discrimination enshrined at any level of state law is bullshit, and the flood gates bust open. Despite my long-standing skepticism about the impact of same-sex marriage on liberty, and the screwed up priorities of aggressively pushing for marriage rights while we have no universal fair employment or housing rights, I must admit it’s quite an adrenaline rush to see moes lined up to marry. I can almost literally feel domesticity creep over me. The taming of same-sex partnerships, shoe-horning the vast diversity of them into the constraints of acceptable heterosexual expectations threatens even my more radical commitments to the need for revolution rather than reform. With negotiated fidelity on the line, in the face of closeting the all-male menage a trios, the couples that date thirds, the contractual anything-goes-out-of-town loving relationships, I can just feel the gravitational pull of whitebread hetero monogamy built on centuries of religious strictures consuming us alive. As a personal commitment to keep the “alternative” in gay, let me just affirm for me and my special someone (who reads these pages, even though we never really talk about them) a few of the wrestling hunks for whom a legally “libertarian” inclusion into the structure of one-man-one-man loving would be instantly out the window, should the opportunity arise for some extracurricular (or, hell, three-way) activities. I’m sure absolute monogamy is great for many, but here’s a sample of who could climb into my/our bed anytime.

darius — Darius… I’d share him with my partner.

landon — Landon Conrad… I think I’d have to have him all to myself, or possibly with another one of his gorgeous pornboy stud buddies.

skrappertrey — Trey Dixon and Skrapper… I’d be the filling in that sandwich anytime!

cam — Cameron Matthews… I’d have zero inhibitions faced with him!

ruhl — Marcus Ruhl… more than enough to share with this massive hunk of muscle.

logan — Logan Vaughn… I’d need some private time with those gargantuan thighs.

xaos — Chris Xaos… me, my partner, and ever Britboy wrestling hunk we can find can pile on!

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