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Fighting a Dick

July 29, 2014 wrestlebardLeave a comment

I’ve been a fan of Logan Vaughn since I saw him in way underutilized in Ultimate Top. He’s hot from head to toe, but those legs of his blow my mind! It’s no wonder, when posed with choosing the obligatory nickname for his Naked Kombat debut, that he/they chose to call him Logan “Leg Lock” Vaughn. His telephone pole thighs simply cannot be ignored when summing up what grabs you most about Logan, and if you want to intimidate an opponent, just call to mind the possibility of getting “grabbed” and crushed by those gargantuan quads.

logan2 — John quickly grabs hold of the momentum

Logan hits the NK mats at 5’10” and 175 pounds. When asked what he thinks of John “Suplex” Smith, Logan focuses on THE ONLY weakness evident at the outset, smirking “he’s pretty pasty. He needs a tan. So I’m going to kick him where the sun doesn’t shine.” The problem is, a lack of tan (only arguably a “weakness,” at best) is pretty much the only thing to pick on. A self-reported two time All-American wrestler with extensive MMA experience past and present, lean and in phenomenal condition with washboard abs carved out of (pale white) marble, John is ripped and resumed! He’s 3 inches taller, but the same weight, so perhaps it’s a little stretch when he calls out Logan as “scrawny, but cute.” On face value, though, I’m seeing instantly that conditioning and cardio, not to mention a mountain of technique and skill, are going to make this a really, really bad day for unlucky Logan.

logan3 — Even when Logan is on top, you get the feeling John is in complete control

The first round looks like more of a back and forth scramble at first blush, but I don’t argue with the NK point tally at the end of the round that gives the advantage 18-9 to John. “Suplex” is in control, whether he’s on top or bottom (love that in a man), and there are moments where it seems clear that he’s just letting Logan push some offense. For example, despite his masterful balance and control, he just allows Logan to put him on his back, slide up his torso to a schoolboy pin, and smash John’s face into Logan’s crotch. Yeah, I can understand why John would be more than happy to give away those points. It’s not like he’s going to have any problem winning them back. It’s Logan’s trunks that get ripped off first, though understandably it takes some doing to stretch the red fabric around those gargantuan thighs (have I pointed out that enough!?). John’s trunks come of his lean, streamlined body soon afterward. By the time the first round score is announced, Logan is clearly winded, while the all-American stallion looks like he hasn’t even started.

logan4 — Logan’s legs are phenomenal!!! (as is the rest of him, but seriously, look at those legs!)

Of course I watched this match entirely to feed my infatuation with Logan, but John is now firmly in my radar for wrestling kink. Watching him play Logan’s body like a pipe organ is incredibly sexy, and there’s just nothing but incredibly defined, hot athletic muscle on him. In round 2 he starts to get into the moment, muttering “yeah, yeah,” as he relishes the feel of Logan struggling impotently in yet another immobilizing hold. Jock straps are ripped off. There’s no disguising that this is 100% John’s match pretty much every moment. When Logan uses his superior muscle mass to power on top, you can watch his endurance meter dive each and every time. At the end of round 2, they announce that the score is now 32-16 for John. In 2 rounds, Logan hasn’t managed to catch up to John’s first round!

logan6 — John places his full weight onto the lower back of bodybuilder beast of burden Logan.

Production gets weird when immediately after the end of round 2, they come out and announce “at the end of round 3” John has won the match 32-16. Round 3? What the fuck? The gladiator pornboys don’t argue. John gets down to force-feeding Logan his cock. There’s a most excellently selected pony ride, as the star athlete makes the bodybuilder powerhouse his beast of burden. He fucks him, steps on his face, forces Logan to lick his own cum off of John’s toes. “Leg locks didn’t do anything for you this time, did they, fucking little bitch!” John finishes the erotic domination strong.

logan7 — John Smith keeps taunting, smirking, belittling Logan post-match like a heel.

Unlike many NK post-match interviews, John keeps the trash talking going strong, belittling and taunting Logan who has to silently witness the conversation. There are a couple moments where Logan flexes his stunning quads, making me think that he’s not taking it good-naturedly. Little wonder, because when it’s Logan’s turn to interview, he quickly explains he had a pre-existing back injury coming into the match. After attempting to lift his opponent a third time in round 2, Logan reports that he knew he was finished. Couldn’t do it again. Couldn’t manage a round 3. So considering Logan took the sex round like a sport, looking back on John’s choice of a pony ride mounted across Logan’s injured back, as well as his post-match taunts and smirks, it all certainly makes “Suplex” seem like a real dick! Which, if we just get this thoroughbred into a pro wrestling ring, will serve him excellently.

logan5 — We learn well after the fact that Logan had a back injury all along, which places the whole match in a different light!

I hope Logan’s back is better, and I hope this doesn’t put him off more homoerotic wrestling. Despite his nickname, he had no opportunities to crush John like a pop can between his massive, sexy thighs, and until I see a lot more of that, I will continue to feel that we’ve yet to see all of what Logan has to offer. He doesn’t look happy post-match, but he promises that he’s going to come back for a sophomore match for NK once he’s fully recovered from his back injury. Score.

Worn Wragged

July 28, 2014 wrestlebard2 Comments

For those of you who don’t follow the intrigues of hunky newsboys as much as I do (i.e., all of you), let me introduce you to hot stuff Chris Wragge. I mused on the blond beauty back in his ill-fated year on the national stage as an anchor in the reboot of The Early Show on CBS. It took just a year for Wragge’s reboot to get the boot, sending the tall, tanned stud back to the minor leagues (albeit, the much coveted NYC market). Although he’s not been nearly so prominent on the national news scene since, Chris has remained in my Twitterfeed. And based on the increasing frequency of beefcake shots and extensive gym workout coverage in skin-tight leotards showing off his gargantuan, thick thighs and gasp-worthy ass), I’m thinking Wragge still has his eyes on the fad (I like to think of it as an enduring fashion) in national news outlets to feature Hollywood leading men-looking hunks with hot bodies. Not to be upstaged by Chris Cuomo’s videoed workouts for Men’s Fitness or Gio Benitez popping the seems of his suit coats with his gargantuan biceps, Chris is keeping his hot bod toned and ready for the next call up. Staying entirely competitive in that race for a spot back in the major leagues, Chris is pounding out his sweet, juicy muscles with an impressive focus and steady stream of teases online. He’s not as lean as Chris Cuomo. He’s not as stacked as Gio Benitez. He’s not anything like the hot, hairy, smolderingly sexy Matt Gutman. But he’s sporting entirely clawable pecs. I’m still not sure that the nation is ready to trust a tanned, bleached-teeth muscle boy who is (and this is the key question) blond. We seem to like our news chicks blond, but our lustworthy newsboys? He’s either just out of synch or avant grade. I think a snap suplex on muscleboy extraordinaire Gio Benitez could convince me he’s got what it takes, though. What do you think?

wragge6 — Chris indulges frequently in posting pics of himself soaked in sweat and working out, so we know he’s a fan pleaser.

wragge2 — There’s no other possible explanation for why a straight man would wear this muscle-sucking workout leotards. His thighs are huge, his ass is stunning, and he wants you to know it!

wragge3 — Did I mention the pretty boy wants you to see him sweat?

wragge4 — Muscles flexing, the big studly blond wants his crack on the muscle stage of national newsboys.

A Rock and a Hard Place

July 27, 2014July 26, 2014 wrestlebard2 Comments

Regular readers know that my infatuation with Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Joshua to you!) and his bulge know no bounds. I’ve long muttered that I wish I knew how to quit him, because he’s a horribly cruel tease. But the moment I see that there’s a new Mr. Joshua release, I salivate uncontrollably and start obsessing all over again. So I was thus already entirely physiologically aroused when I sat down to slurp up Tag Team Torture 18: 2 on 1.

b&b — Team B&B: Braden Charron and Brad Barnes

The “2” are similarly slurp-able Braden Charron and Brad Barnes. Braden has recently emerged from jobberhood as an increasingly dangerous ring veteran. He’s still full of attitude, but these days he actually has a lot more than just looking pretty to back it up. Brad seems appreciative as hell to learn at the feet of seasoned Braden, as the two quickly and effectively establish their characters as muscle master and obedient apprentice.

joshua12 — Team B&B cannot believe their luck when Mr. Joshua announces he’ll take them both on singlehandedly.

When Joshua shows up dressed in badboy black and announcing his tag team partner has stood him up, B&B can’t quite believe that Mr. J has decided to take them both on singlehandedly. Joshua doesn’t seemed concerned about his odds. Atypically, he’s checked out the competitions’ resumes and seen them both repeatedly manhandled. He doesn’t seem to have noticed Braden’s more recent graduation to the ranks of the serious competitors, though. Too much Mr. J arrogance? Or does he know something about the B&B boys that evens the score?

josh2 — Mr. Joshua goes where so many muscle bashers have gone before.

Mr. Joshua joins the long line of BG East badboys who have sunk their claws deep into Brad Barnes and made all of his mouthwatering muscles melt in agony. He OWNS musclestud Brad beautifully! Perhaps J’s strategy is simply to pick the muscle jobber clean and never allow badass Braden a moment to intervene. If he can manage that, I totally believe the odds have tilted in his favor.

josh6 — Mr. Joshua taunts Braden who watches helplessly from the ring apron as his muscleboy partner is humiliated.

Soaring on top, Mr. Joshua gets cocky (I know, that’s redundant). He taunts Braden who, as a competitive face, has to watch helplessly from the ring apron as his muscleboy partner is completely humiliated. J flaunts his domination of crumbling Brad, pointing out to worrying Braden exactly where team B&B’s achilles heel lies (somewhere between Brad’s ears). J provokes and preens the fresh muscle master, riling him up and daring Braden to take a dip on the dark side and fuck the rules.

josh3 — Muscledaddy Braden steps in to school his boy’s bully.

You knew it. I knew it. Mr. Joshua’s overconfidence would come back to bite him in his gorgeously muscled ass (sign me up for that job!). Brad tags in his muscle master partner. Braden demonstrates to J that he’s no longer the infinitely crushable muscle jobber he was in days gone by. He out hustles and outmuscles Joshua with total command, seriously stroking my homoerotic kink by revisiting upon J revenge torture for pretty much each and every humiliating maneuver that Joshua had subjected Brad to. How dare you hurt my partner, the subtext screams. Now I’m going to teach you a lesson for making my baby boy cry!

josh11 — Braden’s abdominal stretch makes Mr. Joshua teeter on the edge of a humiliating defeat.

Brad grows visibly excited on the ring apron watching his muscle master take control and defend his honor. Taking in the sight of his muscle daddy beating up his bully, the muscleboy literally bounces on the balls of his feet, pleading to get tagged in to savor the moment of making cocky Mr. J submit. Braden’s got J trussed up gorgeously in an abdominal stretch, millimeters away from wringing Joshua dry. He shakes his head, clearly pissed that earnest Brad is pleading to give up a sure thing in order to wrench revenge out of his bully’s battered body. Braden is an indulgent muscle daddy, however. Against his better judgment, he tags Brad in.

josh12 — Earnest Brad struggles to pick up where Braden left off.

Brad quickly, just a little awkwardly wraps Mr. Joshua’s aching body back up into an abdominal stretch. But his center of gravity is too far forward. He doesn’t quite stretch Mr. J out to the limit. Braden tries to coach him into position from the corner, but Joshua is obviously catching his breath in Brad’s clumsy control. Brad struggles to nail the submission hold down when abruptly J flexes those stunning abs, twisting forward, pulling the jobber off balance and flipping him over, slamming him to his back. Brad’s blown it!

joshua13 — Mr. Joshua grabs control of this situation with both hands.

If Mr. Joshua was cocky before, if he was taunting and shaming-by-association Braden before, he’s out of control now. Brad is putty in J’s hands. Joshua scolds Braden for letting his muscleboy suck him into such a rookie mistake.

joshua14 — Mr. Joshua defies the rule-abiders from allowing muscle daddy back into the ring.

As long as everyone is playing by the rules, with Mr. J staying on message by neutralizing Braden by monopolizing Brad, he’s got this all wrapped up. But this is Mr. Joshua, and self-restraint is not his strong suit. He both provokes Braden a step too far and completely unnecessarily cheats in his possession of withering Brad. Faces B&B hear the dinner bell ring when Joshua signals that the rules are out the window.

josh10 — So you don’t want to play by the rules, Mr. Joshua!?

Here’s where the most epic promise of this match is realized. Mr. Joshua is absolutely brutalized in a muscle bashing double team. The visuals here are simply stunning. Joshua is completely overwhelmed under two mountains of muscles bearing down on him. B&B toss him back and forth, both muscle daddy and his boy staying perfectly fresh even as Joshua is wearing down to pieces.

josh4 — Braden hoists the screaming muscle heel high and tight.

Mr. Joshua is nothing but B&B’s plaything as they trade him back and forth in bear hugs. Mr. J’s legendarily dangerous muscle physique clad in badboy black suffers with the majesty of a mighty predator-turned-hunted.

joshua16 — Braden feeds his muscleboy with a morsel of crushing his bully.

When B&B turn Mr. Joshua into deli meat in the middle of their muscleboy sandwich, I’m thinking that this has become a game changer in Mr. J’s career arc. Mr. J has suffered before. He’s been crushed by some of the best. But squeezed like jelly between two of the prettiest wrestlers to have jobbed for BG East, Joshua’s humiliation has never been more poignant.

The crushing of Mr. Joshua is complete. B&B are delighted with themselves as they soak in the sight of the notorious badboy turned into their bitch. Brad, in particular, is intoxicated, bouncing for joy and luxuriating in flexing over the once mighty king of the ring. The Best Bulge winner two years running is an impotent puddle on the mat, not just outmuscled, but outmuscled by a pair of pretty boy jobbers-no-more. I’m smelling fresh meat, and if I know the ranks of ambitious young BG East wrestlers (and I do), I’m certain I’m not the only one. Mr. J’s hot ass and massive, pendulous, legendary package have got a pair of bullseyes painted on them.

josh8 — Dive in, boys! Mr. Joshua’s broken body (and ego) is open for business!

And I for one am THRILLED!

Friday Fashion

July 26, 2014 wrestlebard1 Comment

I often wonder if Friday Fashion voting is mostly about the wrestlers or the fashions. So last week’s polls pitting the same wrestlers against one another in multiple fashions seemed like it might possibly uncover non-fashion related biases (for example, if everyone voted a party line ballot for every gear choice). My faith in democracy is restored now that I see each of the vote counts was different. There was a decisive victor overall, but neither muscle hunk won all the battles. Here’s the tally by the numbers.
Between Chace Lachance and Mutant, you decisively declared (101 – 22) that Chace wore the black leather trunks best. Whether his choice to leave the top unzipped biased your votes, we’ll never know, but I would hardly classify that pandering as out of bounds for this blog. Nicely worn, Chace!

The stars and stripes trunk vote was much closer (65 – 45), but once again it was hairy hottie Chace earning the most votes and making readers line up behind that gorgeous body.

The red thong vote took me just a little by surprise, because I honestly thought Mutant packed that pouch much more solidly, but the majority stuck with Chace in a commanding victory (77 – 33). I see what you’re talking about, mind you. Chace is a vision.

However, when it came to that daring black and blue lace up leotard, Mutant pulled out the respectable victory (59 – 44). Personally, I’d argue that no one actually looks “good” in this gear and that we should never, ever see the sight of it on a homoerotic wrestler ever again. But for as long as we did in Oil Hunks 3, it was smooth and sexy Mutant’s massive bulges that made that fashion-don’t as good as it could get.

Mutant’s victory was short-lived as Chace promptly spanked those muscled glutes of his when it came to the cheetah-print thong (75-30). I honestly thought Mutant’s magnificent ass was going to make this particular poll much closer, but I suspect Chace’s cocky attitude helps make this very little slice of a whole lot of heaven all about him.

I wasn’t surprised a bit that Chace overwhelmingly won approval (79-20) for his wearing of the tarzan tie-strap thong, because everything about this works in his favor. The fact that he was the one who mentioned that this look makes him feel like Tarzan only helps to sell just how completely he owns the look. As one commenter put it, “Chace can bring his Tarzan act to my treehouse anytime!”

So we didn’t even need the full on naked tie-breaker, because Chace commandingly owned the fashion wars with Mutant by taking 5 out of the 6 polls. While Chace doesn’t fair quite so well by the end of Oil Hunks 3 as he does in the fashion arena, no one loses when it comes to these two impeccably sculpted, sizzlingly hot muscle hunks pleasing fans in and outside of the ring.

I had a new Friday Fashion poll to post, but my poll widget appears broken. So you’ll have to express your fashion sense by leaving a comment. Who’s got the hottest fashion sense in homoerotic wrestling these days, do you think?

Making the News Bearable

July 24, 2014 wrestlebard2 Comments

The news these days is downright shitty. Murder and massacre and war, and the NRA screaming how the answer is more guns. Dumb shits. On the other hand, to help the bitter pill of today’s news go down just a little easier, news producers are serving up some distractingly sexy newsboys. Regular readers know my infatuation with newsboy hunks. I complete the circuitry of my fondest infatuations by persistently picturing the choicest journalistic meat going pec to pec in scorching hot homoerotic wrestling scenarios. But even if you don’t watch televised news and instantly think, “now that stud needs to star in a rip, strip and fuckstakes wrestling match!,” you can’t deny that there’s some pleasing eye candy to numb the horrors of the world of news today. Take, for example, my growing infatuation with insanely hunky young newsboy Gio Benitez over at ABC.

giopizza — Gio Benitez fuels those massive muscles. Look at that upper arm!

There’s a reason this smolderingly sexy, massively bulging beauty appears in People Magazine’s recent 100 Hottest Bachelor’s countdown. He’s featured regularly for special reports on Good Morning America and that fine bubble butt graces the guest reporter chair on World News with some regularity.

I’ve been offering a bounty for the first photograph made publicly available of gym bunny Gio shirtless, because we’ve seen more than enough shots of his gargantuan pecs barely contained within the fabric of V-neck, skin tight shirts. A couple of months ago, Gio himself posted a group shot of him hanging with a bunch of friends at the park, and (cue the choir of heavenly angels) Gio’s bulging torso is bare. Holy Mary mother of God that body does NOT disappoint! The shoulder, the veiny bulging bicep, the slabs of beef that are his pecs, and look at his six-pack singing like the Sirens! My life will remain woefully incomplete unless I someday see that smoking hot muscle bod crushing some ridiculously lucky hunk in a feet-off-the-floor bearhug. For starters, I nominate the similarly ripped red-headed fitness model posed in perfect symmetry to hunky Gio.

gioshirtless2 — Hell yes look at that body! Get this newsboy in a ring!

Personally, I’ve convinced myself that Gio’s right hand his stretch far enough behind the chick between them for him to slip his fingers down the back of red-head’s shorts and, at the moment this pic is snapped, take a long, juicy squeeze. There’s going to never be enough Gio hotness to soak in, so here are a couple more shots of the only guns that have a snowball’s chance in hell of bringing about world peace.

bioarms — Potential to be a cocky son of a bitch.

giosit — Gio contemplates who needs to get squeezed between those gargantuan thighs of his.

So, definitely let’s see Gio and the red-headed scorcher in the ring, and once Gio has made that lucky stud lick his nips in submission, I’ve got more newsboy beefcakes for him to face next.

chriscuomo4 — You’ve seen this classic Chris Cuomo shirtless fishing pic before. It’s worth another look.

I believe the keyword “Chris” remains the one used with most frequency throughout the history of this blog, and major league stud puppy Chris Cuomo gets most of the credit for that. Years ago he posted shirtless fishing shots that revealed to the world just how much Italian meat you can hang off of a 6’3″ body. Since then, Chris left Good Morning America (I’m still bitter), and finally left ABC all together and now anchors his own morning show on CNN. He’s also launched a partnership with Men’s Fitness in order to satisfy my fans’ infatuation with his gorgeous body. For clearly being someone who loves his body and doesn’t mind flexing his muscles for our adoration, there’ve been precious few follow-ups to his early iconic shirtless fishing pics. Recently on summer vacation, however, we’ve been treated to a couple of more.

cuomofish — Look at the muscles! He’s still got it.

Despite the fish placement, I’d say little bro Cuomo is looking as hot and sexy as ever. I tend to give age and experience an edge in homoerotic wrestling quarters, but I honestly don’t know who I think would win if Chris and Gio threw down. One way or another, Cuomo’s curly hair would definitely be used to drag his fine ass around the ring by the network newbie. Here’s another shot of Chris flexing his big guns subtly in Brazil for the World Cup. Sure, he’s begin all ballsy at the moment roaming the Ukrainian rebel-held territory and chatting up self-appointed “prime ministers,” but I think his work in Brazil (in tight polos) is his best recent work.

cuomobrazil — Like Chris Cuomo flexing a bicep in a hot, tight blue polo? Thumbs up!

Does Cuomo know why many of us keep track of him and make his name the #1 keyword on our blogs? I can’t say with certainty. His ongoing devotion to his muscle development, however makes me think he understand his asset ledger pretty well. And if this shot of one of his fans crawling up between his legs to gnaw on his bone is any indication (yes, this is an actual shot of Chris), I’d say shirtless fishing and bone sucking innuendo suggest he knows why some of us can still handle following the horrific news of the day.

cuomoboner — Some lucky bitch gets to crawl up between his thighs and gnaw on that mouthful of a bone. I’m next.

And speaking of newsboys crotch shots, I wasn’t the only one who popped my cork when ABC sent their other power hitter hunk reporter to be one of the first to experience “the world’s tallest water slide.” Neverland reader Uzzie sent me his caps of the segment in which deliriously handsome Matt Gutman gave us the perspective that all of us would like to experience firsthand, sliding camera between his legs for an up-crotchshot of him screaming and getting soaking wet.

gutmantorso — Of course this piece requires seeing Matt Gutman pull his shirt up and show off his hot, lean, hairy torso.

Screenshot (6) — The ideal Matt Gutman piece also requires him to spread his legs wide so he can slide a camera in to give you a picture of what it looks like to be in a Gutman face-to-crotch head scissors.

gutmanwater — Matt calls this his “Verrukt” face.

So in summary, the news sucks, but it helps if you can just picture yourself sucking a newsboy hunk. I’d stack these three particular fantasy men in order of muscles this way: Gio, Chris, Matt. Since the idea of stacking them is turning me on, let me further say I’d stack them in order of raw sexiness this way: Matt, Gio, Chris. When it comes to wrestling fantasies, the possibilities are endless. What do leading man good looks and rocking hard muscles have to do with news? Nothing. Which, considering the news these days, seems like a genius strategy.

Friday Fashion

July 18, 2014 wrestlebard3 Comments

Fashion plays a major role in the dramas of a couple of different new homoerotic wrestling releases. In Muscle Domination Wrestling’s newest season, Chace LaChance and giant rookie Mutant face off, repeatedly changing gear to demonstrate who looks hottest. Even more enticingly for wrestling fashionistas, both of these muscle beasts give solo fashion shows pre-match to whet our appetites, and I for one, am drooling uncontrollably. Almost by definition, Oil Hunks 3 insists on a series of fashion comparisons. Chace and Mutant have clearly formed opinions about who wore each piece of gear best. But here at neverland, it’s a tyranny of the majority of homoerotic wrestling fans who rule. So let’s take a look at both boys strutting their stuff in the same gear during and before their Oil Hunks 3 collision. Noting that you have 6 votes to cast below, you decide, gear by gear, who wore it best.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h53m23s139 — Chace LaChance rocked very brief black leather trunks, opting to leave the tops unzipped a little to let you follow his treasure trail.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h43m19s247 — Mutant sports the same black leather briefs fully loaded.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h37m14s169 — Chace tugs at the side of the Stars and Stripes full briefs.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h47m08s242 — Mutant opts for a sideways single bicep to highlight the bulge.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h39m26s227 — Chace goes full-on forward, daring you to take your eyes off his hairy muscles barely covered by the red thong.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h46m05s123 — Mutant puckers up and gives his freakishly hot, smooth body some loving, framed so beautifully in the same red thong.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h38m05s223 — The black and blue lace-up leotard was a bold fashion choice, but Chace is all in and bulging beautifully in it.

mutant — Not to be out-bulged, Mutant wears the same leotard out with the massive beef hanging off his bones.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h41m19s78 — Chace invites your lustful appraisal of him in a cheetah print thong.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h58m17s237 — For your full consideration, Chace also shows off the cheetah print thong from behind.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h48m08s83 — Mutant stares you down, tugging seductively at the sides of the same cheetah print thong.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h44m14s46 — Not to be outdone, Mutant shows off his astonishing backside in the cheetah print thong as well.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-10h40m11s55 — Chace says this tie-strap thong makes him feel like Tarzan.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h46m54s104 — The same tie-on thong makes Mutant feel like flexing.

vlcsnap-2014-07-18-09h42m41s46 — Finally, when it comes to comparing who wore nothing at all the best, Mutant is a forfeit. He did all of his wardrobe changes off camera, leaving the undisputed and richly deserving title of who wore nothing at all best to the devastatingly sexy, hairy, muscle bound, nude beauty of Chace LaChance!

All About Ty

July 15, 2014 wrestlebard9 Comments

Have you seen the Bette Davis movie All About Eve? If not, do so immediately or else your gay card may be revoked. If so, you’ll understand when I say that I think there’s a hit of Eve Harrington about young BG East rookie Ty Alexander. The doe-eyed young babyface has been at BG East what, half a day or so, but somehow he seems to have aw-shucked his way into a going concern at the company. In my interview with Ty, and in subsequent chats off the record since, he’s been unfailingly adorable, eager, giving off a perpetual air of being just honored to be a subject of conversation. The babyfaced tiger is perpetually self-deprecating, always first to bring up his inexperience. But if you know the Eve Harrington reference, you know that I’m suspecting there’s a lot more not quite right under the surface with young Ty. Did you see the flurry of high flying, high impact pro moves he pulled out of his ass in the opening moments of his debut in Raunchy Rookies 7!? For just a few seconds there’s a look on that dimple cheeked babyface as he’s making a stunned Kayden Keller wail in shock, when Ty smirks, gives just a barely perceptible lift of his chin in a cocky, I-love-it-when-a-plan-comes-together nod of satisfaction. On the surface, the kid is all about how he’s toning his body to raise his game. He’s all about how he’s learning from the upperclassmen and just thanking his lucky stars that The Boss is giving him a chance. He’s all about humility and insecurity and open-hearted ambition. But just beneath the surface, I’m starting to suspect he’s All About Ty.

So if you know All About Eve, then you know that I’m suspecting young Ty has a Margo Channing set in his crosshairs. If his babyface sincerity is, indeed, a masterfully executed veneer overtop of an ice-cold scheme to ascend to fortune and fame with his boot heel planted squarely across the shoulder blades of a headliner in front of him, then I’m suspecting that said Margo Channing is Drake Marcos. Regular readers of this blog know that I’ve had my eye on pretty young Drake since even before he made his BG East debut. That irrepressible grin made me be the first to dub him the Cheshire Cat of homoerotic wrestling. There’s no mystery at all about the fact that Drake instantly also had The Boss’ eye, earning the handsome stud a whole lot of leading roles under what is rumored to be the private and personal tutelage of Kid Leopard himself. He was a Debut of the Year nominee in 2012, and through quite literally a bucket full of blood, sweat, and mostly tears, Drake captured his share of the coveted title of Best Squash of 2013 (of course, being the one squashed by the masterful muscles of Jonny Firestorm). Drake has earned his way into the business, getting his ass handed to him over and over and over (and over) again, by what is now a long string of smirking, self-congratulatory victors. Honestly, I thought that referring to Drake as a jobber-rising was a compliment, because in less than 2 years the stud has settled into the role of one of the most sweetly suffering slices of meat being served by BG East. I thought I was offering some well-deserved flattery when I said that ingenue Drake was unquestionably an accomplished jobber who sells anguish like few others currently in competition. However, Drake seems to have taken my assertion that he’s a world class “loser” the wrong way, and not only has the Cheshire Cat promised me that he’s learning the lessons he needs to learn to eventually actually beat an opponent, he’s even promised that he’s got a little “present” for a certain blogger-critic who’s been too quick to relegate him to the ranks of starlet jobbers and deserving of an ass kicking.

baby3 — Drake takes total command of the larcenous rookie.

Enough about me. This post is actually about Drake and Ty. If you haven’t seen Babyface Brawl X, I highly recommend you get your hands on a copy. It goes much farther down the path of homoerotic wrestling fantasies than 95% of products out there. The plot is thick with intrigue and a touch of melodrama from the opening credits. Dimpled, adorable Ty is captured on camera sneaking into the mat room early to rifle through Drake’s gym bag. The larcenous little cherub fishes out a particular pair of fetching, designer underwear and slips out again with the loot. What we quickly discover, right around the time that Drake is discovering his been robbed, is that Drake has been crowing about these fluorescent lime green trunks to Ty for weeks as they’ve been planning this match. Drake’s been so excited to show off his hot ass in these square cuts, that his jaw just about drops to the floor when young Ty saunters back in, halo in place, and peels down to the very same pair of trunks he just stole from Drake. The balls on this kid! “Aw-shucks I’m just happy to be here” my ass!!!

baby7 — Ty tied up and locked down with authority!

Drake slips into a pink pair of almost as flattering trunks and promptly opens up a can of revenge-whoop-ass on a stunned ~~Eve~~ Ty. There’s just no question that young Drake, despite his abysmal win-loss record thus far, has been learning a thing or two since his debut. Honestly, he swarms all over Ty, leaving the kid simply unclear as to which end is up. Despite Drake’s certainty that I’ve unfairly persecuted him in the past, I’m happy to admit that he is incredible to watch as he patiently, with complete mastery, ties Ty up in knots before the rookie has any idea what just hit him. The intensity in this action is palpable. There’s a throbbing, sweating heat to the tumbles and slams that’s captivating to watch. There’s a moment there where I’m thinking young Ty may not actually be scheming, but rather perhaps he’s just plain stupid, because the upperclassman solidly humiliates the pretty newbie like there’s no tomorrow.

baby4 — There’s the Drake Marcos we know and love!

But when Drake moves in to reclaim his property, you can just about see the switch get thrown inside of Ty. I swear to god, you can watch his face change from awed and shocked and overwhelmed into a vicious little viper in a heartbeat. All of that commanding domination from Drake dissipates as the upperclassman starts to melt, like he has so many times before, under the rage and ruin raining down from another surprisingly accomplished opponent. With the lime green square cuts still halfway down his ass where he interrupted Drake’s attempt to rip them off, Ty folds the stunned stud up and plants his bodacious bubble butt right across Drake’s face. The more the newbie crushes and squeezes, the more we get to enjoy watching that familiar look of despair and agony contort the Cheshire Cat’s handsome face. Only this time, the humiliation is being doled out by one of the babiest-faced newbies on the planet! Oh, the humanity!

baby5 — Aw hell, he actually did it!? Drake… won!?!

Again, credit where due, after assuming his accustomed position and making me think Drake is going to remain the undisputed jobber king, the Cheshire Cat stems the tide, turns the tables and assembles a beautiful succession of debilitating submission holds that make the domineering schemer melt away from Ty’s dimpled cheeks. Unquestionably, decisively, this is the moment Drake promised me months ago. Believe it or not, Drake Marcos genuinely and convincingly beats someone!

I’m sure you’re as shocked as I. Trunks are forcibly traded, then stripped again as the two young bucks are worked into a genuine lather of lust by all of that heat and intensity. The wrong righted, Drake drags his naked prey out of the mat room. Scene fades to black.

baby2 — Careening down the path every homoerotic wrestling match should.

How many homoerotic wrestling matches leave us hanging right at that point? Billions? The real shocker (satisfyingly so) is scene 2. The camera opens on a television where Sunshine Shooters 5 is playing. You know the one, where Kid Vicious and Skrapper are beating the hell out of one another, cock slapping each other’s faces, absolutely brutalizing each other’s naked bodies. The camera turns to the nearby bed, where Drake and Ty have now retired to cap off their wrestling with full on amorous lust. The boys are fully aroused. The bed play is aggressive. Drake clearly has a fetish for getting off to being choked, and young Ty has no problem sliding the upperclassman’s throat inside his arms and toying with Drake’s carotid flow. The boys give the impression that they haven’t gotten off for weeks and haven’t eaten for days, as they consume one another with fantastic ferocity. In one of several cock-inspiring chokeholds, Drake explodes with a grunt of ecstasy that sounds almost like agony. There’s a subtle return of the smirk across Ty’s face as he settles in, finally blowing his own load.

Passionate kissing, stroking. It all ends on such a sweet note… until Ty points out that although Drake won in the mat room, when it comes to homoerotic wrestling, the last to cum gets bragging rights as well. Was that the scheme all along?! Ty both rises in his jobber-on-the-rise stock by losing brutally to the formerly can’t-win jobber-on-top, then slaps down a little ding to Drake’s ego by making sure the upperclassmen was the first to cum!? Drake goes into a rage, scooping up Ty’s wad from across his tanned torso and cum-slaps the climber with an audible, vicious, wet slap across the face.

So, yes. Drake finally… finally scored a legitimate victory over an opponent. He “won,” as he’s been promising for ages that he would, sooner or later. But if the rookie’s plan was in fact, all along, to unseat the jobberiest jobber in competition and add a little erotic insult to injury to boot, Babyface X was never about whether Drake could pull of a victory. It was never about those lime green trunks. It was never about revenge or passion or getting off. Perhaps, just maybe, all along it was All About Ty.

Fantasy Come True

July 8, 2014 wrestlebard2 Comments

A few weeks ago I took note of the fine art of the homoerotic wrestling tease, particularly spotlighting Muscle Domination Wrestling’s promotional sneak preview of their newest acquisition, Mutant. As I mentioned in that post, teasing is a delicate operation. Veer too far one way, it can just sort of piss off your audience and leave them bitter. Too far another way, and it can make the cow moot for all the milk you serve. I liked MDW’s Mutant tease, however, and I pointed out that it did to me what I think an accomplished tease is intended to do. It inspired my imagination to hungrily compose scenarios of what muscle beast Mutant might get up to once the MDW hunks get their hands all over that massive stud. Honest to God, I had absolutely no forewarning or insider trading scoop when I wrote on June 11, “Please, oh please tell me that Mutant is about to meet hairy he-man Chace LaChance in a rip, strip, and oil barnburner.” Seriously, I was just voicing what I thought was the optimal pairing of rookie meat with sophomore fine wine. Imagine my surprise when none other than MDW’s badboy boss Muscle Master Kevin commented on that post, saying, “The epic strength contest and winner-gets-oiled match between Mutant and Chase is 100% confirmed for season 11. Mutant has answered Chase’s challenge and next wednesday you can expect his VIP response to Lachance, showing off how he looks in the very same gear.”

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h39m37s53 — “Mutant, I don’t think, looks like this or wants any part of this!”

Riding the tease-wave to near perfection, the 20 minute Chace LaChance, members-only testimonial video in the MDW VIP Lounge promises and delivers sculpted muscle god Chace in, out, in and out again of gear. “Mutant, I don’t think, looks like this or wants any part of this!” Chace crows, staring down at his incredibly hot body, feeling his hairy muscles with a deeply satisfied groan and smirk of pleasure. You’ll only see Chace’s least seen muscle by joining the MDW VIP membership area, and the same goes for Mutant’s tit-for-tat fashion show video, though be warned that Mutant does his wardrobe changes all off camera. The MDW VIP nook isn’t updated nearly often enough for me, and the interface is a blunt newsfeed-style (no galleries, searchable content, etc., though you can find many massive zip-files of photos and some members-only video content like Chace and Mutant’s testimonials). But I’ve got a major thing for cocky wrestling testimonials and intimate for-my-eyes-only wrestler chatter that shows off a hunk’s voice, wit, and the precise measure of his ego. Chace’s testimonial, like his full-frontal, is pretty damn eye-opening for me. This hot muscle monster needs to have that swelling ego and self-love featured a lot more! Mutant is more subdued, less demonstrative, but that muscled ass is a masterpiece!

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h51m12s101 — Obligatory arm wrestling contest to get some ego bruising going.

Ripped directly from my fantasies, Chace and Mutant’s 26 minute confrontation catches me by surprise time and time again, and these are the kind of surprises I love. The unspoken agenda in Oil Hunks 3 is satiating the gear fetishists among us. Someone seems to have had a blast dressing up both mouthwatering musclemen like his own personal pair of Ken dolls. I lose count of the number of gear changes that happen (off camera) during this match, and I completely lose sight of the internal logic as to why they change gear over and over again. But who the fuck cares, particularly when you get a look at the crystal smooth, granite carved glutes on Mutant as he works out to start the video, wearing a bewildering unitard-ish black and blue… thing. I have no idea how to describe this. There’s no way it was designed for a body like Mutant’s. It looks equally odd on Chace when he squeezes his massive muscles into it later on in the match. But the one thing it does with epic success is give unobstructed views of these boys’ incredible asses. The plot is simple. Hot muscle boys working out in the same gym have to decide whose ~~cock~~ bicep is bigger. I crave them both equally, so I claim objectivity when I say Mutant’s muscles are simply more massive, but Chace’s physique is unquestionably more aesthetically beautiful. Simple visual comparison will not settle this, of course, so the boys arm wrestle. Simple arm wrestling will never settle this, so this muscle feast is heading nowhere else but the wrestling ring.

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h51m51s233 — Plenty of mouthwatering muscle asses in ever changing gear

I’d say the ratio of muscle posing to wrestling is about 50/50, which isn’t my ideal, but it’s hard not to see why MDW felt it necessary to let the camera linger long and hard on almost every stunning inch of flesh on this two beautiful men. Chace controls the pace of the narrative, insisting pose by pose on the side-by-side comparisons. Almost seductively, Mutant obeys at nearly every turn. I’m thinking the fantasy I had that Chace would make this massive musclebeast his bitch for the asking could very well sort itself out, making me suspect I may have actual extrasensory perception.

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h54m47s183 — When they get down to business, Chace sits his fine, hairy ass into the driver’s seat first and most.

Chace again is in the driver’s seat when these massive studs finally get down to touching each other via actual wrestling. Chace is also the one to bring what wrestling experience there is in the ring, using the ropes, applying some decent holds, and working the story arc of muscle v muscle battle for dominance. I find it breathtaking watching the physical confrontation framed within the albeit aesthetically questionable gear choices the boys keep making. In particular, the highlights on bulging packages and bare asses is fantastic. Although Chace brings a nicely established resume from the pro wrestling experts at BG East and Mutant comes with a smattering of fratboy mat wrestling experience from Thunder’s Arena, the combat side is a bit plodding. The boys are simply too massive to move with much speed. Most of the offense is in the form of stomps and trampling, with little showcasing of finesse or tide turning. Bearhugs and a lot of tests of strength carry through the theme that these boys both hang their hats on sheer beef, and they’ve got little interest in controlling vulnerable joints or working on actual submission holds. There’s a strong tone of “just beat the fuck out of each other till just one man is standing” to Oil Hunks 3. I’m always wanting more accomplished wrestling from MDW, but then again… with physiques like these so overtly displayed, I’ve got plenty to hold my attention.

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h55m12s176 — Loser pays homage to the victor’s muscles with a sacrifice of oil.

Just to prove the point that my June 11 prediction was not based on insider trading, when it comes time for one dominant stud to demand the loser oil up his massive muscles, it is not Chace making Mutant his bitch after all. I do love that Chace is game to stroke big Mutant’s muscles and slick the big boy down beautifully. That, paired with Chace going the full monty for the VIP members makes me desire greatly to see this beauty continue to settle in deeper into the most accomplished niches of a homoerotic wrestling repertoire. For all of his gorgeous, bulging mass, Mutant remains a little 2-dimensional for my tastes. He doesn’t enjoy it quite enough when his humiliated opponent obeys his commands. He doesn’t have that lick-lipping, eye fluttering hit of erotic satisfaction at grinding the sculpted, hairy muscle god before him into the mat. Again, however, I say these two incredible specimens deliver plenty to command my attention and make me gasp over and over.

vlcsnap-2014-07-07-09h58m18s235 — Muscleman Chace is ground into the mat before all is said and done!

My June 11 fantasy, of course, had a part 2 in which having sorted out who’s top and who’s bottom, Chace and Mutant tag team in their next outing against two of the MDW classics, preferably Muscle Master Kevin with subdued and obedient boytoy sidekick Damien Rush. The Season 11 catalog appears not to fulfill that fantasy, but a boy can still hope, can’t he? Oil Hunks 3 is truly delightful on so many counts. This, along with the absolute game-changer that is the Season 11 release of Daddy’s Home, convince me that MDW is determined to make a move, capturing not only more hot slices of man meat to join their stable, but capturing more of the homoerotic wrestling market that gets off on hot guys, hard wrestling, and an unapologetic homoeroticism.

From Asses to Kissing

July 1, 2014 wrestlebardLeave a comment

After Rudolph was the first to correctly identity the beautiful glutes in last week’s Name That Ass game, I asked him to name a topic he’d like to see a neverland post devoted to. He named a classic figure from BG East yesteryears who, I completely agree, has been woefully neglected in the pages of this blog. Honoring both Rudolph’s awesome game winner and the abundant merits of the sexy ass hunk in question, let’s chat just a bit about Sean Patrick.

Sean earned the name, “The Kisser,” by doing exactly that. He used those luscious lips to lock on to an opponent mid-match and suck the fight right out of him. He came out swinging in his notable debut against BG East fixture and ever-dangerous mat daddy, DW, in Undagear 2 (you may have to ask for it, since I don’t see it listed in the online catalog at this point). A hot, long, sexy rookie leading with his lips is quite a way to establish your credentials, so it’s little wonder the BG East boys starting lining up to sample Sean’s wares.

sean5 — Sweaty Ted Hamill was apparently so satisfied by every inch of Sean’s body in Wrestleshack 3 that Ted never wrestled again!

I’ve mentioned before my impression that Christian Taylor became Sean’s heir apparent a few years later. The two bear more than a passing resemblance, at least in my estimation. Very similar body types. Less than an inch in height difference. Classically handsome, dark haired, luxuriously long. And they both have lips that absolutely scream out for some mid-match suckface. Like Christian, there was an instant, intuitive homoerotic passion whenever Sean climbed on board. Kissing shows up with remarkable regularity with both of these pretty boys.

sean7 — Sean clearly had a major oral fixation!

Sean inaugurated the Sexy Showdown series at BG East in his sophomore release. His opponent, Kurt Eriksen, came loaded for bear in order to work over the audacious rookie who had the nerve to completely distract Kurt’s buddy, DW, with those sexy lip locks. So, in a way, the very concept of the Sexy Showdown franchise his built upon Sean’s searching, probing, aggressively grasping lips. There’s no need in Sexy Showdown 1 (or 2, or 3, or 4… Sean starred in them all) to read a homoerotic subtext. The eroticism is right in your face, or, more accurately, planted squarely across the lips of his opponents.

sean2 — Iain Scott nearly rips Sean’s head off in his eagerness to taste those lips!

He regularly wrestled his way right out of his gear, and the lovely, lean stunner had an ever-ready rod proportionally long and, appropriately enough, a magnet for the mouths of many opponents. Sean broke-in epic muscle stud Iain Scott in Sexy Showdown 3, and the meat of both of these incredible studs played prominently in the explosive finish. In Showdown 4, Sean’s sword was once again unsheathed by sweaty muscle pig Bud Orton, who uses Sean’s incapacitation in a steamy figure-4 headlock to make the Kisser lose his load, and the match, but in Sexy Showdowns, who really loses?

sean8 — Hottest homoerotic wrestling finish in history? This has got to be a contender!

Sean also helped inaugurate the Tag Team Torture franchise, starring in what I continue to think of as the paradigmatic example of the essence of homoeroticism in wrestling by teaming up with Patrick Donovan and running into the brutal heel-buzzsaw of vicious, sadistic, perpetually horny Cruze and Jose. There’s so much right about that bout. The pitch perfect positioning of beautiful, lean babyfaces staring down meaty, hungry heels is spot on. Sean and his brave compatriot, Patrick, play their parts with skills that no pair of rookies should be able to, bravely flinging themselves again and again into the breach. And the 2-on-1 double teams, brutal humiliation, and total disregard for common decency of Cruze and Jose send this match hurtling headlong into a genre-defining moment, as Sean and Patrick are stripped naked (Cruze also peels off his own trunks, but just because he’s so fucking turned on!), brutalized, and stacked like cordwood in an innovative double-dose suffering of a camel clutch/boston crab combination. Just for kicks, and judging by the size of Cruze’s erection, he’s getting a major kick out of it, the heels finally force the doomed babyfaces into face-to-face simultaneous camel clutches, topping off (me) the homoeroticism by forcing the humiliated twosome to suck face on command. That’s got to be in my top 5 most insanely sexy matches!

sean3 — Sean commandingly put Ian Nesbitt right where he wanted him.

Sean cemented his credentials as one of the founding fathers of explicit sexiness in homoerotic wrestling by starring in two X-Fights, first against Dick the Prick in X-Fights 22, then against Ian Nesbitt in X-Fights 23. Check out this sizzling match description of The Kisser at the peak of his wrestling prowess and reputation:

“As this erotic epic begins “the Kisser” traps cute Ian in a vicious spladle neckcrank and the tone is set for some very aggressive mat mayhem. The feisty Scot counters with a ballgrab and a surfboard submission, but that just provokes Sean’s mean streak: Ian soon finds his face repeatedly forced into Sean’s crotch, wedged under his bare feet, defenseless against Sean’s infamous liplocks! After Ian “wedgies” his trunks, Sean cranks on a nasty boston crab and then makes him scream in a surfboard. Visibly horny, Sean strips the now less-resistant Ian, trapping him in a nude guillotine/legsplit complete with cocklock and kissing! More humping, more feet in face, with Ian finally “exploding” his load trapped in Sean’s figure-4 headscissors. As Ian cries “I submit,” Sean shoots his load on the Scot’s pretty face. Intensely erotic mat punishment. HOT!”

Sean’s final match. as far as I can tell, was against his former tag team partner Patrick Donovan in Submissions 6. Apparently there was no love left by the time the two lean stars collided on the mat. Maybe the shared public humiliation at the hands of Cruze and Jose was what ratcheted up their Submissions 6 collision to such a vicious, fevered pitch. There was still kissing, of course, but holy fuck, it was so brutal, so aggressive! They nearly rip each other’s heads off in this battle. Face sitting, crotch-ripping, neck-wrenching full nelsons and tit-for-tat guillotines… maybe this was always going to be about determining who has to walk away with the lion’s share of the Tag Team Torture 1 shame. Whatever the reason, we don’t seem to have heard from The Kisser since settling his score with Patrick.

So, on behalf of Rudolph, let me just put this out there into the ether: what did ever happen to Sean Patrick!? Is he still wrestling somewhere? Is he a corporate banker with 3 kids and a 4th wife? Rudolph wants to know, and I’m first in line if anyone can track The Kisser down for an interview. Spread the word. Lots of us have plenty of love left for Sean Patrick!

Another neverland

June 30, 2014 wrestlebard3 Comments

Long-time friend and occasional contributor here at neverland, Jose, has his own homoerotic wrestling blog!? How did I not know this until now? Well, it’s probably in part due to La Sustancia being in Spanish, and I chose the infinitely more practical Swedish when I had to choose a foreign language to learn [note the ironic tone intended, though I LOVE hunky Swedes!]. Jose promises to post a few English translated posts now and again, such as his June 25 scientific analysis demonstrating empirically the qualitative and quantitative tale of the tape comparing the biggest homoerotic wrestling producers in the business.

While I can’t read the labels, this graph clearly demonstrates a number of things. One, data turn me on. Two, Jose and I have extremely high rater reliability when it comes to how we code the Can-Am and BG East catalogs. Three, Jose and I are almost eerily identical when it comes to where our preferences lie. Four, and this is just an initial hypothesis for future research efforts, I may simply be Jose’s English speaking doppelgänger, or vice versa. Or we share the same brain.

lon — Lon Dumont is just one of many shared infatuations between Jose and me.

You may remember that Jose posted a consumer report here at neverland on his private match with Jonny Firestorm (if not, trust me, Jose was an extremely satisfied customer!). Jose and I have bonded in comments and emails over many overlapping infatuations, such as long-time neverland favorite Lon Dumont. We were both a little shocked at ourselves for admitting that we simply had to vote for Pete Sharp for best bulge over the notorious monster package of Joshua Goodman (that’s Mr. Goodman to you!) this year in BG East’s year-end best-of awards. And recently we agreed that the two of us need to personally welcome Gio Benitez to homoerotic wrestling with a 2-on-1 newsboy orientation. I don’t know what the Spanish word for “twins separated at birth” may be, but, yeah. That. For the vast swath of homoerotic wrestling fans for whom Spanish is a 1st language, and for those with passable Spanish, and even for those English speakers who want another look into the occasional translated post, you must bookmark and visit often La Sustancia. And tell Jose that his English-speaking doppelgänger sent you.

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